Back

So, I'm back from Jungle Land, been traveling since 3 this morning.  Really worn out.  To be honest, I didn't try very hard with the ED stuff.  It could have been much worse, but I could have done a lot to make it better.  I think I've decided to try seeing a new therapist after the holidays.  I so fucking want to just be a normal person.

Done Gone Away

Just fyi, I didn't have time to do a last post before I left, but I am actually in tropical research country for the next couple of weeks, just made it to an internet cafe to let the fam know that I survived the flight and a day in the capital city intact.  I'm worried and not all that confident about how food will go, I'm already kinda having a hard time. Possibly because my sleep has been minimal the past two nights and that just saps my mental energy.

  This time around, though, I have some great friends as my traveling companions, and they're aware of my eating issues even though I've only ever explicitly discussed it with one of them, and even then not at great length...but I think that having them around will make me feel more accountable, make it harder for me to take off on my own all the time for extra exercise, etc. So hopefully it'll work out.  And if it doesn't, at least it'll be my shortest trip yet; putting a rush on things to be back in time for Christmas.

Anyway, hasta luego, hope all of you handle the holiday season well, mucho amor!

My Tardy Turkey Day Tale

Hey y'all, I'm back!  Didn't intend quite such a long hiatus over Thanksgiving.  I flew up to see my Boy for the holiday.  We drove to his brother's house for a family Thanksgiving with his brother, dad, brother's gf and a couple of their friends.  Overall it went well.  The brother's girlfriend still makes me a little uneasy, and if I hadn't asked a few polite questions about her job/life to make conversation I doubt she would have talked to me at all.  But I was glad she was there if only because it meant that I didn't have to come in last place every time on our 4-player Wii Mario Kart battle. ;)

I really stressed over this visit after I found out that M's family has been clued in to my ED.  But it went okay.  I volunteered us to bring a couple of things I was comfortable eating.  As scary as the holidays may seem to be for people with EDs, I tend to handle Thanksgiving pretty well.  It's way better than, say, traditional 4th of July food.

Despite the Arctic temperatures, we played some football and I made a good showing for myself, by the way. ;)

So that was Thanksgiving.  Since I left for college I think I've only returned home for a single Thanksgiving with my own family, so I'm used to and usually fine with being alone that day.  As comfortable as I am with that solitude, this was definitely the best Thanksgiving I've had in a long time, just for the slight victory of normalcy and the fact that I really like M's dad and brother (and M himself isn't bad either... ;p).

I stayed the weekend up there, flew home Monday.  Usual recap of doing various things around the city and being spoiled rotten by doting boyfriend.  He took me to pick out my very own coffee machine to keep at his house (he's not a coffee drinker), significant relationship milestone, no? ;p

We did some museums, saw Harry Potter, took a day trip to another city and got to have a lunch date with the fantabulous Amy, who is even cooler in real life, if you can possibly imagine that!

Oh and we went ice skating on Sunday, and despite not having worn skates in about 10 years I did NOT fall a single time!

That was both a fun and desperate outing, actually.  I really struggled with lack of exercise on this trip, mostly because it was so bitterly cold outside, limited our usual outdoor walking to virtually nil, and we spent a lot of time in the car traveling between various states on a couple of days.  I held up ok for the first couple of days, but was definitely getting anxious and uncomfortable about it by Saturday.  I hate it when the ED takes over my personality and makes me quiet, edgy, and too much "inside your head", as M. says.

I put M. in a difficult position with that.  He wants me to be happy and relaxed, so he tries to work in activities for us where possible (we did the skating, and he took us down to a nice river park on a sunny afternoon to brave the cold for a walk).  But there is a fine line between accommodating and enabling, and I think he worries about where he's falling in that gray area.  He's told me that if I am really having a hard time with the anxiety and want to use the rec center at his school, or go to a nearby gym on a guest pass, he's fine with that.  On any trip longer than 4 days I think that would be best, not to do my usual whole daily routine but at least to have a token getting off my ass session...  But anyway, I worry about putting him in a position like that, can't be easy.  I guess what I mostly hate is that any part of my ED could affect my behavior and dictate the time I spend (or don't spend) with loved ones, I resent the ever-ugly hell out of that, my friends.

Anyway, food always goes a bit off on a trip, but I guess it was a success in proving to myself that I can not only survive a few days without working out, it didn't actually make me balloon or even put on an ounce.  So there, ED.  And I got right back on the wagon with food and have been sticking to mp faithfully all week.

So, I've put off updating because I didn't think I had anything to write about, and now I've written a book here.  I am just over a week from my next trip to Tropical Field Site and CAN'T WAIT to escape to warmer climes!  I feel like these days I am always either packing, unpacking, or both.

love y'all and happy Thursday!

Weighty Thoughts

One thing that I've had to learn in recovery is to resist black-and-white thinking about weight.  For a long time (and sometimes still, on bad days), I thought that if I wasn't underweight, it meant I was fat.  No thin, no slender, no normal, no average, no in-between.  It took a while for it to sink in for me that you can fall along many points within a spectrum, some healthier than others but with "healthy and desirable" still being a range, not a singular cut-off point.

A related issue that is a bit of a struggle in the context of larger society is the common view of "thin" as opposed to the medical view of underweight vs normal.  I remember, during my very first stab at recovery when I'd gained some weight but was still verytooreally thin, one of my fellow 7th graders told me my weight was "perfect, I wish I could weigh as much as you for my whole life."  People, I was still very sick (I'm not often tempted to use numbers, wish I could this time to show you just how ridiculous this incident was, but it's not worth it). Even at the time, it really bothered me that she saw that scrawny, prepubertal form as the ideal.

So, for people learning to re-adjust their perceptions and become comfortable with their bodies while battling an ED, it's hard to figure out what's "right", and to learn that no two rights are the same.  Hard as hell. I was "thin" at my rock-bottom, although at that point "thin" was a really just kind euphemism for emaciated.  It took me a long time to realize that gaining dozens of pounds in recovery didn't make me fat.  It doesn't mean I never *felt* fat, of course.  I felt fat at weights that were, in retrospect, way thinner than I ever want to be again. I found that one of the keys in weight restoration is to give yourself time.

I wrote a post a while back on body image vs body schema, gives a much better treatment of this issue, if you have time.  Basically, it takes your brain a while to catch up with the changes happening in your body.  When I reached weight X, I felt awfulhorriblehuge.  I felt like my body was alien, like I was stuck in someone else's clothing.  But if I plateaued there for a while, after a short time I was amazed that I really became ok with my "new body" if I held out and was patient.  That scary weight X would be WAY lower than I'd allow myself to go at this point, because I know it would look/feel terrible and wouldn't be healthy.

 I reached my lifetime peak weight earlier this year. Still underweight, but the biggest underweight I'd ever been, really just a hair below normal (scary, right? Normal??? Like, optimal for health and function? Yikes.  lol..). Just sort of a cognitive milestone that takes some working through. I was/am un-underweight enough that the casual observer probably wouldn't guess I had an eating disorder, maybe just a good metabolism and an active lifestyle.  Even today, when I've slipped weight-wise over the past few months (and incidentally, Match confessed he thought I was more attractive at peak weight, who knew?), But the issue still kind of challenges the identity you've created for yourself over the years. I doubt I'd be pegged as an EDer.  Thin yes, sick no.  Underweight on the charts, but not abnormal looking when clothed.  I can't go into every store and always wear the smallest size.  I may not always have the smallest waist in the room.  At this point I can pretty much just observe that, deem it marginally noteworthy and move on, but at first it was a sort of existential crisis.

It's a stereotype that anorexics always see themselves as fat.  Not true. There were plenty of times when I was well aware of how gravely thin I was, I just didn't want to change it. I could/can even look at women that I know have at least 10-20 pounds on me right now and think, "Damn I wish I had a body like that."

 And not looking sick is ok with me, I know that emaciated is not sexy or even attractive, and I don't pursue that.  I never wanted to be that thin because I thought it looked nice, I just made an obsession about avoiding the opposite. After years and thousands of dollars in therapy, I realized that for a long time, I was hurting.  Being sickthin was they only way I knew to communicate that.   Now, I'm really not hurting in those ways anymore, and the ED patterns are more a hard-core habit than anything else, and instead of being the manifestation of me hurting, they're the biggest thing hurting me now, a different kind of challenge.  Not that I don't have esteem issues or an addictive personality anymore, but day to day challenges aside, I have a good life and I generally like who I am (with the exception of how much I allowed the ED to entwine itself in my life).  Realizing that made me finally stop feeling obligated to be sickthin, ok with not wearing the smallest jeans in the room.  Hard transition, but doable.  Blocking everything but the ED out of your life for years on end mean that sometimes coming out of it can be a bit of a splash with cold water.  It that ultimately proves to be life-giving and refreshing, but still somewhat of an initial shock.

 One thing people (myself definitely included) don't seem to be that good about is introspective objectivity: it's hard to see the actual you, easier to just compare yourself to what you used to be (often sicker, with an ED), or to all the photo-shopped images we're bombarded with every day.  I definitely struggle with this every day.  That's why it's nice to have a support team (professional and personal) to keep you grounded.  There are definitely days when I wish I could just be a fly on the wall observing myself objectively, or days when I wish I could actually follow all of the recommendations I'd give someone else as far as self-care.  Work in progress, right?

I feel like there is some wise and eloquent way I should tie all this together to wrap it up, as I've rambled around several issues related to weight.  In a nutshell, just emphasizing poundage is NOT the only issue with EDs, but it can be an amorphous and challenging issue, no doubt, when trying to deal with the deeper things as well, because too often it's tempting to judge surfaces and not give proper weight (pun only slightly intended) to substance.  I've always wished I could observe some alternate universe to see what my weight would be in a parallel life with no ED.  And how much would it matter?  I can bet that I'd be heavier, but I can also bet that I wouldn't be any less loved, accomplished, or enriched, and would probably much more of all of those things.

Ok hella long post, thanks to anyone who soldiered through this whole thing!!!

Circle Time

A few of the books I've read recently have had passages relevant to a theme that I definitely relate to. So, this post is like a bit of book-sharing circle time to share a few of those passages:

From The Bitch in the House, which I read based on Kim's impeccable recommendation:

...it occurred to me that I was succeeding in the world with only part of my brain engaged.  While a tenth of it was devoted to school, a tenth devoted to my daughter, and perhaps another tenth devoted to family crises and illnesses, the other 70 percent of my mind was constantly focused on food--the calorie count of a grape, the filling bulk of popcorn...How much farther, I thought, can I go in the world if I used that 70 percent more wisely?


This *really* hit home for me.  When I think of how many hours every day, week, month, year, decade and more that I've spent on ED thoughts and behaviors, it sickens me.  I could have read hundreds more books, become multi-lingual, taken trips, met people, learned to ski, learned another instrument, been more involved, made more of a difference, actually lived like I'd never get each day back, which I won't.  It bothers me because it's an ongoing issue as well.  Not so much with the thoughts, although I do have meal planning anxiety regularly (not choosing how much to eat, I stick to prescribed calories, but all my stupid rationalizations about what to eat to fill that requirement).  But the exercise eats up a ridiculous chunk of my day and totally dictates my schedule.  I am frustrated beyond belief, but still feel pretty powerless to stop it.  Which leads to the next excerpt...


And from Voluntary Madness, by Norah Vincent:
You cannot sentence people to recovery.  You cannot cajole them, into it either...for, as the therapy at Mobius [a residential treatment center she stayed at], the message was simple.  We are not helping you.  We are teaching you that only you can help you...
     The fact that I am driving the car doesn't mean that the road will always be smooth or that I can control other drivers, the terrain, the weather, flats, malfunctions, darting animals, and other acts of God.  But it gives me the vital sense of getting somewhere under my own power, of refusing to accept passively wandering servitude to medical whim and the lonely defects of personality or birth.


I definitely relate to this as well.  I've gone into therapy determined not to get well, because I was forced, and sure enough I just digressed further.  Years later, I finally just felt broken enough to accept help, and it was a complete 180 from my previous therapy experience (although the therapist was a LOT better that time, I would've been obstinate no matter how good the first one was).  Not, of course, that I really enjoyed the eating disorder and wanted to hang onto a disease....it just didn't feel like a choice, I had no idea what I'd have left if I gave it up...feared the answer would be nothing.

From The Sheltering Sky by Paul Bowles:
It was all utterly familiar and wholly horrible--existence unmodifiable, not to be questioned, that must be borne.  It would never occur to him to cry out.

And that's the kicker.  Sometimes we don't even realize we need, or want, and if we do realize it we simply don't know how to ask for it.  So we stay locked in, trying to save face on the outside while the inside is crumbling.

From Let the Great World Spin by Colum McCann:
I gave them all of the truth, and none of the honesty.

It's easy to play along, keep yourself out of the critical zone but still very disordered, and nothing can break through that wall of progress but some hell-bent determination.  Which, of course, doesn't happen overnight:

Also from McCann:
When you go around in circles, brother, the world is very big, but if you plow straight ahead it's small enough....
She said she would snap out of it.  But the word is not snap, more like slide...I will slide out....

Sometimes recovery is definitely one step forward two steps back, but as you easy into it and gain momentum, the net movement is forward and the steps get more and more significant.

Mary Shelley in Frankenstein:
"By very slow degrees, and with frequent relapses, that alarmed and grieved my friend, I recovered."


And to close, a quote from Erica Jong (I haven't actually read any of her books, but came across the quote online a long time ago and wrote it down, sorry I don't have the source):
It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

Smoothing Out the Edges

I often have blogger's remorse after I do a negative post, so I felt the need to redeem myself after yesterday's whinefest.  Yes, all of those things are difficult right now.  But in the big picture, I don't have it so bad...even my rough patches have pretty smooth edges, if you think about it

I am sick but...I live in a country with top medical services available, AND I have a great health insurance package.  After a year of paying tons of money for a mediocre plan, my university started offering a great plan that I get for free. I switched immediately, and it is so nice to not have to worry about a high co-pay and deductible every time I set foot in someone's examining room.  I know so many people have no medical insurance at all, and I'm really lucky that I do.

My boyfriend lives 600 miles away...but he is still super-attentive and ultra-trustworthy.  I have never for a second worried about him straying.  And he texts me good morning and good night, and all day in between.  He makes sure I know I'm loved no matter what else is going on.  I can tell him when I'm struggling without being judged, and he understand that I don't look to him to fix anything, it's enough to just be able to get it off my chest.  And he's just plain fun, he invariably knows how to make me smile, even on the worst of days.

I am back living with my family....and I have a healthy family that I am very proud of and close to.  They're letting me live here rent-free, which is really saving me financially right now.  I get along with them, they give me my privacy, and G. gets a lot more stimulation with more people and cats to track around the house.

I'm definitely feeling lonely and disconnected...but I do indeed have a great network of friends that care about me, even if they're not close by.  I moved a ton when I'm a kid, and I know from experience that friendships can stay strong over the miles and years.


I'm feeling a bit puny but not gaining weight despite following my meal plan....but I'm at a psychological point where I can follow the meal plan every day, getting at least that much nourishment.  It means eating amounts/types of food that would  have been unfathomable to a former version of Cammy.  And even though I have lost weight this year, I'm definitely more robust than I kept myself for most of high school and undergrad.


I'm feeling pointless because I don't have enough work....but at least I'm getting a bit of a breather, compared to semesters when I literally had to consult my planner to see when I could fit in a shower.  I'm sure that I'll have plenty of high-stress hectic times before I finish my MS and PhD, shouldn't complain about a quiet period while I have it.  And it has given me time to work on a couple of side projects not related to my thesis.

One of my favorite professors died...ok it's hard to find a positive for this one.  So I'll just be glad that I had the chance to know her when she was alive.  She left a huge imprint on so many lives, even though hers was cut off early.

In the big picture, it ain't so bad.  Yesterday was one of my Down Days, today has been a bit better. Thanks for the texts, comments, and e-mails, by the way, you know who you are and you're awesome. <3

Rough Patch

I never thought I'd think/say this, but I'm actually getting a little frustrated that I'm not gaining weight.  I have stayed consistent with my food intake, and am actually down a little bit, if anything.  Really weird.  I'm wondering if the antibiotics that I'm on are messing with my gut flora such that I'm not digesting like I should.  Although I haven't had any of the gastro issues they warn you about with antibiotics.  Who knows.  I just don't feel good right now.  I get light-headed and fatigued easily, I have to worry about my heart palps if I'm out in the cold, etc etc.  I'm sure it's partly due to the infection, but I know I'm suboptimal on my weight and it probably isn't helping anything.

Of course, a reasonable, normal person would think, well, I'm not gaining weight on my meal plan, why don't I....eat more food?  Huh.  Or stop exercising obsessively?  Hmm.  I want to be a reasonable, normal person when I grow up.

I don't mean to be glib.  Not much anyway.  It's just been a rough week or so and I feel like even cheesy lightness is better than being a total downer.  I traveled down to my undergrad town to go to a very, very sad funeral last week.  Most tragic memorial I've ever been to in my life. The world is not fair. Then this week my infection flared up again.  I cannot stand when my body has something going on that I can't control.  I know that plays up to every single stereotype about anorexics being "all about control", which I don't necessarily agree with, but I'll agree that to a certain degree it is an issue, in at least some cases.

I feel pointless right now.  In between research trips I don't have much to do.  Being back at my undergrad school, where I still have tons of friends, reminded me of how much richer my life was down there. Here I am living with my parents, my boyfriend is 600 miles away, I have pretty much zero opportunities for face-to-face grown up conversations except for with the old lady I've befriended at the gym, where I really should be spending less time.  This is not how I pictured my life as a master's student/developing scientist, and I kind of feel like crying right now but I'm afraid if I start I won't stop.

No Universal Equation

So, I've hit the milestone of an entire week of 100% mealplan compliance, after nearly a month off the wagon.  I wanted to write a brief post about a phenomenon that I've observed/experienced over and over again: the myth of the magic calorie equation, that for each and every X calories you gain X pounds.  "If you have just two extra grapes every day, it all accumulates to X per year" and that scare-tactic bullshit.  In truth, bodies don't care much about hypothetical arithmetic.

According to the equations, I should have gained 2 pounds in the past week, and from the increase in food I *felt* like I'd gain 10 overnight.  I still weigh myself every morning (a BAD habit I'm trying to break), and there has been some flux this week, mostly seems to relate to salt consumption, but ultimately my weight, on average, has gone DOWN this week, despite pretty much doubling my caloric intake.  Apparently my metabolism still works, despite my abuse of it over the years...

Now this post is not supposed to celebrate lack of weight gain, because I know I will be better off with some restoration.  I just sometimes like to mention examples like this because I know it's easy to get caught up in numbers and tallys and equations and calculations.  It feeds the obsession and sometimes keeps us paralyzed with fear of making even the smallest changes.

There have been times when I did gain weight at approximately the rate predicted by the equations, but it never lasted indefinitely, like the diet magazine articles claim.  In those cases, I invariably gained for a little while and then hit a plateau and my weight didn't budge until I made an additional jump in calories.  None of this "grapes add up over time to XXX pounds" nonsense.  There have been times when I slashed exercise or added calories and saw little to no change, but felt my metabolism rev up noticeably.  There have also been times when I "gained" several pounds overnight due to a salty meal, only to see it melt away again the next day (a good reason not to put much stock in daily weigh-ins, flux is natural!) . In reality, your body is a dynamic thing that will adjust to the treatment it receives...just something to think about if you're currently trying to psych yourself up for a mealplan increase or something similar.  (And just as a disclaimer so as not to be triggering: Chances are, if you're in that position, you *do* need the extra nutrition and weight).

 Anyway, rambling now but in a nutshell, try not to assume that each tiny change you make will add up to dramatic changes like the media tries to make us believe, your body is smarter than that.

More Weekend Notes

A couple of notes from the weekend that I didn't mention yesterday, because it would have messed up the thematic-ness of a post that was getting lengthy anyway:

1) A close adviser, role model, and friend of mine was killed in a traffic accident on Friday.  Total shock, huge loss to the community.  The world is not fair. I literally would not be where I am today, professionally and academically, were it not for her. I'm going to stop typing about it now so I don't resume crying for the millionth time.

2) I ended up at the walk-in clinic on Saturday morning with a lesion that had been looking bad for a day or two and was very swollen and gross when I woke up that morning.  Verdict:  Staph.  :'-(  This is also one reason I've been careful to fulfill the mealplan (today made 6 days in a row), I just want my body to heal, damnit.  I've been having killer headaches, but I don't know if that's from the infection or the drugs that are supposed to be fixing it. Yesterday the spot was looking noticeably better, but today I'm afraid it looks worse, although it could be all in my head.  I don't like this!!!

3) I feel like I should end on a positive note: I've made good progress on a paper I hope to submit for publication soon.  My oldest younger brother has been in an uncharacteristically good-natured mood lately.  I have a dad that goes out in the frost in his boxers every morning to warm my mom's car up for her before she leaves for school, because he worships the ground that she walks on, and that just makes me feel good inside.

I hope everyone's week is off to a good start!
<3

Negative Positive Reinforcement?

Match is an astute guy, and although I know he's fairly in tune to me, sometimes he still surprises me with certain insights.  Yesterday he initiated a pretty serious conversation about how he's concerned after my last visit, because I was thinner than the last time he'd seen me, and he knows that I've been struggling to stay on track ED-wise with my frequent traveling this fall. He knows I still have periodic heart palpitations, really over-do the exercise, etc.  He knows this is the longest I've gone without therapy in almost 3 years.  During my visit last week I had a heart-to-heart with him about how frustrating it is that sometimes the behaviors/patterns don't even seem like a choice, it's just what I do, and freedom is so hard to picture.

So of course he's concerned.  He knows I don't want him to fix anything for me, just having him to confide in is a huge help.  He knows he can't fully understand what it's like for me, and that he can't make it better even if that's what I wanted from him (which I don't), but he is trying to at least make sure he's as in the loop as possible about how I'm doing with it.

One insightful question he had yesterday that I thought worth sharing and trying to stimulate some discussion about:
Do you think it's harmful in the long run if I compliment your appearance when you're thinner, does that serve as unhealthy positive reinforcement?
(Just to note he has NEVER complimented me specifically for losing weight or looking thinner, nothing of the sort, but I do get lots of "you're pretty" type compliments every time I see him).

My answer to him was: it's an interesting issue, and complicated.  I tell myself that even if he likes how I look at my current weight, it doesn't mean he *prefers* it to when I was a few pounds more.  Getting compliments boosts my self esteem.  BUT I won't say I never have anxiety about whether his opinion will change along with my appearance if I gain X pounds back.  Granted, I've been heavier than now when we were dating and he seemed just as attracted to me, so I don't think it's a huge issue, but I won't say it's a non-issue either.  But if I did think he suddenly found me unattractive, my gut (unquestionably wrong and irrational) reaction would be that I must need to get thinner.  I told him all of that, and he said that he actually thought I looked better before the recent weight loss, and that he preferred that and was "worried less."  It kind of irks me when people associate level of justified concern with body weight at a given time (you don't have to be underweight to be struggling profoundly), but I knew what he was trying to say, and from a physical standpoint it is partially justified, I suppose.  It also kind of goes back on his claim that he doesn't notice subtle changes in body weight, but if you compare my weight to 6 months ago it might look more than subtle, I can never tell.


Thoughts on this issue?  Experiences?  Opinions?

P.S.
I have actually done REALLY well with food this week, on day 5 in a row of 100% meal plan. I'm feeling a lot better than I was last month.  Like I told M., I really am trying.

Vulnerability

Day Two of meeting complete meal plan.  It apparently hasn't killed me, so it might actually be making me stronger. ;p

So, I found a link to Self Discovery, Word-by-Word (hosted by Karen at Before and After this month) through Katie's post at Health for the Whole Self, and I really like this concept. Every month there is a key word, and bloggers are invited to write a post using the word as a theme. This month's word, vulnerability, immediately made me think of what happened yesterday that ended up causing a sort of angsty past 24 hours.

Match and I were talking, and out of the blue he mentioned that his mom and one of his brothers (they visited him last month) directly asked him if I had an eating disorder.  Being the upstanding guy that he is, he wasn't about to lie to his mama, and I'd never specifically asked him to keep it from anyone, so he told them yes.  He sort of fudged it, apparently he told them that I used to struggle with it but have pretty much got it under control now (both true and not quite, I'm worlds better than I was and worlds away from where I want to be).  He said they didn't judge me for it, everyone has something in their history, and this one isn't a big deal to them, etc.

Still, I immediately felt so vulnerable and insecure.  I wasn't mad at Match for telling; they asked him directly and he answered as discretely as possible.  I was upset, but not at him.  I was upset at myself for being the Damaged Neurotic Girlfriend with Issues, and sure that's exactly how his family will see me now.  He only told his brother and mom, but his brother has a girlfriend (who made me uncomfortable in eating contexts even before this), and I'm sure his dad (his parents are divorced) will find out via the brother and girlfriend because we're scheduled to have Thanksgiving dinner with the three of them.  I felt fine about doing the holiday meal with them before, but now that I know at least two and probably all three of them will know about the ED stuff, I feel so incredibly vulnerable and open to scrutiny.

Match was really concerned about how I'd take the news, he knows that I automatically get down on myself for not being "normal" (who is normal about food these days, anyway? it's a shame).  I told him that once people know about my ED, I feel like there are certain expectations for how I should look and act, and that for some reason I have such a hard time not pressuring myself to meet those expectations, it's like a fear that not doing it will draw more attention to myself than just playing along.

What is the vulnerability in just acting the way I want, eating what I want, not worrying about what they see or expect to see?  It's Thanksgiving, pass the damn pie, how hard is that? Why do I have to stress over violating someone's preconceived notions of what an ED looks like?

Well, partly because I don't know how to eat or do what I want (sometimes, I'm afraid, I don't even know who I am) anymore, the ED patterns have been too ingrained and for too long.  I'm much healthier now than when I was at my rock bottom with anorexia, but I still don't feel the least bit free of it. Even when I'm doing "well", I'm following a set meal plan and don't really need to think about what I feel like having, because I wouldn't have the faintest clue without specific instructions.  Yes, I have one science degree and am halfway through a second one, but I can't manage to master feeding myself.  My hunger/satiety cues are shot to hell, and if I don't have prescribed portions, food groups, and times, I get out of whack very fast.  One of the most basic aspects of life, that even my dog manages to regulate intuitively, and I can't for the life of me get a grasp on it.  Epic fail.  And now his family knows and god only knows how they perceive it.  I'm used to the issue, it's a legitimate psychological issue with a large biological component, but the moment I let myself try to picture it through their eyes, I am so utterly ashamed of myself.  Vulnerable, anyone?

I tried to explain to M. why it's harder for me around people who do know about the ED than those who don't, I guess that might seem counter-intuitive to some people.  His response actually did help a bit in one way, was frustrating in another: "I told them you struggled with it in the past but you've got a hold on it, babe, so all you have to do is eat and they aren't going to think anything of it."

All you have to do is eat.  Right.  It's just natural, I see.  If that were true, the second entire half of my life would have been a much different experience, no?

Win for the Day

Today was my first One Hundred Percent of Meal Plan Day in almost a month.  Feeling kind of gluggish, but that's par for the course, unfortunately.  Next item of business is to wake up tomorrow and do it again...

Scrambling Back into the Saddle

First day back after my almost week-long travels, and I've really made an effort to get back on track with my eating, which admittedly has been very poor all month.  I've done well with getting in more calories today, almost up to baseline, but I feel massively blobby and gross, even though I know it's impossible to have gained 10 pounds in the last 12 hours.  And that even if I HAD, I could afford it.  Anyway, the point is that I'm trying to grit my teeth and not fall out of the saddle as I try to clamber back into it.

On the plus side, I had a great weekend with Match, as always.  It felt much more like a birthday weekend, and I was pampered beyond all reason. ;)  The one food victory of the weekend was my actual birthday dinner (not actually on my birthday, but the night we went to a fancy restaurant and he gave me my present).  I ordered the item on the menu that I thought looked most appealing, instead of the one that looked like it had the least calories, and I actually ate the entire portion.  I don't usually post food specifics, but this was so good: pistachio-almond crusted tilapia with lavender honey butter.  Granted, I'd done a bit of "saving up" calories that day, but usually I would have chickened out from trying something for which I had no idea of nutrition data.

Match and I did have a serious talk/cry about my ED stuff, I told him I've been struggling since my research trip in October.  He still swears he's oblivious to subtle weight changes. and I think he's very worried that part of my struggles is wanting to stay thin for him. When I told him that at one point when we've been dating I weighed XX pounds more than I do now, he looked surprised and commented "Well I honestly have no idea when that was, but you looked beautiful because you always do."  Smooth talker, that Match....although I do tend to believe his claim that he doesn't notice the changes as much as I do. Overall it was a great weekend, is always hard to leave, he's way too good to me.

So, working to get back on the wagon and hold on for dear life.  I'm tired of feeling the way I have this month.

Meetings of Two Sorts

Today was my first official thesis committee meeting, during which I presented my research project, gave some preliminary results, and let my committee members question me about various aspects of the study design.  Events like that can go either positively or painfully, but I have some good profs and I got supportive feedback and helpful comments, I felt like I handled the interrogation portion well (it was conducted fairly) and was really pleased with how the meeting went overall.

And tomorrow I have a meeting of a different kind: Match!  Going up for my monthly weekend visit to see The Boy, can't wait. We're celebrating my birthday as well, and this time around I will actually loosen up and allow it to be special (see last post for background).  Except he pretty much spoils me to the max all the time, not sure if he can possibly ramp it up in honor of birthday, but will be fun to watch him try. ;p

Long drive to get to him, though, 12 hours on the road, and I have some sleep debt built up, so this post shall be brief.  I wish I'd taken better care of myself leading up to this trip, because I feel like crap and am a bit worried that I won't be as much fun as I'd like this weekend.  I handled the last trip really well, though (although I was also doing better ed-wise leading up to that visit than I am now), and hopefully this one will go smoothly also, as far as dealing with being out of routine and such.

Great Expectations

It can't be real that my stomach has grown bigger and flabbier even as the number on the scale has gone down, right?  I really wish my head were screwed on straight.

I've been watching the series Breaking Bad (I'm only starting Season 2, no spoilers in comments please!), and really identify with the character Pinkman.  He had tons of opportunities and potential, but he got off on a bad track and now he's trapped and can't quite figure out how he got in so far over his head.

I had a little bit of a meltdown last night.  I hate birthdays and holidays, because there's such an expectation to be happy and fun, and I am so bad at that.  And thus I feel like a failure.  It wasn't a bad day, really, was ordinary, but because there is this implied sense that it should be extraordinary some how, and I wasn't comfortable with doing/allowing that, I felt really depressed and bad about myself.  I ended up breaking down crying on the phone with Match, bless his heart, and never really fully explained why.  How did a nice boy like him end up with a nut like me?

Dysfunctional moment of the day: Mom asked me to read her some calorie information from packages at the grocery store, because it was printed too small for her to see without her reading glasses.

Slight win of the day: having a high-ish calorie (even with nonfat milk, etc) drink at Starbucks, liquid calories are still a huge challenge/novelty for me.  It was damn good.

Annual Fail

I really stink at birthdays.

I just feel like such a failure at being a real person when my mom asks over and over again what I want to do, and I don't want to go out to eat, I don't want a cake, I don't want to go to a movie that interferes with my workout schedule, and I don't want anything that she really wants to give me to feel/show that she's a caring parent.

Incongruous Mix of Feelings

I'm back!!! Anyone still here?  Touched down just before midnight last night, still a little zonked and culture-shocked from being back stateside (ie adjusting to being around Americans again, I find us a bit annoying after I've grown used to being around people in my research country. although no offense to all my US readers, I am vastly overgeneralizing and have proportionate degrees of sleep debt and incoherence going on. I just get annoyed when people whine about what are really minor inconveniences when I just left a place where a tin roof  with not *too* many rust holes is a status symbol), but made it out with no illness or injury and lots of great stories.

Good news:
My trip was a HUGE success, my research is going better than I ever could have hoped.  I have fantabulous data results, am making connections in the country, improving my language skills, and having tons of incredible adventures/experiences.

Bad news was that my eating sucked while I was there, and I pushed way more than I needed to physically.  I didn't lose as much weight as I did on my trip over the summer, but that's mostly because it was a shorter trip, I think the rate of loss was about the same.  I wasn't there long enough for it to do a ton to me physically (although, seeing as how I never regained all the lost summer weight, a bit of lost fall weight put me below what I was when I returned from that last trip), but my head is in a very shakey place, I have such a hard time figuring out how to get back on track once I'm home, after I've shifted back into restrictive mode and proved to myself how little I "need" to get by on (which is a fallacy, because if I was getting what I needed I wouldn't be shedding pounds and feeling like a shit taco, would I?).

All that to say: today is an incongruous mix of feelings.  Extremely elated about my work, yet pretty damn disheartened and depressed at how I completely fail to handle something (food) that seems to come natural to so many people.

It's one of those "cry behind your sunglasses in the grocery store" days, and I'm just really, really tired of this.

Popcorn, Morning Texts, and Weekend Reading

A few random notes from the weekend:

-It made my day when the old lady I've befriended at the gym asked me to add her on Facebook.

-Over the last 24 hours, some member of my family has chosen to have popcorn for each and every one of the 3 traditional meals,  Meaning someone (Littlebro) had it for breakfast, someone else (Mom) for lunch, someone else (Cammy, lol) for dinner, etc.

-Match woke me up this morning with a text asking if we could play the "Things I Love About Cammy" game.

-Despite the fact that I've had 4 extra days in the country to get work done, I've mostly been finishing the 2nd season of True Blood and reading backposts on the Mental Floss blogs.

-It finally feels like fall outside! I'm afraid I'll miss the most beautiful part of the season while I'm on my trip, but oh well...back in time for the holidays at least.

-I have almost perfected a recipe for a protein powder muffincookiething.

-Poor G. has seen my suitcases sitting out and ready to go for days now and can't settle down, because he *knows* what that signal portends...

-I am disturbed and concerned by how dolled-up and mature the girls are that post on Littlebro's Facebook page.  Stay away from my innocent baby brother!  Wait, he's 15 now?  Holy crap.  Still think they look like they're trying to be too grown up.

-The new book put out by the Daily Show, Earth, is fantabulously hilarious, literal laugh out louds on almost every page.

-So far it looks like everything is a go with finally leaving for my trip as rescheduled, fingers crossed!

--It Happened!

So, as some of you may have noticed from my commenting activity on other blogs, I am not, in fact, out in the field right now.  Remember my conclusion in my last post that "shit happens"?  Well this is proof of point!  There were some last minute complications with transporting my equipment down to the site, so we were delayed a few days.

I was nowhere near as stressed as I thought I would be in that situation, with less than 24 hours notice of the change.  I held onto my cool the whole time, sort of surprised myself, and I know that in the long run this is just a blip that shouldn't affect any outcomes.

And actually, I'm kind of glad.  I have the weekend to spend with my family and talk to Match before I take off.  I was actually feeling quite sorry for myself on Thursday, because during the week I'm mostly here working from home alone, and I was getting major lonelies being so isolated in the days leading up to leaving everyone I love for several weeks.

So, that's the update, hope everyone is having a great weekend!

On the Road Again

It has been a CRAZY week, I leave at 7 AM tomorrow for my next research trip to Tropical Field Site.  This one really snuck up on me.  I think I have everything ready, but there is still definite trip anxiety going on.

Reasons for being anxious:

1) This is my most autonomous research trip yet.
Previously I've always had at least a professor or 2 with me, and last time there were 10 people total, almost all of whom had been there before.  This time, it's just me with one assistant, who has never visited the country before, much less our specific site.  My language skills are better than they were at the start of the last trip but still not as good as I'd like them to be.

2) Usual travel issues
Will my flight be cancelled/delayed, will my bags arrive (I'm carrying several thousand dollars worth of equipment), will I have to sit next to a kid that spills stuff in my lap, etc.

3) Food/exercise
I had a major relapse on the last trip.  I will be there for a shorter duration this time, not as much time to develop/sustain harmful habits, but I still need to try harder to do better....which brings anxiety about gaining weight.  My relapses have rarely, if ever, been conscious attempts to lose weight, they've just results from attempts to not gain gone wild.

Ways to deal:

 1) Even though I won't be supervised, the truth is that none of my professors have used the techniques that I'll be doing, and they were never hands-on with the work in the field last time.  So mostly I let them know what I'm doing and seek approval for making changes if needed (NOTHING ever goes exactly as planned).   So this shouldn't be that much different....but the feeling of flying solo is definitely more significant.  If something goes drastically wrong, chances are they couldn't have prevented/fixed it any better than me, it's just dread of coming back and having to deliver bad news to them if that does happen.
BUT they've both done a lot of tropical field work themselves, even if it's not using my exact methods, so in short they know and accept that shit happens and trust that I do my best to make the best of it...

2) See last sentence above.  Shit happens.  It can and probably will; I'll survive.  On the last trip, I a) was wait-listed on my 1st flight and almost missed it, b) my next connection was cancelled completely and I risked being stranded overnight, c) the next available flight landed only 20 minutes before my international flight left, nowhere near enough time to re-check in and do security and customs, and d) my luggage was left in the United States and I didn't get it for over 24 hours.  And I'm here to tell the tale!  In every situation (even item c, which involved major pulling of strings), things were worked out and I arrived safe and on time that night.

3) Food and exercise....I need to work on keeping my priorities straight and the big picture in mind.  Since it's just me and an inexperienced assistant, if I am not on top of my game, or if I get sick or hurt, the work just won't happen and not getting my data is the WORST thing that could occur on this trip.  So I have to make sure to do everything I can to avoid that, which includes fueling myself appropriately and not over-working my body with extra hiking and activity.
     I'll be on a much stricter timeline than over the summer, with less total days at the site, which will be a help.  I tend to use free time destructively, and so having fewer free days and afternoons to myself will probably be a huge help in keeping me on track.
   Also, during and immediately following my last trip, I was in intense turmoil over my relationship with Match.  As you poor people have had to read way too much about in recent posts, we've worked through tons of things and really cemented our relationship more firmly than ever over the last 6-8 weeks, and I am feeling extremely secure and confident about the situation now.  Last time involved a lot of life changes. I was leaving for the tropics, and when I came back I was moving to a different state, and while I was gone HE was moving to a different state as well, and putting us 10 hours apart.  We've gotten into the swing of this Distance Couple thing, though, and I trust him and us more than I ever really thought possible.
   I have packed a TON of supplemental food, because I don't tend to be comfortable with what they serve at the field station.  I have enough that I could probably make it off of just what's in my luggage, although I do eat some of what they give us.  But rice and fish heads for breakfast?  Hopefully even a non-ED person would understand me turning my nose up at that...anyway, I did pretty well with food on my December '09 trip, so I need to use that as a model and not be tempted to repeat the July '10 trip.

So those are the challenges.  I'm SO excited to be back on the ground and bringing back the crown jewel and purpose of my academic and professional life right now....DATA.  Gimme gimme, I wants, lemme at it.  Really itching to see the results of the work I did when I was there over the summer, it's like Christmas!  Even though I stress over these trips, I'm going down to do what I'm really passionate about, and wouldn't trade it for the world.

Also, we're going to a new part of the country with TOTALLY new habitat and wildlife, I'm really looking forward to that.  Considering what a ritualistic and routine-dependent personality/lifestyle I have, I actually really love adventure and seeing new places, so this is going to be super exciting. One of my least favorite things about not writing under my own name is that I can't show you the AWESOME pictures of where I work!

I'll miss my family, my dog, Match.  I won't have any phone or internet for weeks, and it's hard to be completely cut off from contact, imagining them going about their daily lives while I'm down there scrambling around in the jungle.  BUT I know that they will all be here for me when I get back, and in my experience the joy of reunions definitely makes up for difficult good-byes.

Which brings me to y'all!  I'm going to miss you, and really appreciate both the support you give me and, for those that blog themselves, the insights I am privy to from your awesome and thoughtful posts.  Don't forget me while I'm gone, love you muchly!

<3
Cammy

Dish Overhaul

So, the big non-revelation of the day is that I tend to be a teensy bit extremely habit forming.  Sometimes, obviously, it has reached pathological proportions, other things are just little preferences and benign quirks that are solidified into my daily routines.  Everyone, ED or not, has them, right?  I had a friend in high school that wouldn't drink of bendy straws, my brother refuses to sleep without socks, even in summer, etc etc.  My mom has to have her desk arranged just so before she can study.  People are funny.

But obviously, with EDs many of those things are more food-centered, some more harmful than others.  Some are just habits that can be broken when necessary, while others are unhealthy "laws."

One thing for me is that I find have sort of a meal ritual, always eating foods in the same sequence, having fruits cut into a certain number of pieces, etc.  I used to eat the same food every single day, with only one acceptable breakfast, one lunch, one dinner to choose from.  Thank god I left that stage years ago, boooring! 

I hadn't really realized it until I moved back in with my parents, but eating out of the my standard bowls and plates is apparently a habit I didn't know I had, until I was back in their environment instead of among my own things.  Note that this is NOT a mega anxiety issue, I function just fine when I'm away from my personal Pfaltzgraff, it's just something that I notice enough to, well, notice.  Plus, our dishes are similar enough that it wasn't all that significant.

So I'd adjusted to the dishes here and established my standard bowls, cups, etc....and when I came home from last weekend's trip, they'd bought entirely new kitchenware!  Out with the old dishes, because my mom was tired of them after 10 or so years, and in with an entirely new kind.  We used to have nice round plates and now there are these thing, super-modern looking square ones.  None of the bowls are exactly the same size as the ones we had previously.  The coffee cups don't have handles.  The food does not arrange the same way on these things!

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, except to mention kind of a funny issue that I suspect people might be able to relate to.  This overhaul in dishes has NOT affected my eating or caused real anxiety, I must reiterate, it's just *weird*.  I know such reactions are not restricted to people with EDs.  I guess I just wanted to invite people to comment: do you have a similar issue with plates, do you have standard or special dishes you prefer to use, what's special about them, does it take you a while to get used to new items like dishes or kitchenware?

Seems like a silly issue when I write it out like this, but I had an inkling I wasn't the only one that becomes easily set in my ways...

Weekend Wins

So, the trip over the weekend went very well. I actually had a ton of challenges come up, because it seemed like nothing went as we planned, as far as meals at least. Match always wanted to sit down and look up menus online before we chose a restaurant to make sure there was something I'd be comfortable with...but our lunch pick on Saturday turned out to be close on weekends, our dinner pick one night was closed by the time we got there, the food at one place sounded ok but was awful when it came out, we got behind schedule and ended up not eating until pretty late one night, our breakfast spot on Friday was closed for renovations, etc etc etc.

And I have to say, I think I earned some gold stars for adaptability. I didn't have one anxiety episode about any of it, and each time we adjusted and had a good time. When my food was bad at one restaurant (this wasn't an ED pickyness thing, it was an Ew That's Gross Fish issue, Match agreed with me), we went to Starbucks afterwards so I could get a snack to make up for it. When our lunch spot was closed, we wandered through Italian district downtown and found a fantastic little place by chance. When my portobello meal came out as a sandwich instead of just plain, I saw how awesome the home-made bread looked and ate the whole damn thing. And had gelato afterwards. And it was good.

I just remembered I did have one Anxiety Episode. We decided to go to a play at a community theater by his house one night, and it started at 7, the time I prefer to eat dinner. It was a long show, so we had to eat beforehand if we were going to. The thing is, we'd had a very late lunch, and neither of us were really hungry, but we knew we wouldn't be back until 11...I decided to just make a light something and have a snack when we got in. My light something did involve cooking. Match said he'd do the same, but then decided he'd just "have a little snack now and one again later," not cooking anything. This really stressed me (I know it doesn't sound rational) because I didn't want to be cooking "real food" if he wasn't, a major self-consciousness issue. I got very frustrated with myself for being upset, and even though I tried to escape to the bathroom to collect myself while ostensibly getting ready for the show, he definitely picked up on it and was unhappy about not knowing what to do, he looked distressed for a few minutes. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it and I said no, which is not the norm for me with him.

Anyway, in the end he handled it in the best possible manner: he didn't say anything, but just went into the kitchen and started cooking himself some dinner. I did too, we went to the show, and it was a good night. I don't want him to feel like he has to eat when he's not hungry just to make me happy, and told him so, but he just replied that he would need to eat eventually and would rather do it in a way that made me more comfortable with the situation, since it's not a big deal for him but it is for me. There are some cases where it's ok; the day I mentioned above when my food was bad and we went to Starbucks afterwards, he didn't get anything, but he had just eaten a meal and I hadn't.

So besides that blip, it was an AWESOME trip. We did a lot of active things, so I wasn't very stressed about a few days away from exercise routines.

Some of the things I felt were biggest victories:

-The number of liquid calories I consumed, which is something I didn't allow myself for many years. I'm still not quite comfortable eating the volume of food my mp demands when I'm around other people, so I'm learning that the liquid option is a good way to stay fueled if I don't get enough at a meal. At one point I mentioned I always take longer to eat than he does, and he responded that he's aware that our volumes of food don't usually have the same calories, since he eats like a stereotypical bachelor with cheeseburgers, fries, cokes, etc.

-The gelato I mentioned above, not only did I eat it but I'm the one that suggested it.

-We only went to one chain restaurant the entire weekend, and that was as a back-up for a local place we'd picked that was closed. This is a win because often I'm super uncomfortable eating at non-chain places because they don't have nutrition info available online.

-Cooking with Match. We ate in at his place for most breakfasts and a couple of dinners, and the little domestic scene of cooking and eating meals at home together is a new thing for us. We ate none of the same food, since our preferences are completely different, but it was nice just to be sharing the space and time.

Situations that would really stress me out at home are much easier to deal with around Match (I don't mean this post to be one long brag on him, but he is really good at understanding and handling every thing), I guess partly because I really just want to focus on having a good time and partly because I know he's aware of the issues without judging me for them.

So that's the weekend from the angle of how ED stuff went, but my favorite thing about the trip was how little I actually thought about ED stuff in the moment. We went a lot of places, did a lot of things, talked, saw shows, walked his dogs, etc, and ED stuff was an issue, as always, but not the focus. And that is such a nice change, can't believe it.

Match Weekend

Sitting in the airport waiting to board the plane that will take me to Match for the weekend, first time I've visited his new city. Adding a new state to my life list, too! I'm really excited, and a bit proud:

1) I am ridiculously pampered and spoiled by him. I'm very much a down-to-earth and do-it-myself type girl, but damn if I don't sometimes enjoy a princess weekend too.

2) I have NOT increased any ED behaviors leading up to this trip. Not that I wasn't tempted. I know I've put on weight since I last saw him (exactly a month ago) but I can rationalize to myself that a) it's not much weight, b) I'm still less than I've weighed for most of the time we've been dating, and c) I am secure in the fact that he loves me, not a number.

Match knew I'd been trying to get back on track ed-wise this month and was worried I'd regress leading up to the trip, he specifically brought it up and made sure to tell me he wanted me to take care of myself and be happy and healthy, for both me and him. And yesterday when we were chatting and I told him I've done zero extra ED behaviors, he said he was proud of me, and just the way the words came out made it one of the most touching things anyone has ever said to me.

So anyway, I have been promised a zoo trip, all the Starbucks my kidneys can handle, and anything else I want this weekend...but really I just can't wait to be around Match, he really has become my best friend.

Brother's Brain

Had a rather awkward experience today, sort of frustrating too. I went to coffee with my mom and one of her friends, and they started talking about my 17 year old brother, who has been having some major anxiety/depression programs and just started on Zoloft this week. My mom was talking about his latest doctor's appointment, and what a revelation/help it had been for the doc to explain to this that this is something wrong with his brain, a true physiological imbalance/miswiring that is causing this, and will never go away on its own if it's not given the proper attention and treatment.

The whole time I was sitting there thinking "what the fuck do you think I've been dealing with for almost 11 years now? A fad diet?" My family has always shied away from addressing my ED, and I'm not sure they will ever really get it.

I don't know how to explain exactly what I felt. It probably sounds petty; I'm not jealous at all of the concern for my brother and I am so incredibly glad he's getting treatment. I don't want my family to push me into treatment or spend more time talking about my ED. I just don't want to feel like it's a completely unrecognized issue. I'm having a hard time articulating everything exactly. It was just a little invalidating for my mom to act as though hearing that an anxiety or other behavioral issue having organic origins was such a revelation, when that is the main thing underlying my issues too, but no one seems to recognize that.

At this point, after so long, I don't know if they even think of the ED as a disease anymore, it's just Cammy's weird personality.

Needing Balance

I really, REALLY wish I could somehow make my body feel balanced and ok. I am hungry when I'm overstuffed, I'm fatigued despite eating, I'm light-headed sometimes when I think I shouldn't be.

2 ways I know I could help the problem, yet haven't:

--Mo better breakfast. I have always been one of those I'm Not a Breakfast Person people. And I'm not. So breakfast is by far my lightest meal of the day, and with that plus the way my workout load is highest in the morning, I usually don't have lunch before 1:30, it means I spend about half the day bordering on hypoglycemic and worn out. I think this is the main reason I feel physiologically unbalanced all day.

I think another reason I push calories back later in the day is that for so many years I had such a meager daily allowance of food, that I was super-conscious about not "using it up" too early in the day, so I wouldn't have to go to bed completely hungry (just mostly hungry). Now I am eating enough that I can space it appropriately if I so choose, I just haven't been choosing to because of that old instinctive calorie budgeting habit.

--Workout load itself. Is very high. More than it was before I moved this summer. And it's really just breaking me down. I had good goals about rock climbing and bike riding instead of ritual workouts, to get some fun/functional/non-obsessive activity in, but I haven't been able to give up any of the ritual to make room for them, and have zerozilchnada energy left over after ritual exercise, which means those plans are just not working out. I have way too much free time in between research trips this fall, but I'm spending all of it getting caught up in the same pointless cycle as always.

Despite that, my weight isn't really suffering. Over the last 5 weeks or so I've gained maybe a little under half of what I lost over the summer, but the trend has been positive on that.

Ok, general vent/status update. I'm taking a trip back to my university town to lecture for a class tomorrow. Looking forward to that, although obviously the change in routine always creates some anxiety.

One positive is that my brothers went back to school today, and with mom at school also and dad at work, now I have the house entirely to myself during the day, which makes it way easier for me to cook real meals in the kitchen, at least for breakfast and lunch.

I hope everyone had a fantabulous Labor Day!

The Mitochondria Awaken

So my body is starting to react to my re-committal to the meal plan, and I think I'm in hypermetabo-mode (again). I was starving all afternoon yesterday despite a massive lunch, had a good breakfast this morning but was more hungry 10 minutes after eating than I had been to start with. Been having night sweats too. Hello, mitochondria, nice to see you awake again!

Nice to be reminded my body still works. But it still bugs the hell out of me. I'm following prescribed mp (I'm not seeing D anymore but still following what she laid out for me before) but I have an ultra-hard time straying from the mp even if I feel I need more, so I just end up being hungry a lot and frustrated that my body still annoys me when I try to treat it better.

Whine! Off to the bike shop to buy a pump and get info about group rides that they do several times a week. I do the recumbent bike at the gym, but biking on the road is much different and I'll need to practice on my own for a while before riding in a group. I'm really trying to use biking and rock climbing as ways to channel the exercise urge into something fun and functional, and less rigidly quantified than machines at the gym. Anecdote related to this in a post soon to come.

Happy weekend my loves!

Meet-Up, Melting, and other Miscellany

There probably will be little organization or theme to this post, apologies! Kind of swamped with work, so this is a catch-all for the week.

I got to meet the fantabulous Carrie on Tuesday. We first met way back when I was in high school, bonded over our mutual love of science books, and the rest is history. It's always kind of surreal to meet someone you've only known online, but definitely interesting, and, at least in this case, definitely a lot of fun. :) And, as Carrie pointed out, it was interesting that we chatted for hours (time flew!) but had so much to talk about that EDs never came up once. It's nice to be around people that reinforce the fact that there are so many other, more rewarding things to build our lives around.

A few stressors from the homefront:

-Our big chest freezer in the garage broke down today. The one, of course, that was holding a ton of groceries I bought at Trader Joe's over the weekend. When it comes to food management, I got stress, people. So the thought of the food going to waste, not having available what I'd planned to eat, etc etc, was very bothersome. And my parents were at work/school so I was dealing with it myself today, Brother and Littlebro were decidedly unhelpful.

-Which leads to the fact that I've been eating a lot more frozen/packaged foods since I've moved back in with the family. I'm self-conscious about being watched in the kitchen, so I resort to whatever gets me in and out of there fastest. I'm not a super-puritan on preservatives and all that, but I do definitely notice that I feel different from all the sodium and such. I'd gotten to the point over the past year where I cooked mostly from real ingredients, and I miss that. Of course I could very well do that here, I just need to get over my hang-ups about other people seeing me preparing food.

-I've been doing well with adhering to the meal plan, great in fact. But exercise, as always, is definitely keeping me out of balance, in a big way. Considering I'm not taking classes and work from home, I should have time to get plenty done, but I know my productivity is WAY, WAY below what it could be if I wasn't burning so much time at the gym. Really need to work on breaking rigidities with the exercise.

Starting to doze off, so I better go. Love y'all, have a great Labor Day weekend!

AM

-

Pseudo-Semester Thoughts

This is not ED-related, but something on my mind anyway.

It feels SO strange not be starting classes this August! I've got a year hiatus from classes (still enrolled at my university) to collect data for my thesis, and it feels so.strange. My brothers are starting back to school, my friends, my cousins, my Match, even my momma, and it feels really alien to not be filling my planner with dates from each course syllabus, packing the coffee and notebook each early morning and heading out to be a student.

I'm kind of nostalgic about the whole thing. Yes, classes can be stressful, but I am really so intrigued and enamored of my field of study that I love them anyway, I cannot get enough of it.

Of course it's not that I'm not learning this year. I'm juggling preparing 2 manuscripts for publication right now and have a couple more coming up after that, managing data from my fieldwork and preparing for the next trip, setting up a side project to do in between visits to Tropical Field Site, doing some guest lectures for my adviser's undergrad classes, video-conferencing with my lab members once a week, etc etc...

I guess I feel kind of like a pseudo-student. In some ways, I know that classes are formalities. Considering my field and my fascination with it, I don't plan to ever STOP being a student, I plan to learn new things every day for as long as my cells are firing.

But it still feels odd that my backpack hasn't left its spot on the corner of my room since I first moved in here almost a month ago.

Daily Required Reading

I don't often do simple "go read this post" posts, but I REALLY encourage everyone to check out today's amazing offering by Katie at Health for the Whole Self: Body Metaphors. Must read of the day!

On the Upswing

I have been sticking to my plan of getting back on track, and finally worked myself up to 100% of mp yesterday and today. I am amazed at how unstressed and peaceful I've felt this week, it's actually rather odd and out of character for me. I'll take it, I guess!

My relative serenity is kind of odd since everyone in my house is in crisis right now. Mom just started law classes for the semester; Dad is having major uncertainties with job (he's not at risk of being fired, just unsure of whether he'll be moved to a different part of the country); Brother's girlfriend is in some kind of crisis, I know no details, but his moods reflect hers; Littlebro got dumped by his girlfriend last week, and during his mourning has been living on Dr. Pepper, bananas, and about 2 hours of sleep per night. And me? I'm trying to keep the peace, lay low, do chores for the 'rents while they're at school/work and try to be the cool, available You Can Talk to Me big sis. I don't mean to come of as blythe and unsympathetic, obviously it bothers me that these people are having trouble and I do indeed empathize strongly with each of them, but it's strange to me that there's nothing in my own immediate life (school, relationship, weight, etc) that is causing me anxiety right now.

I'm even (pretty much) ok with increasing the food again. I know the weight I got down to, as seductive as it made my reflection appear to me, wasn't acceptable for me. I know that I can be (and have been) heavier and that does not equal being fat. I know that I *feel* better when I'm treating myself better.

So after a few days of being more respectful to my body, I do definitely feel a difference, it's nice to be rid of head-swimminess and such. I still tire out faster than I'd like, but the hypoglycemic cloud feeling is gone. Also, I was having MAJOR anorexia-insomnia (restricting food really does induce hormones that keep you from sleeping, Google it), so sleep is starting to get better. I have to admit that the amount of food I'm eating on 100% of mp makes me physically uncomfortable. :s I really, really hate feeling bloated and overstuffed. But 1) that's one of the tough stuffs of recovery that's hard to avoid, and 2) I know that as I adjust, that effect will lessen.

I went rock climbing the other night, and oh.man. am I sore. I was also pretty bad at it, because my arm strength is nil, and that's a rather important component. Still, I think it was good for me to be in the rock gym surrounded by people who are focused on working out to be healthy, strong, agile and energized, though, instead of just being there to burn calories like at a traditional gym. I hope to start going regularly, I think building functional strength like that is a good goal as long as it doesn't increase my overall exercise time.

So, that's the status in a nutshell. One issue I'm having with co-habitating again is I am SUPER self conscious about other people being around when I'm making/eating meals. My family is so busy that most of the time I can do it without being under the microscope, but it's still hard. Also, Brother is a food-hoover and I have to specify with him if there is anything in the kitchen I do not want him to consume on one of his kitchen raids, which occur about every 22 minutes, according to my calculations. Fortunately he really is a good guy and is respectful if there's something I specifically bought and want to make sure is there when I plan to eat it.

To wrap up, there are always a few wrinkles, but overall I feel good about things right now.

Once Upon a Time Year Ago....

...I met this boy. He was nice, cute, funny, but little did I know when I wrote this simple post that it would lead to a long journey, one year and counting today, that would end up changing my life in so many ways. I've come to accept my body in new ways, break old habits, and allow someone to get through that arms-length barrier I maintain around myself by disordered default and actually connect with me on a deep level.

Somehow, that day a year ago, this poor fool bumbled into my world and decided not to leave, and he has learned everything there is to know about me, not only accepting but cherishing me along with my numerous flaws (see this post for his reaction when I told him about the ongoing ED issues).

I still haven't wrapped my brain around it. The world is a strange place, no?

Match Pow-Wow Recap and Moving Forward

I feel much more peaceful and calm after taking a few days away with Match. It's so nice for my mind to be a bit quieter, instead of constant crisis mode like it had been for weeks. We had a great time, I was kind of overwhelmed at how amazing it was to see him after 49 days (who counted?) apart. I was pampered and spoiled beyond belief, let me tell you. We also had some serious talks about Us. I wanted us to at least take a 1 month break, to kind of step back and get better perspective on our situation. Match didn't like that idea at all, thought it was pointless, etc...after about 2 hours of intermittently tearful pow-wowing, we sort of uncovered a lot of the root ideas, fears, and angles that were behind both of our thought processes on the issue. I think my main hang-ups were a subconscious wish to isolate myself, fear over him finding someone new and so wanting to dissociate pre-emptively to protect myself, and various other things that are hard to explain now. In a nutshell, we're still together (first anniversary on Tuesday) and I am really glad. I have no illusions that this is Forever, but for now I think it's a good thing.

I know it sounds like I totally got suckered in, the possibility of which has definitely crossed my mind, but I honestly don't think that's the case.

So enough of all that gooshy relationship stuff, SORRY! ED-wise, I was very unwise last week, and continued my slippage leading up to the trip. I can't explain why, no clue. While I was with him I did decently, especially considering I was away from exercise routines. Although I definitely had a few meals where I filled in calories I didn't want to eat with alcohol...I only drink on special occasions out, but am going to have to stay conscious of how much I am starting to like the buzz, considering my family history and my own predilection to forming habits. But anyway, I was NOT drunk all week, just for the record! Cammy stayed ladylike, I promise. ;)

So yesterday was Tomorrow, according to my goal of beating Tomorrow Syndrome and really starting to get back on track after the trip, instead of finding another reason to put it off.

And I think I did ok. Thanks so much for all the supportive comments, y'all are amazing. As far as behaviors, yesterday I had less food and more exercise than the baseline I know I need to return to (even that baseline is too much exercise, I know, but this is going to have to be stepwise for me), but it was a significant improvement over how I was treating myself a week ago, and I'm on track to continue the positive trend today. Trying to just think about it one day at a time right now, picking one part to do better than yesterday, then hang onto that and add a new improvement tomorrow, etc.

One last item, one of the concerns I expressed in an earlier post was that M would like me better thinner. He was seriously bent on buttering me up on this trip, so of course I got showered in compliments, but never based on my size (meaning it was things like "you look beautiful" not "you look thin and beautiful"). I had told him before that I'd dropped weight on my trip, so he knew to expect that. I refuse to use numbers or anything on here, but just so you have an idea, I'm at my lowest weight since before I graduated from college (before I met M) BUT am still much healthier than I was for the bulk of the time I was in college. This has not been a catastrophic relapse, just a very significant slip.

On the first night I just plain asked him if he'd have noticed the weight loss if I hadn't told him, and he obviously felt awkward and on the spot. I could tell he wanted very badly to not say the wrong thing. Finally he just said "I honestly don't know. I might have just thought I remembered you a bit wrong?" And then he thought for a while and added "But I think you overestimate how much I'll notice. When I see you I don't think 'She's thinner' or 'she's bigger', I think 'she's my Cammy' and that's all that matters."

We had a similar conversation on the phone last night, when I told him I was trying to get back on track with eating, etc but was going to be nervous if I'd put weight back on the next time I see him. Again, he assured me that it made no difference to him and he probably wouldn't even notice. I tend to believe him, because I gained a few pounds the first 9 months or so of our dating and he seemed genuinely surprised the first time I mentioned it to him.

I think one of my main issues, which is behind both the turmoil over the relationship and the ED slippage, is just that I'm incredibly uncomfortable dealing with the fact that someone could care about me unconditionally, intimately, knowing that my little toes are crooked and my hair cowlicks when I wake up and that I can't whistle very well and oh yeah I have an eating disorder and some serious issues with connecting with people. What the hell is wrong with this guy, and when will he snap out of it and drop me like a hot potato? Still not sure, but starting to move towards believing it's not too good to be true, as opposed to disconnecting from it to try to protect myself.

So this is getting long and rambly and I sank into more gooshy relationship stuff, apologies. In a nutshell, I feel like my head is in a MUCH better place this week, and I'm going to work hard to stay with it.

Resolution

I'm busy playing catch-up after taking a few days off to vacation with Match, so I'll have to save a full rehash of the week for later. The most pressing issue of the morning is that today I really want to start getting on track with my eating. I'm scared at how easy and natural this whole thing has felt, as far as slipping and reverting to old behaviors, proving to myself how austere I can be. At the same time, although it f*ing terrifies me, I will admit I haven't been sorry to see the pounds go away, and am trying to steel myself to see them come back.

Anyway, the act of posting about it makes me more likely to stay accountable, even though either way I am the only one enforcing any resolution on myself. I am going to try.

Less Weight on the Scale

So despite all the turmoil and backsliding with regards to food and working out, I realized this morning that at least one behavior has improved: weighing. I’ve never been one to obsessively weigh multiple times a day, but that ritual morning check-in with the scale and recording of weight in my little notebook was always of umpteenth importance to me for years. (Interestingly, I went through a period where I was very sick but never weighed myself, there have been various stages). Obviously I could not weigh myself every day when I was out in the jungle, though, and it seems to have broken that mental loop and just really don't care enough on most mornings to do the scale thing. Giving it less weight, and I won't lie, the pun is intended.

Now that I’m co-habitating with family again, I can’t keep my scale in the bathroom because it would be awkward/upsetting for various family members, I think, and despite my history I really do try to minimize stress on my family. My room has no hard surfaces on which to put a scale, so I can’t use it in there. I’m usually up before everyone else in the morning, so it’s easy to just carry it into the bathroom, but I really do seem to have just broken the habit. I’ve been back for 2 weeks now and have weighed myself 4-5 times, way less than the minimum 14 times I would have previously. And all but one of those times I forgot to write it down in The Notebook.

So there you go, something to break the streak of doom and gloom posts.

Leaving this afternoon to spend a few days with Match and try to get this damn thing worked out.

No matter what happens with M, I won’t see him again for over a month (he lives 10 -12 hours away), and I think right now is a good time for me to have a break from being physically with someone, because although in some ways it has definitely helped me to validate my healthier body over the past year, right now I think it’s probably just an added stressor to my out of whackness.

I know this still smacks of Tomorrow Syndrome, but I SWEAR that after this trip I’m going to get back on the wagon with eating.

Ok need to bounce, will catch up with y'all this weekend my loves.

Title? I give up.

So, the Match situation is hard to explain right now. I tried to break up with him and he's refusing to accept that, and somehow he always talks me down. He made the valid point that our last good-bye was way too rushed (it was, emergency in the airport and I literally had to sprintoff). So he's coming down next week and we're going to spend a few days together. I think he's seeing it as coming down to rescue the relationship and remind me of why we're good together, but in my mind it's kind of a last hurrah/wrap up/finalize this type situation. In a nutshell, I'm confused and don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Truthfully, he's my best friend right now, I think that's the main issue that's keeping me from doing what I know I need to. He knows me better than anyone. He's the only person I can talk to about my ED. He always knows what to say to make me smile, he is the most honest (in a tactful way) person I've ever met, his voice can calm me down like no other and mine seems to do the same for him, we have our inside jokes and text each other at the same moment randomly multiple times a day. Goddammit now I'm crying. Again. I bet this all sounds really selfish, too. It's not that I dislike him and want him out of my life, I just have this gut feeling that this is not It, as he claims, this little worm of dissatisfaction that has been building for quite a while. I wish I had a good reason, some excuse to be mad at him or dislike him, but I don't, he's actually a great boyfriend.

So, that's the update on that. Collecting myself, for the moment.

Food and exercise have deteriorated a bit since I've been back and I'm at the lowest weight I've been in over a year. I need to get a grip on this. I KNOW that. I can't get in this pattern, I'm too experienced and efficient at it to let myself. I have Tomorrow Syndrome right now, although Tomorrow is a stand in for various milestones in the future. I'll do better in the morning, I'll do better this weekend, I'll do better after the trip to see Match.

It will be the first time he's seen me since before my trip, and I'm worried he'll find me more attractive at a lower weight. But some wicked part of me almost hopes for it, to validate what I'm doing to myself.

On another note, a while back (2 years almost, damn) I posted a Rihanna song that really hit home with me regarding ED stuff. Recently I've also been struck by her chorus in the single she has out right now, "Love the Way You Lie." (Video at bottom). Actually if you're not mega-turned off by Eminem, the whole song can be seen as a sort of metaphor for an ED, as it's about an abusive/entrapping relationship. But anyway, I think the chorus sums it up well:

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I REALLY don't want this quote to come off as anything pro, I'm afraid it seems like a quote that would show up on one of those sites, because that's NOT how I want to frame it. Just trying to share that sometimes things like this strike a chord and I think it captures the ambiguity of relapse, being simultaneously afraid and seduced, drawn to something that can only end up poorly, as if a moth knew it would burn but can't break the trance of the flame.