Now for Playtime

So, it is Friday night, my boyfriend is out of town (although he usually works Fridays anyway), and I am too tired to even look at my latest grant proposal manuscript. Fortunately, the fantabulous Sara has tagged me with a meme, so I have a nice excuse to take a break and have fun in blogland:

1. Thank the person who gave this to you.

2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3. Link to the person who nominated you

4. Tell up to six outrageous lies about yourself, and at least one truth.

5. Nominate seven "Creative Writers" who might also have fun telling outrageous lies.

6. Post links to the seven blogs you nominate

7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you tagged them.

Thanks Sara, you're the bestest!

Six lies and a truth;

1. I am ambidextrous.

2. I have a pet tarantula.

3. At one point in my life, I wanted to be an oncologist.

4. I speak Cantonese.

5. When I was nine years old I was left behind at a rest stop in Florida on a family vacation.

6. I once rode a mechanical bull at a bar in Mexico, but first made my friend trade bottoms with me because I wouldn't sit on it in a skirt.

7. I am allergic to chinchillas.

So what think you, any guesses as to the truth?

I tag....

Amy

Tiptoe

Kim

Sarah

Brie

Blue Eyed Heart

Ellie

And anyone else who cares to tell some creative lies and interesting truths. ;)

Happy weekend, everyone! Thanks, as always, for your general awesomeness.

Break in Momentum

So, although last week was successful in terms of meeting challenges, for some reason I'm really struggling over the past couple of days. Kind of a break in momentum. My goal for this week is supposed to be 4 days of half-exercise. I did that on Wednesday with no problem, and intended to do it yesterday, but had a REALLY hard time, both with physical discomfort (body ickies) and mental anxiety over it.

I also found myself feeling like I HAD to go to the gym if it was going to be a half day, because I can use a more intense machine there then I had at home. This bothered me, because I know that panicky "I must do this or else" voice does not come from a healthy place.

I ended up not going to the gym. I wish I could claim it was a feat of willpower and psychological fortitude, but in reality I was on the fence and then realized I had left my iPod at home, which was the straw that broke the camel's back. I can tolerate the monotony of exercise machines ONLY if I have something to tickle my brain while I'm doing it.

I skipped the gym, but ended up going over my exercise limit for the day. Not to full, but not close enough to half to please C. And even though I did more than the half, and am doing a full today, I still feel so...I'm not sure, just blah and with an extremely nonexistant appetite.

On a positive note, I did ok with a surprise challenging situation this morning: at the end of my early class, someone announced that they were going out for breakfast and everyone was welcome to join. At a place I'd never heard of before, and had no idea what to expect as far as menu. I am REALLY working hard at building my social network in my new city, and I like the people in this class quite a bit. Still...I had planned to go home to eat (I don't have any other classes, and work from home a few days a week so G. doesn't have to be an orphan pup), and had already mapped out my meal in my head.

But honestly, if I went home I was going to eat the same breakfast I eat several days a week. There will be another opportunity for that. So I went along to breakfast, and ate, and had a good time. Spontaneous eating out is HUGE for me. I can't tell you how many times I have passed up such invitations. I am just so tired of missing opportunities to connect to other people as if I were indeed a real person, you know?

I know that what I had at the restaurant (which was pretty light and boring, as menu items go, but it was what I could handle), was about the same or even less than what I normally have, so I'm not panicked over compensating for that, but I am still feeling totally...dunno, not wanting to eat today. I'm not saying I'm not going to eat, don't get me wrong, I'm just having a hard time thinking of something I want that will get all my cals in without making me feel too full than my brain can handle right now.

My appetite has actually been down all week. I'm not sure if this is because I've been following the rules on reducing exercise. But I am under strict orders NOT to decrease cals, supposedly I'm only eating enough for someone my age even without the workouts, which seems to be supported by my lack of significant weight gain despite cutting exercise time.

The only other possible cause that sticks out in my mind is the Provera? Took my last dose last night. In case anyone is interested, the only side effect I noticed (besides the lack of appetite) was a little bit of a breakout on my back, but then again I was only on it for 5 days. Now I'm supposed to wait and see if the drop-off of progesterone after having it boosted this week will kickstart a period, assuming my system was able to build up the uterine lining in response to the hormone, like it was supposed to. TMI alert! Sorry. Starting the Pill on Sunday, that should be interesting.

So kind of a blah day, just needed to process that a bit.

Mane Event

You know what I randomly noticed today?

I have great hair.

It is thick, thick, thick, and strong, with lots of body.

It is shiny and feels great to run my fingers through.

It feels even greater when someone else runs their fingers through it.

It catches the sun in interesting ways, highlighting the different shades of blonde.

I don't necessarily do a lot with my hair, I'm pretty low-maintenance. And it's cool with that. I don't even have to brush it unless I'm pulling it back: just scrunch and go works well.

Maybe some people don't even think it's particularly great hair, as hair goes. But I enjoy it immensely, so that's ok. I hope everyone thinks their own hair is awesome. I gripe because I wish it was straight, but really the curls aren't so bad, they're good for challenging my control issues.

Contrast to a couple few years ago, when it was brittle and dull and alarmingly thin. No sheen. No density. No vive. I can't tell you how many bottles of Drano I went through trying to clear the hair clogs in my tub and sink, because I lost handfuls of it every time I showered.

And scarier than that is how numb and ambivalent I felt as I watched it shed and die. I observed it clinically, dealt with the inconvenient mess, and went on with my day, not registering any fear or emotion or misgivings.

I do not miss those days and the me that inhabited them.

Pretend my hair is curtains. It's like the difference between this:

And this:
Just a friendly reminder that you restore way more than your weight in recovery.

And to jump topics in wrapping this up, I got not one but TWO, count 'em dos stickers at therapy yesterday, one for exercise and one for eating challenge (I ordered a non-salad entree at dinner with Match Tuesday night, and it turned out to be kind of scary and not what I expected when they brought it out, but I dealt). They join the collection.

Love for Trochanteric Adipose

The Beyonce Principle, in nerdspeak:

"Anatomically speaking, all the things that look so great on women are made of fat, if you come right down to it . . . the thing is, women try to look slim-hipped like men, and they can't. Not if they have any female hormones. The very thing that makes a woman so lovely is exactly what you have: big, beautiful trochanteric subcutaneous adipose tissue distribution."

~Aaron Elkins

Tires, Bookstores, and The Lady Pills Begin

The past few days have improved greatly over the first part of last week. Bad news is my car repairs have been delayed another 3 days, so I'm stuck with the rental (which has a faulty tire that has required 2 refills of air in the 4 days I've had it) until Friday. But good news is that I had a great weekend. Don't want to list too many details because some of it involved community stuff that would make me a tad identifiable, but it was awesome. I'd been in a blue mood for most of last week, but spirits were definitely lifted over the weekend. And I got a date night with Match, who earns more and more points every time I see him. Celebrating six month anniversary tomorrow! (I am in total need of some nonpublic Girl Talk. My mom and I are pretty open, but she's so busy with school these days, and it's something I am a little hesitant to broach with her. Guess it will wait til therapy on Wednesday).

Also, I've done well with my self-imposed challenges this week. If you recall, the goal was to do 3 half days and an intermediate day, for the period from last Wednesday through tomorrow. Today was my third half day, score! And I did one that was a little over the "intermediate" threshold that C. defined a while back, but still less than full. Maybe if I do one of those again tomorrow, it will average out to a legit intermediate. And by the way, support from you guys has been awesome. I apologize for putting you on the spot, CG, but when you commented to check in on me regarding the exercise stuff this afternoon, my Blackberry pinged with the comment notification while I was literally in my car on the way to the gym. I detoured and stopped at the bookstore instead. THAT is something that can keep me occupied for hours, so works well as a distraction. And now I am on track for a Sticker Week. Thanks for keeping me accountable!

In other news, I started on the Provera yesterday. It's been less than 24 hours, so no noticeable difference yet. I had virtually no appetite this morning, didn't eat breakfast until really late (I did eat the full amount), which could have been a sign of mild nausea...but part of me wonders if I'm just expecting it so I'll search for signs that aren't really there.

So this post has kind of been all over the board. In a nutshell, despite a few niggling issues I am really feeling a lot better about the world in general this week. I hope everyone's week is off to a great start!

Pill Anxiety

So, I would really appreciate feedback from you ladies (not that I wouldn't appreciate comments from male readers if you want to weigh in, non-discrimination zone here).

I am starting on the Pill next week, and am a little freaked out about it. Usually I have to literally feel like I'm dying before I put any medication into my body, I really just hate the thought of stuff going in there changing how it works. So I have been reading up on birth control as much as I can, and it seems that it makes you gain weight, it doesn't make you gain weight, it clears your acne, it makes you explode with acne, it makes you moody, it keeps you happy, it makes you puke, or it keeps you level. I have no idea what to think.

I talked to my physician about it today, and she's putting me on Provera for 5 days next week to try and kickstart a period (which I have never had, thanks to heading down the ED path over 10 years ago, before I actually hit puberty), then switching to Lo Ovral. She said it's not a super-high dose of estrogen, but that she doesn't want me on one of the progestin-only pills, because that wouldn't help my bones, which is half the reason for my being on the pill in the first place.

So I am in superanxiety mode about having my system messed with like this. I am soliciting any and all comments even marginally related to this. Have you been on the Pill? Any noteworthy positive or negative experiences with a certain brand? How long did it take your system to balance out with it? Any advice at all???

God, I sound like I just crawled out of a Judy Blume novel.

Rental Escapades Continue

Update: They called today and said they sold the car they rented me yesterday (after one car's battery died and the next had a flat tire) and want it back ASAP. Unfuckingbelievable.

I will WALK places before I will ever use Enterprise again!!!

Dear Murphy: You Stink

So, today was a Murphy's Law day.

I have been looking forward to my therapy appointment all week, because I've had some really heavy things on my mind that I needed to talk about. I haven't done so great with the challenges (ok, have done crappy for the past week), and needed a kick to process things and get back on track.

For some reason, the universe seemed to be conspiring against me.

I had class at 8:00, then worked on stuff in my office for a few hours. I have a BIG project coming up that I *thought* was due Monday, but is actually due Friday. Oops. Hadn't even started it until this morning. Stress.

My therapy appointment was at 12, so at 11:30 I packed up and headed out to drive over there.

Remember I am in a rental, because my beloved car (first one I have ever bought completely on my own) is in the shop, and so I'm currently driving a crappy little Chevy that feels and looks like a Tonka car. I feel like I'm driving around town in one of those little plastic Easter eggs, except there's nothing sweet inside. :(

So I approached and noticed the keyless entry didn't work, which was irksome. When I got in, I realized it was because the battery was dead. Fail. Well damn. I went back in to ask if anyone in the lab had jumper cables, which someone did. While I was in, someone came and parked in the open space next to me, meaning I was blocked in completely and no cables could reach to jump the damn thing. FAIL.

At this point I knew I wasn't going to make it to the therapy appointment. Fortunately it's the first one I've missed, so there was no fee, but I was still MEGA upset. My angst was about 90% over the appointment and just 10% over that POS car. I called my mom to vent and went into a full-blown Ugly Cry.

So I called the rental company, and they sent someone over to get me in a new car. They did the paperwork, entered the change into the computer, etc, which took forever. Gave me the keys, went out to do the pre-rental damage check, and it had a flat tire. F*ing failFailFAIL.

So we did that whole process again, and I was given the keys to a third car (same make and model as the other two losers). Requesting lots of positive thoughts and energy to help the Little Engine That Maybe Can't to get through the weekend, my own precious vehicle should be done next Tuesday or so.

Fortunately, none of that cost me any money. Even more fortunately, C. had a cancellation for later in the afternoon, so I actually did get my therapy session. I felt almost all better as soon as I found that out.

And boy did I need that session. I have been feeling really blue and emotionally weighted down this past week, and I definitely had a lot of things to bounce off of C. I feel like my head is screwed on a little more firmly now. I was hoping this cloud of melancholy would fade more after I got some things off my chest, which doesn't seem to be happening, but I do feel like I benefited and am SO glad I didn't have to sit on everything til next week.

I sucked at challenges last week, so instead of giving me goals (X days at half exercise, for example), she told me that I'm totally in charge this week, she's leaving it to me to decide what I need to do and do it. Ok....so I think I'm going to do what I was supposed to do last week but essentially blew off: 3 days of half-exercise, 3 others at the new ceiling (which is 75% of the original amount), and one day at an intermediate between the two times. With no "cheating" by going to the gym for more intense machines on the days I reduce time.

I think one reason I lost it earlier today was that I only slept about 4 hours last night. I was planning to start a new yoga class tomorrow morning, but can't decide if it will benefit me more to just sleep a little extra and wait til next week to start the class.

Sorry for the whine session!

PS The new rental car is red. And you know, I really do think I feel sexier in it . . . ;p

Taking It Back

So, in my previous posts on exercise reduction, I've gotten many comments relating to weight/metabolism issues involved in cutting back on the workouts. It seems this is an issue of anxiety for many people, myself definitely included.

Just wanted to issue an update, in case anyone is interested or needs some motivation to work on this in their own recovery. I've been working on the exercise challenges for about a month now, long enough make a serious dent in my energy balance and potentially add some pounds.

And.....nada. Weight is essentially unchanged, even after a couple of weeks of full compliance. So, add my anecdote to the list. I had one or two days of higher weights that freaked me out, but it was really just water weight and my weight would come back down and be stable at the baseline for many days in a row after that. I know that I am indeed SUPPOSED to be gaining weight, please don't read this as celebrating non-progress in that arena. Just wanted to share my experience that cutting back on the workouts did not make my weight balloon out of control, which is, I think, what many people fear.

On a slightly less positive note, this has not only been not a full compliance week, but an almost no compliance week. I stressed out about Valentine's day over the weekend and didn't want to reduce exercise before that (even though I knew that cutting back wasn't affecting my weight!), and I've been down about a few other things since then...so it's not that I'm struggling and haven't been able to do it, it's that I simply haven't cared enough to try, to be completely honest with you. There is a difference.

In all previous years, February has been my bottom-out month. I don't know what it is about this circannual cycle of mine. Partly weather, I'm sure, partly some significant dates this month, partly other things too. I have indeed felt the blues, apathy, and ambivalence creeping in, but trying hard to be conscious about keeping it at bay.

I've got a therapy appointment next week and plan to get back on the horse with the challenges. Even though I've been back to more pre-challenge patterns this week, it doesn't feel the same. After a month of cutting back and realizing how much extra time it gives me, I am increasingly resentful and frustrated with myself for the time wasted on essentially pointless activity. It's like I got a peek over the fence and realized for the first time how much greener the grass is over there.

So, in summary, the exercise experiment, although not great over the past week, is turning out to be not quite as traumatic as I anticipated. For anyone out there struggling with the same issue, please take heart that giving up the routine does not mean giving up control, it means taking it back!

Three Words, Slightly Tainted

First of all: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to all of my lovely wonderful readers! You are all amazing and I hope that you all do something to pamper yourselves today, if you're single or coupled or whatever in-between you might happen to be.

So Match did well with Valentine's Day: dinner last night at a nice French restaurant, symphony orchestra after that, sweet gifts, good night, bfast out this morning, nice walk in what remains of our snow.

I also got the Big Three words, one of which starts with an "L". Yes, that phrase, which I am too repressed to actually type. First time he's said it since we've been dating.

Should have been incredibly sweet. It WAS incredibly sweet. But my brain totally refuses to let me accept that.

He must just have thought he was obligated because of the holiday. He must have assumed I was expecting it since we've been dating for over 5 months now, and didn't want to disappoint me. He must have felt like he was doing his duty as a boyfriend. Right?

One of the things all of the therapists I've ever seen have told me, over and over, is that I disconnect myself from emotions, as a self-protective mechanism. Maybe they were right. I should be elated, but hearing the Big Three actually just makes me question things more than if he hadn't said them. Mind games totally taint even the best events. But if he was going to toss it out gratuitously, he wouldn't have waited almost 6 months, right? But again, maybe he felt like he'd avoided it long enough and needed to do it to make me happy for V's day. Chore, right? Could I sound ANY more angsty and middle-schoolish if I tried? :s

Dear Brain: why won't you ever let me have any fun?

Va-jay-jays Rock

So The Vagina Monologues was showing on campus last night, and I decided at the last minute to go to it. Match actually went with me, he was one of about 5 guys in the whole theater, what a brave soul...I thought it would be awkward, but it was actually ok, although I did try to tamp down my laughter at some of the raunchier or more man-bashing jokes.

I had actually seen the show before, they performed it on campus at my undergrad school a few years ago (I haven't worked out the way to distinguish these two eras of my life yet, I want to just say "in college" when I refer to undergrad, but that could be confusing because I'm still in college as a grad student, but it's not the same). The cool thing about the show is that Eve Ensler wrote a bunch of skits in her book, and each production takes some of them to perform, so it's a unique mix every time. And of course no two theater groups will do a given skit in the same way. Last night was about 50/50 with ones I'd already seen and new ones, but with live theater nothing is ever old.

Anyway, if you get the chance to go to a showing of this, DO. It's amazingly empowering. Brutally honest, but in a refreshing and insightful way. It is both hilarious and sobering. The shows this time of year are in honor of Vday, and the money goes to support domestic violence and rape prevention organizations.

This kind of thing is great for women everywhere, but I just wanted to mention it on here because I think that people recovering from EDs might be especially benefited, in some ways, from seeing it. It talks about sexual trauma, which, while not ubiquitous for ED sufferers, is a frequent factor. Also, I think that one of the things that makes recovering from an ED so difficult is just learning to trust and appreciate having a woman's body, learning to love and embrace and be damn proud of it. Don't get me wrong, I don't buy into the theory that all EDs are about keeping oneself in a prepubertal state to avoid sex. But even if you are a big fan of sex, developing a new body is strange for anyone, and it helps to be reminded of how awesome it is to be healthy and to take up space and have an empowered presence, both physical and emotional.

Also, if you can't get enough of Eve's amazing insights and the candidness of her interviewees, check out The Good Body, which is about body image issues that women face in our society and cultures around the globe.

You Rock

I owe more thanks than I can express to everyone for being so understanding and supportive with the comments on my last post. I really feel honored to have met you (mostly) ladies through the blogosphere. I'm always overwhelmed with the insights and wisdom, just wanted to remind y'all of how much it means to me and how much I value the stories that you share.

Today's therapy appointment was, needless to say, intense and draining. Way too much to think about this afternoon/evening. But I'm strapping on my Big Girl boots and looking forward.

Guilty

So I have been thinking about one of the reasons my car accident bothered me so much. Besides the fact, obviously, that I damaged my new car (estimate is $6500 and two weeks to repair) and rescrewed up my back, and could have damaged someone's kid (although HE hit ME).

The point of this blog is to be honest about my thoughts/experiences in recovery and finding myself, and this is a topic I haven't discussed before.I hope no one thinks less of me for saying this, and I'm not quite sure how to articulate it, so please bear with me.

But part of me almost feels cheated that I made it out.

How horrible is that? There are people with terrible illnesses and horrible lives that are fighting every day to cling on with some small spark of hope, and here I am lamenting the fact that I'm here and intact.

Confession: I have never made an attempt on my own life, but for a long time I wished I was brave enough to do it. The main things that prevented me from trying were 1) my mom, it would have destroyed her, and 2) fear of a not being successful. I wasn't afraid of dying, I was afraid of surviving an attempt and dealing with the repercussions afterwards.

Now please do not worry, I'm describing how I felt when I was at my sickest and most hopeless. I am NOT a danger to myself right now. I'm at the best place I have been in years. I'm just trying to be candid about what went through my mind in past times.

Things have gotten better, especially as I've moved through recovery. But I won't deny that even in recent months I have sometimes though about how much easier it would be to just quit, to just not be anymore. I don't believe in an afterlife, which doesn't bother me; many times I have thought that the quiet, peaceful nothingness has seemed like an ideal alternative to the stresses and anxieties of daily life.

Even when I didn't have plans/will/guts/motivation to do something to myself, sometimes I wished I would be "lucky" enough for something to happen to me. I'd hear about a plane crash, and immediately wish I had been on it. I'd hear about a car going off a bridge, and wish it had been mine. I'd hear about a random shooting or mugging, and wish it had happened to me instead. Surely the people it actually happened to didn't deserve it, so why couldn't it have been me, me who was wasting my life anyway and just wanted to take a f*ing rest? I was already dying: anorexia basically kills you a little bit every day. I guess I just wished something would happen to speed it up for me.

Now that I'm regaining more and more of my life, I have those thoughts less and less. I have more energy to be excited about my work. I'm in a relationship. My ties with my family are broader and deeper than ever. I have tons of things to look forward to, and I like the new me that I am uncovering, piece by piece.

But...

But I have to admit that some small, sad part of me was actually disappointed on Friday afternoon, when I saw the flash, heard the crunch, felt the impact, waited....then realized that I was OK, and had missed an opportunity to check out.

I think that's part of the emotional release I had a few hours later. Realization that I'd come close, but no cigar. Trying to process the fact that I hadn't really felt relieved when I realized I was OK. And even though I've come so far, grown so much, made so much progress, I still couldn't sort out whether I was glad or disappointed. Disgusted with myself for even thinking like that.

I may or may not leave this post up, because I know it makes me sound like a spoiled, overprivileged, unempathetic, short-sighted and self-centered brat that probably does deserve to have something horrible happen. Who am I to wish for an end when I am young, healthy, have a great family and amazing opportunities in front of me? What an ungrateful ingrate. I know that there are people suffering all over the world, people who would kill to have my resources and opportunities. I know there are people who have lost loved ones in car wrecks (I lost a dear friend to a crash in high school). I know there are many people who have felt helpless enough to actually take their lives, or who have tried and survived to lead meaningful, fulfilled lives afterwards. I think this last group is that which I really fear offending. I feel guilty to all of those people and everyone else for feeling this way, but it is what it is right now, and I really needed to just write it out and process it.

(Just wanted to note that I do NOT think people who attempt suicide are all of those things I called myself above. I guess it's one of those instances of judging ourselves differently than we judge others. And just to be clear, I IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM am advocating suicide as an escape route. Please don't misread me, because the exact opposite is true. Please, I can't emphasize that enough. If I had indeed taken my life back in those dark days, when I was sure nothing would ever get better, I would have missed out on so many people, places, experiences, and wonderful feelings. Please, if you feel like you're a danger to yourself, seek help at a resource like http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or http://suicidehotlines.com/, the Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-TALK.)

Chicken

Thanks for all the concern from the comments to my last post. My back is feeling about the same, I'm fairly certain it's just the muscles.

Mentally I thought I was OK, but I damn near had an anxiety attack yesterday when I picked up my rental car. I have NEVER had driving anxiety before, but I really just wanted to get off the road. It didn't help that I am used to driving a light SUV, and they gave me a tiny little car that feels like it's made of plastic; I'm not used to being that low to the ground.

Match and I had tickets to a concert on campus last night and planned to meet there to save time, since he was coming straight after work. I was so nervous about driving that tiny car in the dark on these roads (traffic in this city really is treacherous, I've hated it ever since I moved here) that he offered to leave work early to come pick me up instead. I was very glad. Plus, I couldn't afford the rental insurance on the car, so I want to minimize time on the road with it anyway. My regular car insurance covers it, but I'd owe another deductible, after already paying that amount on repairs for my own car. That is not possible right now.

I am going to have to get a grip sooner or later, though, might as well be sooner. I am used to being Miss Independent and I don't like this feeling. I'm going over to his place tonight for a Super Bowl party, declined the offer for chauffeur service.

ED-wise, same ole same ole. This week I am supposed to have 3 half-days of exercise. I did 2 on Thursday and Friday, plan to do the last one tomorrow. I am super body-conscious right now, and had zero appetite Friday and Saturday, but trucking along.

Accidental Lessons

Ok, sorry for the brief post earlier, did it on my phone while I was waiting at the car shop. Here is the short version of the story:

• I was actually having a great day until I headed home from campus around 12:30.
• It was raining, roads were wet.
• I stopped at a 4-way intersection, then made a left-hand turn.
• This black sports car came around a turn, barreled toward the intersection and went roaring down through. I couldn't get out of the way fast enough, so he caught my driver's side flank.
• I somehow ended up spun around 180 degrees, facing the way I had just come.
• My rear driver's-side door was crushed in and that wheel was at a funky angle.
• The entire front of the other guy's car was smashed in.
• By some miracle of physics, neither of us had a scratch. I bruised my knee on the steering wheel, and my back injury from December was re-aggravated (the muscles still seize up at the slightest shock), but it could have been much, much worse. The cold rainy weather and my near lethal dose of adrenaline were the worst physical stresses. One of the firemen actually left his sweatshirt with me when they left the scene because I was shivering so badly, teeth chattering and everything. Although that was probably just as much nerves as incipient hypothermia.
• Match was at work, and he doesn't get a cell signal in his office, so he couldn't come get me.
• I was unsure of who else to call. This was the worst part. I have made quite a few friends in the few months I've lived here, but no really close friends, and no one I wanted to bother to take time out of their day. I ended up calling my major professor, who is ultra-nice and always helpful.
• The other guy was just a high school kid, and his dad came out and yelled at everyone. That wasn't pleasant, but I understood he was scared that his son had such a close call.
• I got a citation for the accident, since he had the right of way on the road he was on (although I KNOW he had to be speeding, and I had followed the rules for stopping, signalling, looking, and he came around a turn speeding, but he did have the right of way on that road, technically). They told me that if I go to my court date and take documentation that my insurance is covering all costs, they'll dismiss the charge.
• They towed my poor car, we went to fill out paperwork at the shop, and my prof took me home.
• Car will be out of commission for 1.5-2 weeks.
• I realized I left all of my keys on the keyring I gave to the tower, so I had to get an extra from my landlord to get in the door, and can't check my mail.
• The kid's dad took him to the ER to get checked out. He claimed and appeared to be fine at the scene, and his air-bags didn't deploy, so I think this was just a precautionary measure, but still makes me nervous. I probably should have gone, because my back aches pretty badly, but I'm fairly certain it's just over-tense muscles from the jolt.

So that was the incident. I was amazingly composed and stoic until about 5:30, when I had this delayed stress reaction and just broke down. Glad it happened when I was safely alone in my apartment, at least.

So a few relevant observations:

• This happened when I was on my way home for lunch, hungry because I hadn't eaten since 8. This little diversion mean that I ended up not getting home until about 4:30 (appetite gone, needless to say, but I did force at least something down).

• So this was an excellent example of a time when it was good that I have more reserves than I used to, because if it had been back during the times when I was on such a razor-thin edge in terms of stamina and energy, it could have been much worse, both physically and mentally. A strong example to the last time I had an accident, about 4.5 years ago, which occurred around 6 pm when I hadn't eaten anything all day, and had to wait in the freezing rain for TWO HOURS for the police to get there. I was seriously afraid I was going to have a heart attack, I was having such bad palpitations.

• If I wasn't this far in weight restoration/recovery, my bones would be weaker and less cushioned, and I could have been seriously injured. I would have suffered much more in the cold after the accident. I would have had a harder time keeping a calm, clear mind while dealing with the police, irate father, insurance company, etc.

• Finally, yesterday and today were half-days in my exercise challenge, which was probably for the best, because it meant I wasn't so depleted while dealing with all of this. Verdict: driving fail but recovery win.

So, lessons learned, albeit by accident.

Not a Good Day

So I wrecked the shit out of my car today.

Go Cammy.

Glamour Be Gone

One thing C. and I discussed last week was that there is often some small part of us that missesat least some small part of the ED. Seems anathema to recovery to admit that, but it is what it is. After living with an ED for months, years, on and on, it's default. Analogy: Even if you live in a dysfunctional house, at least you know where you going to come home to at the end of the day. Same deal with the ED sometimes. Hindsight is supposed to be 20/20, but in reality we often sugar-coat things in retrospect. Memories of the pain fade, while other memories may be enhanced: the adrenaline highs, the manic intensity of a starving brain, the elation from disconnecting with the physical world, the simplicity of decisions when the answer to every want and need is a simple "no", with no need for debate.

All of these rosy-tinted reminiscences are amplified in comparison to the awkwardness and unfamiliarity that can be involved with recovery. The new body moves and looks differently than you're used to. Daily patterns are disrupted, routines uprooted, the lifestyle and very identity you've spent years refining have to be recast into something very different.

Historically, that is where I've balked. Gotten far enough to see the other side, but then chickened the hell out and gone crawling back into my hole, trading the known evil for the unknown opportunities. You can look at other ED sufferers and recognize unhealthy patterns, truly wish they could see that they deserve more, etc, but we are never more blind than when we look in the mirror.

So my main struggle this week is maintaining perspective. I don't feel natural in this body or this lifestyle yet, and I know I still have even farther to go before I can really say I'm healthy. I don't really know what I'll look or feel like when this whole process is complete. The only thing I do know, though, is that the alternative can't be an option anymore. I've been there, done that, redone it and redone it. It may be familiar, but I know, deep down, that familiar doesn't always mean safe or right. Also, I felt similarly uncomfortable at several past weight/behavior milestones over the preceding two years. I felt huge at the time, but now there is no way I'd go back to that weight even if I could, because I know it didn't look or feel as healthy as I do now.

I do not miss having to get up out of bed very slowly in the morning to avoid nearly passing out because my skinnyass heart can't pump blood to my head very well. Now, I marvel every day at how I can just stand up and meet the day. So simple, so trivial sounding, but damn if it doesn't feel good.

I do not miss reading the same paragraph over and over for 30 minutes without having any clue what it says, because my focus and concentration are shot to hell. Now I tear through several books a week and am back to being able to remember the info from my class notes after just one read-through.

I do not miss not being able to find any pants that don't look ridiculous on my scraggly bod. Now I can actually wear real clothes that complement my shape, and realize that having a shape is not a bad thing.

I do not miss the full-on anxiety attacks over small, insignificant issues or schedule disruptions. I'm still more "structured" than most people, but I can adapt my plans and am worlds more flexible than before. This has let me see and do SO many things I would have missed out on otherwise.

I do not miss the isolation, of passing all social opportunities so I could hang with my disease. I get together with either Match or friends a few times a week now, and can't believe all the years I spent hiding behind locked doors instead of enjoying real people.

I do not miss the tingly numb feeling in my fingers and constantly purple nailbeds. Cardiovascular system FAIL. Now my hands are no longer ice cold all the time, and I don't have to worry about nerve damage, etc.

I do not miss losing large locks of hair every time I showered. It got so, so thin and dull for a time, and I am just now up to the thickness/shine that I had pre-ED, and I LOVE it.

I do not miss having pictures from events or occasions that I can't show to anyone because I look so shitty and ill in them. I have hundreds of pics on Facebook, but they're very carefully selected from healthy times. I am traveling a lot and doing cool things these days, and I like to be able to share those experiences without worrying and/or triggering people.

I do not miss the ugly bruises on my back and hips from sitting in chairs. Newflash: banged up bodies are def unsexy.

I do not miss the repressed rage I felt, at how I could so easily be successful in school and work, get praise, get awards, make friends, make jokes, be a leader in organizations, be active in my church, be the Good Daughter, go through the innumerable motions of living all while I was killing myself one day at a time. I didn't want people to notice, I truly didn't, I wanted them to leave me to my own devices and would get uncharacteristically defensive and ugly at anyone who tried to intrude. But I had another feeling that was simultaneous and orthogonal to the intense guardedness: a deep, deep sense of alienation even when I wanted to be left alone, as though no one in the world would ever be able to reach me, so I might as well scoot farther and farther towards the edge.

Those were the "rewards" for hours and days and weeks and months and the years of life spent pouring energy into anorexia. Cost-benefit analysis is explicitly unbalanced, no?

Can someone please remind me of why the media glorifies being skeletal? Why dieting is supposed to be default mode if you have two X chromosomes and live in a developed country? I spent a long time telling myself that I can't want that back, but I am arriving at the point at which I truly don't want it back. Might seem like semantics, but it's a significant switch for me. Even on days like today, when I am way uncomfortable, I know that I won't be any more comfortable or happy with the alternative.

The only way out is through, right?

Sorry for the long post. Struggling a bit and I just really needed to remind myself of all of that today.

All in All

So, my mind has been a bit all over these past few days. I've been doing decently with the challenges, but I don't think it's going to be a Sticker Week. Trying so, so hard to tell myself that this is moving towards the life I'm supposed to have, that it's impossible to cling to all of these thoughts/behaviors/habits/etc if I want to be healthy. It's not that I want to go backwards, but forwards is still intimidating. It's just a lot sometimes.

Do you happen to hear a song on the radio or iPod queue, and think, Wow, that is my theme song today?

Well I did, and this was it. Couldn't find an actual video on YouTube, but this works.

"All In All"

Standing on top of the edge it feels like it's going down

Everything stays in my mind feeling in a daze on the ground

Feels like it's gonna give life's to hard to live anymore

I think I've had enough things too tough

I'm out the door

All in all it's just another day now

You're falling down

What you gonna do

Standing on top of the world tonight

No ones looking back at you

Stand tall

It's going on

It's going on

It's gonna be just fine

You're holding on

Holding on today

Things don't stop and the others announced they're moving on

Salt & tears in the minds in the mouths of a bad decision

Too late for another mistake it's bringing me down

With all your faults it isn't your fault

What's going on

All in all it's just another day now

You're falling down

What you gonna do

Standing on top of the world tonight

No ones looking back at you

Stand tall

It's going on

It's going on

It's gonna be just fine

You're holding on

Holding on today

So you lost yourself

So you lost your way

Found life through someone else

But you threw it all away

All in all it's just another day now

You're falling down

What you gonna do

Standing on top of the world tonight

No ones looking back at you

Stand tall

It's going on

It's going on

It's gonna be just fine

You're holding on

Holding on today

Times rolling on

Rolling on today

It's going on

Going on today