Pseudo-Semester Thoughts

This is not ED-related, but something on my mind anyway.

It feels SO strange not be starting classes this August! I've got a year hiatus from classes (still enrolled at my university) to collect data for my thesis, and it feels so.strange. My brothers are starting back to school, my friends, my cousins, my Match, even my momma, and it feels really alien to not be filling my planner with dates from each course syllabus, packing the coffee and notebook each early morning and heading out to be a student.

I'm kind of nostalgic about the whole thing. Yes, classes can be stressful, but I am really so intrigued and enamored of my field of study that I love them anyway, I cannot get enough of it.

Of course it's not that I'm not learning this year. I'm juggling preparing 2 manuscripts for publication right now and have a couple more coming up after that, managing data from my fieldwork and preparing for the next trip, setting up a side project to do in between visits to Tropical Field Site, doing some guest lectures for my adviser's undergrad classes, video-conferencing with my lab members once a week, etc etc...

I guess I feel kind of like a pseudo-student. In some ways, I know that classes are formalities. Considering my field and my fascination with it, I don't plan to ever STOP being a student, I plan to learn new things every day for as long as my cells are firing.

But it still feels odd that my backpack hasn't left its spot on the corner of my room since I first moved in here almost a month ago.

Daily Required Reading

I don't often do simple "go read this post" posts, but I REALLY encourage everyone to check out today's amazing offering by Katie at Health for the Whole Self: Body Metaphors. Must read of the day!

On the Upswing

I have been sticking to my plan of getting back on track, and finally worked myself up to 100% of mp yesterday and today. I am amazed at how unstressed and peaceful I've felt this week, it's actually rather odd and out of character for me. I'll take it, I guess!

My relative serenity is kind of odd since everyone in my house is in crisis right now. Mom just started law classes for the semester; Dad is having major uncertainties with job (he's not at risk of being fired, just unsure of whether he'll be moved to a different part of the country); Brother's girlfriend is in some kind of crisis, I know no details, but his moods reflect hers; Littlebro got dumped by his girlfriend last week, and during his mourning has been living on Dr. Pepper, bananas, and about 2 hours of sleep per night. And me? I'm trying to keep the peace, lay low, do chores for the 'rents while they're at school/work and try to be the cool, available You Can Talk to Me big sis. I don't mean to come of as blythe and unsympathetic, obviously it bothers me that these people are having trouble and I do indeed empathize strongly with each of them, but it's strange to me that there's nothing in my own immediate life (school, relationship, weight, etc) that is causing me anxiety right now.

I'm even (pretty much) ok with increasing the food again. I know the weight I got down to, as seductive as it made my reflection appear to me, wasn't acceptable for me. I know that I can be (and have been) heavier and that does not equal being fat. I know that I *feel* better when I'm treating myself better.

So after a few days of being more respectful to my body, I do definitely feel a difference, it's nice to be rid of head-swimminess and such. I still tire out faster than I'd like, but the hypoglycemic cloud feeling is gone. Also, I was having MAJOR anorexia-insomnia (restricting food really does induce hormones that keep you from sleeping, Google it), so sleep is starting to get better. I have to admit that the amount of food I'm eating on 100% of mp makes me physically uncomfortable. :s I really, really hate feeling bloated and overstuffed. But 1) that's one of the tough stuffs of recovery that's hard to avoid, and 2) I know that as I adjust, that effect will lessen.

I went rock climbing the other night, and oh.man. am I sore. I was also pretty bad at it, because my arm strength is nil, and that's a rather important component. Still, I think it was good for me to be in the rock gym surrounded by people who are focused on working out to be healthy, strong, agile and energized, though, instead of just being there to burn calories like at a traditional gym. I hope to start going regularly, I think building functional strength like that is a good goal as long as it doesn't increase my overall exercise time.

So, that's the status in a nutshell. One issue I'm having with co-habitating again is I am SUPER self conscious about other people being around when I'm making/eating meals. My family is so busy that most of the time I can do it without being under the microscope, but it's still hard. Also, Brother is a food-hoover and I have to specify with him if there is anything in the kitchen I do not want him to consume on one of his kitchen raids, which occur about every 22 minutes, according to my calculations. Fortunately he really is a good guy and is respectful if there's something I specifically bought and want to make sure is there when I plan to eat it.

To wrap up, there are always a few wrinkles, but overall I feel good about things right now.

Once Upon a Time Year Ago....

...I met this boy. He was nice, cute, funny, but little did I know when I wrote this simple post that it would lead to a long journey, one year and counting today, that would end up changing my life in so many ways. I've come to accept my body in new ways, break old habits, and allow someone to get through that arms-length barrier I maintain around myself by disordered default and actually connect with me on a deep level.

Somehow, that day a year ago, this poor fool bumbled into my world and decided not to leave, and he has learned everything there is to know about me, not only accepting but cherishing me along with my numerous flaws (see this post for his reaction when I told him about the ongoing ED issues).

I still haven't wrapped my brain around it. The world is a strange place, no?

Match Pow-Wow Recap and Moving Forward

I feel much more peaceful and calm after taking a few days away with Match. It's so nice for my mind to be a bit quieter, instead of constant crisis mode like it had been for weeks. We had a great time, I was kind of overwhelmed at how amazing it was to see him after 49 days (who counted?) apart. I was pampered and spoiled beyond belief, let me tell you. We also had some serious talks about Us. I wanted us to at least take a 1 month break, to kind of step back and get better perspective on our situation. Match didn't like that idea at all, thought it was pointless, etc...after about 2 hours of intermittently tearful pow-wowing, we sort of uncovered a lot of the root ideas, fears, and angles that were behind both of our thought processes on the issue. I think my main hang-ups were a subconscious wish to isolate myself, fear over him finding someone new and so wanting to dissociate pre-emptively to protect myself, and various other things that are hard to explain now. In a nutshell, we're still together (first anniversary on Tuesday) and I am really glad. I have no illusions that this is Forever, but for now I think it's a good thing.

I know it sounds like I totally got suckered in, the possibility of which has definitely crossed my mind, but I honestly don't think that's the case.

So enough of all that gooshy relationship stuff, SORRY! ED-wise, I was very unwise last week, and continued my slippage leading up to the trip. I can't explain why, no clue. While I was with him I did decently, especially considering I was away from exercise routines. Although I definitely had a few meals where I filled in calories I didn't want to eat with alcohol...I only drink on special occasions out, but am going to have to stay conscious of how much I am starting to like the buzz, considering my family history and my own predilection to forming habits. But anyway, I was NOT drunk all week, just for the record! Cammy stayed ladylike, I promise. ;)

So yesterday was Tomorrow, according to my goal of beating Tomorrow Syndrome and really starting to get back on track after the trip, instead of finding another reason to put it off.

And I think I did ok. Thanks so much for all the supportive comments, y'all are amazing. As far as behaviors, yesterday I had less food and more exercise than the baseline I know I need to return to (even that baseline is too much exercise, I know, but this is going to have to be stepwise for me), but it was a significant improvement over how I was treating myself a week ago, and I'm on track to continue the positive trend today. Trying to just think about it one day at a time right now, picking one part to do better than yesterday, then hang onto that and add a new improvement tomorrow, etc.

One last item, one of the concerns I expressed in an earlier post was that M would like me better thinner. He was seriously bent on buttering me up on this trip, so of course I got showered in compliments, but never based on my size (meaning it was things like "you look beautiful" not "you look thin and beautiful"). I had told him before that I'd dropped weight on my trip, so he knew to expect that. I refuse to use numbers or anything on here, but just so you have an idea, I'm at my lowest weight since before I graduated from college (before I met M) BUT am still much healthier than I was for the bulk of the time I was in college. This has not been a catastrophic relapse, just a very significant slip.

On the first night I just plain asked him if he'd have noticed the weight loss if I hadn't told him, and he obviously felt awkward and on the spot. I could tell he wanted very badly to not say the wrong thing. Finally he just said "I honestly don't know. I might have just thought I remembered you a bit wrong?" And then he thought for a while and added "But I think you overestimate how much I'll notice. When I see you I don't think 'She's thinner' or 'she's bigger', I think 'she's my Cammy' and that's all that matters."

We had a similar conversation on the phone last night, when I told him I was trying to get back on track with eating, etc but was going to be nervous if I'd put weight back on the next time I see him. Again, he assured me that it made no difference to him and he probably wouldn't even notice. I tend to believe him, because I gained a few pounds the first 9 months or so of our dating and he seemed genuinely surprised the first time I mentioned it to him.

I think one of my main issues, which is behind both the turmoil over the relationship and the ED slippage, is just that I'm incredibly uncomfortable dealing with the fact that someone could care about me unconditionally, intimately, knowing that my little toes are crooked and my hair cowlicks when I wake up and that I can't whistle very well and oh yeah I have an eating disorder and some serious issues with connecting with people. What the hell is wrong with this guy, and when will he snap out of it and drop me like a hot potato? Still not sure, but starting to move towards believing it's not too good to be true, as opposed to disconnecting from it to try to protect myself.

So this is getting long and rambly and I sank into more gooshy relationship stuff, apologies. In a nutshell, I feel like my head is in a MUCH better place this week, and I'm going to work hard to stay with it.

Resolution

I'm busy playing catch-up after taking a few days off to vacation with Match, so I'll have to save a full rehash of the week for later. The most pressing issue of the morning is that today I really want to start getting on track with my eating. I'm scared at how easy and natural this whole thing has felt, as far as slipping and reverting to old behaviors, proving to myself how austere I can be. At the same time, although it f*ing terrifies me, I will admit I haven't been sorry to see the pounds go away, and am trying to steel myself to see them come back.

Anyway, the act of posting about it makes me more likely to stay accountable, even though either way I am the only one enforcing any resolution on myself. I am going to try.

Less Weight on the Scale

So despite all the turmoil and backsliding with regards to food and working out, I realized this morning that at least one behavior has improved: weighing. I’ve never been one to obsessively weigh multiple times a day, but that ritual morning check-in with the scale and recording of weight in my little notebook was always of umpteenth importance to me for years. (Interestingly, I went through a period where I was very sick but never weighed myself, there have been various stages). Obviously I could not weigh myself every day when I was out in the jungle, though, and it seems to have broken that mental loop and just really don't care enough on most mornings to do the scale thing. Giving it less weight, and I won't lie, the pun is intended.

Now that I’m co-habitating with family again, I can’t keep my scale in the bathroom because it would be awkward/upsetting for various family members, I think, and despite my history I really do try to minimize stress on my family. My room has no hard surfaces on which to put a scale, so I can’t use it in there. I’m usually up before everyone else in the morning, so it’s easy to just carry it into the bathroom, but I really do seem to have just broken the habit. I’ve been back for 2 weeks now and have weighed myself 4-5 times, way less than the minimum 14 times I would have previously. And all but one of those times I forgot to write it down in The Notebook.

So there you go, something to break the streak of doom and gloom posts.

Leaving this afternoon to spend a few days with Match and try to get this damn thing worked out.

No matter what happens with M, I won’t see him again for over a month (he lives 10 -12 hours away), and I think right now is a good time for me to have a break from being physically with someone, because although in some ways it has definitely helped me to validate my healthier body over the past year, right now I think it’s probably just an added stressor to my out of whackness.

I know this still smacks of Tomorrow Syndrome, but I SWEAR that after this trip I’m going to get back on the wagon with eating.

Ok need to bounce, will catch up with y'all this weekend my loves.

Title? I give up.

So, the Match situation is hard to explain right now. I tried to break up with him and he's refusing to accept that, and somehow he always talks me down. He made the valid point that our last good-bye was way too rushed (it was, emergency in the airport and I literally had to sprintoff). So he's coming down next week and we're going to spend a few days together. I think he's seeing it as coming down to rescue the relationship and remind me of why we're good together, but in my mind it's kind of a last hurrah/wrap up/finalize this type situation. In a nutshell, I'm confused and don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Truthfully, he's my best friend right now, I think that's the main issue that's keeping me from doing what I know I need to. He knows me better than anyone. He's the only person I can talk to about my ED. He always knows what to say to make me smile, he is the most honest (in a tactful way) person I've ever met, his voice can calm me down like no other and mine seems to do the same for him, we have our inside jokes and text each other at the same moment randomly multiple times a day. Goddammit now I'm crying. Again. I bet this all sounds really selfish, too. It's not that I dislike him and want him out of my life, I just have this gut feeling that this is not It, as he claims, this little worm of dissatisfaction that has been building for quite a while. I wish I had a good reason, some excuse to be mad at him or dislike him, but I don't, he's actually a great boyfriend.

So, that's the update on that. Collecting myself, for the moment.

Food and exercise have deteriorated a bit since I've been back and I'm at the lowest weight I've been in over a year. I need to get a grip on this. I KNOW that. I can't get in this pattern, I'm too experienced and efficient at it to let myself. I have Tomorrow Syndrome right now, although Tomorrow is a stand in for various milestones in the future. I'll do better in the morning, I'll do better this weekend, I'll do better after the trip to see Match.

It will be the first time he's seen me since before my trip, and I'm worried he'll find me more attractive at a lower weight. But some wicked part of me almost hopes for it, to validate what I'm doing to myself.

On another note, a while back (2 years almost, damn) I posted a Rihanna song that really hit home with me regarding ED stuff. Recently I've also been struck by her chorus in the single she has out right now, "Love the Way You Lie." (Video at bottom). Actually if you're not mega-turned off by Eminem, the whole song can be seen as a sort of metaphor for an ED, as it's about an abusive/entrapping relationship. But anyway, I think the chorus sums it up well:

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I REALLY don't want this quote to come off as anything pro, I'm afraid it seems like a quote that would show up on one of those sites, because that's NOT how I want to frame it. Just trying to share that sometimes things like this strike a chord and I think it captures the ambiguity of relapse, being simultaneously afraid and seduced, drawn to something that can only end up poorly, as if a moth knew it would burn but can't break the trance of the flame.

Lonely People

"There are so many people out there that are lonely, Cammy, and you don't have to be one of them, so why are you working so hard to make it that way?"

~Match

Sawing with a Blunt Knife

Ending this relationship is like sawing at something with a blunt knife. M is so insistent that we can make it work, he dismisses or explains away every issue that I bring up. And apparently I am a sucker for Man Tears. Who knew. In reality the distance is only a convenient excuse to make a move that I would probably be doing anyway; I really do think I'm ready to move on. I'm trying to establish that, but I do care about him and am also trying to do it with minimal damage to him, which seems to be impossible at this point.

I also found out today that my university failed to arrange for my stipend payments for the following year, so I have close to a$1000 worth of bills being automatically drafted from my account on Monday and zero income for the month.

And my dad's job is downsizing and closing the location where he works. He's not being let go, but he will have to relocate right in the middle of the school year, a problem for 1) my brother, who will be a graduating senior in high school, 2) my mom, who is halfway through law school and can't transfer, and 3) last and least, but still me, who was planning to live here with them for the year while getting myself out of debt and am now not sure what I'll do if they move.

And my mom's dog is a tampon-munching trash can raider that left his unburied treasure in my brother's room today, neither of us will ever live that down.

Oh and I spent way too long at the gym and ate less than I knew I should have today. I don't know why. I know I shouldn't have but frankly, I don't give a damn.

I'm tired.

Joining Society Again

So, the first day of my first week of "I can do it myself without a therapist," I spent 2 hours wandering grocery stores looking for and failing to find anything I wanted to buy and 1 hour calling around to gyms about membership plans. And 30 minutes sweet-talking the desk guy at my chosen place to waive the $99 application fee. Skillz, my momma done trained me well.

I seriously have zero appetite. I just came out of a month with a very limited selection of very bland food, so I would have thought I'd be super excited about actually having options now (daily menu at field station was rice and eggs for breakfast, rice and beans for lunch, rice and canned tuna for dinner). But I seriously have no desire for any of it. I have, of course, been eating, but I find my utter lack of caring to be kind of interesting, because at one point I spent SO much time and mental energy obsessing over recipes and planning my food. It's made it super-easy to undercut cals, but I'm trying to get back on track with that now that I'm getting settled in with a bit of a routine.

I guess the whole appetite thing is likely stress-induced, major internal wrestling match going on right now over M. issues. And living with family again. And getting caught up on everything after being gone for a month.

And to be honest, after being in a developing country for a while, living around people who have so little, walking into a Target and seeing all the fancy extras and colorful opulence kind of ignites frustration with the world for me, rather than desire to buy a $6 box of granola.

Mutual Relief

C's reply to my e-mail telling her that I won't be seeing her anymore was prompt, to the point, and had a not very well veiled undertone of relief. Not that I wanted her to beg me to come back, of course. I think both of us were aware that it just wasn't working, but she didn't want to dump me.

Right now I'm trying to figure out the fate of another relationship, one that can't be resolved with a brief e-mail and an appointment cancellation, and I'm really bad at this.

Hola, remember me?

So, anyone remember me? Anyone? Bueller? Lol. Well, since I'm posting it is obvious that I survived my jungle experience. I had a great time in some ways, in other ways it could have been much better. My research itself went great, and I had some awesome wildlife sightings and experiences like that. The downside was that I let my hiking get to obsessive and my eating get too restrictive, and did lose weight while I was there, enough to get me in trouble when I got back. I have to admit that I didn't necessarily mind the loss, even though I know I didn't need it, but I do really resent how dragged out and just crappy feeling I let myself get the last week or two there, I love fieldwork so much that any self-inflicted taint on it makes me super-frustrated with myself. It's funny because I can tell a little bit from comparing pictures at the beginning and end of trip, but wouldn't have guessed the number just from that. Probably because I'm fairly bundled up in a lot of the pics. Of course I knew exactly where a pharmacy with a scale was in the city we flew into in Developing Country to check right when I got there and right when I left. :/ I had some tummy trouble the first day, a flu-type thing a couple days in the middle, and REALLY annoying breakthrough bleeding the whole time I was there, probably from skipping my BC placebo week too many months in a row. I've only been back for one paragraph and already y'all have TMI!

Tons to catch up on, but right now I've just got the energy for a few bullet-points:

-I'll be going back to the field periodically for the next year, and in between times I'm living with my family (so I'm not paying rent on a place that's empty for 1/3-1/2 of the year). This is/willbe a HUGE adjustment, especially since I get majorly stressed about food when I'm sharing a kitchen and feel under the microscope by my mom...but we'll see. It's worth saving over $1000 in bills every month.

-Officially terminated treatment with C and D.

-I've got major boy issues right now, in a nutshell I want to end one relationship because it's long distance (among other, more significant reasons) at the same time I'm being tempted by another relationship that involves the same distance. Oy.

-I miss my dog! The wonderful Tiptoe has been taking care of him all month, so this weekend I get to both see her and retrieve him!

-Knees have improved, they held up much better than expected during my trip.

-Have been detoxing from caffeine and I feel like CRAP. Withdrawal stinks.

-I missed y'all! I had over 400 new blog posts just in the ED folder on my Google Reader page when I got back to the US, so it will take me a few days but I'm trying my best to get caught up!

<3