My relative serenity is kind of odd since everyone in my house is in crisis right now. Mom just started law classes for the semester; Dad is having major uncertainties with job (he's not at risk of being fired, just unsure of whether he'll be moved to a different part of the country); Brother's girlfriend is in some kind of crisis, I know no details, but his moods reflect hers; Littlebro got dumped by his girlfriend last week, and during his mourning has been living on Dr. Pepper, bananas, and about 2 hours of sleep per night. And me? I'm trying to keep the peace, lay low, do chores for the 'rents while they're at school/work and try to be the cool, available You Can Talk to Me big sis. I don't mean to come of as blythe and unsympathetic, obviously it bothers me that these people are having trouble and I do indeed empathize strongly with each of them, but it's strange to me that there's nothing in my own immediate life (school, relationship, weight, etc) that is causing me anxiety right now.
I'm even (pretty much) ok with increasing the food again. I know the weight I got down to, as seductive as it made my reflection appear to me, wasn't acceptable for me. I know that I can be (and have been) heavier and that does not equal being fat. I know that I *feel* better when I'm treating myself better.
So after a few days of being more respectful to my body, I do definitely feel a difference, it's nice to be rid of head-swimminess and such. I still tire out faster than I'd like, but the hypoglycemic cloud feeling is gone. Also, I was having MAJOR anorexia-insomnia (restricting food really does induce hormones that keep you from sleeping, Google it), so sleep is starting to get better. I have to admit that the amount of food I'm eating on 100% of mp makes me physically uncomfortable. :s I really, really hate feeling bloated and overstuffed. But 1) that's one of the tough stuffs of recovery that's hard to avoid, and 2) I know that as I adjust, that effect will lessen.
I went rock climbing the other night, and oh.man. am I sore. I was also pretty bad at it, because my arm strength is nil, and that's a rather important component. Still, I think it was good for me to be in the rock gym surrounded by people who are focused on working out to be healthy, strong, agile and energized, though, instead of just being there to burn calories like at a traditional gym. I hope to start going regularly, I think building functional strength like that is a good goal as long as it doesn't increase my overall exercise time.
So, that's the status in a nutshell. One issue I'm having with co-habitating again is I am SUPER self conscious about other people being around when I'm making/eating meals. My family is so busy that most of the time I can do it without being under the microscope, but it's still hard. Also, Brother is a food-hoover and I have to specify with him if there is anything in the kitchen I do not want him to consume on one of his kitchen raids, which occur about every 22 minutes, according to my calculations. Fortunately he really is a good guy and is respectful if there's something I specifically bought and want to make sure is there when I plan to eat it.
To wrap up, there are always a few wrinkles, but overall I feel good about things right now.
9 comments:
GIRLFRIEND:
You ROCK. Don't question your moments of contentment, just enjoy them. they are, unfortunately a rarity during the recovery process.
have a pleasant evening beautiful! :)
Glad you're feeling peaceful and getting back on track. I know it feels uncomfortable to get back to a good meal plan, but it's temporary. I feel SO GOOD since bumping up my calories. I haven't had this much energy in a long time, and I am sleeping better too. Keep at it :) Enjoy the tranquility, and good luck with the household crisis situations!
I am SO proud of you for realizing the truth that gaining weight for your health and happiness does NOT equal "fat." I know feeling full and bloated is uncomfortable, but I'm glad that you're reaping other benefits like better sleep, more energy, and an improved mood. The peace at the end of this journey will be more than worth the temporary struggle! You are an amazing, inspiring girl, and you deserve all the wonderful things that life has to offer. Remember that the ed can never provide those good things---so focus on your goals, try to get past the distractions, and enjoy your life!
I have huge problems with other people being in the room when I'm preparing food, and I hate it when my parents or sister ate something that I bought-- yes, I want it to be there when I plan to it! I don't quite eat by intuition yet and I need to have things around when I'm planning to eat them.
Glad to hear you are back on track. Yeah for rock climbing! I know you've been wanting to do that for awhile. I hope it keeps a good incentive for you to stay on track. There is a rock climbing place about 40 or so minutes from me that I want to try sometime when I have the actual time.
Though I know it concerns of your fam's problems, but glad that you are not affecting you negatively.
Oh yeah ,and definitely agree about restricting and the sleep problems. I was always flying high and thought I could just live without sleep. Somehow, that didn't quite work the way my starved brain thought. ;-)
Yayyy! This post made me so happy to read! I am so glad to hear that you've worked up to 100% of your MP and that all is good in the hood! Even though it seems like your family members have a little stress on their plates, don't you go looking for anything to stress over ;) It seems like you know the ropes of it all- and that physical uncomfortable feeling with eating a full MP does go away as long as you keep at it. Hope you have a relaxing and wonderful evening!
sounds like you're really adjusting to living with your family. that's great.
also great that you're back on your mp. i know it's hard to feel discomfort when eating more -- i'm going thru that myself. but i do enjoy feeling clearheaded and not dizzy!! definitely sleeping better too.
i, too, am trying to relax and enjoy the good days. it's so great to have them!!!! hope you have many more
Feeling physically exhausted but not being able to sleep is one thing that totally pissed me off when I was restricting. I was always told it was "nervous" energy as my body was in survival mode, and once I bumped things up, the sleep came back.
Yay! So glad to hear you're taking such positive steps. It stinks to start back up and deal with the discomfort, but it will pass, as you know. Just remember that every day you stick with it is a day you're closer to getting rid of that crap.
So great to hear you are getting back on track! When that happens to me I definitely almost immediately feel stronger, more open and friendly, and more confident. It's a really weird cycle, because why would I ever want to go back? But I guess that's why it's an ED! What I really wanted to say is...I totally get the eating with other people thing. I'm in college and had to eat with 40 teammates at a dining hall the other night, and it was a very anxious evening to say the least. Keep going on the right track!!
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