Road Forward

Ok, I am jumping on the bandwagon to review my 2009. I have had some MAJOR life changes, and it has definitely been a milestone year in many ways. Although there have no doubt been rocky times, I feel like overall I have been/am moving in a positive direction. The road through recovery is paved with obstacles, no doubt, but I am doing my best to make sure it's a one-way street. I'll be a total sheep and make a Top 10 list for significant events that occurred over the past 12 months [Edit: OK, I tried to keep it to 10, but there were some things I couldn't not include, so you get two bonus ones]:

In 2009, I....

1. Graduated from college.

2. Moved to a new city to start graduate school. The adjustment has been pretty difficult, not to graduate school per say, I'm doing well academically/professionally and love my research, but I definitely do not like my new city/community as well as my undergrad school/city. But I have a great adviser, and getting the first semester of classes out of the way so I can start focusing more on my research is a help. I feel like things are looking up.

3. Left my beloved therapist of almost 2 years and started seeing someone new.

4. Lost 2 pets (cat and snake, I was actually more attached to the latter).

5. Fumbled around with a sort of almost kind of relationship over the summer, it did not work out but I definitely learned from it.

6. Got rid of my treadmill. I did major damage to my knees with obsessive running, although I hope I can get to a physical and mental point in recovery where I can take running up again, responsibly this time.

6. Learned that my dad will be deployed to Afghanistan in 2010, and that my middle/high school boyfriend was going to Iraq (he is there right now).

7. Continued to improve my relationship with my brothers. They are 14 and 16, and the older one especially has his challenging moments, but this Christmas went amazingly well. I am incredibly proud of them and am glad we are at a point where we are able to communicate about important issues and enjoy each other so much. I know they don't read this, but just in spirit, I heart you, baby bros, and I will always be your big sis no matter how tall you grow (they are now at 6'4" and 5'11"!)

8. Met a great guy in my new city this fall and am in a real relationship for the first time in about 4 years. I had some doubts about "us" at first, but that was my disordered side playing mind games, and I am SO thankful now that I overcame that and did not let it ruin this for me. He is smart, sweet, funny, and supportive. Things are progressing very nicely and I feel incredibly lucky to have him.

9. Gained weight in a continual glacial movement towards my mandated "goal", made progress with loosening up on eating and exercise routines.

10. Became a godmother and fell madly in love with this sweet, incredible, perfect, brand-new little human.

11. Aged out of my parents' medical insurance policy,

was denied by 3 companies due to my ED history, finally found someone to take me, although they are charging criminal rates and do not cover mental health services (funny, anorexia is important enough to cause me to be denied but not important enough to be treated?). Health premiums ironically left me unable to afford therapy, but my new therapist went to bat for me and got me a super-reduced rate, which is awesome.

12. Started fieldwork in an amazing new country; with which I am totally in love and plan to move someday when I am retired and either a) rich enough to move to a tropical nation or b) so poor I have to move to developing nation. Tomato, tomahto, either works and either way, I win. ;)

Happy 2010 everyone! I cannot express how much your comments and support have meant to me over the past 18 or so months of this blog, and I can truly say that I would not be in the same place if it were not for both your feedback and the inspiration I get from reading about your own journeys. If you are a reader but tend not to comment, I hope that I get the chance to "meet" you and learn more about you in the coming year.

Much love,

Cammy

Relatively Intact

So, X-ray results are in, it looks like I am relatively intact. They were afraid that I had might have some hairline compression fractures in my cervical verts, but the good news is that my back is NOT broken. Woot for an intact spine. The bad news is that I apparently do have a hairline fracture in my wrist (thank you, Jiffy Pop bones) and some compressed disks, which were the cause of my chest pain in some weird anatomical way that I haven't tried to map out.

The other bad news: the X-rays show that I apparently already have signs of osteoarthritis in my upper back. Thanks, anorexia, I hate you too.

I was severely admonished for traveling back from another hemisphere, going through the holidays, and making another long car drive/luggage hauling expedition before being seen. Now I am not supposed to be doing any lifting/carrying for a week or two, although in practicality this would be difficult to adhere to in full. And I am prohibited from traveling, which means my upcoming cross-country trip is off. Thank goodness I paid extra for the refundable plane ticket, or I would be out over $600. I am bummed because I was going to 1) a big conference, 2) check out a school that I am interested in for my PhD program, 3) visit with family members I have not seen in literally over two decades. So frustrating that a fall that took less than a second can mess up so many plans.

I have a wrist splint, which apparently only came in Cat Puke color.

Match assured me it is Ultra Hott, but methinks that after two weeks of being apart he is probably attention-starved enough to be slightly delusional about these things, much to my advantage.

More later.

OK, I Cave

I am posting this from my phone in the waiting room of the doctor's office, I finally decided to cave in and come in to get looked at. I kept telling myself it was just soreness that would go away if I ignored it, but that is not happening, apparently. I drove home from my parents' house (about 5 hours) yesterday and really aggravated my wrist dragging all my luggage, etc up to my second floor apartment. Then I was freaking brilliant and decided I just needed to get the muscles warm/stretched out so I proceeded to do my cardio DVD for the first time since before my research trip. I have had a lot of painful workouts during my tenure as an obsessive exerciser, I used to have to routinely throw away workout clothes because of bloodstains. But dear god, last night was bad. Why didn't I stop? If I could answer questions like that, my world would be a fundamentally different place, wouldn't it? Plus I had had one of those days where it randomly seemed like a good idea to halve my calories. I told myself I was trying Intuitive Eating, I truly was only hungry for X, but honestly it was an easy excuse to restrict.

Anyway, I await the doctor, expecting to just be given a referral for an X-ray and sent somewhere else, we'll see. I am going to another conference on the opposite side of the country on Sunday, I don't have time to be hurt!

Holiday Wrap-Up

Well, I made it through. Heading home tomorrow. Chest is feeling a little better, although still painful. Hoping it is just a muscle thing that will go away in time, but will still probably call my doc tomorrow.

Major fatish feeling from lack of exercise, and sort of restricted yesterday, definitely today. Have munched on Christmas cookies, etc, though, which I never would have done in the past, but used them as substitutes for other typical foods (ie having a cookie for breakfast instead of toast) so that hasn't been a source of increased calories overall. I have definitely noticed that even when I'm slipping a little, my behaviors and overall experience are so much better than in previous years. I have most definitely had anxiety over the exercise stuff, but I have been surprised because it has been less intense than I would have expected. Holidays are still rocky, but are getting better and better all the time.

My brothers were in a really rocky stage last Christmas, and it was extremely tense at times. This year has been worlds better, I thoroughly enjoyed them both. My mom is my best friend, and I've had a great time with her, as always. My dad worships the ground that my mom and I walk on, and is never ashamed to show it. I am so thankful for my family. One of my top favorite things about recovery is being able to relax and spend more time enjoying them.

Interestingly, my family seems to have changed how they act around the ED issues too. In previous years, my parents made a big deal about always sitting with me when I ate, insisting it was to keep me company, not to keep an eye on me. This year it seems to be the opposite, they have left me alone and not made an effort to be in the same room at meal times. I have to wonder if it's because they worry less about it now that I'm "big enough" (they have always had a hard time grasping that external recovery may or may not reflect internal status), but whether that is true or not, I'm sort of just relieved to be left to my own devices. They have very casual eating patterns, so it's normal for someone to have something when others don't, which makes it less stressful for me to make my own meals, in some ways, although a little more stressful in others. I love my family dearly and have enjoyed them over Christmas, but I'll be glad to be in my own space again soon.

Did the post-Christmas sales with my mom yesterday. I love our "Girls' Day Out" sessions, but trying on clothes is such a huge trigger for me, and I felt pretty glum by the end of the day, it definitely contributed to my lack of appetite today.

Ok, getting up for a long drive tomorrow so I better go. Overall, successful holiday. Could have handled some things better, but looking back over the years, the trend is positive.

Owie

So I am thinking maybe this chest injury is not going to just go away on its own. Hard to tell if it's getting worse, but definitely not improving. I tried lying flat on my back on the floor earlier, and the pain was literally breath-taking, I was honestly not sure if I was going to be able to get back up. It feels like the muscles/ligaments that attach to my sternum. I'll be back to my own town on Monday, hopefully my doc can get me in for an X-ray or something.

I am headed out for another big trip in a little over a week, I don't need this right now!

Jingle Bells, Anxiety Hells (?)

I am not quite sure how I feel about things right now. Like I mentioned earlier, my dear friend J. is having Christmas with my family this year. I thought that would be helpful, because I tend to regress majorly with the ED stuff when I stay at my family's house, but now I really can't tell if it is making things better or worse.

1) He is timid about asking for food or eating too much in a house that is not his, so I feel like I am always the one initiating food events, which makes me self-conscious.

2) My family has absolutely no structure to their eating. They nibble and graze and snack and just eat whatever and whenever strikes their fancy. We will have one formal sit-down meal for Christmas today, but that's it. Basically, they are all intuitive eaters to the max, but that makes it really difficult for me because now that I'm out of fieldwork mode and back to domestication, I am having a hard time with "shoulds" when it comes to food, and the continuous stream of munching from everyone around me makes me question whether I'm really hungry or just want food because someone else has it.

3) Exercise, exercise, exercise. Having J. here makes me feel very guilty if I sneak away to my room for even 15 minutes. So yesterday I had almost no "formal" exercise, although we walked the dogs (he has his here along with G. and my parents' dog) for miles and miles, and then ran errands at a couple of stores, did some cooking/decorating, and other things that kept us on our feet.In this case, J's presence is probably good for resisting ED but bad for my anxiety.

4) I also managed to fall down and hurt myself the last day on the trial. I have a light sprain in my wrist and this weird thing with the tendons that connect my ribs to my sternum. I didn't know you COULD sprain them, but apparently I have and it is the most annoying thing ever, for a few days it even hurt to draw in deep breaths. Now it just hurts if I bend backwards, bend forwards, move my arms laterally, or reach across, up, down, or twist my torso around. This is making me move a little bit like an old lady, despite gobbling double doses of Aleve several times a day. Technically I have workouts I know that I COULD do if I really tried.

MAJOR ANXIETY AND FATISHNESS FEELING. But only sometimes. Other times I am amazed at how calm I feel about the situation. Like now. I woke up early to work out, but I'm sore and tired and fired up the internet instead of playing the cardio DVD on my laptop. And I think I'll be ok. But then I have short bursts of panic/guilt over it. Argh.

I've sort of compensated with food, but did have cookies, wine, cheese, etc last night in a Christmas Eve splurge. I am not sure how I feel about that. J. is leaving tomorrow morning, and then I'll feel more free, and I keep telling myself that taking just a few days off is not going to change my weight that much. And honestly, I was down a few pounds when I got back from my trip (separate post on that at some point in the near future), so I know that it's not the end of the world even if I did gain some.

Ok, just needed to vent that out. By the way, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! I am trying super hard to push the ED thoughts away and enjoy the holiday with loved ones, and I hope you are too, you deserve it, my lovely friends! Your support and watching you fight for your own recoveries are the best gifts I could have asked for this year.

Back! Did you forget me yet?

Hey all, I have returned, just in time for Navidad! This will be a quick post, I am majorly sleep deprived from traveling. But overall trip was FANTASTIC. Eating was a little rocky the first few days, but once I got into the swing of things I did a great job of listening to my body and relaxing about calorie counts. The country I visited was way more amazing than I ever expected, I truly did not want to leave. Back down in a few months and I can't wait!

It wasn't the best exercise in reducing exercise, because the work was pretty substantial and I know I pushed myself more than necessary. But I did break patterns (no workouts before breakfast or after dinner). And I broke tons of food "rules" and patterns. I am always amazed at how well my appetite regulates itself (according to activity level) when I actually give it a chance. I am hoping I can carry some of that intuitiveness over to "real life" now that I'm home. A real challenge will be keeping that up now that I am at my parent's house for the holidays and am not hiking for hours and hours every day.

I really cannot remember the last time I was so happy for so many days in a row as I have been for the last 10 days. I love love love my research and this new country that I have "discovered", and it is so nice to have something that blows the ED out of the water in terms of priorities.

I"ll update soon, but for those that won't be around much over the next few days, I hope everyone has a great Christmas, be safe in your travels and treat yourselves for the holiday, you deserve it!

Adios, mis amores!

I hope this works, posting from my phone. I'm boarding my plane in a few minutes and just wanted to thank everyone for the encouragement and incredible support. I wish you all knew how much you've helped to keep me motivated and moving in the right direction. I hope your holiday season goes well, please take care and treat yourselves kindly, I will be thinking of you! <3

Big Deep Breath

Ok, down to the wire for this trip. I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to go to another state, stay the night with another researcher, then we fly out the next morning for our trip. I'm currently having the same old Pre-Travel Anxiety Flood that I have come to expect and accept. I know it will dissipate as soon as I'm on the road (for some reason it's not the travel that stresses me, it's the preparation and anxiety over forgetting something, etc), so I'm just riding it out.

I really, really need to do well on this trip. I don't talk about many details of my work, but I think that it's sufficient to say that this basically represents what I have been dreaming of ever since I was a little girl. Going to these kinds of places, learning about this kind of thing, being that person out there having adventures, it's all I've ever wanted. I've worked on similar projects before, but always as an assistant, this is the first time it is 100% "my" project. And I am thrilled beyond words.

And I have to keep the ED out of my f*ing way while I do it. This is where I am able to see the line between "should" and "need." It's not that I just know I should do this for myself, it's that I know that I need to, for the sake of my research, my co-workers, and myself. Of course it's not that that line doesn't always exist, one always "needs" to take good care of themself, but with the ED it's easy to see that as an optional "should" and just file recovery away on the To-Do list to tackle sometime in the indefinite future.

I need to do well physically, because it's going to be very physically demanding. Hard work in hard environment. I need to do well mentally, because I love this stuff and I want to enjoy it, be able to focus on what I'm doing, and have fun with the people I'm working with.

I am a little stressed about food already, because the site will have a cook making food for everyone, no options or chances to choose meals. Plus the offerings are pretty much rice at every meal, including breakfast. I loves me some carbs, don't get me wrong (I need this shirt), but rice and pasta are things I have a hard time with if I'm not the one to prepare it. I get worried about what they "snuck" in there. Also, I have a hard time because it's not served in discrete units. You can't say I ate a rice, or two rices, like you can with pieces of bread, tortillas, etc, it's just "how big of a blob did I just have, where do I stop? Difficult when my hunger/satiety signals are still out of whack, and also a major challenge to my tendency to measure things meticulously. I know you can eyeball portions, and I'm good at that, but it still, lack of absolute precision makes me anxious. So, big opportunity to challenge those aspects of the ED, or at least that's how I'm trying to look at it. I'm taking a generous stash of granola bars, protein bars, oatmeal, etc etc to have as alternatives, although I am limited due to weight constraints for my luggage, with all the equipment I'm also taking down.

The whole thing reminds reminds me of part of the song "Sympathy" by the Goo-Goo Dolls (video here, specific lines bolded below), which has always been one of my favorites from my recovery soundtrack. (Someone remind me, when I'm back, to post an updated version of that playlist, I have close to 40 songs now). I have a lot of regrets from events that I have missed out on, trips I haven't taken, experiences I turned down, people I kept myself distanced from, all for the sake of this disorder. And I cannot let life slip past me anymore, I've worked too hard to get this far--academically and professionally--to then just let the disorder ride my back the whole time and ruin everything.

So, big deep breath.

"Sympathy"

Stranger than your sympathy

This is my apology

I'm killing myself from the inside out

And all my fears have pushed you out

I wish for things that I don't need

All I wanted

And what I chase won't set me free

All I wanted

And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees

Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah

Everything's all wrong yeah

Where the hell did I think I was?

Stranger than your sympathy

I take these things so I don't feel

I'm killing myself from the inside out

Now my head's been filled with doubt

It's hard to lead the life you choose

All I wanted

When all your luck's run out on you

All I wanted

You can't see when all your dreams are coming true

Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah

You choke on the regrets yeah

Who the hell did I think I was

Stranger than your sympathy

All these thoughts you stole from me

I'm not sure where I belong

Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong

And I wasn't all the things

I tried to make believe I was

And I wouldn't be the one to kneel

Before the dreams I wanted

And all the talk and all the lies

Were all the empty things disguised as me

Body Blahs

Major, major body discomfort for the past few days. I feel like I am turning into a gelatinous lipid-filled balloon. Most of this is focused on my stomach, I am so ultra-paranoid about my belly. I know fat isn't supposed to be a "feeling", but I can damn well feel it when I bend over and I feel gut hanging over my belt. I have always thought that the "no fat feeling" was pretty much a semantic issue; there is a difference between "feeling" as in emotions and "feeling" as in sensations.

Logically, I know my weight hasn't been higher this week, according to the scale (I have done less than stellar w/the less frequent weighings that I promised C at my last session). Eating and exercise have been same ole same ole. Well, even less eating yesterday. And today.

But I am leaving for a big trip at the end of the week and *know* that I need my body to be strong for it, so I'm also frustrated and resentful that I really don't have the option of cutting back much right now. The last thing I need to do before going to stay in primitive tropical conditions is to weaken my muscles, immune system, etc.

Methinks I need to talk to C. about how being more physical with Match may be making me more self-conscious about my body. I don't think that is the reason I've had a rough time with body image this week, but it is an area that can be affected when I'm already struggling.

Weight Gain and Image Insecurity, Part 2: Identity Crisis

I was a little nervous writing my last post on image issues associated with weight gain; I was very afraid as coming off as shallow. No, looks are not everything to me, or even very much at all, but it's one of those sniggly little things that ED does to try to throw a wrench in the gears of recovery. I had some great responses to the post, though, and wanted to do a follow up post with some more thoughts on the issue.

I think that one thing that is important for people who may not have experienced an ED to remember is that weight gain can really make your body look/feel foreign for a while, until your brain has a chance to start recognizing the "new you." (See the lowdown on body image vs body schema here). I think that many of my failed stabs at recovery have resulted from putting on a little weight, then freaking the hell out and relapsing because I just did not give myself enough time to adjust to how my "new body" felt.

In that same vein, if someone has been dealing with an ED for years, or even decades, and especially if their ED started in early adolescence, it is entirely possible that someone may not know/remember what they really look like as a healthy adult.

That is one thing I definitely struggle with. When I look at pictures of myself taken over the last year or so, I still sort of do a double-take, because it really does not look like the me that I have seen in the mirror for so many years. It's not a drastic change, mind you, but my face has filled out enough for me to notice.

And if it doesn't look like me, who does it look like?

My biological father, that's who. And that, honestly, pisses me off in ways that I cannot articulate. About 99% of the pictures that I have of him are from when he was exactly the age that I am now (he was 22 when I was born and 24 when we finally left him). And seriously, if you photoshopped together pictures of us both at age 23, we could pass as twins (although I have to admit it's slightly interesting to see what I would have looked like if my second X chromosome had lost a leg). I don't recall exactly how much I have discussed him on this blog, but he is Not a Good Guy, and I prefer to have as little association with him as possible. I have always had his eyes and nose, but now that my face is also starting to show the same overall shape as his, I hate it more and more. Every time I glance at a photo or see myself in the mirror and see "his" face, I really just want to rip the image to shreds.

But even if I didn't bear such a close resemblance to someone for whom I have such negative associations, it is just plain strange to look at a photo of yourself and think "Damn, that is NOT what I am supposed to look like." Friends and family may think you look great, look beautiful, look healthy, but in your mind it is just alien, and more a little unnerving.

I had a friend in college with an ED, and almost all of her pictures on Facebook are from healthier times, when she was at a higher weight than I have ever seen her in real life. Truly, she was so gorgeous when she was healthier. I always wished I could make her see that, how perfect she looked when she was healthy, and how all the energy she was putting into the disease was making her neither healthy nor happy nor beautiful nor safe. What is the payoff supposed to be, again?

One last anecdote, because this is getting long: when I first started gaining weight, just feeling my body move differently was a very strange experience. Now, my body just feels like my body, for the most part, and I'm not as hyperconscious of every wiggling and different sensation as it moves. I do not want to be as thin as I was 2 years ago. My body didn't "feel thin" back then, it just felt sick. But in the beginning, just temporarily but long enough to be scary, it may truly feel like your own flesh is someone else's clothing you put on by mistake. So combine this sensory confusion with the emotional turmoil about giving up a lifestyle that--however disordered--is all you've had to cling to for months, years, decades, and it's little wonder that people go through slippages and relapses on the path to true health.

Recovery is hard work, damnit.

It's ok to admit that, as long as you realize that at least this hard work pays off, whereas an ED is hard work too, but it's work that is robbing you all the while.

I've gotten off topic, I think, so to bring back continuity at the end:

1) Beauty goes beyond your physical appearance (see title of this blog)

2) You are most beautiful when you are most healthy. This applies to many aspects of beauty that are more than skin deep. It takes a while to see that, but don't lose patience with yourself.

Intuitive Eating and Disorder Analogy

I had a sessions with both C. and my dietitian (ok, new character in my alphabet soup, dietitian is "D") yesterday. These back-to-back sessions are most time efficient for me, in terms of scheduling, but it definitely gives me a shit-ton to think about all at once. Especially since both of them seem to be putting considerable effort into challenging me and shaking my brain around to dislodge ingrained ED thoughts.

It's interesting, because C. and D. are not always precisely on the same page, especially when it comes to intuitive eating. (I don't mean to say they contradict each other, but their approaches are sometimes different). C. thinks I'm definitely not ready for it right now (I tend to agree), but D. thinks it would be a good idea for me to at least give it a shot on a trial basis.

I am pretty self-conscious about the volume of food that I eat in a day. I am eating about a normal amount for someone my age/height (although not scaled up for my X hours of exercise), and it makes me physically uncomfortable to consume that much, even though my meal plan has been the same for about a year now. I know that if I were freelancing it and just eating what it took to satisfy me, my calorie intake would plummet. I told D. that much, and she came up with a good analogy, to basically point out that being free with eating doesn't entitle you to freefall.

She used the example of a sleep disorder. If I had severe insomnia or some other sleep pathology, I'd be working with a doctor and/or therapist to establish certain routines and strategies to encourage normal sleeping patterns. Sleep is not one of those things that you normally measure and track right down to the second, in the way that we often micromanage calories. But say I have a sleep disorder, it is 4 AM and I have to get up for class the next morning, but I am wide awake. Just because I'm not tired, does that mean it's ok for me to say "screw it, I'm just staying up, my body must be some miracle of nature that defies the laws of physics and physiology and runs on an indefinite sleep deficit"? No. It's my responsibility as a participant in my treatment to recognize what a healthy decision would be an implement the strategies my doctor had recommended to at least try to sleep.

So, directly translate that to ED. If it is late afternoon and I have only had X calories in a day, despite exercising, working in lab, etc, and yet I'm still not all that hungry, is it ok for me to say "well I'm not hungry, so my body doesn't need the food. Look, I'm eating intuitively!"? Nope. Just like an insomniac with a scrambled sleep cycle, my body is still learning how to sort out its signals. So intuitive eating does indeed involve listening to your body, but also staying aware of your needs and not letting them slip through the cracks while you're still regaining equilibrium.

I was glad she addressed the issue like that, because that is a trap that I can easily see myself falling into. Actually I don't have to imagine it, that's the trap I DO fall into very often when I travel (ie, the conference I went to last month). I can't weigh/measure/calculate everything that goes into my mouth when I'm on the road, but if I try to just eat what I "want" I end up in serious deficit.

I'm still not quite reading to switch into IE mode at home, but starting next week, I'm going to be making one international and two domestic trips within the space of one month. I'm really trying to get a handle on this before I hit the road and leap way out of my comfort zone. So I'm sort of going to be doing my own version of a '30 Days' episode with trying to listen to my body and not let myself slip. Part of that time will be in an equatorial environment at a semi-high altitude, both of which are huge appetite-killers for me, so I'm really going to try to keep in mind what D. said about listening to your body but not being afraid to talk back to it as well.

Christmas Cheer

Just a quick post on my way out the door to lab: J. is going to come have Christmas with my family this year! His family lives overseas, so he is always orphaned on holidays. I tend to have a ton of ED anxiety when I stay with my family, so hopefully a fringe benefit to this visit will be that it will provide distraction from that. Beyond that, though, I am just happy I'll get to spend some time with him. So, good news!

I have a ton of posts floating around in my head, but I am preparing for my trip to Research Country next week and life is crazy right now. Plan to do a follow up to my last post soon.

Weight Gain and Image Insecurity

I think I have discussed this before, but one of my major mindblocks to gaining weight is that being thin is a compensation for not feeling pretty. I have always been really self-conscious about my looks, and I think that very early on, I adopted the mindset that "If I can't be pretty, at least I will be thin."

Of course this backfires, because starvation is gruesome rather than gorgeous. An ED will put your body through hell, and your looks reflect that. Still, it's amazingly hard to shake the mantra that being thin means being pretty, at whatever cost. Or that gaining weight will automatically make you unattractive, even if the weight was greatly needed for health.

Thus, as I've restored weight, I have had a very hard time, because it's like giving up whatever band-aid I had put on my image insecurity. I'm still trying to figure out ways to remedy this for myself. I know that outfits look cuter when the clothing actually fits you, rather than hanging off. I know that visible veins are not attractive. I know that thinning hair is not too sexy.

But still, when I'm getting ready to meet new people, go on a date, etc etc, I get nervous about how I look and immediately I feel as though I've gained 10 pounds overnight. Or vice versa: if I can tell that I've gained weight, I conclude everything else about me is ugly too. I can't control the shape of my nose or the texture of my hair or anything else, but the weight I can change at will, so that's what I focus on, I suppose.

I think that it's not too uncommon, even for non-eating disordered people, to have absorbed the message that thin = beauty, or is at least a decent substitute. It's funny how we let one serve as a proxy for the other.

In addition, I think it is one of those ideas that we are much quicker to apply yp oursleves than to others around us. I can think of many ads with superthin models that I really do not think have pretty faces, I would never have picked them out on the street as model material. And vice versa, I have seen/met many overweight women that I thought were beautiful. People are people, basically, in all shapes and forms.

Of course, one obvious remedy is to remember that external image is only a small part of who we are. Weighing X or Y does not diminish other talents or attributes. Having Jennifer Aniston's hair will not automatically make you witty, charming, or otherwise successful. There are many other things that count for way more. At least that is what I'm trying to remember when I walk out the door every morning.

I am afraid, reading back over this post, that I've come across as really shallow. Just for the record, it is NOT that I think beauty is of utmost importance. It is really irrelevant to most skills and talents. But feeling good about yourself is undeniably nice also, is my point. Maybe not necessary, but definitely a nice luxury. And the second point is that using ED behaviors to compensate for anxiety about other aspects of appearance--real or imagined--is not a trivial issue. I'm supposed to be identifying "recovery obstacles" as homework for therapy, and this was one that popped into mind. What are your thoughts/experiences with this issue, any specific strategies that have worked for you?

Stressful Week, Awesome Day

This is an hellaciously stressful week (three papers, final exam, three presentations, grant application, etc all due), but today was actually an exceptionally good day. I just was feeling so positive and excited that I wanted to share, since y'all put up with so much of my whining and venting about bad days.

--Had a final exam with a super unfair professor, but I felt like I did well with all the questions. No idea how he will grade it, but I did absolutely as well as I could have, and didn't feel like anything caught me off guard. And am now DONE with that class!!!

--After a chilly weekend, it was sunny and 72 degrees. Maybe this seems trivial, but my mood is hugely affected by weather, especially during the winter when days are so short.

--Got to teach my adviser's -ology class for him. I taught at my undergrad university, but it was labs with short (15 minutish) intro lectures that had the material already outlined. This was a full 50 minute lecture that I had to do from scratch. It ate up most of my time over Thanksgiving break, but I think it went really well!!! The class was responsive and engaged, and my professor was complimentary and said he wants to make a habit of using me from now on.

I really, really love how I feel when I am teaching. It's like for that class period, just temporarily, I become the person that I really want to be. I'm very passionate about my area of research, and I want to make other people to see why it's so worthwhile, so I really try to convey its awesomeness to the fullest extent that I can. It's hard to explain, but it really puts me on Cloud 9, and I love interacting with students. Granted, at this stage they're only a couple of years younger than me, but that doesn't really intimidate me, and I'm very comfortable with public speaking.

So, good news, I am feeling very happy this evening, enough of an outlier on the Cammy Mood-o-meter that I thought it warranted a mention. Still lots of things left to do and stress over, but that's part of this time of semester. ED-wise I have actually done very poorly today, but I am hoping that the mood-boosters I got will help me get a better grip on that for the rest of the week.

Also, I now have a "Cammy" account on Twitter, so e-mail or add me if you're on there as well!

Give and Receive

First of all, I hope everyone had a fantabulous Thanksgiving! Again, this blog community was definitely on my list of things to be thankful for this year.

Yesterday felt like a big victory for me, I actually did Thanksgiving way better than I expected. Definitely the best one I have had...since I can remember, really.

I actually spent a large part of the day just working. I'm unbelievably swamped in end-of-semester-hellacraziness right now (3 papers, 3 presentations, a grant deadline and a huge exam all concentrated into Monday and Tuesday of next week). So I didn't make the 5 hour drive home to spend the holiday with my family. Match invited me to come on the 1 hour trip with him to eat with his family, my professor invited me to his house with some other guests, and a group of other grad students were having a get-together, so there were various options. I chose to go to the grad student one, because 1) it wasn't until 6, giving me the day to work, 2) it was closest, minimizing time on the road, 3) I am trying not to fall into the trap of letting Match be my entire social net in my new town.

So, fairly average day, normal breakfast and lunch. The one non-victory was that did not do my exercise-cutting goals, I was too busy thinking about my work and the upcoming evening to feel like spending mental energy on dealing with that. But exercise did not INCREASE from baseline to "make up" for calories I had not eaten yet (and probably would not eat at all, in the end), as I have done on innumerable holidays in the past.

I wasn't nervous at all until about an hour before I had to leave, when the usual panic about leaving comfort of evening routine set in. It wasn't so much anxiety over going to the Thanksgiving dinner, it was anxiety about not staying home. Does that make sense? In other words, not doing normal routine is more prominent in the stressage than actually going to the party. I'm not shy, I'm just pathologically attached to routines. I'm not worried that I'm going to overeat--if there is anything I am confident in, it is my ability to limit calories when I want to. It's not that I'm worried about not knowing what food would be available, because I knew ahead of time who was bringing what to the dinner (we had sign-ups).

But stepping out of the normal comfort zone and breaking routine is like being a deer in the path of semi-truck headlights, for reasons I still really don't understand.

And I had just suffered through trying on outfits I haven't worn since last holiday season, to find that a few favorites are just a smidge too snug now. GREAT. In a nutshell, major stress. Huge temptation to just back out. Wondering why I even try to be a real human doing real human things.

But I just rode it out. I had another session with my new dietitian (who I like more and more with every visit) last week, and we talked about just taking it for granted that my anxiety would shoot up in situations like this, but that it will indeed come down. She emphasized that using ED behaviors to deal with stress is really not appeasing the anxiety, it's appeasing the ED, which lets the disease win.

So I called my grandparents to chat while driving over to the friend's house, to distract myself and remind myself of more important things than ED urges.

I got there at 6, turkey was supposed to be ready at 7. I was still fully considering just picking at food, then leaving by around 8 to get home and have a latish but not devastatingly off-track dinner of my normal type. But there were delays in getting everything on the table, and we didn't even start eating til 7:45. My anxiety rose and rose until I finally realized it wasn't going to be feasible to leave early without seeming weird, and I just resigned myself to the fact that yes, now, you are going to do this and eat here. Now figure out what you'll eat and deal with it.

And then I was calm. I tried a little bit of a bunch of dishes and had decent portions of the main things. It is so rare for me to be in a situation where I don't know the calorie counts of foods, but I'm good at ballparking and was comfortable with what I hate. I did not restrict. I was full but not stuffed. I had no guilt afterwards. I met new people and had a good time talking, joking, etc without being distracted with worry about the food.

I was, dare I even suggest it, normal for a couple of hours? Gasp.

I ended up staying til around 9:30. Then, to cap off the novelty of the night, I called Match to see if he was home from his family's house, and if he was up for company. Note: Cammy does NOT do spontaneity. I cannot emphasize this enough. I am the least spur-of-the-moment person you will ever find. But I wanted to see Match, knew I was going to be busy for the next few days, and was already out and about and dressed nicely. So why not? So I went over to his place for a couple of hours, and had a great time.

I am not trying to toot my own horn here, but I was immeasurably proud of myself. Sitting in that house with the huge holiday meal, surrounded by other people, I ate what I wanted, felt fine about it, and enjoyed myself. It was a huge confidence-booster for me. Usually I am a spectacular failure at every opportunity to rise to a challenge and prove to myself that I can shed the ED, even temporarily. But last night I beat the hell out of the challenge.

And thus, on a day set aside for giving thanks, I also received hope.

On the Bandwagon

So, I am the 298347th person to do this, but I have been thinking quite a bit about what I have to be thankful for, and felt it would be helpful to write it out. I spend so many days just wrapped up in day-to-day stresses and pressures (many of which are self-created), and I know I don't look at the big picture frequently enough.

So, without further adieu, and in no particular order:

• I am thankful that my grandparents were healthy enough to make it to my graduation in May. They are two of the most important people to me, hands down. My mom and I lived with them for a few years after we ran away from my biological dad, and so we've always had a special bond. I have no idea who I would be if it had not been for their support, love, and wisdom throughout my life.

• I am thankful that my mom started back to law school this fall. She put that dream on hold for 15 years, so that she could put my dad's career first and invest more time in us kids, and I'm glad she is doing this for herself now.

• I am thankful that I have a boyfriend that accepts me for who I am, "issues" included, and treats me incredibly well. We seem to be on the same page about our pacing, etc, and I'm extremely comfortable with him. I am thankful that he makes me laugh so many times a day. I am thankful that, for some reason I cannot fathom, he seems to care about me a lot, and while I don't understand it at all, it's nice. :)

• I am thankful that my bone density has improved over the last 18 months.

• I am thankful for my friend J. I haven't mentioned him much on here lately, I don't think. We live about 7 hours apart now, but are in touch via text/email/FB daily. He has been the most amazing source of support while I have gotten settled in here, I truly don't deserve a friend like him.

• I'm thankful that I have found a therapist that is willing to go to bat for me. I am thankful that she knows that I need pushed, and isn't shy about doing it

• I am thankful that my Dad has a stable job.

• I am thankful for my dog, who could not be a better fit for me if I'd ordered him out of a catalog. Woot for pound puppies!

• I am thankful for my major professor, who is a great mentor and is putting considerable time, money, and effort into helping me get my thesis project up and running.

• I am thankful that I live in a country in which I am able to pursue an education and career of my choosing.

• I am thankful for white-chocolate coconut peanut butter, and coffee, and cinnamon raisin bread.

• I am thankful for my ultra-warm down jacket, that keeps me comfortable even on frosty mornings walking G.

• I am thankful that my baby brothers are growing into such fine young men.

• I am thankful for the treefrogs that live on my front porch, and never fail to make me smile.

• I am thankful that I am the most physically healthy that I have been in years, and that my brain and body seem to be able to forgive me for the years of abuse. Slowly but surely. Still have a road ahead, but trying to learn from each mistake.

• I am thankful for all of the people I have met through this blog, you are such an incredible group of people, I cannot express how much your comments mean to me, and how much I value reading your blogs as well. I am so thankful that this little blog community is so healthy and supportive, I have no idea what this recovery endeavor of mine would have been like without you all.

• I am thankful that I am thankful. I hope this makes sense: I don't think I was ungrateful for things before, but for so many years, holidays were just a time of increased stress and anxiety, and I rarely took time to reflect on the meaning of the whole thing. I'm thankful that there is less of that noise in my mind now, so I can really appreciate the many positive aspects of my life. It's good to be reminded of what I'm fighting for.

Please take care, treat yourselves kindly tomorrow and every day. Happy Thanksgiving.

Update on the Quest for Therapy Coverage

So, I had a rough appointment with C. today. Rough in a raw beneficial kind of way, this lady is kicking my ass in a way that, deep down, I wish someone had done years ago. It is stressing me a good deal, making me think a lot, pushing me in a direction I know I *should* be moving. I have some major exercise challenges to try to accomplish this week, and am really unsure of how this will go. I told her that after the slippage at the conference last week, I'm starting to lose confidence that I will ever really be free of this. Her response: "That's odd. Because I'm actually gaining confidence in you each week." I don't know WHAT Cammy she is seeing, but I wish I could peer through her lenses once in a while. More on that stuff later.

The most important part of today's session: C. talked to Powers That Be at the clinic, and she convinced them that from now on I will only need to pay $20 per session! I am so happy! This means I can afford to pay for it on my own. My parents are super-strapped for money right now, so not having to ask them for something I know they can't afford is a huge relief. Awesome early Christmas present!

RecoverED Therapist

I always tend to assume that most professionals that treat EDs have some personal connection to the issue, whether they themselves experienced an eating disorder or were close to someone who did. I typically try to be careful about not stereotyping people or jumping to conclusions, but I will admit that this is one thing I usually just take for granted.

The new ED clinic that I have been going to (outpatient) in my new city is staffed entirely by women, most of them who look to be in their mid-30's or younger. So I will admit, I do tend to wonder about their histories. It honestly does not bother me, I would never think that someone wasn't qualified to treat EDs because of their own struggles (quite the opposite, actually). And I would expect and hope they are responsible enough--for the sake of themselves and others--to make sure they are stable and and are not going to be negatively affected by interacting with ED clients. So, no question of competency.

Still, I am incurably curious, it is an irrepressible part of my nature. So about 3 weeks ago, when C. and I were having a difficult session and I felt like I was having a hard time communicating what I was feeling, for some reason I just felt like seeing if I could push through that wall with her. So I just asked, simply, "Have you ever had an eating disorder?"

She didn't even hesitate. "I sure have."

Then she told me just a little bit about her history (nothing explicit, just basic X number of years, X years since recovery). I don't even know if she was anorexic or bulimic, I didn't ask; it didn't seem relevant.

For some reason, though, it immediately made me more comfortable with her. It takes quite a while for me to break down the walls I build and really connect with people, but I think this helped. Now remember, I had pretty much assumed she had at least some ED history all along. But for some reason the fact that she was willing to be candid with me made me feel much more connected.

Interestingly, she said her last recovery was 8 years ago, while she was in grad school, which means our EDness (I totally made that term up but hope you get what I mean) actually overlapped a bit, which is strange to think about. Although I would have been 15 and she would have been 26, so much different circumstances at the time.

I know that some people might think that knowing personal information about a therapist could be negative, could inspire competitive thoughts, etc. And in some cases, maybe it would. But somehow it made me almost instantly feel more comfortable being open with her. Also, it seemed to open another door in terms of the advice and insights she could offer, because now occasionally she will share something that she did/thought etc during her own recovery. Of course we don't talk all about her, and it's not brought up even once a session, but it seems like a good combination of me being more open to her suggestions and her being freer to talk about some insights, since she's not shielding her history anymore.

Also, I think it helps to have a positive role model. I have known people in Real Life with EDs, both in and out of recovery, and I have read/seen about fully recovered people (Jenni Schaefer, etc) in books/online/tv. But I have never really interacted with someone that was fully recovered before. I think sometimes one of my problems is not being able to envision what recovered life is like, and losing faith that it is actually possible. C. is so full of life, successful, happy, has a new baby and great husband, and basically represents many of the things the ED is holding me back from. It has definitely given me a lot to think about.

So, that being said, what are your thoughts/experiences with this? Have you ever talked to a therapist about their ED history? Ever had a bad experience with someone that was trying to treat patients while still struggling themselves? Anything else to say about it? I'm very interested in your comments.

Yet Another Post-Travel Lamentation

I know I have a lot to say about this past week, but I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts right now. In some ways the conference was great (professionally, intellectually, etc, very exciting). As far as behaving like a normal person with eating/exercise, not so much. I think maybe this experience has been an eye-opener for me on things I really do still need to work on.

Good: After the first day, my anxiety was much less, which was good because I could actually focus on the material, etc. Bad: The shadow to that, however, is the reason my anxiety was less. I basically fell into a "comfortable" pattern of restricting. I managed to get about half my normal exercise time in (fortunately my roommate went out every evening, giving me time to myself at the hotel), but overcompensated with calorie-cutting, and once I was in that mode I seemed to settle down. It was like once I proved to myself that "yes, you can indeed restrict, this is easy for you and you won't gain weight," I was much better. I know that is NOT healthy in any way, shape, or form and of course am not advocating starvation as a method to control anxiety. It sucks, makes you disconnected, ruins the point of trying to do fun things, etc. Please don't see this as a pro-post, because any ostensible "benefits" are definitely short term. Smoking cigarettes eases anxiety too, after all. I guess I'm just processing through why I seem to slip back into it so easily. Obviously, if it did not "work" for me in some way, however disordered and counterproductive in the long run, I would not have been stuck in this cycle for 10 years now.

I had my first appointment with a new dietitian last week, so this week I was supposed to be keeping a food log. I guess I am a little strange, because I count calories obsessively but focus on a budget for each meal, not so much on the entire day. And I count some fruits but not others. All of which goes to show that it does tend to be more about control and the ritual than anything else, in some ways. So anywho, because I eat the same cals for each meal each day it is simple arithmetic to get a daily total, but for some reason I rarely think about that. That background leads up to this: when I was doing some frenzied calculations to see what I had to do to "make up" for the missed exercise, I realized that if I subtract my calories expended every day from my total intake, what is left is lower than my BMR. That is not healthy. And, frankly, it took me by surprise. I eat roughly the recommended amount for someone my age and height, so I tell myself I'm doing well, but that recommendation doesn't take extra exercise into account. I already knew my BMR, I can recite the formula from memory and do the math in my head. And of course I know how many cals I burn in exercise each day, I measure my workouts by expenditure rather than time/distance. But I had never really put two and two together (or, I guess, taken two from two).

Anyway, after four days of that mess, I am utterly drained and have had massive headache all day today. This is not functional, and I cannot afford not to be functional. More on this later. I am trying to treat this week as yet another instance of learning things the hard way, so I can do better next time. How many times have I told myself that?

I really wish I had some kind of "therapy on demand" service. We need an App for that! I really needed to talk to C. this week. The thing is, she has told me repeatedly that I can call/e-mail her if I ever need to, but I really am just afraid of seeming clingy and needy, so I never take her up on it. Especially now that my treatment options are up in the air, I don't want to risk becoming dependent on something like that if I'm going to have to stop seeing her next month.

I'm sorry this is not such an uplifting post, I'll try to have something more substantial soon.

EDIT

Ok I was worried the mention of subBMR intake could be triggering. I only leave it in to illustrate that even if you exercise like a maniac, an ED will lower your metabolism substantially until you quit the behaviors. Obviously if I was below my actual BMR all the time I wouldn't have been able to gain weight over the last year, although it does explain why I'm still underweight despite being at the highest cal intake I've had for a very long time. The take-home is that the standard BMR calculation (which is meant to be the energy it takes just for basic organ function and existence, no activity, not even digestion) is based on a normal healthy person, and an ED will change your system to alter your baseline, although it is indeed reversible. In a nutshell: it is not OK or healthy to have an intake below your standard BMR, even if your actual current BMR is lower due to restriction/exercise/being underweight. Unless, I suppose, you are some special case with doctor approval, but I can't conjure a feasible example of that off the top of my head. And really those calculations are just ballparks, you could very well have higher needs than what the standard formula will give you, every body is unique. Ok this disclaimer is going to be longer than the actual post if I don't cut off the rambling here.

Unfortunate Equation

Undercutting calories + anxiety + barista that failed to decaf my venti Americano = heart palps + insomnia = long night ahead

At least caffeine highs do tend to lift my mood a little (better living through chemistry), which creates an interesting hybrid feeling of crappy + cheerful.

Conference FAIL

I am having a megahard time at the conference. My trip yesterday was pretty eventful (threat of blizzard, bag left behind at layover airport, nightmare in getting transportation to hotel from airport, et), but I handled all of those things fairly easily. It's amazing how the internal bullshit I create is so much more powerful than real-world challenges sometimes.

I was so incredibly uncomfortable and distracted all day, because I had guilt over just sitting on my ass in the seminar sessions for hours and hours.

Normally I have minimal trouble getting in exercise when I travel, because I find somewhere to walk, hit the fitness room, and do stuff in my own room. Here, it is too cold and in not quite a nice part of downtown (I'm not staying at the conference center, to 'spensive) to walk outside. Fitness room is a joke, the only functional equipment is a treadmill so shaky I'm afraid to put it over 4 mph. And I have a roommate, so no-go on the room workouts. Had lunch with a friend from my old town today (she is also here for the conference), and eating with people that know about my ED makes me feel really under the microscope.

I know I cut enough cals today to compensate, but I still feel disgusting. I actually had time to go down and do a session on the shaky treadmill, but physically didn't feel up to it because eating has been limited. So since I skipped that, I feel even grosser, even though I know it's not logical. This anxiety is making me wish I had just stayed home. This has cost me a ton of money, and almost a week of productivity at a hectic time of semester, and all I'm doing is worrying about my weight. I could have done that at home.

My prof wants updates, and I'm good at being upbeat and playing up the positive aspects of everything in public, while internally I am just so frustrated and un-solid.

I have been doing decently at home, but when I am out of my comfort zone it's like I totally freeze, I feel like I fail at every attempt to function like a real person.

Rant, vent, whine, sorry. Trying to soldier on tomorrow, but the schedule is going to consume even more of my time, leaving even less chance for exercise, and I'm already dreading it.

EDIT

And my roommate just came into the hotel room with some guy she picked up, and let him leave his stuff here while they go drinking. I am too old for this.... :s

Closet Gauntlet

Packing for conference in Wintery City means pulling out clothing I haven't worn for 6+ months.

My weight hasn't changed much, but I still feel like I'm steeling myself for a gauntlet here. Possibly because I always get a huge wave of anxiety and just generalized "the world is falling"ness right before a trip. I also have a particularly bad record with managing ED stuff when I'm at conferences. Sometimes I do shitty during the conference, other times I hold out and do decently, only to way over-compensate afterwards. I am trying VERY hard to be aware of that propensity and not repeat the cycle next week.

I will have a roommate at the conference, which is unusual for me. But this time I just couldn't afford the luxury of hermitage. This could work for or against me: it will prevent me from spending all night exercising in my room. But there is a fitness center at the hotel. On the other hand, it will also make me more self-conscious about eating in the room, because my normal pattern is to pack along what I can. But that could be a benefit if it means I am more likely to go out to eat with my roomie, like a (gasp) normal person.

So basically, how it plays out is up to me.

Anyway, all of that to get to the point that this stress over the clothing is just the easiest way to manifest the anxiety I usually have over leaving my comfort zone.

On to face the closet.

New Dietitian

So, I have never had a super-great experience with a dietitian. I was forced to see one as a young teenager, and even if I had NOT been in complete denial and closed off to therapy (which I was), this person had never done EDs before and had no clue where to start. H. had one that worked with her practice, and I saw her a couple of times, and liked her approach, but in retrospect I didn't feel like I got much out of it because she seemed to treat my case as just generic ED instead of delving into specific disordered habits (although see a funny story about her here). I have spent the last ten years obsessed with food and nutrition, and have solid training in biology, so I felt like I was just being hammered with a lot of numbers and facts that were not news to me. I smiled, nodded, paid my $75 and went on with business as usual. I hate to convey a bad attitude, but that is the honest truth.

My needs are much different from 'classic' anorexia cases right now, because I actually eat a fairly normal amount of calories for someone my age and height. The superexcessive exercise makes my nutritional demands different, and getting proper nutrition while in the process of curbing those behaviors is what I really need to work on. The reason I only saw the dietitian from H's practice twice was because she really didn't seem interested in the exercise stuff, and did little more than add up exchanges for me.

But, I am really trying to be open-minded, and so I agreed to see the dietician at the ED clinic here. I went, albeit with trepidation, bracing myself for another lecture on exchanges and a session that amounted to just menu-mapping.

I was actually surprised at how it turned out, in a positive way. This dietitian seems to be much more focused on the relationship with the food than the food itself. This could be because at this point, although underweight, I'm not all that critical, so because there's no need for her to feel like she's doing a life-saving nutritional intervention, we can afford to get philosophical about things. She did ask me to outline a day of eating for her, but she seemed to focus more on the big picture and what is driving my patterns, rather than whacking me with disapproval for only getting X carbs per day.

I had worked with my new therapist (does she have a letter yet? I lose track. Let's call her C.). I had worked with C. to make a list of known bad habits that I have regarding food, although I don't really want to discuss them in detail here. So I brought those up during today's dietitian session, and she seemed really interested in what I was *thinking* that led to the behaviors, instead of just mapping out a plan for what I need to change. Not that I have anything against plans, but I am a "challenging patient" (or so I have been told by every professional I've ever seen) and don't have the best history of actually following them.

I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job of describing why I liked her. It was not that I felt she was letting me "get away" with any bad habits, I hope I am not sending that impression. I guess I just liked the fact that she recognized that I did not need a lecture on protein portion sizes, but I do need to change how I *feel* about consuming enough to meet my needs. I am the healthiest I've been in years, but am still fundamentally lacking balance. I try not to discuss behaviors and such, but even though I am eating enough to maintain right now, the composition and temporal distribution of my daily intake is really not optimal, and it's going to take a lot of work to kill those ingrained rituals, they feel so default at this point.

We talked about intuitive eating and tossing any diet behaviors, but right now my hunger/satiety factors are still extremely screwy. I basically measure what I 'should' eat, consume it til it's gone, and wait for the next appointed time to eat. I don't have reliable empty/full cues. The main goals we set were centered around bringing back some balance to normalize that. She understood that if I tried "intuitive eating" right now I would crash in terms of weight, because my appetite is nowhere near robust enough for the amount of food that I need just to maintain. Often the only way I know I am hungry is when I start to feel light-headed, not from any actual hunger pains. And even when I'm light-headed from not eating for X hours, my appetite is pretty blah. So, obviously that is something that needs some attention, and she was very encouraging without overwhelming me.

So, a positive experience, but it brings a frustrating conundrum. I had planned to see this dietitian once, maybe do a follow-up. But now I really like her. She thinks I need weekly sessions, or at the least bi-weekly, but that would effectively double the therapy bill that I already cannot pay. Such is life.

(EDIT: I don't mean to be down on traditional, "menu-mapping" dietitian sessions. Those are really helpful and necessary at many stages of recovery, I just get frustrated when the treatment doesn't go beyond that. Just wanted to make it clear; I was afraid it might come across that I thought meal plans were unnecessary or something to that effect).

The Best Laid Plans...Maybe Not Always Best?

So . . . I went over to Match's place this evening FULLY intent on breaking up with him, entirely convinced and not at all questioning my decision. No bad feelings, kind of as a preemptive self-protection, I think.

But then when I actually saw him, I didn't want to.

? ? ?

So I didn't.

I guess maybe this just represented a challenge to my black-and-white thinking. He is a very nice guy that treats me well and that I enjoy being around him, so I guess I will let it be what it is and enjoy whatever happens, right?

Tough Tuesday

So, I just finished a phone call with mi madre about the health insurance/therapy issue, in which we both ended up in tears.

And I want to break up with Match, and sense that he is sensing something off also, but I lack the energy to figure out the best way to go about it.

And I am just incredibly down and lonely and hopeless today. Not lonely for Match, if I liked him enough for it to really hurt me, then I wouldn't be breaking up with him, would I? Truly, I feel ok about calling off the relationship, I'm not just being stoic about that. Maybe I'm lonely because I don't feel that way about him, maybe lonely because I have no one else here, maybe I'm lonely because really I am no one else to anyone here.

Everything wrong with me is of my own doing, so why can't I undo it?

Good News Means Hard Decision

Good news: My latest health insurance application has been approved.

Bad news: My premium is over $100 more than the price I was originally quoted, and even the previous base price was more than I can really afford.

Hard decision: There is no way I can afford both this and therapy. My plan doesn't cover any behavioral health services until I meet the deductible, and even then it only covers half. My sessions are $70/week, or about $300 a month. There is no possible way to squeeze enough money for both out of my budget every month, I am a f*ing graduate student, for crying out loud. Being an academic-in-training at a university may carry some degree of prestige at times, but it is a state of poverty nonetheless. Even after I hit the deductible and am only paying half as much for therapy (which would take about 14 therapy visits, 4ish months), I would still be paying $150 per month on top of my $350 premium, which is simply not feasible.

I can't go without health coverage. Even healthy people get in car wrecks, get surprise cancers, etc. I will be doing a lot of traveling over the next year, including pretty intense work in a developing country, which will put me at higher risk for disease/injury.

My mom just quit her job to go back to law school, meaning they lost quite a bit of income while taking on huge expenses for her tuition and books. They help me as much as they can, but right now they're really strained also.

So....we'll see, I guess.

We Can Be Hobbits

(Background: Match and I had lunch plans tomorrow, but he had something come up that conflicted.)

Match: Sorry for the last minute change, we can just push lunch back to 3:30 or 4?

Cammy: Does it still count as lunch if the little old ladies at the next table are ordering supper at the same time?

Match: Well, we can be hobbits? Second Lunch. I do it all the time, except when it conflicts with my Pre-Dinner.

One of the things I appreciate about him is that he acts completely normal about food even though he's aware of my ED. I hate it when I feel like people constantly walk on eggshells about it. He never makes an issue of it, although he lets me call the shots if I'm not comfortable with what he suggests. Anywho, this exchange made me smile and I wanted to share. In this case, we decided to do breakfast instead, which is actually way less anxiety-inducing for me anyway.

Just a note to follow up my last post too. I was afraid I came across as naive when I mentioned the whole "spark" business. I guess I am just comparing this relationship to both my high school boyfriend (full on teen infatuation) and the little whatever I had with....I can't even remember what letter pseudonym I assigned him....earlier this year, which was pretty much infatuation without the excuse of being teenagers. With Match, I have a lot of comfortable but none of the infatuation. Which is why I'm confused about whether this should be a friends situation, or if this is actually healthier.

Who knows. But Tolkien references do make me smile. ;)

Motions vs Emotions

So I have been thinking about the Match thing. I like him, I do. But I am starting to wonder how much I like him. I mean, there is nothing to complain about here. He is nice, funny, smart, caring, very attentive. He gets along great with his parents (always a good sign). He has great dogs and lets me bring G. over to his house when we hang out. He is ambitious and hard-working and is totally accepting of every flaw of mine that I've revealed to him thus far. He even went out and bought books on EDs to understand them better after I opened up to him about my history. He texts sweet things and opens car doors for me.

But I'm still not quite how to classify my feelings for him. I enjoy being around him, I like trading e-mails and texts. We have good conversations about a variety of topics, and I appreciate the fact that he is always willing to lend an ear if I need to talk (although I am very careful not to unload on him about ED stuff). But I don't know if I'm really getting a "spark." Sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions, instead of responding to real emotions, it doesn't feel like a crush or like my previous relationships. Or is it just that I am not a teenager anymore, can you outgrow crushes? Again, he has done nothing wrong and I do care about him. It's not like I am looking for "The One" right now, either, I have no overwhelming desire for marriage or any of that stuff at this point in my life/career.

Maybe I am just making the error of wanting things to be perfect and textbook right away, instead of letting it develop. We have only been "official" for about a month. I do have genuine affection for him, but it is not the kind of thing where I lose sleep thinking about him. Remember back when we first started seeing each other, and I said I didn't know if it would develop into a romantic relationship or just a good friendship? Part of me wonders if my feelings for him might actually be more of the latter, if maybe I told myself I liked him this much just because I so desperately need someone to like me that much. Doesn't that sound awful? But again, I'm not sure, I could be totally wrong.

Maybe I am walling off emotions to prevent getting hurt. Maybe I am freaked out that the scale has inched up infinitesimally and am secretly looking for reasons that I could end things and trade movie nights cuddling on the couch for evening workouts again. Maybe I am just a little too stressed every time he puts his hand on my stomach or thigh. (I'm not prudish about physical aspects of a relationship, it's just casual touching of key points of "image anxiety" that bothers me).

Maybe lots of things, but on thing is definite: I am confused.

Perspective

So, from my perspective, I have been doing pretty well for the last month or so. New relationship, have regained the weight I lost during the move and initial few weeks here. Between spending time with Match and being crazybusy with grad school, I am slowly (ever so glacially slowly) loosening up on a few bits of the exercise stuff. I am working on making sleep more of a priority, although this is difficult when I have the neighbors playing the rock band from hell underneath me every night.

So, positives, good news. It's interesting, though, to contrast how I see the situation with how my new therapist sees it. Last week she said that she thought should look into IP treatment. I guess I can see where she's coming from: she sees me at point X, and it's harder for her to picture that point X is part of a positive trajectory up from where I was two years ago. I'm still not to that magic 85% of IBW that seems to gain you more trust from treatment providers. The exercise really has her concerned, and rightly so. I'm aware that it's still majorly excessive, and eats up ridiculous parts of my day. I still have a lot of disordered rules about food and meals.

I'm not claiming to be out of the woods, and I think that having a fresh perspective from a new therapist has been an eye-opener for me (although I still miss H so much it hurts), helping me to see myself more objectively. But sometimes I wonder whose perspective and/or interpretation is more accurate. Do I use being on the "upslope" as an excuse for complacency, or is she just not listening to me? Probably a little of both. My weight gain has been glacial, from the perspective of my treatment team, at least. I reached my peak weight for this recovery about six months ago and have trended down and then back up towards it, but haven't had a net gain since then. Also, that weight was the "first step" goal (meaning a landmark but not The End) that H originally set for me to achieve by July 2008. I have been working quite a bit on loosening up on thoughts behaviors, though, and sometimes I feel like my new T is not listening to me about that progress.

I guess it is a little awkward to get on the same page when you start seeing someone midway through this whole process. Sometimes I feel like she's treating me like a new client that she has to convince about recovery and scare into action, instead of someone who is open to committing to this, even if I blunder around on the path at times. I do really value having fresh perspective, don't get me wrong, but I don't feel like we're entirely on the same page yet.

Ironically, the fact that no healthcare company has yet agreed to insure me is the only reason I'm still able to afford therapy. I have an application in the underwriting stage right now, and if it is approved I will be paying a shit ton in premiums every month. My T is aware of this, and told me she will "work with" me on the insurance thing, but I'm not sure what she has planned for that.

I have been SUCH a bad blogger, and do have more things to talk about, life is just crazy right now. I miss you guys!

Promise Kept

Last year I made a "promise for next year" that I would not spend my birthday feeling terrible and stressed and depriving myself. I actually make promises to myself all the time, although I know that I will do pretty much nil to keep myself accountable for them.

But I actually did keep that promise this year. Yesterday was the first birthday in many years on which I have not ended up in tears of frustration at some point during the day. I didn't have a big fantastic celebration, but I did feel worlds calmer and more centered than I had in years past.

I don't think it had anything to do with my birthday, actually, I think we just tend to be more aware of ourselves on milestone days. I am still definitely a work in progress with recovery, but yesterday was really an eye-opener for me, as I contrasted the State of Cammy with previous years and contemplated how truly miserable and stressed I used to keep myself, day in and day out, for years and years.

So, kind of a low key birthday, but that was fine. Match works on Fridays, so he took me out to dinner on Thursday night. He also wished me a happy birthday through about 5 different media on Friday (woot for modern technology). I got lots of calls/messages on my birthday, my adviser treated me to Starbucks, I attended a fascinating talk on campus and then had a couple of drinks with my new crew of friends down here. Again, not a rockstar scale party, but I am not that type of person, so the low key day suited me just fine.

I guess I just wanted to report on that, milestones like birthdays are good times to reflect on where we've been or where we're going. I got some nice presents, but I think the best one was the one I gave myself: just spending the day feeling alive.

Follow-Up on Image Labeling

Just wanted to point you towards a very well-thought follow-up to Randy Cohen's blog post about the ethics and image manipulation, which I linked to earlier this week.

Preview:

I agree that it is incumbent on us all to be informed and skeptical, and not just in response to advertising. But it is futile to rely on the critical thinking of even the most astute and determined consumer. Such a suggestion erroneously assumes that simply knowing that an image is falsified immunizes you from its effect. Not so. Advertisers realize that images also affect us subconsciously. Nor can you escape such images: they are ubiquitous. Even if you never open a fashion magazine, you still interact with and are affected by those who do. We are social creatures, profoundly influenced by the people and ideas of our community.

Read the whole thing.

Ethics of Image Labeling

Today the NYT blog "Moral of the Story" has a very well-thought out post, regarding the ethical case for requiring that advertising agencies give disclosure about electronically-manipulated images. One section particularly interested me, so I thought I'd post it in case anyone had thoughts on it:

It could also be argued that a labeling law, equitably applied, would require warnings on nearly all ads, including those that alter reality in other ways. For example, few roads are as serenely traffic-free as those in car commercials (and indeed some automobile ads on TV already note that they were photographed on a closed course). But here’s the distinction: Although that open road deliberately conveys a bogus sense of driving delight, the road itself is not the product. The car is the product. In fashion ads, however, whether for clothes or makeup or shampoo, the model’s beauty is the product, or at least the direct result the product is meant to achieve. Because that beauty cannot be obtained via the proffered merchandise but only through a tricked-out photo, this is a case of false advertising.

I sometimes hesitate to post direct questions, for fear that no one will answer and I'll be a lonely blogdorg, but: What do you think about the fact that beauty is the product, not the bra, lotion, etc? In what cases is this more or less true than others?

Anywho, I highly encourage you to read the whole post. I subscribe to the blog, love the way this guy cogently breaks down such a wide variety of issues.

Opening Up, but Not Pouring Out

So, long time no blog. I guess I just haven't felt like I had much of signficance to say. I am so incredibly behind on blogs and e-mails, sorry. School load has definitely picked up. Also, Match is starting to become involved in more and more of my time every week, but I am definitely not complaining. We had a talk about "us" and it appears I done got myself an official relationship. I have a teensy bit of mixed feelings: I like him, enjoy him, enjoy him enjoying me, etc, but then there is always that part that resists being so vulnerable, you know?

Anyway, lots of challenges to food routines and daily schedules. I think I am doing fair with that so far. I have definitely had to loosen up on the routines, and I am actually making progress with being less rigid about missing a workout. I still do my best to make it up, but it does not consume my thoughts, and I'm more likely to let 10 minutes slide here or there. I am not trying to use Match as a crutch, but I can't deny that it is a hell of a lot easier to spend the evening on the couch with him than it would be to try and keep myself still and non-exercising if I were alone.

I may have mentioned that Match is a psych major. I did tell him that I am "in the process of recovering from AN," and we kind of left the issue alone for quite a while. Now we are getting to the stage where we're starting to share deeper things with each other, though, and he seems to be very interested in the "story" of my ED (how it developed, etc). He said he had not learned much about thesubject in his psych classes, but did do quite a bit of research after he learned that I have dealt/am dealing with it.

I trust him, and I know he cares about me, but I still feel a little weird telling him about what a dark and pathetic history I have when it comes to this. I guess I still carry a good deal of shame, for what I have put my family and even myself through. I made it clear to him that I do NOT expect any kind of help or built-in therapy from our relationship, the fact that he wants to be a therapist and I am currently in therapy is just an ironic coincidence. He said he understands that, and just wants to be supportive however he can.

Ok, there isn't much of a point to all of that, except that the background information is much easier to organize in my head than my actual feelings about it. Now that we are getting to know one another well and fill in info about our histories, leaving out the ED factors does tend to leave gaping holes and missing links in many of the details about my life for the past 10 years.

I often wonder what he wonders. He hasn't shied away from inviting me out to eat, and most of the time I go along with that relatively well. I still have some hang-ups about eating out, but it is entirely based on control over the prep of my food, not about eating in public.

I guess I will just take a stepwise approach, not dumping everything on him but giving him more basic facts and filling him in as it seems appropriate. I think there is a line between opening up information and completely pouring everything out. Advice from anyone that has been in this situation?

Because You Have to Laugh

Today's dose of "you have to laugh" Black Humor awkwardness: the nurse asking the anorexic if she thinks she can handle not eating for X hours before a blood test.

My therapist wants me to have one last thorough exam (bloodwork, EKG, etc) before my insurance runs out later this month, so I called to make an appointment today. The staff has worked with me quite a bit over the last couple of months, getting the referral for therapy worked out, so they are very aware of my "issues." They are actually way more knowledgeable and concerned about ED issues than any other physician's office I have dealt with. I talked to several knowledgeable people today, and I do still have some options for health care, but it is going to cost me much more per month than the plan I was originally hoping for, which will take away all the money I could have possibly spared for therapy, and then some.

I actually didn't intend to let this post devolve into whining, sorry. To end on a positive note:

-Things are progressing VERY nicely with Match.

-I finally got the courage to complain to management about my neighbors, after multiple attempts to resolve the problem with them personally. I am so nervous because I really hate the thought of people being mad at me, but in reality I have zero relationship with these people, and really have nothing to lose. The management was very understanding and assured me that if they try to "get back" at me in some way there will be consequences for them. I hate hate HATE feeling like a tattle, I have lived in apartments/duplexes for 5 years now and have never had this issue with anyone, but I did try my best to address it without getting anyone higher involved, and the neighbors just escalated. So, shaky woot for having guts today.

-I am in love with the new show Modern Family.

Ok, off to go get some work done. I'm going to be with Match most of the day tomorrow and helping my labmate with work for most of Sunday, so I don't get too many nerd points for staying in to research on a Friday night, I think. And honestly, I kind of like my nerd points anyway. ;p