Major fatish feeling from lack of exercise, and sort of restricted yesterday, definitely today. Have munched on Christmas cookies, etc, though, which I never would have done in the past, but used them as substitutes for other typical foods (ie having a cookie for breakfast instead of toast) so that hasn't been a source of increased calories overall. I have definitely noticed that even when I'm slipping a little, my behaviors and overall experience are so much better than in previous years. I have most definitely had anxiety over the exercise stuff, but I have been surprised because it has been less intense than I would have expected. Holidays are still rocky, but are getting better and better all the time.
My brothers were in a really rocky stage last Christmas, and it was extremely tense at times. This year has been worlds better, I thoroughly enjoyed them both. My mom is my best friend, and I've had a great time with her, as always. My dad worships the ground that my mom and I walk on, and is never ashamed to show it. I am so thankful for my family. One of my top favorite things about recovery is being able to relax and spend more time enjoying them.
Interestingly, my family seems to have changed how they act around the ED issues too. In previous years, my parents made a big deal about always sitting with me when I ate, insisting it was to keep me company, not to keep an eye on me. This year it seems to be the opposite, they have left me alone and not made an effort to be in the same room at meal times. I have to wonder if it's because they worry less about it now that I'm "big enough" (they have always had a hard time grasping that external recovery may or may not reflect internal status), but whether that is true or not, I'm sort of just relieved to be left to my own devices. They have very casual eating patterns, so it's normal for someone to have something when others don't, which makes it less stressful for me to make my own meals, in some ways, although a little more stressful in others. I love my family dearly and have enjoyed them over Christmas, but I'll be glad to be in my own space again soon.
Did the post-Christmas sales with my mom yesterday. I love our "Girls' Day Out" sessions, but trying on clothes is such a huge trigger for me, and I felt pretty glum by the end of the day, it definitely contributed to my lack of appetite today.
Ok, getting up for a long drive tomorrow so I better go. Overall, successful holiday. Could have handled some things better, but looking back over the years, the trend is positive.
3 comments:
Sounds like you had some good family time :) My family is way different about my ED stuff now too. They pretty much stay out of it, in a good way, which makes me think they trust me, so I can trust myself :) I still have holiday anxiety, but it's different. It's an anxiety evolution, I guess. It sounds like you made it through just fine, maybe even enjoyed some parts :) That's great! Sometimes I feel like I have to recalibrate my expectations around the holidays. Yes, some things are still hard for me, but some things that were hard are now no big deal. I'd say that's an accomplishment :)
Your family's intuitive eating habits remind me of my family's. Definitely a pro and a con, depending on the situation. I'm glad you're able to see your own progress. You're really good at describing your status not in black and white. You seem to have a good awareness of where your struggles still lie while still having an awareness of the improvements you've worked hard to achieve. Self awarenss really ends up being so powerful in recovery. IT helps us make goals and keep perspective.
Also, I totally agree that getting to relax and spend more time enjoying your family is one of the best things about recovery.
I'm glad you had fun with your family. But remember it's ok to ask them to sit with you when you eat so you eat real food instead of cookies. Of course this comes from someone that subed CC for lunch two day's in a row.
Have a good trip home.
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