Ixnay on iPhone posting

So true to my ostensibly perfectionist form, I was a little horrified at all the typos and grammatical mistakes in yesterday's post. Just for the record, I was typing it on my phone while I was waiting at the oil change place. It's edited now. I swear I'm literate.

Something Has to Give

I feel like I want to write about what's going on with me and ED stuff, but I don't know how.

I think the main thing on my mind about it right now is that the ED stuff is negatively impacting my day-to-day life experience more right now than it has in years.

I'm just sick of trying to tread water and still feeling like I'm sinking. I'm afraid that after almost 14 years of it I just don't have the energy anymore. When I picture where I want to be in 10 years, there is no room for this bullshit in the picture of what I'll need to be doing....and if this has been an issue for the last decade and a half I don't trust myself not to let it go on for another decade and a half.

I had one of those "crack the whip" therapy sessions this week, and they just don't move me anymore. T. gave me an ultimatum: get to X weight and halve exercise by the end of the semester or she's going to stop seeing me and refer me to IP. Not the first time I've had that threat, and I understand her position (she risks appearing to condone stagnation if she stays complacent with lack of progress). Of course what that will actually mean is that I go back to my next field research season with no therapy support again, which is where I really slipped backwards this past year.

She and I made a more concrete plan for exercise tapering, which I gave a good amount of thought/angst to and then didn't follow through with on the designated days. Match asked me how I felt about not doing it, and my honest answer was: I don't feel anything at all about it. I guess that should scare me.

I'm drowning in class work and have a lot of other things I need to be accomplishing too, and I think all of that cognitive depletion is really setting me back with tackling psychologically/emotionally challenging things on top of that. Maybe that indicates flipped priorities, but these days I feel more like I'm triaging than prioritizing every day.

Something has to give soon, though. Match is being beautifully supportive, but I worry about exhausting him too. I don't know.

Tired

I'm having a rough go of it, y'all. It's been one of those weeks where I really question whether I'm capable of ever having anything except this life. I'm tired.

Invasive Day

So far this morning I've had to give a presentation for a class, had my annual gyno exam and all the invasion involved in that, had blood taken, and then had my brain picked during a therapy session.

Now I just want to spend the rest of the day curled up in a ball in the corner where no one can mess with me.