I feel like I want to write about what's going on with me and ED stuff, but I don't know how.
I think the main thing on my mind about it right now is that the ED stuff is negatively impacting my day-to-day life experience more right now than it has in years.
I'm just sick of trying to tread water and still feeling like I'm sinking. I'm afraid that after almost 14 years of it I just don't have the energy anymore. When I picture where I want to be in 10 years, there is no room for this bullshit in the picture of what I'll need to be doing....and if this has been an issue for the last decade and a half I don't trust myself not to let it go on for another decade and a half.
I had one of those "crack the whip" therapy sessions this week, and they just don't move me anymore. T. gave me an ultimatum: get to X weight and halve exercise by the end of the semester or she's going to stop seeing me and refer me to IP. Not the first time I've had that threat, and I understand her position (she risks appearing to condone stagnation if she stays complacent with lack of progress). Of course what that will actually mean is that I go back to my next field research season with no therapy support again, which is where I really slipped backwards this past year.
She and I made a more concrete plan for exercise tapering, which I gave a good amount of thought/angst to and then didn't follow through with on the designated days. Match asked me how I felt about not doing it, and my honest answer was: I don't feel anything at all about it. I guess that should scare me.
I'm drowning in class work and have a lot of other things I need to be accomplishing too, and I think all of that cognitive depletion is really setting me back with tackling psychologically/emotionally challenging things on top of that. Maybe that indicates flipped priorities, but these days I feel more like I'm triaging than prioritizing every day.
Something has to give soon, though. Match is being beautifully supportive, but I worry about exhausting him too. I don't know.
5 comments:
I am sorry you feel like that. It is so hard to tell why it is so hard to step out from such tiring, self-harming, irrational cycles that are obviously not moving us forward.
I feel quite a lot in somehow same situation despite I think my ED is far less active as yours (I am normal weight, even on the higher side of healthy BMI thanks to bipolar meds :/) - but this constant social anxiety, isolation, destructive exercise/routines (regardless of actual amount)...combined with not being in my comfort weight zone is taking too much space I need for "life".
It scares me how many energy I lose to it and how I could invest the energy and actually achieve something. I have job I have ever dreamt about, PhD, nice project and some ideas, but somehow I feel I just survive on the day-to-day basis without really moving forward. My boss accidentally saw me crying yesterday in the hospital and I couldn't tell him I am just overall exhausted from fighting the anxiety, the rigidity, from fighting with myself for so many years that I cry Friday evening instead of going for the drink with my coworkers.
I am happy for you that you have Match and all his great support, Cammy! And I hope you and your therapist will find some way to treat this issues more intensively and effectively.
And I know nothing of what I have written is helpful.. sorry... it is just I can relate so well and I hate that someone else has to feel similar kind of pain.
Take care, things will move forward!
Kind regards,
Ola/Michaela
Whew, sounds like a lot going on right now. I'm really sorry that the ED effects are seeping into your academic and professional life, making things more difficult. It's also hard to be in that apathetic spot about making changes. It's hard that T has given that ultimatum, but I think it's important to keep seeing her. Is there any way you can get as much accountability as possible, and white-knuckle it if you have to, to follow through on her conditions? Know that I'm here if you need anything: an ear, accountability, reminders of why you ARE worth 100% recovery; let me know! Sounds like Match has been pretty awesome too. You are loved.
I'm really worried about you, C. I really am. I have been for a while. I wish for you that you could put life on pause for a bit and take time to prioritize ED tx over academics - and that might mean IP - ... and I say this for just the reason you write - that you don't want this in your life in 10 years. Not wanting it in your life isn't enough to actually have it out of your life, unfortuantely. You have to do something about it, be uncomfortalbe, and let your life take a different course than you might have imagined - temporarily at least...
Email / message me if you want to talk more...
It kills me that this is a treatable, curable illness and yet you might continue suffering for so much longer than you already have...
I've been hesitating about what to write in response to this, but Laura said it perfectly. This is a treatable, curable illness and there is no reason for you to let this go on any longer. Yes, something has to give. Your research can wait, the PhD can wait, a career can wait. For me, being mostly on the other side of it, that all seems so obvious and unambiguous. I wish that you could see things so clearly as well.
I really hope that you can figure out how to take some concrete steps towards treatment soon. Please text or e-mail me as well if you would like to brainstorm. I don't want you to wait until something bad happens that can't be undone.
Oof. I know this is about you, and your situation, but I have to say this-- I have never regretted the time I spent IP before starting my PhD. Yeah, it was sucky and I missed a lot of med schl for it, and IP isn't a cure all and all those things. But dammit, it helped. It took a while still to extricate myself from the wreck, and then from all the weird post-IP quirks/ridigity [which still trumped rigidly exercising/undereating]. But I couldn't have imagined how much better being well, better, would feel. I hope you seriously consider it. Not to say it didn't suck, a lot, and all those floods of feelings ick awfulness loss of control so abruptly etc etc etc. But it was worth it. So for whatever that's worth, I hope you'll start to think of IP as an option vs. spending time getting sicker/not getting anything outta your awesome field work.
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