Therapy Outing and Inpatient Treatment

So, C. decided that we're having a "therapeutic outing" tomorrow: we're meeting at the mall to shop for an outfit for a big event I'm attending next week. This should be interesting.

Ok, Formspring has failed me tonight. I received a really great question and wrote a long answer, and then it just disappeared when I tried to save it. I'll try to reconstruct it here. I don't know who asked the question, and I apologize that I can't quote your words in the question verbatim, but the main idea was:

Have you ever been hospitalized/inpatient for your eating disorder, and if not then why? What has worked best for you in your treatment history?

This question made me want to change my answer to a previous question about what my greatest regret has been. I really wish that I could go back in time and force my 13 year old self to go inpatient. At one point I was so severely medically unstable that I am still shocked the doctors didn't make my parents hospitalize me, but they were in deep denial and highly resistant to any disruption of what would appear to be a normal family life. They said they didn't want me to have to repeat the 7th grade, that being away from the family would make things worse, and we lived in a very small town and word would have been out in no time that I'd been shipped off to a loony bin. (Note I do NOT think IP counts as the loony bin, but you know how things tend to twist when people gossip).

And of course I jumped on any excuse not to go, because I didn't think I was "that sick" (despite the fact that I laid awake almost every night because I was afraid my heart would finally give up and stop if I went to sleep) and just wanted to be left the hell alone to my lettuce and treadmill.

In retrospect, I think the best thing that could have happened to me would have been to have an aggressive and thorough intervention very early in my anorexic "career." I think that if the issue had been tackled and rooted out during that first round when I was 13, my life over the past decade would have been very different indeed. As it was, it was largely swept under the rug and allowed to fester for years and years. I had ups and downs, periods where I gained weight back and the relapsed, but never at any time gave up disordered patterns. I can't say for sure that IP would have "cured" me, I have no way to know that, but I think it would have at least been worth a shot.

So my therapy history, in a nutshell:

Age 13 (sickest point, rock bottom): My parents force me to see a family therapist with no ED experience. I lose weight while seeing her, and she fires me after a couple of months. I had one appt with a dietitian, who had no ED experience either and just basically told me to eat whatever I wanted. Which was nothing. Which was a problem, apparently, that she didn't know how to deal with.

After I quit seeing that first therapist I actually did gain my weight back and had a healthy (meaning weight almost in the healthy BMI) year. I never gave up the calorie counting, exercise, etc, though.

Major relapse the first year of high school. Kept myself very ill and disordered yet functional, at least, throughout high school. Summer after junior year my boss wouldn't let me come back to work unless I sought help (at many points, I think that the only person I was able to hide my ED from was myself). So she gave me one day off a week so that I could drive an hour to a big city to see an ED specialist. I was totally resentful of being forced into this, didn't like the therapist at all, and she fired me after about 4 visits. The only thing I liked about her was the cat she kept in her office. Anyway, I kept taking that day off for the rest of the summer, using it to get in extra gym time, and my boss never knew the difference.

I maintained at unhealthy yet functional levels as I started college. The spring of sophomore year at college, I worked up the courage to go to the campus counseling center, and was turned away, they "didn't do eating disorders." Major invalidation and bursting of courage bubble.

Then I had a major relapse again the summer after sophomore year of college, weight dropped almost as low as that first near-lethal rock bottom when I was 13. I came back for the fall semester my junior year , had a huge class/activity load, and was really just not making it. I had been swearing for years that I'd never set foot in a therapist's office, but I finally broke down and found a psychologist (I was 21). That woman totally saved my life, no exaggeration. It took me a few months to warm up to her, but she didn't fire me, and I hung in there to give it a chance that time. I had nothing left to turn to. I've been in therapy continuously for 2.5 years now. I moved last summer and had to switch treatment teams, now I see an LCSW. I can tell a huge difference between her approach and that of my psychologist's, and I liked the psych better, but that could be just individual differences. I saw a dietitian a few times in my old city, but never really got into it. The one I see here (D) is WAY better and I see her as often as I can afford (about twice a month).

Ok, loooong answer, that I have written twice now, I hope I didn't leave anything out! The main issue was IP, which I have not had experience with, so I apologize I can't offer much advice about that. The rest is just rambling, I think, apologies for the length...

I have a couple more Formspring questions in the queue, to be answered soon and in the order they are received, keep 'em coming!

<3

Honesty

I would argue with the title of this post, because you don't have to be a boy to be uncomfortable with expressing emotion or pain. But I did identify with the chart itself enough that I felt compelled to pass it on:

A Salute to Side Effects

Dear Birth Control,
Thanks so much for the help in the boobage department! I am totally in love with the new breastesses. This is awesome and I promise to take good care of them. Keep up the good work! K bye.
<3
Cammy

Rebooting Challenges and Formspringing

So, I haven't gone into much detail about this, but I kind of fell of the wagon around spring break and didn't make much of an effort to get back on. Last couple of weeks of therapy have been a little intense. I can tell I've disappointed C. I feel like crap. I've had some good days mixed in there, like this past weekend, but the overall trend has been negative. So yesterday I made a point to start eating better again, and today I laced up my big girl boots and decided to take the exercise challenge on again, going to really try to regain some balance this week. It always frustrates me when I start doing the "right" things and don't feel better right away. "I've had good meals for the last 24 hours, why do I still feel like shit?" Right...debts to your body run a bit deeper than that and don't disappear overnight, I am just not used to admitting I'm human.

A few weeks ago I joined Formspring and mentioned it on my blog, got a couple of questions right away, then promptly *forgot* about it. I think I assumed the site would send me an e-mail notification if anyone actually asked me a question, but apparently it doesn't work like that. So I randomly remembered it and signed in today, and sho 'nuff, I had 5 questions that have been sitting there for a minimum of 2 weeks! So sorry if it looked like I was ignoring y'all! So anyway, here is the Q&A so far, don't hesitate to ask me more if you'd like! I am Cammy4B on formspring.me. I do try hard to protect my identity, so I can't answer anything extremely specific ("What is your social security number, your middle name, your place of birth, etc"), but I do welcome questions, ED-related or otherwise.

I don't understand the point of a formspring instead of having people just ask you questions in the comments-enlighten me and maybe I will get one!

I'm not exactly sure either, just trying this out. Except I'm never confident that people come back and check comments, so I'm never sure if they see my answer or if other people see my responses.

How would you describe yourself in 3 words?

Structured, over-analytical, curious

Hi Cammy, love your blog! I was wondering if Provera was able to bring on your period? I wasn't that lucky so just went straight to the pill :/

Sort of. About 3 days after my run of Provera ended, I had extremely (EXTREMELY) light spotting for about 24 hours. We're talking hardly enough to even warrant a single pad. That was it.

What would your ideal future look like?

I don't want to get too specific, for purposes of anonymity, but I am extremely passionate about my work, so ideally I want to keep myself healthy and balanced enough to keep doing what I love and contributing to my profession. With plenty of travel, books, and peanut butter to make it even more ideal. ;)

What are the 3 most beautiful things about you?

My loyalty, my drive, and my sense of humor.

What do you consider to be your biggest accomplishment? What is your biggest regret?

Wow, tough. Biggest accomplishment is my college experience as a whole. Beyond the degree, I did so much growing up, branching out, and coming into my own during that time. I really felt like I found my place in the grand scheme of things. Biggest regret is that I do not see more of my grandparents, who are very special to me, but geography works against that.

This Week's Good, Bad, and Ugly

The good:

This week is going better. Better, meaning I don't constantly feel like dissolving into tears. Ok it is better than that, I am a lot calmer and more balanced, last week was rough. M's bday was this week, and I rocked the food challenges. We ate out for dinner the night before and bfast the day of, and I had good portions of "real" foods both times. Score.

Also, I've been HELLA busy with school/research stuff this week. That is not a bad thing, I tend to do best when I have a lot to work on, it keeps me busy and gives me a sense of accomplishment when I finish. I think one of the reasons I've been so unhappy since I moved here is that there just isn't as much going on at this school to keep me busy, to push me, etc. Grad school is turning out to be a joke compared to undergrad.

The bad:

Have not only not done any challenge days with exercise for over a week, but have been inching back up above what the new threshold was. Including adding running again, which I gave up about about 3 years ago due to bad knees. I am not running for anywhere NEAR what I used to, and not every day, and am doing it outside, instead of my former ritual treadmill sessions so that I could have all "my data" spread out in front of me in LED. So those are my "but but" caveats, but I know I need to keep tabs on myself to make sure I'm still running because I love it (I do) instead of a disordered sense of obligation.

Definitely feeling the drain/lack of energy after over a week of pushing it past the max again. And have so much work to do (see above), I need to reassert my priorities and do better with that next week, it's not as if I don't have anything else I could be spending that burned time on.

The ugly:

OB/GYN appointment later this morning. :/

A Short on Shorts and Other Miscellany

Randoms before I head out for the night:

--Temperatures are finally warming up, and today was the Annual Trying on of Shorts After Winter. I dread this every.single.year. And especially this year, because although I haven't been gaining weight rapidly, I know I've put some on since I last wore shorts in September/October. I was only brave enough to test one pair, and was so relieved when they fit that I figured I would stop while I was ahead.

--Match has a nice dinner + beachwalk date planned for us. Very romantic, so I didn't have the heart to tell him I think the beach is kind of gwoss. I'm pretty outdoorsy and not squeamish at ALL, don't get me wrong. I love combing for shore critters. But I don't like feeling gritty. But anything with him is usually fun, so it'll be ok.

--The reason this bears any relevance for this blog is: that my first thought when he suggested this plan was "Ew, sand." Contrast that to last fall, when we had a similar night planned, and my first thought was "Great, some exercise after dinner." Times they are a-changing, slowly but steadily.

--In case anyone is interested in the birth control situation (not that I really think anyone is interested in my lady parts, but I am continuing updates on this in case there is anyone else out there like me that has anxiety about going on pills and is looking for anecdotes), I've been on the birth control for almost a week now, and if anything my weight is down a bit. Only noticeable side effect is nausea, and sometimes light-headedness in the evenings right after I take it.

My internet went out literally while I was in the process of writing this, and I'm supposed to leave in 10 minutes, so maybe the post won't go up tonight after all, damn.

(8 minutes later) Ok I am back online just in time to walk out the door, adios mis amores.

Analogy of the Day: Cigarettes Kill You

Dietitian: When you're tempted to restrict or exercise to cope with stress, what do you think you're going to get out of it in the end?

Cammy: When a smoker lights up a cigarette, what do they expect to get out of it "in the end"? Their need for it is all that matters in the moment, isn't it?

Dietitian: *blink*

Cammy: *checks watch*

Dietitian: That doesn't make lung cancer any less deadly though, does it?

Cammy: *blink*

Inarticulate

Hey y'all? I'm having a really hard week. That's all I really have to say right now, but I needed to get that much out.

BC and Back to Therapizing

So I officially started taking my birth control pills last night. I've been putting it off for weeks, because I was worried that it will make me gain weight. But 1) my post about the issue got tons of comments from people who haven't had that side effect, 2) my mom has taken the same brand of BC and swore up and down it didn't make her gain, and 3) the side effects of the pill can't be as dramatic as the side effects of pregnancy, and 4) even if I do gain, I'm technically supposed to be adding a few more pounds anyway. The Provera I took last month (the doc prescribed it to kickstart a period before going on BC) gave me a bit of a breakout on my back, but nothing more. REALLY trying not to let anxiety over the BC make me a complete freak about my weight this week. I just cannot stand waiting around seeing what something will do to my body, you know? Feels disempowering, even though I know the main thing it's disempowering is the ED-related obsession with regulating everything about my physique.

Tomorrow I have a double whammy therapy day. It's been 2 weeks since I saw C (therapist) and 3 weeks since I saw D (dietitian). D is not going to be too happy with me, because of restricting on the trip, not meeting some other food goals since I've been back (not in terms of calorie intake, just other details of the makeup and distribution of those calories) and the fact that I haven't kept up with food records very well since returning. I also haven't been doing great with the exercise reduction since I returned. I guess I felt like I "earned" some time off the challenge this week since last week was such an upheaval of my norm. I'm sure C. won't be shy about setting me straight on that either. Dum, da dum dum . . . I'm lucky to have her.

We Raised Him Right

Continuing the random shared text conversations with my family, this is another one from my high school brother:

Brother: I missed schoolbus because it was dark this morning and I slept in. DST sux.

Cammy: Did [his girlfriend] come get you? Obv not, you're texting me instead of learning?

Brother: Yes but going in late, she took me to Burger King breakfast.

Cammy: Rebels.

Brother: Glad my gf isn't on a diet like other ppl at our school, we'd miss a lot of fun.

Cammy: Amen, I'm glad too.

Rock on, Brother, you're a good man.

Trip Review: ED Stuff

This is Part II of my review of my spring break road trip. In my last post I mentioned the things that went well: bonding time with my boyfriend, meeting his family, etc. Eating and exercise were bigger challenges, which, although I think I did manage decently overall, did present a few rough patches.

Exercise

Not only was I out of my normal habitat, but I had way less opportunities to exercise than I would have liked. Two of our days were spent sightseeing, which kept us on our feet, but two were spent in the car (although I got quite a bit of workout time in before we left on Saturday morning), and the other one was mostly sedentary visiting with his family. On the visit day, I told Match ahead of time that it would do wonders for my state of mind if we could fit a walk in at some point, and he was very understanding. It worked out well, because we ended up going with his mom and her dog, and I got to see a bit of the neighborhood. Still, it was a minuscule amount of activity compared to what I'm used to. This definitely did affect my eating. Although I didn't do terribly badly, I knew I was often in a deficit during the trip.

Eating

The only very difficult incident was Monday night when we went out to dinner with M's dad (we actually ate dinner out with him every night, this was the only really hard one). I tried to be adventurous and order a non-salad thing, especially since it was a day we'd been moving a lot and I knew I was in the red on my calories. But the item I ordered was way bigger and greasier than I expected, and it threw me off. Uberstress. M's dad noticed I was picking at it, and started making comments about me not eating it and generally making it obvious he was watching me like a hawk. This is the HUGEST appetite killer for me, and totally shut me down for the meal. I was frustrated because I knew I needed to eat, but really felt too anxious, off kilter, and under the microscope to touch the food. I was was pretty near tears. I knew he didn't mean to make it difficult, he was just trying to seem attentive, but the whole point is that I cannot handle attention to my eating. Match picked up on my distress and tried to keep the conversation going to take me out of the spotlight, but at that point I was in internal meltdown mode and it didn't matter. My Twitter pals (you know who you are) "witnessed" this in real time when I had a chance to type on my phone during a bathroom break and in the car on the way home. You ladies are awesome, by the way, not sure if I conveyed at the time how much I appreciated your support.

So I ended up not touching a bite of it, and going to bed empty even though I had walked all day and only had a moderate sized lunch around noon. In retrospect I can see how I could have coped with what I was served (scrape X off of Y and eat it, have bread from the basket, etc), but I was just freaked out at the time. And the thing is, I truly didn't feel hungry once I was in panic mode, even though my stomach had been growling before we got to the restaurant. I did feel fat and soft from not exercising. And I felt no hunger the next morning either, absolutely none, and I felt just as fat as ever. I think this was the scariest part of the whole incident. Just a reminder of how easy it all is, how smooth it would be to turn back in that direction. I did get back on track that morning, because we had some great activities planned and I wanted to have enough energy to enjoy everything.

So Monday night was the only complete failure. I did eat much better than I would have in the past, although still didn't meet my mealplan most days. Most of that stemmed from self-consciousness around Match, who tends to be a bit of a light eater himself. I know that is ridiculous, that he wouldn't think less of me for eating when I'm hungry, but still.

Candidness

M did pick up on my meltdownishness on Monday night, and we discussed it after we went to bed. He was very understanding about why the situation made me uncomfortable. He noticed I'd disappeared for a few mins and had been using my phone right after, and asked if I had someone I contacted when things like that happened. He said he wished I could come to him instead, which was nice, but I felt like I needed to calm down a bit before talking to him about it.

On the car ride back on Wednesday we spent a couple hundred miles discussing the ED and body image stuff, actually. I've kind of been giving it to him piece by piece as our relationship has progressed, and I think spending extended time with me helps him to get a better grasp of where stress points and other issues might be found. Overall he was incredible about it. He had some probing and specific questions, but I'm at the point where I feel ok about answering pretty much anything for him. The only thing that bothers me about how he handles it is that he still likes to stroke my stomach sometimes, even though I've told him several times that it makes me uncomfortable. If I redirect the hand once he does it, though, he goes along with that. And he is a pysch major, and apparently has learned some things about EDs in his classes that I really do not agree with, but he was open to hearing my opinion on those (like using BMI as diagnostic criteria, certain differences between AN and BN, etc).

Ok, so that was that. He has now seen/learned way more about me, and I apparently have not scared him off yet.

I think I underestimated how much a few days of calorie slashing would affect me, I have felt extremely lethargic and a bit "swimmy" ever since I got home, still trying to get my balance back. So in a nutshell, some significant challenges, but the trip was definitely worth it.

Back to Real Life

I am back from the big spring break adventure with Match, scrambling around to get caught up on work, blogs, e-mail, etc etc. Poor G. was very sick when I got back, so have been dealing with that too. So much to say about the trip that it's hard to know where to start.

Trip with Match

Spending five straight days (including 8 hour car rides there and back) with Match was a milestone, and I was interested to see how it would go. Would we have anything left to talk about after the first long ride, much less after almost a week of not really being out of one another's sight?

It went better than I could have hoped. It's like a positive feedback loop where the more you get, the more you want, you know what I mean? So this part was a score.

Meet the Parents

One of the main features of the trip was that I met Match's parents (dad and mom + stepdad). A little bit of stressage leading up to that. But it turned out to be great, they were all awesome and I felt like I managed to make a good impression and hit it off with them. I really felt comfortable with them right away. Score again. It was also interesting to see Match in the context of his family and the town where he grew up.

Lack of Me Time

I live by myself. My life is full of Me Time. I am independent to a fault, and get a little overwhelmed if I don't have an escape route from a given situation. This is not to say I'm anti-social, I actually love meeting people. I just like to have the comfort of knowing it's on my terms, and I can leave when I want to. The longest time I've ever really spent straight with Match was about 18 hours. Normally I am able to change my routines and such by telling myself that I can make up for it later, adjust this or that. This goes for specific behaviors and just plain recharge time. So this was a challenge on this trip, but I think I did well with it. I was able to get away for 15 minutes or so a few evenings to just chill, check my messages, etc, and it was ok. It also helps that I was around someone I was comfortable with, that knows a lot about me, so I didn't feel like I was having to maintain much of a facade. (Not that I am normally two-faced, but you know what I mean, I hope?).

I started to write up the eating stuff, but this post is long already, so I'll publish that separately later today. That was where most of the hard parts occurred. But overall the trip was GREAT and I felt like it was a success in several ways, if not all (see next post).

Spring Break Approacheth

So, I am officially on spring break. My classload is so depressingly light (I am not joking, one reason I'm so unhappy here is that I really don't feel stimulated) that it doesn't mean much of a difference in workload, most of my work is research, not class related. But it is still kind of a nice way to mark progress through the semester. And to mark a milestone in my relationship: first road trip with Match. We leave tomorrow, and we'll be back Wednesday night. I'll also be meeting his parents for the first time. :s

So I'm nervous about the obvious things: not getting as much exercise as usual, eating in unfamiliar places, eating every meal of the day with other people, etc etc.

Exercise: We'll spend 2 days driving, but he's not really an early bird, so I'll have time to get at least something done to work out before we leave on travel days. And 2 of the remaining 3 days will be doing sight-seeing stuff that should keep us on our feet for a good part of the day. So only 1 day I'm really stressed about.

Food: I can handle fast-foodie stuff on travel days, I think people tend to overlook that you can indeed get at least decently healthy stuff (read: grilled chicken salad) pretty much anywhere. I also find it incredibly easy to restrict when I'm traveling. So I know that the bigger concern than eating "too much" is eating too little and then not feeling well enough to enjoy the trip. So must make an effort with that.

Other food: Once we're actually up there, we'll be staying with his dad. Which is GREAT, because he's a typical bachelor that doesn't cook, so we'll be eating out most meals. This is less stressful than eating in someone else's home, where you have no say over what is served or how it was prepared. There will be only one day of that: we'll spend Sunday at his mom's house, and eat all 3 meals there. Fortunately, he told me in advance what she'll serve. He told her I like salads a lot, and she's going to have that available...although again I know that I run the risk of a double-edged sword: being too uncomfortable with the "real food" to eat that, but knowing that having just the salad is not going to be enough for me. I've got protein bars and such as backup, but still.

Things to remember:

I like seeing new places, I enjoy meeting new people, and I am good at making friends. So this trip should be good, right? If Match's parents are anything like him, I'm sure we'll get along great.

I am trying to treat this as an experiment in normalcy. Like, a trial basis of "what would I do if I didn't have an ED?" Normal people can go on trips with their boyfriends and enjoy the ride and the food and the sights without having an internal meltdown over imaginary ounces of weight gain.

So that's the goal. I'm taking my computer and should be able to update at some point if I'm flipping out. Any positive "Don't Restrict or Spontaneously Combust" vibes you can send are greatly appreciated.

Abrupt change of subject: I am seriously cursed when it comes to cars. I had traffic court for my accident this morning, and on the way there not less than FOUR people honked and flashed and motioned at me about my rear tire (the one that was in the area hit in my accident). A guy at a red light told me it was "wobbling so badly it looks like it's about to come off."

Well shit.

I couldn't not show up for court, so I got downtown and parked, and called the body shop where I'd had it (supposedly) repaired. They said they'd send someone out, and I went into court. Fortunately they dismissed my case (being an innocent looking young woman can SO work to your advantage sometimes, I'll admit...although I truly was innocent anyway!), so I was out fairly quickly. The car guy said he thought it was just the rim, and told me it was ok to drive back to the shop. More honks and flashes en route.

They put it on the lift when I got there, and apparently in the entire month that they'd kept it for repairs, no one noticed the hub of the wheel was bent. So they replaced that. It only took about an hour, and I sat in the lobby and chattered to the office ladies with stories about my research (I can't really give details on here, but suffice it to say my research is pretty damn cool stuff, in my humble opinion), it seemed to keep all of us entertained.

So that's the swirl of stuff in my brain right now. Off to drop G. off at doggy jail and finish packing. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

PS I have joined the growing bandwagon over at Formspring: http://www.formspring.me/cammy4b. Ask away, although don't be offended if I am not able to answer immediately.

From the Family Circus Files

So just yesterday I wrote a post about the importance of finding humor in awkward situations, and I should have mentioned that my family is great about this. We make jokes sometimes that might seem a little, I'm not sure, uncomfortable for someone squeamish about acknowledging EDs. But my anorexia issues are not really a secret, and so we can joke about it. We share a sardonic sense of humor, and I've never felt like they were teasing or guilting me. Like I said before, it's a mechanism of empowerment and bonding to be able to find humor in these things, I think. Anyway, all that exposition just to share with you a text exchange I had with my 16 year old brother this morning (background: he is currently seeing a therapist for depression, so we trade therapist jokes occasionally, helps to diffuse stigma since neither of us is the single "messed up one").

Cammy: Morning baby bro, I had a dream about you last night.

Brother: details...

Cammy: I don't remember much, but it had to do with a nativity set and a buffet.

Brother: i am so telling my therapist you called me fat. think i'll get a new Rx out of that?

I sometimes hesitate to share these because they aren't quite as funny after the fact as they are in the spontaneous moment, but oh well, attempts at Friday light-heartedness never hurt.

Update on my continuing car woes and and spring break issues later.

Comments on Comments

I know that part of recovery is dealing with various comments without freaking out and letting the ED twist them into more than what the person meant. Here is a handful of recent examples:

Therapy yesterday:

I was telling C. about my conversation with Match about ED issues, and mentioned that he claimed he hasn't noticed I've gained a few pounds since we started seeing one another 6 months ago. C jotted a note down and said "I agree, I can't tell either. I don't try to pay attention to that on all my clients, but there are some that I'm supposed to pay attention to, and I can tell you I can't tell that you've gained any weight since last fall."

Who decides who she is "supposed" to pay attention to? What is involved in "paying attention", shouldn't this be an issue for all the clients? How does one get oneself flagged and how can I unflag myself? Is she mandated by some higher up to check out the spread of my ass every time I leave her office? I'm really not upset about this, just gave me pause. At first she was weighing me at random times, until I convinced her that this did terrible things to my mindset and made my eating really off-balance for a full 48 hours leading up to all my appointments. Now she trusts me to self-report accurately if asked (I am always honest), and doesn't weigh me in the office. But apparently she "pays attention," whatever that means.

The doctor last month:

When I went in to get my back looked at after my car accident, I mentioned to the doctor (it was an UrgentCare doc, not my normal physician) that I was erring on the side of caution with getting checked out, because I am in recovery from anorexia and have low bone density. He very blatantly looked me up and down and said "Well, you seem to be doing well with that, don't you?" Jeepers mister, thanks. I'm sorry I didn't crawl in on bony hands and knees to make a nicer specimen for you. I should get a note from you to show to C.

Mixed messages, anyone?

And then this gem from Match, who, despite being very caring and insightful, does blunder occasionally:

He was stroking my arm while we were watching a movie, and he put his hand around my bicep and said "Look, I can almost fit my hand around your arm, close but not quite." Poor guy, for a normal girl this may have implied thinness, but it was not too long ago that I could fit my own hand around my arm easily, and a reminder of how much I've "grown" in the past 2 years still feels like a kick in my amplified gut. I think he saw the anguish flash on my face, because he quickly back-pedaled and said "My hand just needs to be bigger, I think," and tried to change the subject. (Actually, his hands are not much bigger than mine, which is disproportionate b/c I have long fingers and wear a size 10 shoe. where was I going with this? Am I still speaking parenthetically? Oy vey). I knew he was just being playful and wasn't thinking about weight issues when he said it. I guess that's a good sign, because it means he's not on eggshells about it all the time.

Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it, and if you can't laugh at least don't dwell. That's what I tell myself, at least. I know that 90% of the time most of these comments are not ill-intentioned at all. And some of the ones I've gotten in the past are pretty damn funny, sometimes the more ignorant the better. I think that if you can make fun of it (it being the ED), to some degree, you can own it and give yourself a little bit of the upper hand (which should NOT fit around your arm!).

Swimmy

I am really not in a good cycle with eating/exercise this week. Hit the gym way too hard yesterday, and eating has been off all week, both with types and amounts of food. I have to leave for a date in a little while, but my head is kind of swimmy and my heart is fluttery--and I don't think these are Match-induced heart flutters. Gah. I am not so good at this sometimes.

Call Me Cowgirl

Having a bit of a rough time of it this week, in terms of body image and exercise stuff. Still generally going along with exercise reduction, but it won't be a sticker week. And have done some food compensating. I don't know why I suddenly feel so huge and unwieldy, because I haven't been much any heavier this week than previously...over the past 6 weeks or so I might have gone up about a pound maybe? It's hard to tell because it varies day to day, natural flux within about a 4 pound range.

I think part of the issue is that I'm supposed to start the pill soon. Supposed to start it yesterday, but I didn't for 2 reasons:

1) I was waiting to see if the Provera would kickstart a period, which so far it hasn't. You are supposed to start the Pill the Sunday after your last period, they package it pretty precisely regarding dates.

2) I am indescribably freaked out about putting stuff in my body that will alter how it runs. No me gusta nada.

In other news, had a little bit of an issue at dinner Saturday night. We'd planned to go to one restaurant, and I was going to do my challenge with ordering a non-salad entree, and had my order pre-picked before we got there...but there was a 40 minute wait, so Match ran over to the restaurant next door to check the wait there. It was only 20 minutes, so he called to tell me he'd put our name on the list, to come on over. ACK.

I had a really hard time. I was thrown off because I wasn't having what I planned, and because I didn't know nutrition facts for the place we ended up eating. And it was a place that had very few things I really consider "safe". (I know, the point is to not think as food as being "safe" or not, but it's a work in progress). So I did end up ordering a salad (although it was a pretty nice salad), and a couple of drinks to loosen up a little bit. Match could tell from my face/body language that I was really struggling over the menu, and he was nice about not rushing me.

I think maybe that whole episode, even though it definitely dampened my evening a bit, turned out for the best. Later that night, he asked me if it had been hard for me, and that opened the door for discussion about that and a few other ED-related things we hadn't talked about before. I also brought up the fact that I've been uncomfortable because I've gained some weight since we first met 6 months ago, and he said he hadn't even noticed. Then I told him I'm nervous I'll gain more starting on the Pill, and his main comment was "Have I given you any indication that will make me think differently of you?" When my answer was no, he said "Well then I don't think it's fair to either of us for you to spend energy worrying about that. Either I'm telling you the truth or the eating disorder is, and I think we know which one of us has your best interest in mind." Validation: 1, Anorexia, 0.

A few posts ago, Laura from Now is Now asked what Match knew about my ED status, which is a really good question. Especially since he's studying psychology and planning to be a therapist in the future. I make a point of NOT taking advantage of his career field and using him as a built in therapist. I think I maybe even talk about it with him less than I would otherwise, specifically to avoid seeming like I want him to help. After we'd been "talking" for a few weeks but before we were officially in a relationship, I gave him the basic info on my situation, (that I'm in recovery, have been dealing with it for X years, where I'm going to therapy, blah blah, some things like that). For example, he knows overexercise is an issue I'm working on, but I never told him I was doing X hours a day or what types of things I was doing. He has taken the "I'm here for you but won't pry" position, which is what I prefer. After dinner I was more relaxed (thank you, sangria!), and the weekend as a whole was good.

Are y'all tired of so many posts coming back to Match these days? Just curious. I am such a feedback hound.

In my last post, I did the "Six Lies and a Truth" meme. In case you missed it, here were my "facts"

1. I am ambidextrous.

2. I have a pet tarantula.

3. At one point in my life, I wanted to be an oncologist.

4. I speak Cantonese.

5. When I was nine years old I was left behind at a rest stop in Florida on a family vacation.

6. I once rode a mechanical bull at a bar in Mexico, but first made my friend trade bottoms with me because I wouldn't sit on it in a skirt.

7. I am allergic to chinchillas.

There were quite a few guesses, and the majority of people picked #2, the pet tarantula. This is not a bad guess, actually, because I am pretty into animals and wildlife and would not be against having one if the opportunity arose (did you know females can live up to 30 years?). But alas, that wasn't the real fact. One person, CG, guessed correctly: it was # 6, the one about the mechanical bull. Yeehaw!

Which is dumber, getting drunk enough to ride the bull in a Mexican bar, or being stone sober and still doing it? In my case it was the latter. Yikes. I was wearing a skirt, but was afraid of getting chlamydia or some as-yet-undiscovered tropical STD from the well-seasoned seat on that bull, so my friend went into the bathroom and swapped bottoms with me. Turns out that she was about 3 sizes bigger than me (this was the summer after my sophomore year of college, when I was working on a megarelapse), so I had to hold the shorts up on my way to mount the bull, and she got a lot of attention after she'd shimmyed into that little skirt! ;)

So CG, you win! I wish I had a prize, I'd give you a sticker if I could. =D

(PS: For those of you who have me on Facebook, there is actually a picture floating around somewhere of me demonstrating my bronco skills)