Catching Up

I've been uberly busy this week, I apologize that I am way behind on blogs, e-mails, and Formspring. Somehow in grad school my workload is actually picking up now that the semester is over, because all the research-related stuff that I pushed aside when classes were in session is now avalanching on me.

Also, a quick apology for being whacked out in my last post. It was a good example of how irresponsible eating habits really make life more difficult. I had gone way too long without eating that day (wasn't restricting, just spaced my meals too far), and when I get hypoglycemic it becomes nearly impossible for me to make decisions or calm myself down if there is some disruption to my schedule. So, Exhibit A for why EDs suck and drain your brain as well as your body. I know for me, being depleted makes me feel even more incapable, mentally, of challenging myself, which is needed to undeplete...and it basically makes recovery feel like trying to turn the Titanic around with a canoe oar. Fortunately those episodes are becoming less and less frequent/severe.

Thinking back almost a week now, I went on a camping trip last Friday-Sunday! And it was awesome. I think I handled the eating pretty well. Meaning I didn't restrict just as a knee-jerk response to being out of routine, didn't get shy about eating in front of other people, etc etc. It was actually a class trip, so there were 14 of us. We were told to bring our own breakfast and lunch stuff, and then a couple of people volunteered to cook dinner for the group in the evenings. I was apprehensive about that, because I as a general rule do NOT eat home-cooked stuff if I'm not the one preparing it . . . control issues out the wazoo, folks.

But you know what? I ate the damn dinners. And I liked them. And I even had the dessert.

Granted, we were melting energy away like an ice cube on the beach. We hiked a couple of hours on Friday afternoon, went on a 4 hour hike Saturday morning (steep terrain, cool weather), then came in for a brief rest and hiked another 3 hours in the afternoon. I was HOOONGRY.

It kind of freaked me out, actually. I hate the feeling of eating what I know is a reasonable meal, and still wanting more afterwards, when I "should" be full. Even though I knew rationally I just burned a ton of calories, I had a hard time allowing myself to break through my typical caloric ceiling. Then I overcompensated by effectively halving my calories on Sunday, which was a BAD decision because my body was trying to recover from the hiking, and it just put me into a not so good place. Then I did the pre-date junk eating on Monday, so is it any wonder I was sort of dangling by a thread by the time Monday night came around?

It felt kind of like when I was first refeeding I would be ravenous less than an hour after a huge meal. I used to get so pissed because I honestly did spend more time hungry while first upping my meal plan than I had when I was severely restricting. But having a responsive metabolism is a good sign!

I had a D appointment this week, and I discussed that issue with her a bit. She pointed out that I have to remember I'm still technically underweight, and so it's normal/expected that when I've gotten physically depleted like that, my body will be hungry even when my stomach has been filled. The way she explained it, a "normal" person has enough reserves to run on so that their body is relatively fueled even if they dip into a calorie deficit for a short time, and once they eat a good meal they're ok. If you don't have enough reserves to pull on, even when your stomach is full, you haven't metabolized the energy yet, and you spend some of it just digesting, a good bit of it repairing damage before really refueling your cells...and so your legs, arms, head, etc are still crying out for help. So, still frustrating but at least having a logical explanation helps me deal with it.

I am really starting to feel like I get less and less out of C appointments each week. I wish I could see D every week and C every other, but C is the one that takes sliding scale fees, and D doesn't.

I have more to say about the trip, but I'm wiped out and have 9834732 other things to do before I can sleep tonight. I hope everyone is having a great week!

I leave you with some overdue Formspring answers:

What is your favorite place in the world and why?

Hmmm...this is hard. I've traveled quite a bit, and it seems like every place has something unique about it that makes it special...
I have been some exotic places, but I think I'd have top pick my grandparent's house as my favorite location, when it comes down to it. They are very special to me, and they live in a really beautiful part of the country with an awesome landscape surrounding them. I am proud that a place like that feels like home. I know I didn't give you details on where that is, sorry if that's a cop out! Identity reasons. My favorite vacation spot has probably been Hawaii, I loved hiking across the Kilauea Iki crater.

You talk about your grandparents a lot. Tell us why they're so awesome! What is one of your favorite memories with them?

They are incredible people, and they are indeed very special to me. Whoever asked this question scores major points! It's hard to list the reasons for their awesomeness. They are incredibly intelligent people: both in their 70s, and they still subscribe to tons of magazines on politics, science, travel, etc etc. I hope I'm half as mentally sharp as they are when I'm that age.
Also, they helped to raise me when I was a small child. After my mom and I ran away from my biological dad, we stayed with them until she remarried a few years later. I think I would probably have major Man Issues if I had not had my grandfather as a positive male figure in my life. I have never for a moment in my life doubted that they would drop everything and go any distance to help me if I were in trouble. Now that their health is poor and they are less and less self-sufficient, I'm happy that I can return the favors by helping them out as much as possible. Although it is indeed bittersweet.
They used to take me on trips with them all the time (even after we moved out of their house), and my favorite memory of them is probably just playing cards and talking about books, nature, life, etc on the many, many plane and car trips that we took. I have never, and will never, ever, ever get tired of spending time with them.
Dear god answering this question actually choked me up.

Change of Plans Vent

Well I was going to have an upbeat post about how awesome my trip this weekend was, and some points on which I did fantastic and some on which I did less so. But right now what I really *need* is a brief vent post.

Match and I had plans for "date night" (which is usually dinner out, then movie night, he stays over and we go to bfast the next morning) on Tuesday. He just realized an assignment he thought was due Friday is actually due Wednesday, so he needs to move date night to Wednesday to get his paper done and turned in by the deadline.

Which is 100% logical, reasonable, and understandable. He is not in trouble here, just to be clear.

My stupid lingering disordered habits are, though. Without going into much detail, I tend to alter my food choices for a day or two leading up to a date, especially an overnight one. And usually it results in me not feeling very great, but on the other hand not being bloated, retaining water, etc on nights I'm going to get together with him. I usually do get in all or most of the calories I'm supposed to be eating, just for the record, it's the specific foods I pick that are different, and I am not really going into detail on that. Just know that it's a ritualized thing with me, and whether it makes a noticeable difference or not, it *feels* necessary.

So, I did that today, anticipating seeing him tomorrow night. And now that event is put off 24 hours, which means I'd "have to" do that again tomorrow AND Wednesday, and I really hate doing it for more than 2 days at a time because it's not good for me and makes me feel like crap.

The obvious answer would be to eat a non-scheming dinner tonight, and eat normally tomorrow and the next day, and to essentially behave like a functional adult. If recovery was as easy as always using the obvious answer, I obviously would have led a fundamentally different life over the past decade.

But there is still a chance we'll get together tomorrow, he wants to see how much he gets done tonight. So I'm sitting here trying to decide what to have for dinner, and have no clue when I'm going on a date, so I'm starving but I don't know what's OK to eat, and I fucking hate eating disorders.

I know what I would tell someone else in this situation, which is to squish the ED and take care of yo body like the gift that it is. But the whole objectivity issue is always, well, an issue, isn't it?

Thanks for letting me vent.

Mishmash Updates

Happy Earth Day, lovelies! I hope everyone had a chance to stop and appreciate nature today. I'm getting ready for a weekend trip and am a little too hectic for a very coherent post, so hang with me.

My mother is apparently offering dates with me to persuade the top students in her class to help her study for finals (for FB friendsies, you can see her post about it on my wall). Apparently she's had a couple of takers . . . she probably would have offered dates with herself if she were younger and unmarrieder, but apparently using me as a substitute her is close enough. ;p

This weekend (I'll be on a camping trip with a group of other grad students) is going to present some challenging eating situations. We're supposed to bring our own food for breakfasts/lunches, and a couple of people volunteered to cook for everyone at dinnertime. I have a general idea of what we'll be having every night, but am still a bit anxious about this. On the other hand, we'll be doing some cool activities and I know I want to have energy to enjoy it. So going to try to buckle down and play normal, it's just 3 days...

I had to go buy new sports bras today. Birth control, I worship thee.

It occurred to me today that I can't remember the last time I ate meat. It's been a week, maybe? This is NOT a disordered thing or even a conscious decision, I've just been using a lot of alternative proteins this week without even thinking about it.

Just one more class left of the semester! Although now that I'm in grad school, my workload doesn't change significantly when classes are over. Oh well.

Ok, still have some last minute packing to do, and I'm starting to doze off over keyboard. I hope everyone has a fantabulous weekend!

What are your top 5 favorite books and why?

Many of my favorite books are nonfiction, but I'm still a bit antsy about revealing too much about my research interests, so I'll stick with fiction for this list. It's so hard to narrow it down to 5...and as for the why, what I typically enjoy about a book is something that makes you think, as simple as that sounds. The books below all provided plenty of food for thought that my mind continues to toy with even years afterwards.

1) The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

2) To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

3) The Great Santini by Pat Conroy

4) The Baroque Cycle series by Neal Stephenson

5) Life of Pi by Yann Martel

Baby, the way it works is...

So, another episode from the Comical Family Text files. Background: last week was super stressful, because not only did I have the Symposium of Death, but I was on placebo week for my BC pills and thus doing the menstruation thing for the first time in my LIFE. So this is what I sent to my mom on my way into the event Saturday morning:

Cammy: My heels are blistering my feet, I can't breathe when I sit down in this skirt, I have a mascara flake in my contact lens, and I have been bleeding for six days straight. I'm gonna punch the next man that I see.

Mom: Baby, the way it works is that even if you don't have a *reason* to punish a man, chances are he DID do something to deserve it that you just haven't found out about yet.

Words of wisdom . . . and apologies to any male readers, you know I love y'all!

I've been honored with a blog award from the lovely Rachael over at Ruby Converse and Curls:

1) What physical feature do you love about yourself?

I like my eye color. And I have always thought I had nice shoulders, even though I don’t really know what it is that makes a shoulder nice. And although I often voice frustrations about my hair, I’m actually glad it’s mine. It’s kind of like a mischievous child that you can’t help but love…

2) How do you personally take care of yourself?

Hmmm, good question. I have gotten much better about “using my voice” to speak up when I need something or if something is bothering me. For a long time I was very timid and submissive and pretty much just played doormat. I've found that people do respect honesty, and speaking up about something is the best way to just get it addressed and move on, rather than putting up with less than tolerable conditions, which strain any situation/relationship.

Another one: even on really bad body days, I stick to my meal plan. I still do have slip-ups at times, I won’t claim to be perfect, but in general I just put on my big girl face and do what I know I need to, because I have learned that putting myself into a state of deprivation just gets me even more whacked out and unable to deal.

3)What are you looking forward to?

Summer travels! I’ve got 4 states and 2 foreign countries on my itinerary for the next few months.

4) Who has aided your recovery the most?

The psychologist (H) I saw when I was at my undergrad school. I don’t know if I’d be here today if she hadn’t been so patient and persistent with me, honestly. I was not an easy patient at first, but she refused to fire me like the previous therapists, and helped me to get into the mindset of truly wanting to get better. No one can “save you” from an ED, but having the right resources at the right time can make such a world of difference in the journey.

5) What was the very last thing you ate?

Well the exact last thing that was in my mouth was a Life-Saver. But the last “real food” I had was a rice/black beans/sunflower nut butter concoction I invented. I used to have a big hang up about not mixing foods, but over the past few months I seem to have moved past that, I’ve been experimenting with a lot of combo bowls lately.

6) What is one material thing you are dying to have right now?

A new digital camera! Mine is about 5 years old now, and I really need something with better specs for taking close-ups of small things I find while hiking.

7) If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

I want to see the Great Barrier Reef, because I don’t think it is going to make it out of my lifetime intact.

8)What is/was your biggest fear food, and how will/did you conquer it?

I still don’t eat pasta in restaurants. I actually LOVE pasta and cook it all the time at home, but there are still some control freakish issues going on here. Dating Match has gotten me way more experienced/comfortable with restaurant eating, and I’m slowly working up to challenging myself with some pasta orders.

9)What are your dreams for after ED?

To be able to live in the moment and not have to “check in” with the disorder before making every decision!

10) What advice would you give to someone concerning eating disorders?

Even when it seems hopeless, it’s not.

One last random item, and then I'm back to working on my paper:

I got a Formspring question relevant to the text conversation with my 17 year old brother that I linked to above (here's the link again if you don't want to scroll for it, and here's a post with a bit of background on his situation, which is also referenced in this question, and another funny text convo). Remember I am Cammy4B on both Formspring and Twitter.

You shared a hilarious text conversation on your blog a while ago, where you and one of your brothers were joking about therapists. You mentioned that your brother was struggling with depression. How is he doing?

He seems to have good days and bad, although I don't think his lows are as low as they were a year or so ago. For a while my mom was keeping all her medicines locked up, because she was afraid of how desperate he seemed. His girlfriend does not have a very stable home life, and I think that he feels quite a bit of pressure to fill in for everyone in her life that has disappointed her, which is an impossible burden. So his moods seem to be tightly correlated to hers. They decided against medication, and he is still seeing a therapist twice a month. He is insanely intelligent and insightful, yet he has rock bottom self-esteem. I wish I knew how to fix that for him, but then again I know from experience that no one can ever "fix" anyone else, they have to grow into health themselves. I am hoping that once he gets into college, and is in a more intellectual environment (not dealing with school bus bullies, etc), he will come into his own a bit more. Thanks for the thoughtful question!

Matching and Marriage and Babies, Oh My

Match and I don't bicker often, but we got into a bit of a disagreement this weekend that I'm still simmering about a little bit. The only reason I am bringing it up on here was that it was related to ED stuff. I think I mentioned before that even though he's a psych major, he had some big misconceptions about EDs, basically what he interpreted/retained from a very cursory coverage in a general psych class.

It came up when he was telling me about a psych evaluation test he'd learned about in class, and developed into a discussion on diagnostic criteria for EDs. I tried to get across that the weight "requirements" for AN are misguided and often ignored by people with real experience treating EDs, that the DSM is outdated, etc, but I felt like he wasn't listening to me, he just kept reiterating what the DSM says.

And I was quite pissed. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it so personally, I don't know. It wasn't even just the ED issue, it was that I felt more than a little invalidated that he didn't seem to be open to my ideas/opinions on an issue with which I've had a lot of experience. We've patched things up over it, he later insisted he WAS listening and doesn't necessarily agree with the DSM, he was just telling me what it said, but it still seems like kind of an eggshell patch to tiptoe around. It just bothers me that we're this close, and he's known me this long, yet he could still have such big misconceptions about the ED. That's not entirely his fault, as he never really learned about them in school and isn't aiming towards that "kind" of psych for his career. Also, I still don't volunteer much info about how I'm doing or day to day challenges, so of course what he knows comes mainly from the few official definitions he's read. I understand that, which is why I was disappointed when my attempts to explain it more betterer didn't exactly succeed. I know there are a lot of misconceptions about EDs floating around, but I think that having trouble articulating to people you are close to is especially isolating.

On the topic of relationships and such, a couple of relevant questions from Formspring. I am having a superbusy week, so please don't be offended if it takes me a few days to get to your question, they mean a lot to me so keep them coming! By the way, Lisa asked in a comment on an earlier post if Match's name reflects how I met him. In fact it does. I NEVER thought I'd do one of those dating sites, but it wasn't a bad experience (obviously). I moved to a new city in August and joined Match.com for just one month, to meet new people in my area, I was open to just finding friends as well as maybe something else. I wouldn't have met Match otherwise, so it was worth it!

Do you ever want to get married? Do you think you will marry Match?

I can't entirely rule it out, because you never know what will happen...but getting married is definitely neither a priority nor a goal of mine. Even though I've done a lot of opening up and breaking down walls with Match, I still have a hard time fathoming living a life THAT entwined with someone else. I'm not criticizing marriage, of course, I think it's awesome when people find that Someone to connect and spend their lives with, I just have a hard time picturing it for myself...and I really enjoy Match and care about him quite a bit, but I don't predict that we'll be making that step.

Do you want to have kids one day? If so, are you worried about your potential future daughter(s) developing an eating disorder?

No, and partly because the answer to the second question would be yes. Well, I can't blame it all on that. I am extremely passionate about my work and career, and unfortunately the lifestyle involved in building a solid academic career in my field is not conducive to family building. It involves a lot of travel and long hours, with little money or benefits, during prime reproductive years. Also, I've never really had a strong maternal desire, honestly. I hope it doesn't make me seem like a bad person to admit that. G. fulfills any caretaking urges I have, and he doesn't outgrow his clothes every month. I think babies are fine, and love that some people have them, but the thought of having one of my own seems unfathomable. Seriously, a real live human, dependent on ME? Of course I could take care of it, but I'd be so paranoid about doing something wrong, screwing it up for life, being blamed for years of therapy and angsty lashing out in later years. I have a fantastic mom, but I still barely made it out of middle school with my life, and sanity was just forgone. And 2 out of her 3 kids are currently in therapy (to be addressed in an upcoming Formspring answer). Wtf?

Which leads into the second part of the question. IF, hypothetically, something random and unexpected happened and I did end up producing a child, I'd definitely want it to be a boy. Not just for ED issues, I feel like girls are tricky in a lot of ways. But ED risk would be a factor (not that it's not a risk for boys, my youngest brother has had some eating issues in the past also). I have eating disorders on both sides of my family tree, in addition to multiple alcoholics in every generation on both sides of said metaphorical arbor. My mom dealt with OCD when she was younger, depression peppers the family, including my brother (although my brothers are "only" half brothers, I always have to remind myself of that because I don't think of them that way). Plus I am pitifully nearsighted (trying to psych myself up for Lasik b/c contacts are a pain in the field) and have rather unruly hair and a horrible singing voice. In a nutshell, if I accomplish nothing else in life, my leaving this planet without spawning offspring should be seen as an achievement for the betterment of the human race.

(Disclaimer: The opinions voiced here apply to ME only. I am not implying that I think ED sufferers shouldn't have kids, that is not the case. People with EDs tend to be highly intelligent and responsible, among other things. So please don't read this as judgment on anyone else for having/wanting babies. Everyone deserves a family. I'm aware that it's one of those "I'm an exception to the rule" situations).

EDIT: It just occured to me that the title of this post could give people the initial idea that the post holds some BIG life announcements about myself and Match. Sorry to disappoint! ;)

Surviving the Massacre

I am scarred. Yesterday's thesis proposal session was a massacre. I'm going to have nightmares for weeks. The gist of the event was that all the first year graduate students stand up in front of all the faculty and other grad students in the department and give a presentation with the background info, research goals, methods, and "broader implications" (read: why should anyone care about this) of their project. All in 10 minutes. Followed by a 10 minute Q&A period in which you are grilled and torn apart so you can go put back together a better version of yourself. Or quit and flip burgers for the rest of your life.

And oh lawdy. I am usually very comfortable doing public speaking, and I am confident in my grasp of my research, so I wasn't terribly nervous. But then the thing actually started. It would have been fine except for ONE professor that seemed intent on turning it into a bloodbath. He is one of those hyperintelligent people that could be extremely helpful with constructive criticism, except he gets perverse pleasure out of giving DESTRUCTIVE criticism. There's one in every audience, I guess...and I am totally aware that the point of these things is to give feedback, I've been to similar events before, but for some reason this guy just gets off on being the academic grim reaper. Afterwards, I overheard other faculty saying he had crossed the line.

So Student 1 goes up and is eviscerated. Student 2 is crucified. Student 3 looked like he would have rather been waterboarded. In several cases, the student's adviser actually spoke up to try to save them, which isn't the norm, but Prof X blew them off.

At this point every 1st year grad student in the room is holding back bile and fighting off tunnel vision. I literally heard someone's teeth chattering. Our comrades were dropping like flies, our little academic worlds were crumbling before our eyes, and we each had to just sit there waiting to be the next lamb led to slaughter...

My turn was right in the middle of the session, so I sat through about half of these before I came forth to assume the podium. I had been really confident before, but after witnessing the fall of those before me I was really completely panicked. When I got up there I was so shakey that I couldn't use the damn laser pointer, because it bobbled all over the screen. I was so freaked out trying to anticipate what X was going to ask me that I stumbled on several of my slides, completely blanking on what I had planned to say. Or really how I had planned to say it. I knew what I was trying to communicate, but felt like my mind wasn't quiet enough for me to get it out as eloquently as I'd practiced.

I managed to salvage it and get through, and overall it probably wasn't a bad presentation. I even got compliments afterwards. But it was NOT, I repeat NOT up to my standards. No, I didn't have a heart attack or faint or step on the cable and disconnect the A/V (someone did that!), but I wasn't satisfied. I know many will read this and think "Aha, perfectionist! Disordered!" But seriously. I am not terribly confident about a lot of things, but one thing I know that I do well is give slam-dunk presentations. I am normally confident, comfortable, and enthusiastic enough to get the audience right where I want them. And this had been my big chance to impress the department with my study.

So I was pretty disappointed in myself, to say the least. As soon as I sat down, all I wanted to do was hop back up and say "Wait, let me do that over the way I intended to!"

And the ironic thing is, the questions were the part that freaked me out enough to mess up during the talk itself, but I had an amazingly easy time with my post-presentation interrogation. I even got a question from X, but it was one that I was able to answer cogently and point out that it had been accounted for in my methodology. BAM, Prof X, now go home and eat babies or whatever it is you do in your free time.

Ok.....on a brighter note, I did have sexy shoes, which I shall show you, per Sarah's request. ;)

And just for laughs (I need one!!!) here you get an outtake from G, who thinks that the only reason people ever get on floor-level is to give him a belly rub. Here he is, messing up my shot to tell me he wants to collect his due. Or maybe he heard some lovely ladies had been discussing him in the blogosphere and wanted to pose? ;)

And finally, a couple of questions from Formspring:

You've mentioned your biological dad in passing a few times. Still in contact with him, and what does he know about your ED?

He knows nothing about the ED. We are in e-mail contact a few times a year, but I have not seen him since I was 8. And I have no desire to ever see him again. I know I sound bitter and unforgiving, but if you knew him you'd feel the same way.

What is the single most important material thing to you?

This is difficult, because the few really meaningful material things that I own are meaningful in such different ways. Can I pick family photo albums? Or I have another candidate: I had a fantastic adviser in college that died at the end of my junior year. I became pretty close to many of my professors over the years, and they threw me a party for my graduation. As my gift, they gave me the last book that my late adviser had authored, and everyone in the department had signed it and written really sweet messages to me about how much they'd liked working with me and wishing me good luck in the future. I was unbelievably touched. That book is definitely one of my most prized possessions.

Bad News, Sexy Shoes, and I Ain't Tellin You's

Hey y'all. I'm having a pretty down day. Got the news that Match will officially be moving 11 hours away in the fall for grad school (we were holding out hope he'd get accepted somewhere closer). That's part of life as grad students, unfortunately.

I have been kind of ambivalent about food, having an uncomfortable body day, etc. Bad body days are coming less and less frequently, luckily, so I guess I'd kind of forgotten how much they suck. I have learned that they pass and are usually unrelated to my actual size/weight, trying to ride it out.

I'm on placebo week from the Pill and I MISS it. I was a basket case about starting it, but totally love it now. Makes my skin and boobies so much nicer. Also, remember I had never menstruated before starting the pill, so this effing bleeding for days at a time is still new to me and not really a thrill ride. I am going to have to skip the placebos when I'm out doing my field research, wandering around the jungle smelling like a wounded animal for a week is asking for trouble. TMI, TMI, moving right along...

Big professional event happening tomorrow, at which I'll be subjected to public scrutiny in front of the entire department (faculty and grad students). It's a rite of passage, and all the other 1st year grad students are in the same boat. I do have sexy shoes to wear, which helps.

Formspring produceth:

What one thing are you exceptionally good at?

I am a fantabulous tree-climber.

What was your lowest weight? How much weight have you gained in recovery and are you still trying to?

I don't think that sharing that would have any healthy result for either me or the readers, so I shall demure instead of divulging. In other words, I ain't tellin'. I will tell you that I was low enough that it damn near killed me, and have absolutely no desire to weigh anywhere near that ever again. I have gained a significant amount in recovery. My weight is still not quite up to where my team wants it, but I'm healthy and stable enough that they're focusing more on normalizing behaviors than boosting calories, to try to get me settled into a healthy lifestyle so that my weight will follow. I will tell you I'm at the highest weight I've ever been in my life, due to the fact that I started with AN when I was pre-adolescent. One major challenge in recovery has been that I couldn't go "back" to my pre-ED body, and it was pretty anxiety inducing to go forward and not have any idea what my body would end up like.

One other thing I will mention about weight, because it is something that I think can be an issue for many people: when I started gaining weight, eating X calories, I was afraid that as long as I ate X calories, I'd keep gaining weight. Forever. This is NOT true. I hit a plateau roughly every 5 pounds or so, and couldn't budge above it until I made an additional change in my lifestyle. The calories-in-calories-out calculations, like the ones that tell you however many extra grapes per day add up to however many extra pounds per year, which accumulates year after year, is simply not reality. Your body is smarter than that.

Puppy Love

Latest from Formspring:

When did you get G? Can you tell us about your history together and has he affected your recovery in any way or is he just a great sidekick?

Whoever asked this just scored MAJOR points in my book, because G. is very special to me and I'm touched that someone showed interest in him!!!

I got G. in the summer of 2005, just before starting college. He came from a breed rescue group, and was pulled from a shelter the same day he was scheduled to be euthanized. He had been terribly beaten, starved, and otherwise mistreated, in addition to being adopted out and returned 2 or 3 times. In other words, he was a fixer-upper. He had severe anxiety issues, and I debated with myself over whether I could handle his problems. For some reason, though, I just had to have him. I looked at other dogs that were healthier and had less "baggage", but G. was the one that I connected with, and so G. became mine (and vice versa).

He is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. There were some challenging times in the first few months, but his anxiety issues have improved by orders of magnitude. He just needed to learn some trust. He was very afraid of people at one point, but now he is a total ham. He lets kids climb all over him, and meets guests at the door with a ball in his mouth. He is still clingy: I call him my "velcro dog" because he's rarely more than about 3 feet away from me. His personality is a perfect fit for me. He is a largish breed with high energy demands, but he is actually very calm. He's perfectly happy to be quiet and still for hours while I study, as long as he can be next to me.

How G has affected my recovery: getting G. was a big milestone for me, because suddenly there was something that totally depended on me being healthy and functional enough to take care of him. I got him the first week after I moved out of my parents' house, so it was also a time of major transition. My family had a dog, but it was different than the one-on-one partnership that you develop with a pet when you live on your own. Also, I lived in an apartment without a yard, so he was dependent on me walking him around town to get his exercise. This definitely prompted me into the habit of fueling myself better. At that point I was eating *very* few calories a day, and starting the new lifestyle with G. spurred me to slowly start increasing the size and frequency of my food intake. Getting out with him was also a great icebreaker for meeting people in my new neighborhood, and we quickly became pretty recognizable around town (he is a very handsome, striking dog!).

I will admit that I have definitely used him, at times, to facilitate my overexercise habits. I absolutely enjoy his walks, but they're also part of my ritualized exercise "requirement" every day. There have been times when it was really too hot, cold, rainy, etc for us to be out, but I still did the forced march with him. I feel terrible about that, thinking back, because I know he trusts me and would do whatever I ask, even if it's harmful to him.

But if I didn't have G., I would just have found some other exercise routine in place of those walks, of course.

Overall he has DEFINITELY affected my recovery in a positive way. I can think of so many times when I would have gone entire days without smiling if it weren't for his goofy antics. He is a very dignified looking breed, but inside he is a total clown. He is very perceptive about my emotions, and definitely sticks even closer when I'm upset or stressed. Petting and talking to him really calms me down when I'm anxious about something. There were times when I was going through VERY dark periods and really just not wanting to be around any more, but being responsible for him was a big factor that held me back from doing anything drastic. He had been abandoned and mistreated so many times in his past, and I didn't want to be just another person to disappear from his life.

One of the best things about getting healthier has been having more energy to play spontaneous games with G, race him to and from the mailbox, etc. I remember about a year and a half ago, still in the early stages of my therapy/weight gain, a song came on the radio and I just randomly danced around the house with him. He was surprised and so happy to be having fun, he always gets excited when I laugh. It was definitely a rewarding episode that has stuck with me as motivation to this day. (Ok, just went back and dug up the post that originally mentioned that event. It's so weird to read my thoughts from that long ago).

It is INCREDIBLY tempting to post pictures to show off my boy, I promise you he is gorgeous! But since he is virtually always with me, and he is rather striking, showing him off is almost the same as putting pix of myself, it would definitely be identifiable...those of you that have me on Facebook, I encourage you to go admire G. photos in honor of this Q&A. ;)

D Recap and Mid-Week Positives

So it is apparent that D is going to handle this feud/rivalry thing much more professionally than C. She didn't even give any indication there had been an issue, in fact. C, however, did make a slightly snide comment or two today. Interesting, because D is much younger than C (C is in her late 30's, D could be anywhere from 7-12 years younger). As we concluded last time, oookay.

I really like D, partly because she gives me pretty blunt reality checks when I need it. She brought up the exercise challenges, and pointed out that while I've had some success with reducing time, that has stagnated, and I still haven't broken much of the pattern mindset, which is the most important part. She wants me to take ALL of Sunday off. This would actually be a good day to do it, since I have plans with Match that will keep me occupied for much of the day...we'll see. I know logically that taking a whole day off is the same as two half days, and she didn't specify how many of those I had to do, so it's not any "worse" than earlier challenges...but somehow just doing no formal exercise (I could still walk G, I think, but it's hard to not think of that disorderedly because I usually count it with my exercise totals) seems like such a no-no. Which is why it's a challenge, of course.

D also addressed the fact that my dinners are okish calorie-wise (for someone my age/height, not necessarily my activity level, insert another lecture here), but she doesn't like my food choices in the evening: not "real" enough. The reason I bring this up is because I liked her way of illustrating the point: If I invited someone over for dinner, would I serve them cereal, or Powerbars, or something like that for a meal? Of course not. This seems to go back to the whole "treating yourself like you'd treat others" issue. She acknowledged I'm a hella busy and hella broke college student, and said snacky/quick meals are okay at times, but not the majority of the time. She thinks (accurately, I suspect), that picking things that need little or no prep/creativity, and therefore little thought, are a way for me to avoid dealing with food when I am tired and lacking motivation at the end of the day. Not that I particularly feel deprived on cereal, bars, etc, I do enjoy those things and don't necessarily see yogurt and Larabars as self-punishment, but I do also see her point. Apparently anorexia took away my privilege of being an irresponsible/casual college eater.

From Formspring (I have no idea why the font is different sizes, I spent a lot of time and profanity trying to fix it and was ultimately defeated):

How tall are you?

5'7"

Are you afraid of dying?

No, I can't say that I am, honestly. Not that I want to die, but the thought doesn't really bother or scare me. I don't believe in an afterlife, and I think the idea of a permanent sleep seems pretty peaceful.

Random positive items of interest:

-My thesis adviser is AWESOME.

-Match makes me feel pretty.

-One of my favorite parts of recovery is being able to lick the knife (carefully!) when I make a peanut butter sandwich.

-I played a random game of tag with G in the yard today, and it was such a blast. It reminded me of all the times I was too tired to really play with him, besides our forced-march walks that I timed obsessively, and I am so glad that we don't live like that anymore.

You Ask, I Answer

A couple more questions from Formspring:

Who would win in a fight: pirates or ninjas?

It depends, are these regular ninjas or Ninja Turtles? Cowabunga...

Why do you blog? Has it helped your recovery do you think? Does Match know of your blog?

I started blogging because writing is extremely therapeutic for me. Sometimes it's really the only way I can sort out the mess of thoughts swirling inside my cranium. Why not just journal? I have belonged to a few recovery forums in the past, and ended up leaving all of them (got to the point where I felt like it was not helping me), but knew that there ARE people out there seeking a positive community for support in recovery. I also knew from experience that it can be incredibly helpful to find people to identify with, to validate the problems and help you to see them more objectively. I chose to document my recovery publicly, also, because there is so much uncertainty in giving up an ED. I know there are people out there reading who haven't mustered the courage to the first (or second, or third, etc) steps toward getting healthy, but who desperately *want* to. I guess I thought that by writing about my experience honestly, it might help even one person see that while the whole process may not always be fun, it is indeed doable and INCREDIBLY worth it in the end. I try to hit on issues that do/did cause me great anxiety, like discussing the birth control, because it needs to be talked about and it's important for people to know that they are not alone in their fears or worries.

Also, I have found an AMAZING community online, I can honestly say I don't think I'd have come this far if it hadn't been for the great comments and support I've gotten. I can't believe it's been almost 2 years! I am constantly impressed with the people I've met through this recovery blog community.

Finally, Match does not know about this blog, and neither does anyone else in my "real life." There are a few bloggers that know who I am non-Cammy, but those are people that I met either through this blog or through an earlier recovery forum. I have tossed around the idea of opening up to friends at various times, but have never wanted to in the end. It's not that I have much to hide; those that I'm closest to definitely know about the ED. But I do think it would affect, even if only slightly, how candid and unselfconscious I can be in my writing. The main reason I am pseudonymous is for professional reasons; I started this blog just prior to my senior year of college, when I was applying to graduate schools, and was hyper aware that Very Important People would soon be Googling me. When I finish my Master's and go for my PhD, and then for jobs in my professional career, I'll be in the same boat, so privacy is ultra-important to me.

Team Tensions

So I am picking up on some very thinly veiled tensions between my therapist (C) and my dietitian (D). I have always thought they might not be huge fans of each other. (Just for background, they both work at the same ED outpatient clinic, along with two main psychologists and several other LCSWs). In addition to being a bit wary of each other, they haven't always been on the same page: they have given me entirely different statements/views on things like metabolism, birth control, etc. I've been around the block with this enough times, and am enough of an independent thinker (cough, don't always follow advice anyway, cough) that this hasn't seemed to have held me back any. But it is rather intriguing, especially for someone like me, that gets very fascinated with observing dynamics between people.

Before, I was doing food and exercise records for D, but C was doing my exercise challenge goals with me every week. I only see D twice a month (although tomorrow will be my first appointment with her for four weeks, due to Spring Break and other scheduling issues). I feel like I'll be much more likely to stick to stuff if I'm held accountable for it every week, so I like doing them with C. Apparently they had a bit of a tense discussion about it (from what I gathered from C, haven't seen D since before they had the talk), and D thinks C was overstepping her territory by doing exercise issues, and wants it clear that she does all the food, exercise, and basically anything with numbers. Oookay. Plenty of disorderality to go around, folks, no need to get possessive! Also, if I'm not supposed to talk about food or exercise with C, what do we talk about? She's an LCSW, not a psychologist (I don't mean to characterize all LCSWs here, I have a sample size of 1), and seems much more goal-action oriented compared to H., who liked to spend a lot of time unwinding and organizing my thoughts about not just the ED but life in general.

The "time spent exercising" per day is the only number I report to C regularly. She has never wanted to see my food records, and doesn't weigh me (neither does D, they wanted to at first until I convince them, truthfully, that weigh-ins really trigger unhealthy behavior in me for days leading up to an appointment).

I sometimes wonder about this, because I know C is recovered from an ED too . . . does she avoid the numbers stuff on purpose, just to minimize any triggers or competitiveness? I don't know if D has ever had an ED, since I see her less, I feel like I don't know her as well and haven't been brave enough to pose such a personal question.

I can tell C is frustrated, because she kind of rolls her eyes and is dismissive when D comes up. Last week, D passed us in the hallway as we were leaving C's office, and she said hi to me but wouldn't even make eye contact with C. I reiterate: Oookay.

So I don't really like the arrangement with switching exercise out of C's realm. The thing is, though, I REALLY like D. Personality-wise, we might actually be more compatible than I am with C. The fact that I've stuck with her says a lot: in the past I've always been hugely frustrated with dietitians and never felt like I got much out of the experience. But she seems to read me very well, to have a sense for what I need/don't need from her. (I used to get majorly frustrated at paying $75 an hour for someone to sit there and calculate servings for me. After 10 years of anorexia and a college degree in science, I can calculate stuff in my sleep, I assure you). At this stage of my ED, my calorie intake level is pretty decent, it's the exercise and some disordered patterns that still need work, and she's great with helping me to see more rational ways of approaching my relationship with food, not as much the food itself. I appreciate that she gets that, and always feel like she has insightful advice.

Since this little issue has flared up recently, it reminded me of an odd comment C made back in September, just before my first appointment with D. She told me that "Off the record, I'm very interested in hearing what you think of D." I thought that was a bit weird, but Okay'd her . . . and then when I had a positive report later, she said that was great and let the issue drop. Now, looking back, it seems as if they might have had some issues in the past as well, I doubt if C's comment came out of nowhere.

Has anyone else dealt with treatment team members that didn't seem to agree or get along?

(Just a reminder, my lovelies, I am Cammy4B on both Twitter and Formspring!)

I am Human, Hear Me Roar

Ok, the prodigal Formspring post:

What, for you, is the single hardest part of recovery?

Learning that I am a real person. Sounds silly, I know, but it's true. What I mean by that is that I had to learn that what is ok for other people (eating regular meals, not trying to burn every calorie consumed, getting decent sleep, etc) is indeed ok for me too. So often with eating disorders, we treat our bodies and minds like machines, subjecting them to really terrible treatment that we would never in a million years impose on others. We know, intellectually, roughly how much a person "should" eat, and that exercising X hours is not ok, and would be quick to advise others against it. But there are nearly always objectivity issues, where for some reason we treat ourselves as exceptions to the rules of self-care.

Along the same lines, I had to learn that what I see in myself is not necessarily what others see. Not that I think confidence should be gained from other's perceptions, I don't believe/promote that at all, but it did help me to realize that everyone in the world was not as hyper-aware of every ounce I gained as I was, that I'm valued for my personality and not my jeans size, etc etc. All of that seems obvious and intuitive, but for me it took (and still is taking) such a long time to admit to myself that I am a person that deserves to be treated with the same care I'd show to a friend.

Checking Back In

Back home. Pretty melancholy couple of days, I cried all the way to the airport yesterday. I loved the trip, but catching up with everyone in Old City also served as a reminder of how truly lonely I am in New City.

When I get upset, I get bad stomachaches. Been dealing with that all day yesterday and today. Still eating, but not that excited about it.

I was proud of myself for doing so well with ignoring ED on my trip, but have to admit I was a little anxious to weigh myself when I got home. I KNOW I was only gone for two nights, and it's impossible to make a big weight gain in that time, but I won't deny I was still interested to see. I guess, even though I felt great about how I was doing while I was gone, some small part of me still worried about the "consequences" later. And to my surprise, this morning (got home late last night) it was the lowest it's been in weeks. Of course there is variation and it won't pan out to be a significant permanent loss, but I was surprised. I ballparked my calories enough to know I'd had about the same I usually do on each day of my trip.

This is NOT to convey that losing weight on a trip is desirable, or that gaining in recovery is a negative thing. But I share this stuff sometimes because I know that there are people reading that may have similar anxieties, and may feel better knowing that a few days of "free ranging" (eating healthy yet uncalculated and giving up usual exercise) won't be catastrophic. At some points my fear/anxiety about such trips really convinced me that somehow I'd gain a lot of weight overnight if I deviated from my routine at all. It ain't so, my friends, and I just wanted to offer my anecdote as evidence.

I answered another Formspring question, but for some reason it seems to take a long time to publish my answers, so I don't have that to share yet. Does it do that to anyone else? Look for it coming in another post soon.

Thanks so much for all the support, you guys rock.

Trip Dispatch

This trip has been incredible. I don't want to go home tomorrow.

I have eaten out every meal, and several between meal get-togethers.

And I had real food, and I enjoyed it.

And I got to go by and see my long-lost H today, which was really nice. I still prefer her vastly over C, but oh well.

And you know how much formal exercise I have done in the past few days? Guess how many minutes?

Zero, zilch, nada.

And I'm fine with that. I've done a lot of walking, which has helped, but no specific intentional exercise.

I've been too busy enjoying the people here to really worry about any of that.

This is weird, but it's also fun to play normal.

Brief Briefing

Brief notes on the State of the World of Cammy:

Happy Easter!

Leaving for a trip tomorrow, and for once I am feeling minimal travel anxiety. I am going to a place that I know, to see people I love and miss like hell. I am looking forward to it so much I could literally burst. Every single meal will involve eating out with people, but I'm feeling fine about that. I packed food for the travel day, because that's when I'm most tempted to restrict.

And I went to an Easter party today and ate like a sort of normal person, maybe like a normal picky person. And Match and I went out to eat later anyway. And I did well. This is indeed getting easier as time goes on.

Love y'all!

Over the Limit

"I had been fooled by water voices, and my imagination, prodded by weariness and boredom, had expanded on them....so committed was I to persevering in spite of my disabilities that I had pushed myself over the limit. Exhaustion is no barrier to destiny, but it can be a signal to back off and recheck, rethink what has already happened. Exhaustion can also be a protector by preventing you from being overwhelmed by the cause. This was something I was to learn too many times--always for the sake of the same cause."

~Jim McMullen

I think one of the keys to recovery is realizing that just because you can push yourself to Point X, doesn't mean that you should, and that exhaustion is a signal, not a reward.