Catching Up

I've been uberly busy this week, I apologize that I am way behind on blogs, e-mails, and Formspring. Somehow in grad school my workload is actually picking up now that the semester is over, because all the research-related stuff that I pushed aside when classes were in session is now avalanching on me.

Also, a quick apology for being whacked out in my last post. It was a good example of how irresponsible eating habits really make life more difficult. I had gone way too long without eating that day (wasn't restricting, just spaced my meals too far), and when I get hypoglycemic it becomes nearly impossible for me to make decisions or calm myself down if there is some disruption to my schedule. So, Exhibit A for why EDs suck and drain your brain as well as your body. I know for me, being depleted makes me feel even more incapable, mentally, of challenging myself, which is needed to undeplete...and it basically makes recovery feel like trying to turn the Titanic around with a canoe oar. Fortunately those episodes are becoming less and less frequent/severe.

Thinking back almost a week now, I went on a camping trip last Friday-Sunday! And it was awesome. I think I handled the eating pretty well. Meaning I didn't restrict just as a knee-jerk response to being out of routine, didn't get shy about eating in front of other people, etc etc. It was actually a class trip, so there were 14 of us. We were told to bring our own breakfast and lunch stuff, and then a couple of people volunteered to cook dinner for the group in the evenings. I was apprehensive about that, because I as a general rule do NOT eat home-cooked stuff if I'm not the one preparing it . . . control issues out the wazoo, folks.

But you know what? I ate the damn dinners. And I liked them. And I even had the dessert.

Granted, we were melting energy away like an ice cube on the beach. We hiked a couple of hours on Friday afternoon, went on a 4 hour hike Saturday morning (steep terrain, cool weather), then came in for a brief rest and hiked another 3 hours in the afternoon. I was HOOONGRY.

It kind of freaked me out, actually. I hate the feeling of eating what I know is a reasonable meal, and still wanting more afterwards, when I "should" be full. Even though I knew rationally I just burned a ton of calories, I had a hard time allowing myself to break through my typical caloric ceiling. Then I overcompensated by effectively halving my calories on Sunday, which was a BAD decision because my body was trying to recover from the hiking, and it just put me into a not so good place. Then I did the pre-date junk eating on Monday, so is it any wonder I was sort of dangling by a thread by the time Monday night came around?

It felt kind of like when I was first refeeding I would be ravenous less than an hour after a huge meal. I used to get so pissed because I honestly did spend more time hungry while first upping my meal plan than I had when I was severely restricting. But having a responsive metabolism is a good sign!

I had a D appointment this week, and I discussed that issue with her a bit. She pointed out that I have to remember I'm still technically underweight, and so it's normal/expected that when I've gotten physically depleted like that, my body will be hungry even when my stomach has been filled. The way she explained it, a "normal" person has enough reserves to run on so that their body is relatively fueled even if they dip into a calorie deficit for a short time, and once they eat a good meal they're ok. If you don't have enough reserves to pull on, even when your stomach is full, you haven't metabolized the energy yet, and you spend some of it just digesting, a good bit of it repairing damage before really refueling your cells...and so your legs, arms, head, etc are still crying out for help. So, still frustrating but at least having a logical explanation helps me deal with it.

I am really starting to feel like I get less and less out of C appointments each week. I wish I could see D every week and C every other, but C is the one that takes sliding scale fees, and D doesn't.

I have more to say about the trip, but I'm wiped out and have 9834732 other things to do before I can sleep tonight. I hope everyone is having a great week!

I leave you with some overdue Formspring answers:

What is your favorite place in the world and why?

Hmmm...this is hard. I've traveled quite a bit, and it seems like every place has something unique about it that makes it special...
I have been some exotic places, but I think I'd have top pick my grandparent's house as my favorite location, when it comes down to it. They are very special to me, and they live in a really beautiful part of the country with an awesome landscape surrounding them. I am proud that a place like that feels like home. I know I didn't give you details on where that is, sorry if that's a cop out! Identity reasons. My favorite vacation spot has probably been Hawaii, I loved hiking across the Kilauea Iki crater.

You talk about your grandparents a lot. Tell us why they're so awesome! What is one of your favorite memories with them?

They are incredible people, and they are indeed very special to me. Whoever asked this question scores major points! It's hard to list the reasons for their awesomeness. They are incredibly intelligent people: both in their 70s, and they still subscribe to tons of magazines on politics, science, travel, etc etc. I hope I'm half as mentally sharp as they are when I'm that age.
Also, they helped to raise me when I was a small child. After my mom and I ran away from my biological dad, we stayed with them until she remarried a few years later. I think I would probably have major Man Issues if I had not had my grandfather as a positive male figure in my life. I have never for a moment in my life doubted that they would drop everything and go any distance to help me if I were in trouble. Now that their health is poor and they are less and less self-sufficient, I'm happy that I can return the favors by helping them out as much as possible. Although it is indeed bittersweet.
They used to take me on trips with them all the time (even after we moved out of their house), and my favorite memory of them is probably just playing cards and talking about books, nature, life, etc on the many, many plane and car trips that we took. I have never, and will never, ever, ever get tired of spending time with them.
Dear god answering this question actually choked me up.