Matching and Marriage and Babies, Oh My

Match and I don't bicker often, but we got into a bit of a disagreement this weekend that I'm still simmering about a little bit. The only reason I am bringing it up on here was that it was related to ED stuff. I think I mentioned before that even though he's a psych major, he had some big misconceptions about EDs, basically what he interpreted/retained from a very cursory coverage in a general psych class.

It came up when he was telling me about a psych evaluation test he'd learned about in class, and developed into a discussion on diagnostic criteria for EDs. I tried to get across that the weight "requirements" for AN are misguided and often ignored by people with real experience treating EDs, that the DSM is outdated, etc, but I felt like he wasn't listening to me, he just kept reiterating what the DSM says.

And I was quite pissed. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it so personally, I don't know. It wasn't even just the ED issue, it was that I felt more than a little invalidated that he didn't seem to be open to my ideas/opinions on an issue with which I've had a lot of experience. We've patched things up over it, he later insisted he WAS listening and doesn't necessarily agree with the DSM, he was just telling me what it said, but it still seems like kind of an eggshell patch to tiptoe around. It just bothers me that we're this close, and he's known me this long, yet he could still have such big misconceptions about the ED. That's not entirely his fault, as he never really learned about them in school and isn't aiming towards that "kind" of psych for his career. Also, I still don't volunteer much info about how I'm doing or day to day challenges, so of course what he knows comes mainly from the few official definitions he's read. I understand that, which is why I was disappointed when my attempts to explain it more betterer didn't exactly succeed. I know there are a lot of misconceptions about EDs floating around, but I think that having trouble articulating to people you are close to is especially isolating.

On the topic of relationships and such, a couple of relevant questions from Formspring. I am having a superbusy week, so please don't be offended if it takes me a few days to get to your question, they mean a lot to me so keep them coming! By the way, Lisa asked in a comment on an earlier post if Match's name reflects how I met him. In fact it does. I NEVER thought I'd do one of those dating sites, but it wasn't a bad experience (obviously). I moved to a new city in August and joined Match.com for just one month, to meet new people in my area, I was open to just finding friends as well as maybe something else. I wouldn't have met Match otherwise, so it was worth it!

Do you ever want to get married? Do you think you will marry Match?

I can't entirely rule it out, because you never know what will happen...but getting married is definitely neither a priority nor a goal of mine. Even though I've done a lot of opening up and breaking down walls with Match, I still have a hard time fathoming living a life THAT entwined with someone else. I'm not criticizing marriage, of course, I think it's awesome when people find that Someone to connect and spend their lives with, I just have a hard time picturing it for myself...and I really enjoy Match and care about him quite a bit, but I don't predict that we'll be making that step.

Do you want to have kids one day? If so, are you worried about your potential future daughter(s) developing an eating disorder?

No, and partly because the answer to the second question would be yes. Well, I can't blame it all on that. I am extremely passionate about my work and career, and unfortunately the lifestyle involved in building a solid academic career in my field is not conducive to family building. It involves a lot of travel and long hours, with little money or benefits, during prime reproductive years. Also, I've never really had a strong maternal desire, honestly. I hope it doesn't make me seem like a bad person to admit that. G. fulfills any caretaking urges I have, and he doesn't outgrow his clothes every month. I think babies are fine, and love that some people have them, but the thought of having one of my own seems unfathomable. Seriously, a real live human, dependent on ME? Of course I could take care of it, but I'd be so paranoid about doing something wrong, screwing it up for life, being blamed for years of therapy and angsty lashing out in later years. I have a fantastic mom, but I still barely made it out of middle school with my life, and sanity was just forgone. And 2 out of her 3 kids are currently in therapy (to be addressed in an upcoming Formspring answer). Wtf?

Which leads into the second part of the question. IF, hypothetically, something random and unexpected happened and I did end up producing a child, I'd definitely want it to be a boy. Not just for ED issues, I feel like girls are tricky in a lot of ways. But ED risk would be a factor (not that it's not a risk for boys, my youngest brother has had some eating issues in the past also). I have eating disorders on both sides of my family tree, in addition to multiple alcoholics in every generation on both sides of said metaphorical arbor. My mom dealt with OCD when she was younger, depression peppers the family, including my brother (although my brothers are "only" half brothers, I always have to remind myself of that because I don't think of them that way). Plus I am pitifully nearsighted (trying to psych myself up for Lasik b/c contacts are a pain in the field) and have rather unruly hair and a horrible singing voice. In a nutshell, if I accomplish nothing else in life, my leaving this planet without spawning offspring should be seen as an achievement for the betterment of the human race.

(Disclaimer: The opinions voiced here apply to ME only. I am not implying that I think ED sufferers shouldn't have kids, that is not the case. People with EDs tend to be highly intelligent and responsible, among other things. So please don't read this as judgment on anyone else for having/wanting babies. Everyone deserves a family. I'm aware that it's one of those "I'm an exception to the rule" situations).

EDIT: It just occured to me that the title of this post could give people the initial idea that the post holds some BIG life announcements about myself and Match. Sorry to disappoint! ;)