Success is Sweet

I have done so fucking fantastic with food and everything else this weekend.  It gives me hope that it may indeed be possible for the future to be more livable and lovable than the past 12+ years.

My mom was visiting, and we had a lot of fun, I didn't stress over exercise (granted, this is mostly because we did a lot of active things), and I was both spontaneous and a bit adventurous with food.  I don't really want to give details, for the sake of anonymity, but I wish I could because it just felt so incredibly good. I wasn't perfectly free and unworried with everything, but did really damn well, all things considered. Example: they didn't have something we ordered at lunch yesterday, so they tossed in cookies for free....and I ATE one. White chocolate macadamia nut thank you very much. And not a little one. Unplanned and uncompensated for. Stop the presses--I honestly can't tell you when something like that last happened.

One over-riding source of guilt for me is that I have been a much, much less fun daughter than I would have liked to be. I have an incredibly fun, cool, and all around awesome mom. I can't count the number of visits, holidays, outings, etc where we had opportunities for great Girl Bonding Time that were ruined because I was too anxious, nervous, depleted, exhausted, or some combination of all of those and more. Being at a point where I can loosen up, eat a free cookie, have a filling meal in a restaurant and come home to have wine and watch a movie, AND be present, pleasant, and engaged the whole time...something I never thought I could do but is so worth it. Like I mentioned in my post about the last Match visit, it's not the food that makes it worth it, but just feeling and functioning like a normal person and not always being on the edge of a panic attack when I just want to enjoy the people I love.

I hope everyone else has had a good weekend, love y'all.  And for those of you that have sent me messages on Facebook this weekend, I'll reply to you all of course but just fyi you girls are the BEST and inspire me daily.

Ask Me!

I feel like I've sort of let this blog slide a bit, with too much venting/whining and not enough thematic discussion.  I'm a bit buried with school/work right now but really want to try to keep 4B going strong.  As such, I really appreciate reader feedback, questions, and topic ideas.  I want to remind everyone that I'm on Formspring (haven't used it in FOREVER but it's still there) and want to get more active again with that.  So if you have any questions you want to see answered in a future post, hit me up! (Click here for my Formspring profile).

Had a PhD interview this week; it was a good option but one that I think I can safely rule out as being "not for me" without too much mental turmoil. If only I could be so sure about some of my other options. This one had some definite pluses, but the project just doesn't excite me and I have enough other options on the table that I don't think I really need it as a backup.  Always good to get interview experience, though.

I had also planned a workout when I got home (about 10 pm), but I had not eaten well and was EXHAUSTED from an early morning and a lot of driving, so I skipped it.  Unheard of, right? And haven't compensated by cutting any food the next day. Probably seems small to some people but for me skipping a planned workout on a day my exercise had already been reduced is HUGE.

Therapy this afternoon.  I appreciate the fact that T. lets me talk about whatever's on my mind, but I feel like I'm really not making any progress with exercise overall (last night's victory aside; wouldn't have been able to do that if my food hadn't been drastically down that day) and little if any with food, so I think I'm going to tell her today that I need our sessions to start focusing on that a little bit more.

I hope everyone has had a great week, looking forward to any questions I get via Formspring, love y'all.

Communication Conundrum

Why is is that sometimes when we need to talk the most, we're the least able to figure out how to do it?

I've really had a hard time the past few days.  I'm conflicted about what I want for my future on several fronts.  Career direction, goals, decisions, etc. And I'm having Relationship Issues right now and don't really know what to feel about it.  Nothing awful or dramatic, no fights, just . . . I don't know.  "It's complicated."

Par for the course when I'm stressed, my appetite has shriveled up and died and my nervous energy has shot through the roof. I've been around the block enough times to recognize that's what's happening and stay on top of things anyway.  Sometimes I really think that being so schedule- and routine-obsessed is a blessing in disguise, because that rigidity keeps me from going off the rails when my body/mind are in a rough patch.

It's been such a beautiful weekend, sometimes I wish I could just bottle the feeling of sun on my skin and spray it on whenever I needed comfort.

Observational Miscellany

Randoms:

-Apparently CVS, Target, and other stores are trying to dress up as Christmas for Halloween. Premature holiday hype ruins the specialness of the season!

-I am amused by the fact that nearly ZERO of the news coverage of the iPhone 4S has mentioned price,  beyond the fact that the 3 and 4 versions have been discounted.  It seems like Apple has passed the threshold of being a consumer decision and is just considered an assumed necessity.  And yes I want a 4S BADLY.

-In case you didn't know, Breaking Bad is on Netflix streaming now. It's one of the few shows I actually have the urge to watch all over again from the beginning.

-I've had this sudden crazy idea about a way to expand my career horizons a bit, and am currently obsessed by exploring the options...it would involve doing another degree in parallel with my PhD in science, but I bet that if I could get enough tuition money and caffeine from somewhere I could pull it off...we'll see.

-Just made an appointment to go skydiving for my upcoming 25th birthday.  Not sure if I've mentioned this but I am a TOTAL adrenaline junkie (I have been known to ride vicious roller coasters 3-4 times in a row) and I'm super excited.

-I am glad Chris Christie is off of the GOP nomination radar now just because I was sick to death of hearing all the fat jokes being batted around. I wouldn't be surprised if he shows up as VP on the ticket in the general election, but I hope at that point people will be more focused on actual substance versus surface.  Pipe dream, I know.

-My adviser is beyond useless this semester, to the point that he jokes about it but doesn't really seem to do anything to reverse the trend.  Just 8 months til I blow out of this place.

-Applying to grad school is EXPENSIVE, yo.  At $23 per GRE score report, about $10 per transcript (I have to request those from 4 different schools), and a $60-120 application fee for each institution, I feel like I need student loans just to get in.

-I always seem to have a sort of self-confidence afterglow following a visit with M., and have been feeling really good this week.

-The week is halfway over! Happy Wednesday.  Love y'all.

A Weekend in Two Acts

Well I started a post over the weekend and didn't have time to finish/post it, so you get a time series here.

Written on Saturday afternoon:

I'm at Match's right now (actually sitting in his office, where he's trying to blast through grading the avalanche of tests his adviser dumped into his lap at the last minute on Friday), and the visit is going well, although we're getting less time together than on a usual trip, partly because of his work and partly because I flew in on a Thursday instead of a Wednesday.

To be completely honest, his workload has benefited us to some degree because it means I can go get some exercise in at the campus rec center and come back de-anxiefied without feeling guilty for ditching him for the gym.  

That also means that eating has been easier, although not completely as easy as I'd like, which frustrates me. For example, I got a pretty lengthy workout in yesterday and so *should* have been able to have a very  normal lunch out, but when it came to ordering I just got overwhelmed and defaulted to the fucking grilled chicken salad, which I loathe but nearly inevitably turn to anyway. Stockholm syndrome, I suppose.  Going to try harder to branch out tonight and tomorrow.

....cut to today:
Well I flew home this morning.  Back to real life. :(  I had a great weekend with Match.  It was probably the best I've done with my eating on any trip with him, although I have to admit that's almost entirely due to the gym time I got in while he was working.  He felt awful about having to spend some time in the office every morning, but in all honesty I was really glad for the chance to get my workout anxiety out so I could just focus on enjoying him for the rest of the day.  Having that leeway also gave me a taste (no pun intended) of how nice it is to just feel normal sometimes.  To let my boyfriend treat me to a Frappuccino on a sunny afternoon (run, do not walk, to get a Salted Caramel Mocha Frappuccino, most perfect Starbucks drink EVER in my humble opinion), take a picnic to the zoo, have a movie night that involves pizza and getting tipsy on too much wine.  I know everything is not about food, and honestly for me the meaningful thing is just enjoying my best friend, but not being so painfully uptight about everything that goes into my mouth is just such.a.fucking.relief.

If I could just get to the point where I didn't have to slave at the gym for part of the day to reach that state.  Oh well.  I do think I'm handling it better and better each go-round.

In other news, we tried to start watching Boardwalk Empire, because it's gotten so much good hype.  I actually got terrible nightmares from it, though, because there are so many domestic violence scenes with screaming kids in the background, and basically most of my earliest memories are of being that screaming kid.  Probably won't be watching any more of it.

Oh and I managed to slightly mangle my finger in a kitchen mishap.  Oops.  Apples are not designed to be cut with steak knives, especially if your hands are slippery! I don't if I'd ever seen true terror until I saw Match's face when he walked in and saw me bleeding all over his kitchen.  Oops.

So I guess that's the trip recap. Despite the nightmares and finger casualties, it was a great weekend, LOL.  All joking aside, I had a great time. It was a shorter visit for us than usual and we have a longer than usual gap before our next one (over 40 days; I swear we do the equivalent of Lent like 5 times a year). That makes me kind of nervous, but I'm sure it'll be fine...I was really worried about the Us issue last week, and I think the visit assuaged a lot of that, fortunately.  

Realities Setting In

When I last left you, I was getting ready to fly out for a PhD interview/tour.  I was a bit nervous, but I ended up LOVING the place, being very impressed with the facilities and opportunities involved in the position, and getting along really well with all of the lab members.  All in all, I think that that one is probably my #1 pick at the moment, although decision time is a long way off and I have several other interviews/visits scheduled.

One of the realities of that choice is that it is the one on my list that is the most geographically distant from all of Match's options, meaning we'd be a minimum of 7-8 hours apart.  An improvement on our current 12 hour separation, but still pretty much a day's travel.  Both of us have pretty specific research interests, so neither of us have the luxury of choosing programs based on location at this stage.  Plus, I plan to be out of the country doing fieldwork for 6-9 months at least 2 or 3 years in a row. (I'll have internet in the field this time around, though!). Plus there's the fact that we've been lucky so far, in that since we've been apart I haven't been in classes and haven't had to teach, so I've have been able to afford a long weekend every month.  I'll actually take a pay cut going to my PhD, and will be starting from scratch with classes, plus probably teaching on top of that, as will he. That plus being on another continent half the year is . . . not likely to be easy.

Anyway, we're not pressuring each other or ourselves to choose for proximity, but the realities of what this could mean for Us are sort of weighing on us right now.  It's been kind of a hard week, stuff going on in relationship world that has me a bit uncertain about what I want, but none of that is concretely formed enough to discuss on this forum, even though I feel like I desperately need to talk about it. Usually my mom is the go-to person in situations like that, but I want her to like M. and so I find myself hesitant to bring up less than positive things about the relationship to her.  I really wish I had a therapy appointment this week, but I'm actually flying out to see Match on Thursday, so I'm missing my session for the second week in a row. We'll see, I guess.  Our October visit is this weekend, I and really just want it to be a happy one.

In other news, I had another fitness assessment with my trainer today, and felt really good about it.  I increased my ability on everything, and hadn't lost weight or body fat percentage (that actually went up a little, still lower than when I started, and I'm forcing myself to accept that's fine and not hyperanalyze causal factors).

By the way, Natalie Angier (of whom I happen to be a fan) brought up eating disorders twice in this article on pathological selflessness. I could see both valid and invalid aspects to that angle of presentation. I was also intrigued by this article on addiction vaccines, hoping it could be used to treat addictive behaviors in general, but so far it's targeted towards narcotics and cigarettes.  Still cool. Discuss?