Blatant venting/whining

My brain is such a fucking mess right now. I had my first heaving sobbing cry in a while this morning, in the shower after my run, and I don't even know why. Except that right now it's not just that I'm unhappy, but that I can't imagine any feasible turn of events in my life that will make me happy. I'm busting my ass with a project I don't like in order to qualify myself for a career I don't even want anymore. But I'm not really qualified for anything else. How did I get here???

Post-Vacation Update and Other News

The good news: Last weekend's vacation was absolutely fantastic. The place was gorgeous, the wildlife was abundant and fascinating, and it was SO nice to just turn off "work mode" and enjoy Research Country for a few days. I know it may sound silly to take a vacation like that when I work on wildlife conservancies every day, but "work" is the important part of that fact. This trip was an awesome change of pace.

And truly, I kicked ass with food. I ate ad libitum. If I really liked something, I let myself have seconds. I had forgotten what it felt like to be really full and not in energy deficit. I managed to get a good amount of activity in but it was definitely a break for my body given my normal exercise routine.

The bad news: The guilt over all of that has led me to really double down on the same restrictive regime since I've been back. I don't know why I feel like if I gain any weight back at all before I fly home, no one will believe what a hard time I've had here. "Here" being in my brain, I guess? I know it doesn't make sense. I know most people don't even really notice a few pounds here or there, especially under clothes. But if making sense was what mattered my life would have been on a much different trajectory for all these years.

The better news: Remember H., my superstar therapist from undergrad years? The one who I truly believe helped to save my life back then? Well, I reached out to her a couple of weeks ago and she agreed to do Skype therapy sessions with me; had my first one this past week. It is SO nice to have her to talk to again. Since I've worked with her I've seen two other therapists and fired both of them, and had one dietitian sort of fire me. I'm not easy, it seems. But she seems to have just the right approach for me and is just really damn good. So that's happening.

Thanks to those who sent support to me about my trip. Take care and treat yourselves kindly, love y'all.

Almost Go-Time

My little mini-vacation is this weekend. It was supposed to make me feel spoiled and get me out of the little research centre bubble, but has actually just made me feel unspeakably stressed (although maybe has served as a wake-up call that I'm not in control of the food restriction as much as I was a couple of months ago).

Technically it starts today (Thursday) -- I have a lunch meeting (argh!) in town to talk to a property manager about sampling on his land, and I'm staying the night there with a friend so I can leave super-early for the drive to Vacation Lake tomorrow morning (Friday).

So, here we go. I'm sort of regretting the whole trip but I would have lost my deposit if I canceled it. Trying to psych myself up for the world-class wildlife viewing and the chance to feel a tiny bit pampered after so many months in grunge mode out here. Yesterday while out in the field I reached for a rock to weigh something down, picked up a piece of poop by accident, realized it, inspected it with interest, remembered the task at hand and traded it for a rock, and only then realized that most grown-ups don't nonchalantly handle feces in the course of their work days. Glamorous, no?

More updates soon, there has been movement on the "getting treatment" front but I don't have time to update on that at the moment.