I'm having a hard week so far. Still having lots of feelings about missing Nana. Tired of my brothers acting like assholes and my mom being sad. Match and I have been a bit more on eggshells than usual over the last week or two.
Of course the way my brain deals with this is to divert attention from Hard Things to Food Things. I absolutely could not stop the brain-spinning about food choices all day today. I feel totally worn out. I wish food didn't exist so I could think about something else.
I actually did have two splurge days in less than a week over the last week, maybe not super big splurges but spontaneous eating out, which is a win. It just seems like today a huge hurricane of body discomfort and food-obsessing swept into my brain and wouldn't leave. I'm so sick of this.
Nothing objectively bad happened today. No one was mean to me, nothing went wrong, no unexpected problems popped up. But for some reason I was so worn out and bleak feeling by 6 pm that I couldn't really do anything except call Match sobbing. I dunno?
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Monday, November 23, 2015
Holiday Dread
I've been having a lot of Feelings related to missing my Nana lately. I don't want to do the holidays without her.
That is all.
That is all.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
The Divorce Update
So, I'm actually tired of thinking about this topic. But it provides context for a lot of things going on right now, thus I'm going to give what I intend to be a short version of it. I think most people that still read this blog ( . . . Bueller?) already know the gist and pretty much knew this was coming. So I'm going to skip all that prologue; if you're absolutely determined for more background you can text me about it, and if you don't have my phone number then I don't feel like telling you family secrets. Fair?
So my dad has not handled it well ("it" being my mom moving out and filing for divorce, I guess that's the CliffsNotes background to the story). He has been texting her mean, guilt-mongering things every day, has tried to cut off her access to all the money/accounts, changed the locks on the family house even though she co-signed when they bought it, etc etc. He went about a week without talking to me except for a couple of texts demanding information about credit card charges I'd made (for one meal and a rental car, which I'd cleared with my mom ahead of time) because he was monitoring all the accounts to figure out where she was and what she was doing.
My brothers (ages 22 and 20) did not handle it well either. Fuck the Y chromosomes in this family. Neither of them are speaking to her. The older one said some pretty mean things to her, but isn't speaking to dad either. I assume the younger one is speaking to dad, because he's always seen switching to that alliance as an easy way to hurt mom.
Starting this week, Dad started texting me again, mostly to tell me how sad he is and how unfair mom is. The brothers are texting/calling me crying and venting about how sad and mad they are. I call mom every day so she has someone to talk to about how sad she is that everyone is mad at her. Somehow, no one in my family has thought to ask me if I feel sad or mad. Oh well.
I'm pissed at my brothers for not being better towards my mom, but still being supportive because, well, I'm the Big Sister. That's my job, even when they disappoint me. I remember when they were peeing in their own ears and eating crayons, so expectations have never been high . . .
That's that. I really don't feel like saying anything else about it right now.
So my dad has not handled it well ("it" being my mom moving out and filing for divorce, I guess that's the CliffsNotes background to the story). He has been texting her mean, guilt-mongering things every day, has tried to cut off her access to all the money/accounts, changed the locks on the family house even though she co-signed when they bought it, etc etc. He went about a week without talking to me except for a couple of texts demanding information about credit card charges I'd made (for one meal and a rental car, which I'd cleared with my mom ahead of time) because he was monitoring all the accounts to figure out where she was and what she was doing.
My brothers (ages 22 and 20) did not handle it well either. Fuck the Y chromosomes in this family. Neither of them are speaking to her. The older one said some pretty mean things to her, but isn't speaking to dad either. I assume the younger one is speaking to dad, because he's always seen switching to that alliance as an easy way to hurt mom.
Starting this week, Dad started texting me again, mostly to tell me how sad he is and how unfair mom is. The brothers are texting/calling me crying and venting about how sad and mad they are. I call mom every day so she has someone to talk to about how sad she is that everyone is mad at her. Somehow, no one in my family has thought to ask me if I feel sad or mad. Oh well.
I'm pissed at my brothers for not being better towards my mom, but still being supportive because, well, I'm the Big Sister. That's my job, even when they disappoint me. I remember when they were peeing in their own ears and eating crayons, so expectations have never been high . . .
That's that. I really don't feel like saying anything else about it right now.
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Prozac Win, Wedding Win, Take an Uber to Tacos
Okay, so where to start.
First, the Prozac is definitely working and it is AMAZING. I still feel like me, just less shakeable and more level. Like I think I said before, I can still feel stressed or worried about legit things in the moment, but they don't drown my brain and I can deal with the rest of the day unimpeded. No side effects since I switched to taking it at night (I've stayed at 60 mg). Is this what normal people feel like? It's not like I'm euphoric or anything, but damn it's nice to not feel like my brain is a hurricane all the time. I get a breeze sometimes or rarely a gust but then it blows over, to extend my metaphor.
I guess a big reason I've been talking about this is in case anyone else reading this blog is ever wondering about meds and wants anecdotal accounts. Just fyi, there were three main things I was worried about when I started on it (of course after being on this thing for less than three months I have ZERO illusions about being an expert; this is mere "anecdata").
1. Weight gain.
Obviously, right? I worry about this when it comes to deciding whether to drink tap water or not, much less start a new drug. It seems like mostly the old tricyclic drugs caused a lot of weight gain, and with SSRIs there's some conflicting evidence but when people do gain weight the data suggests it isn't much. For me, I have actually lost a fuck-ton of weight since I started it, and have no explanation for that except my day-to-day schedule here is probably more energetically costly than it was over the summer in Match City, and I didn't adjust exercise to compensate. Plus stress earlier in the semester.
2. Fuzzy brain.
I did worry that I'd sort of feel sedated or that my good emotions would be flattened as well as my stress. NOT the case. Again, I don't feel euphoric or flightly, but I'm just content and definitely more present and in the moment and able to hold on to happiness when good things happen.
3. Sex.
So, one of the most common warnings when starting an anti-depressant is that it can depress libido, often with just arousal but can also affect orgasms etc. I went two months without seeing Match this fall so I just got to test this out this past weekend . . . noooope. No effect. If anything things were way better for both of us because I was more present and less stressed. I didn't feel different in terms of desire before we met up in person, so I was hoping for this. So, possibly TMI, but a word of hope that it's not ALWAYS an outcome on an SSRI . . . (Prozac/fluoxetine in this case).
So, that's that, moving on now.
Last weekend I flew down to attend Match's brother's wedding, and it was a BLAST. I had never been to a wedding as an adult because I'm out of the country so much, I usually miss them. I love his family (although we don't really like his other brother's new girlfriend or how that brother acts when she's around, but I doubt she'll last). His brothers are fun and feel like my big brothers now, and his mom is awesome. His dad behaved and seemed to be trying to repair things, in his way. Weddings are FUN and Match's back has improved enough that he got to walk his mom down the aisle during the ceremony, dance a couple of dances with me at the reception, etc. Seeing that improvement in him was my favorite part of the whole weekend. I was eating well and unstressed and was able to be social, fun, energized, etc. It was great.
Match hadn't seen me since late August, i.e. since I dropped most of the weight I gained this summer. He knew that, I tell him everything, but seeing me was different and we had a LONG LONG talk about how this needs to get better. I tend to wig out over every one or two pound weight fluctuation, and he has always told me not to sweat it, that no one notices, that, but the first night he was basically like "THIS is noticeable and not okay, and I don't like it for you, or for me, or for our future, and we need to try to fix it." Point taken.
He never polices my food, but he does make it easier for me to splurge. Example: on Saturday we were served a very nice homemade ethnic lunch at his brother's house, and I tried some of everything and truly thought I ate enough. Less than an hour later my stomach was growling. He heard it, and we had an extended private debate about how to get more food because I was shy/embarrassed to tell them that lunch hadn't been enough, and we didn't have our own vehicle to go out for a snack. "This is how you 'mysteriously' lose weight," he says. Touché. He summoned an Uber and we went and got tacos and margaritas. I would NEVER have done that left to my own devices.
I actually rocked the weekend in that regard. A few standout accomplishments:
1. Very liberal eating. Didn't even try to count calories which is UNHEARD of for me.
2. Very little exercise. My total time spent on cardio over the whole four days was about half what I normally do in ONE day at home. And I took it in stride and was fine. So weird, but I'll take it.
3. Eating home-cooked food that I didn't prepare. The bride-to-be and her family are from an eastern European country with amaaazing food, and I tried everything they served us without trying to figure out the caloric content.
Somehow, I actually ended up weighing a tad less after the weekend than the day before I left, which is evidence of the fact that my metabolism is just weird. I still can't convince R. that I'm not lying to her about food intake. H. believes me. I can be a lot of things with my treatment team: sarcastic, defiant, stubborn, etc, but I am never, never dishonest with them.
I had a big incident of head-butting with R. a few weeks ago over weighing me in the office and it was the most pissed I'd seen her. I honestly think being weighed in the office every week is keeping me from being as liberal with food stuff as I might be. Even though I know she wants me to gain weight, I still have this weird hang-up of embarrassment that it will look like I "lost control" or "failed" if I add any back even though I know, I know, I know the opposite is true.
Anyway, H. and I talked it over and she convinced me that right now it's important for someone to be monitoring my weight, but when I reach a set target I won't have to be weighed every time as long as I'm maintaining. I think one issue is that H. is trained to deal with stubborn, noncompliant people with wonky brains. R. is used to people doing what she says and doesn't have the training to deal with it when they refuse. When I get stubborn, or resistant, R. gets mad, which shuts me down. H. does her therapist thing and usually I will eventually see the logic and concede. So there's that.
I do still like R. I actually had a kind of candid conversation with her about her own ED history this past week, which was interesting. I think EDs are still a somewhat emotional issue for her and that's why she feels so invested and gets so frustrated when I'm backsliding.
I also had some really wonky bloodwork recently, so I agreed to do at least one or two sessions with the campus dietian, mostly to get R. off my back. My first appointment is this coming Thursday. R. told me that she and this lady have worked with several ED patients together and that she "gets it," so maybe it will be good. R. actually called me at home yesterday to reassure me that the dietitian wouldn't weigh me (I'll be weighed at an R. appointment the day before), to going into it thinking of it as a "positive thing," and basically not to be an asshole in the first session. Point taken.
Things have leveled out with X. I'm upset with him for giving some stupid advice to my undergrad this past week, but before that I was pretty content because since I passed prelims he's been okay towards me. I do hate that he's being rough on my student (he is technically also her adviser because she needs faculty signature on some things), but then again it has given me a chance to step up and put on my supportive mentor hat, and I actually think I'm good at that. I like seeing her leave more hopeful than she was when she first came into my office.
I'm kind of tired of writing now and this post is already long. I'll update about family stuff soon. Last Sunday was the anniversary of my Nana's death. Lots of feelings. I'm glad I was with Match and his family that day. My mom left my dad this past weekend (yes, while I was at a wedding, ironically enough). It was definitely the right move but I hate that it's a painful process.
More soon.
First, the Prozac is definitely working and it is AMAZING. I still feel like me, just less shakeable and more level. Like I think I said before, I can still feel stressed or worried about legit things in the moment, but they don't drown my brain and I can deal with the rest of the day unimpeded. No side effects since I switched to taking it at night (I've stayed at 60 mg). Is this what normal people feel like? It's not like I'm euphoric or anything, but damn it's nice to not feel like my brain is a hurricane all the time. I get a breeze sometimes or rarely a gust but then it blows over, to extend my metaphor.
I guess a big reason I've been talking about this is in case anyone else reading this blog is ever wondering about meds and wants anecdotal accounts. Just fyi, there were three main things I was worried about when I started on it (of course after being on this thing for less than three months I have ZERO illusions about being an expert; this is mere "anecdata").
1. Weight gain.
Obviously, right? I worry about this when it comes to deciding whether to drink tap water or not, much less start a new drug. It seems like mostly the old tricyclic drugs caused a lot of weight gain, and with SSRIs there's some conflicting evidence but when people do gain weight the data suggests it isn't much. For me, I have actually lost a fuck-ton of weight since I started it, and have no explanation for that except my day-to-day schedule here is probably more energetically costly than it was over the summer in Match City, and I didn't adjust exercise to compensate. Plus stress earlier in the semester.
2. Fuzzy brain.
I did worry that I'd sort of feel sedated or that my good emotions would be flattened as well as my stress. NOT the case. Again, I don't feel euphoric or flightly, but I'm just content and definitely more present and in the moment and able to hold on to happiness when good things happen.
3. Sex.
So, one of the most common warnings when starting an anti-depressant is that it can depress libido, often with just arousal but can also affect orgasms etc. I went two months without seeing Match this fall so I just got to test this out this past weekend . . . noooope. No effect. If anything things were way better for both of us because I was more present and less stressed. I didn't feel different in terms of desire before we met up in person, so I was hoping for this. So, possibly TMI, but a word of hope that it's not ALWAYS an outcome on an SSRI . . . (Prozac/fluoxetine in this case).
So, that's that, moving on now.
Last weekend I flew down to attend Match's brother's wedding, and it was a BLAST. I had never been to a wedding as an adult because I'm out of the country so much, I usually miss them. I love his family (although we don't really like his other brother's new girlfriend or how that brother acts when she's around, but I doubt she'll last). His brothers are fun and feel like my big brothers now, and his mom is awesome. His dad behaved and seemed to be trying to repair things, in his way. Weddings are FUN and Match's back has improved enough that he got to walk his mom down the aisle during the ceremony, dance a couple of dances with me at the reception, etc. Seeing that improvement in him was my favorite part of the whole weekend. I was eating well and unstressed and was able to be social, fun, energized, etc. It was great.
Match hadn't seen me since late August, i.e. since I dropped most of the weight I gained this summer. He knew that, I tell him everything, but seeing me was different and we had a LONG LONG talk about how this needs to get better. I tend to wig out over every one or two pound weight fluctuation, and he has always told me not to sweat it, that no one notices, that, but the first night he was basically like "THIS is noticeable and not okay, and I don't like it for you, or for me, or for our future, and we need to try to fix it." Point taken.
He never polices my food, but he does make it easier for me to splurge. Example: on Saturday we were served a very nice homemade ethnic lunch at his brother's house, and I tried some of everything and truly thought I ate enough. Less than an hour later my stomach was growling. He heard it, and we had an extended private debate about how to get more food because I was shy/embarrassed to tell them that lunch hadn't been enough, and we didn't have our own vehicle to go out for a snack. "This is how you 'mysteriously' lose weight," he says. Touché. He summoned an Uber and we went and got tacos and margaritas. I would NEVER have done that left to my own devices.
I actually rocked the weekend in that regard. A few standout accomplishments:
1. Very liberal eating. Didn't even try to count calories which is UNHEARD of for me.
2. Very little exercise. My total time spent on cardio over the whole four days was about half what I normally do in ONE day at home. And I took it in stride and was fine. So weird, but I'll take it.
3. Eating home-cooked food that I didn't prepare. The bride-to-be and her family are from an eastern European country with amaaazing food, and I tried everything they served us without trying to figure out the caloric content.
Somehow, I actually ended up weighing a tad less after the weekend than the day before I left, which is evidence of the fact that my metabolism is just weird. I still can't convince R. that I'm not lying to her about food intake. H. believes me. I can be a lot of things with my treatment team: sarcastic, defiant, stubborn, etc, but I am never, never dishonest with them.
I had a big incident of head-butting with R. a few weeks ago over weighing me in the office and it was the most pissed I'd seen her. I honestly think being weighed in the office every week is keeping me from being as liberal with food stuff as I might be. Even though I know she wants me to gain weight, I still have this weird hang-up of embarrassment that it will look like I "lost control" or "failed" if I add any back even though I know, I know, I know the opposite is true.
Anyway, H. and I talked it over and she convinced me that right now it's important for someone to be monitoring my weight, but when I reach a set target I won't have to be weighed every time as long as I'm maintaining. I think one issue is that H. is trained to deal with stubborn, noncompliant people with wonky brains. R. is used to people doing what she says and doesn't have the training to deal with it when they refuse. When I get stubborn, or resistant, R. gets mad, which shuts me down. H. does her therapist thing and usually I will eventually see the logic and concede. So there's that.
I do still like R. I actually had a kind of candid conversation with her about her own ED history this past week, which was interesting. I think EDs are still a somewhat emotional issue for her and that's why she feels so invested and gets so frustrated when I'm backsliding.
I also had some really wonky bloodwork recently, so I agreed to do at least one or two sessions with the campus dietian, mostly to get R. off my back. My first appointment is this coming Thursday. R. told me that she and this lady have worked with several ED patients together and that she "gets it," so maybe it will be good. R. actually called me at home yesterday to reassure me that the dietitian wouldn't weigh me (I'll be weighed at an R. appointment the day before), to going into it thinking of it as a "positive thing," and basically not to be an asshole in the first session. Point taken.
Things have leveled out with X. I'm upset with him for giving some stupid advice to my undergrad this past week, but before that I was pretty content because since I passed prelims he's been okay towards me. I do hate that he's being rough on my student (he is technically also her adviser because she needs faculty signature on some things), but then again it has given me a chance to step up and put on my supportive mentor hat, and I actually think I'm good at that. I like seeing her leave more hopeful than she was when she first came into my office.
I'm kind of tired of writing now and this post is already long. I'll update about family stuff soon. Last Sunday was the anniversary of my Nana's death. Lots of feelings. I'm glad I was with Match and his family that day. My mom left my dad this past weekend (yes, while I was at a wedding, ironically enough). It was definitely the right move but I hate that it's a painful process.
More soon.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Dropping In
Hey y'all, just dropping in to confirm that I have NOT abandoned the blog. Tons has been going on over the last week or two. Will update soon. I'm okay. In the meantime, read this post on the potential harms of "fitspiration."
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