Back

So, I'm back from Jungle Land, been traveling since 3 this morning.  Really worn out.  To be honest, I didn't try very hard with the ED stuff.  It could have been much worse, but I could have done a lot to make it better.  I think I've decided to try seeing a new therapist after the holidays.  I so fucking want to just be a normal person.

Done Gone Away

Just fyi, I didn't have time to do a last post before I left, but I am actually in tropical research country for the next couple of weeks, just made it to an internet cafe to let the fam know that I survived the flight and a day in the capital city intact.  I'm worried and not all that confident about how food will go, I'm already kinda having a hard time. Possibly because my sleep has been minimal the past two nights and that just saps my mental energy.

  This time around, though, I have some great friends as my traveling companions, and they're aware of my eating issues even though I've only ever explicitly discussed it with one of them, and even then not at great length...but I think that having them around will make me feel more accountable, make it harder for me to take off on my own all the time for extra exercise, etc. So hopefully it'll work out.  And if it doesn't, at least it'll be my shortest trip yet; putting a rush on things to be back in time for Christmas.

Anyway, hasta luego, hope all of you handle the holiday season well, mucho amor!

My Tardy Turkey Day Tale

Hey y'all, I'm back!  Didn't intend quite such a long hiatus over Thanksgiving.  I flew up to see my Boy for the holiday.  We drove to his brother's house for a family Thanksgiving with his brother, dad, brother's gf and a couple of their friends.  Overall it went well.  The brother's girlfriend still makes me a little uneasy, and if I hadn't asked a few polite questions about her job/life to make conversation I doubt she would have talked to me at all.  But I was glad she was there if only because it meant that I didn't have to come in last place every time on our 4-player Wii Mario Kart battle. ;)

I really stressed over this visit after I found out that M's family has been clued in to my ED.  But it went okay.  I volunteered us to bring a couple of things I was comfortable eating.  As scary as the holidays may seem to be for people with EDs, I tend to handle Thanksgiving pretty well.  It's way better than, say, traditional 4th of July food.

Despite the Arctic temperatures, we played some football and I made a good showing for myself, by the way. ;)

So that was Thanksgiving.  Since I left for college I think I've only returned home for a single Thanksgiving with my own family, so I'm used to and usually fine with being alone that day.  As comfortable as I am with that solitude, this was definitely the best Thanksgiving I've had in a long time, just for the slight victory of normalcy and the fact that I really like M's dad and brother (and M himself isn't bad either... ;p).

I stayed the weekend up there, flew home Monday.  Usual recap of doing various things around the city and being spoiled rotten by doting boyfriend.  He took me to pick out my very own coffee machine to keep at his house (he's not a coffee drinker), significant relationship milestone, no? ;p

We did some museums, saw Harry Potter, took a day trip to another city and got to have a lunch date with the fantabulous Amy, who is even cooler in real life, if you can possibly imagine that!

Oh and we went ice skating on Sunday, and despite not having worn skates in about 10 years I did NOT fall a single time!

That was both a fun and desperate outing, actually.  I really struggled with lack of exercise on this trip, mostly because it was so bitterly cold outside, limited our usual outdoor walking to virtually nil, and we spent a lot of time in the car traveling between various states on a couple of days.  I held up ok for the first couple of days, but was definitely getting anxious and uncomfortable about it by Saturday.  I hate it when the ED takes over my personality and makes me quiet, edgy, and too much "inside your head", as M. says.

I put M. in a difficult position with that.  He wants me to be happy and relaxed, so he tries to work in activities for us where possible (we did the skating, and he took us down to a nice river park on a sunny afternoon to brave the cold for a walk).  But there is a fine line between accommodating and enabling, and I think he worries about where he's falling in that gray area.  He's told me that if I am really having a hard time with the anxiety and want to use the rec center at his school, or go to a nearby gym on a guest pass, he's fine with that.  On any trip longer than 4 days I think that would be best, not to do my usual whole daily routine but at least to have a token getting off my ass session...  But anyway, I worry about putting him in a position like that, can't be easy.  I guess what I mostly hate is that any part of my ED could affect my behavior and dictate the time I spend (or don't spend) with loved ones, I resent the ever-ugly hell out of that, my friends.

Anyway, food always goes a bit off on a trip, but I guess it was a success in proving to myself that I can not only survive a few days without working out, it didn't actually make me balloon or even put on an ounce.  So there, ED.  And I got right back on the wagon with food and have been sticking to mp faithfully all week.

So, I've put off updating because I didn't think I had anything to write about, and now I've written a book here.  I am just over a week from my next trip to Tropical Field Site and CAN'T WAIT to escape to warmer climes!  I feel like these days I am always either packing, unpacking, or both.

love y'all and happy Thursday!