Day Two of meeting complete meal plan. It apparently hasn't killed me, so it might actually be making me stronger. ;p
So, I found a link to Self Discovery, Word-by-Word (hosted by Karen at Before and After this month) through Katie's post at Health for the Whole Self, and I really like this concept. Every month there is a key word, and bloggers are invited to write a post using the word as a theme. This month's word, vulnerability, immediately made me think of what happened yesterday that ended up causing a sort of angsty past 24 hours.
Match and I were talking, and out of the blue he mentioned that his mom and one of his brothers (they visited him last month) directly asked him if I had an eating disorder. Being the upstanding guy that he is, he wasn't about to lie to his mama, and I'd never specifically asked him to keep it from anyone, so he told them yes. He sort of fudged it, apparently he told them that I used to struggle with it but have pretty much got it under control now (both true and not quite, I'm worlds better than I was and worlds away from where I want to be). He said they didn't judge me for it, everyone has something in their history, and this one isn't a big deal to them, etc.
Still, I immediately felt so vulnerable and insecure. I wasn't mad at Match for telling; they asked him directly and he answered as discretely as possible. I was upset, but not at him. I was upset at myself for being the Damaged Neurotic Girlfriend with Issues, and sure that's exactly how his family will see me now. He only told his brother and mom, but his brother has a girlfriend (who made me uncomfortable in eating contexts even before this), and I'm sure his dad (his parents are divorced) will find out via the brother and girlfriend because we're scheduled to have Thanksgiving dinner with the three of them. I felt fine about doing the holiday meal with them before, but now that I know at least two and probably all three of them will know about the ED stuff, I feel so incredibly vulnerable and open to scrutiny.
Match was really concerned about how I'd take the news, he knows that I automatically get down on myself for not being "normal" (who is normal about food these days, anyway? it's a shame). I told him that once people know about my ED, I feel like there are certain expectations for how I should look and act, and that for some reason I have such a hard time not pressuring myself to meet those expectations, it's like a fear that not doing it will draw more attention to myself than just playing along.
What is the vulnerability in just acting the way I want, eating what I want, not worrying about what they see or expect to see? It's Thanksgiving, pass the damn pie, how hard is that? Why do I have to stress over violating someone's preconceived notions of what an ED looks like?
Well, partly because I don't know how to eat or do what I want (sometimes, I'm afraid, I don't even know who I am) anymore, the ED patterns have been too ingrained and for too long. I'm much healthier now than when I was at my rock bottom with anorexia, but I still don't feel the least bit free of it. Even when I'm doing "well", I'm following a set meal plan and don't really need to think about what I feel like having, because I wouldn't have the faintest clue without specific instructions. Yes, I have one science degree and am halfway through a second one, but I can't manage to master feeding myself. My hunger/satiety cues are shot to hell, and if I don't have prescribed portions, food groups, and times, I get out of whack very fast. One of the most basic aspects of life, that even my dog manages to regulate intuitively, and I can't for the life of me get a grasp on it. Epic fail. And now his family knows and god only knows how they perceive it. I'm used to the issue, it's a legitimate psychological issue with a large biological component, but the moment I let myself try to picture it through their eyes, I am so utterly ashamed of myself. Vulnerable, anyone?
I tried to explain to M. why it's harder for me around people who do know about the ED than those who don't, I guess that might seem counter-intuitive to some people. His response actually did help a bit in one way, was frustrating in another: "I told them you struggled with it in the past but you've got a hold on it, babe, so all you have to do is eat and they aren't going to think anything of it."
All you have to do is eat. Right. It's just natural, I see. If that were true, the second entire half of my life would have been a much different experience, no?
6 comments:
'all you have to do is eat'. ah the simplicity yet complexity with that statement.
but sometimes we must face the facts. we must just eat. try taking a deep breath, engage in a conversation, smile and the meal will be over before you know it!
happy friday beautiful :)
Work on gaining the weight back, Cammy. That's not good to have people be able to pretty much guess you have an ED by looking at you. Not attractive, you know that, right? So why fear gaining back your health and beauty? Keep up that meal plan. -Mags
For some reason, my comment didn't go through on my phone so I'll try to remember what I wrote.
It's definitely an awkward situation, but I do think many people these days understand that we all come with some sort of baggage. It is an odd feeling when someone else has picked it out, however. There is the thought that all eyes will now be glaring at you. And that vulnerability is twofold- scary but at the same time can help you heal too.
So my thinking is that you need to trust Match on this. Those words of all you have to do is eat is true but at the same time may feel simplified. But I also know you can do it too.
Hey, it could have been worse. You could have pretended to be all better, been sitting down to lunch with your in laws and brothers in law over lunch, and suddenly began sobbing hysterically because of the scone you ate earlier that day upon your MIL's urgings!
Not that I know anyone that happened to...
But you know what? My in laws, in response to my total meltdown, just asked what they could do to help. They asked me to send them reading material to help them learn about eating disorders and a list of ways that they could help me. When I go there now, they have food that I can eat without stress and my MIL tells me at the beginning of the day what our plan is for meals (if we're going out, what she's making for dinner, etc.) and she has plenty of food for me to snack on, and eats alongside me. It's just been so much easier.
Having them know about your eating disorder opens the real you up to them--the you that isn't perfect, who has struggled and emerged stronger and more beautiful because of her scars and what she has faced and conquered. Like Match said, EVERYONE has issues, and wouldn't this be a reasonable issue to potential in-laws when you consider that you could have a lot of STIs, be a raging bitch with anger management issues, or be a Republican?? (I say that without knowing your/their political opinions, which is always dangerous, but insert whatever political party would be most offensive.)
Don't knock the experiences that have made you who you are and don't ever allow yourself to view them as a fault. They aren't something you chose, they aren't something that eclipses who you are--they are just a struggle that has made the person you are today--the person that they like!
Maybe you and Match can plan how to make Thanksgiving easiest for you, and he can be an intermediary between his you and his family (now that they know) to make Thanksgiving easiest for you. I think this will end up to be a blessing in disguise; if they do treat you negatively because of it, well, you don't really want to deal with them for the rest of your life anyway, right?
Everyone does have their deamons to battle, but I know how it feels to want to keep those to yourself. The fear of judgment keeps me silent most of the time. It makes it so much more uncomfortable to eat in front of people who know that you struggle with an eating disorder. I recently went out to eat with a co-worker who had happened to find my blog. She said, "Eating at restaurants must be very difficult for you." Well, it hadn't been that difficult until she mentioned it! Just keep taking care of yourself, and following your meal plan. The rest will take care of itself. Sending you much strength, and a big {{{HUG}}}
I ditto what Sarah said. That's great advice-definitely worth thinking about.
Sometimes, people will surprise you when you let them in. It can be unpredictable, and sometimes we have to take that risk.
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