One thing that I've had to learn in recovery is to resist black-and-white thinking about weight. For a long time (and sometimes still, on bad days), I thought that if I wasn't underweight, it meant I was fat. No thin, no slender, no normal, no average, no in-between. It took a while for it to sink in for me that you can fall along many points within a spectrum, some healthier than others but with "healthy and desirable" still being a range, not a singular cut-off point.
A related issue that is a bit of a struggle in the context of larger society is the common view of "thin" as opposed to the medical view of underweight vs normal. I remember, during my very first stab at recovery when I'd gained some weight but was still verytooreally thin, one of my fellow 7th graders told me my weight was "perfect, I wish I could weigh as much as you for my whole life." People, I was still very sick (I'm not often tempted to use numbers, wish I could this time to show you just how ridiculous this incident was, but it's not worth it). Even at the time, it really bothered me that she saw that scrawny, prepubertal form as the ideal.
So, for people learning to re-adjust their perceptions and become comfortable with their bodies while battling an ED, it's hard to figure out what's "right", and to learn that no two rights are the same. Hard as hell. I was "thin" at my rock-bottom, although at that point "thin" was a really just kind euphemism for emaciated. It took me a long time to realize that gaining dozens of pounds in recovery didn't make me fat. It doesn't mean I never *felt* fat, of course. I felt fat at weights that were, in retrospect, way thinner than I ever want to be again. I found that one of the keys in weight restoration is to give yourself time.
I wrote a post a while back on body image vs body schema, gives a much better treatment of this issue, if you have time. Basically, it takes your brain a while to catch up with the changes happening in your body. When I reached weight X, I felt awfulhorriblehuge. I felt like my body was alien, like I was stuck in someone else's clothing. But if I plateaued there for a while, after a short time I was amazed that I really became ok with my "new body" if I held out and was patient. That scary weight X would be WAY lower than I'd allow myself to go at this point, because I know it would look/feel terrible and wouldn't be healthy.
I reached my lifetime peak weight earlier this year. Still underweight, but the biggest underweight I'd ever been, really just a hair below normal (scary, right? Normal??? Like, optimal for health and function? Yikes. lol..). Just sort of a cognitive milestone that takes some working through. I was/am un-underweight enough that the casual observer probably wouldn't guess I had an eating disorder, maybe just a good metabolism and an active lifestyle. Even today, when I've slipped weight-wise over the past few months (and incidentally, Match confessed he thought I was more attractive at peak weight, who knew?), But the issue still kind of challenges the identity you've created for yourself over the years. I doubt I'd be pegged as an EDer. Thin yes, sick no. Underweight on the charts, but not abnormal looking when clothed. I can't go into every store and always wear the smallest size. I may not always have the smallest waist in the room. At this point I can pretty much just observe that, deem it marginally noteworthy and move on, but at first it was a sort of existential crisis.
It's a stereotype that anorexics always see themselves as fat. Not true. There were plenty of times when I was well aware of how gravely thin I was, I just didn't want to change it. I could/can even look at women that I know have at least 10-20 pounds on me right now and think, "Damn I wish I had a body like that."
And not looking sick is ok with me, I know that emaciated is not sexy or even attractive, and I don't pursue that. I never wanted to be that thin because I thought it looked nice, I just made an obsession about avoiding the opposite. After years and thousands of dollars in therapy, I realized that for a long time, I was hurting. Being sickthin was they only way I knew to communicate that. Now, I'm really not hurting in those ways anymore, and the ED patterns are more a hard-core habit than anything else, and instead of being the manifestation of me hurting, they're the biggest thing hurting me now, a different kind of challenge. Not that I don't have esteem issues or an addictive personality anymore, but day to day challenges aside, I have a good life and I generally like who I am (with the exception of how much I allowed the ED to entwine itself in my life). Realizing that made me finally stop feeling obligated to be sickthin, ok with not wearing the smallest jeans in the room. Hard transition, but doable. Blocking everything but the ED out of your life for years on end mean that sometimes coming out of it can be a bit of a splash with cold water. It that ultimately proves to be life-giving and refreshing, but still somewhat of an initial shock.
One thing people (myself definitely included) don't seem to be that good about is introspective objectivity: it's hard to see the actual you, easier to just compare yourself to what you used to be (often sicker, with an ED), or to all the photo-shopped images we're bombarded with every day. I definitely struggle with this every day. That's why it's nice to have a support team (professional and personal) to keep you grounded. There are definitely days when I wish I could just be a fly on the wall observing myself objectively, or days when I wish I could actually follow all of the recommendations I'd give someone else as far as self-care. Work in progress, right?
I feel like there is some wise and eloquent way I should tie all this together to wrap it up, as I've rambled around several issues related to weight. In a nutshell, just emphasizing poundage is NOT the only issue with EDs, but it can be an amorphous and challenging issue, no doubt, when trying to deal with the deeper things as well, because too often it's tempting to judge surfaces and not give proper weight (pun only slightly intended) to substance. I've always wished I could observe some alternate universe to see what my weight would be in a parallel life with no ED. And how much would it matter? I can bet that I'd be heavier, but I can also bet that I wouldn't be any less loved, accomplished, or enriched, and would probably much more of all of those things.
Ok hella long post, thanks to anyone who soldiered through this whole thing!!!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Circle Time
A few of the books I've read recently have had passages relevant to a theme that I definitely relate to. So, this post is like a bit of book-sharing circle time to share a few of those passages:
From The Bitch in the House, which I read based on Kim's impeccable recommendation:
...it occurred to me that I was succeeding in the world with only part of my brain engaged. While a tenth of it was devoted to school, a tenth devoted to my daughter, and perhaps another tenth devoted to family crises and illnesses, the other 70 percent of my mind was constantly focused on food--the calorie count of a grape, the filling bulk of popcorn...How much farther, I thought, can I go in the world if I used that 70 percent more wisely?
This *really* hit home for me. When I think of how many hours every day, week, month, year, decade and more that I've spent on ED thoughts and behaviors, it sickens me. I could have read hundreds more books, become multi-lingual, taken trips, met people, learned to ski, learned another instrument, been more involved, made more of a difference, actually lived like I'd never get each day back, which I won't. It bothers me because it's an ongoing issue as well. Not so much with the thoughts, although I do have meal planning anxiety regularly (not choosing how much to eat, I stick to prescribed calories, but all my stupid rationalizations about what to eat to fill that requirement). But the exercise eats up a ridiculous chunk of my day and totally dictates my schedule. I am frustrated beyond belief, but still feel pretty powerless to stop it. Which leads to the next excerpt...
And from Voluntary Madness, by Norah Vincent:
You cannot sentence people to recovery. You cannot cajole them, into it either...for, as the therapy at Mobius [a residential treatment center she stayed at], the message was simple. We are not helping you. We are teaching you that only you can help you...
The fact that I am driving the car doesn't mean that the road will always be smooth or that I can control other drivers, the terrain, the weather, flats, malfunctions, darting animals, and other acts of God. But it gives me the vital sense of getting somewhere under my own power, of refusing to accept passively wandering servitude to medical whim and the lonely defects of personality or birth.
I definitely relate to this as well. I've gone into therapy determined not to get well, because I was forced, and sure enough I just digressed further. Years later, I finally just felt broken enough to accept help, and it was a complete 180 from my previous therapy experience (although the therapist was a LOT better that time, I would've been obstinate no matter how good the first one was). Not, of course, that I really enjoyed the eating disorder and wanted to hang onto a disease....it just didn't feel like a choice, I had no idea what I'd have left if I gave it up...feared the answer would be nothing.
From The Sheltering Sky by Paul Bowles:
It was all utterly familiar and wholly horrible--existence unmodifiable, not to be questioned, that must be borne. It would never occur to him to cry out.
And that's the kicker. Sometimes we don't even realize we need, or want, and if we do realize it we simply don't know how to ask for it. So we stay locked in, trying to save face on the outside while the inside is crumbling.
From Let the Great World Spin by Colum McCann:
I gave them all of the truth, and none of the honesty.
It's easy to play along, keep yourself out of the critical zone but still very disordered, and nothing can break through that wall of progress but some hell-bent determination. Which, of course, doesn't happen overnight:
Also from McCann:
When you go around in circles, brother, the world is very big, but if you plow straight ahead it's small enough....
She said she would snap out of it. But the word is not snap, more like slide...I will slide out....
Sometimes recovery is definitely one step forward two steps back, but as you easy into it and gain momentum, the net movement is forward and the steps get more and more significant.
Mary Shelley in Frankenstein:
"By very slow degrees, and with frequent relapses, that alarmed and grieved my friend, I recovered."
And to close, a quote from Erica Jong (I haven't actually read any of her books, but came across the quote online a long time ago and wrote it down, sorry I don't have the source):
It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
From The Bitch in the House, which I read based on Kim's impeccable recommendation:
...it occurred to me that I was succeeding in the world with only part of my brain engaged. While a tenth of it was devoted to school, a tenth devoted to my daughter, and perhaps another tenth devoted to family crises and illnesses, the other 70 percent of my mind was constantly focused on food--the calorie count of a grape, the filling bulk of popcorn...How much farther, I thought, can I go in the world if I used that 70 percent more wisely?
This *really* hit home for me. When I think of how many hours every day, week, month, year, decade and more that I've spent on ED thoughts and behaviors, it sickens me. I could have read hundreds more books, become multi-lingual, taken trips, met people, learned to ski, learned another instrument, been more involved, made more of a difference, actually lived like I'd never get each day back, which I won't. It bothers me because it's an ongoing issue as well. Not so much with the thoughts, although I do have meal planning anxiety regularly (not choosing how much to eat, I stick to prescribed calories, but all my stupid rationalizations about what to eat to fill that requirement). But the exercise eats up a ridiculous chunk of my day and totally dictates my schedule. I am frustrated beyond belief, but still feel pretty powerless to stop it. Which leads to the next excerpt...
And from Voluntary Madness, by Norah Vincent:
You cannot sentence people to recovery. You cannot cajole them, into it either...for, as the therapy at Mobius [a residential treatment center she stayed at], the message was simple. We are not helping you. We are teaching you that only you can help you...
The fact that I am driving the car doesn't mean that the road will always be smooth or that I can control other drivers, the terrain, the weather, flats, malfunctions, darting animals, and other acts of God. But it gives me the vital sense of getting somewhere under my own power, of refusing to accept passively wandering servitude to medical whim and the lonely defects of personality or birth.
I definitely relate to this as well. I've gone into therapy determined not to get well, because I was forced, and sure enough I just digressed further. Years later, I finally just felt broken enough to accept help, and it was a complete 180 from my previous therapy experience (although the therapist was a LOT better that time, I would've been obstinate no matter how good the first one was). Not, of course, that I really enjoyed the eating disorder and wanted to hang onto a disease....it just didn't feel like a choice, I had no idea what I'd have left if I gave it up...feared the answer would be nothing.
From The Sheltering Sky by Paul Bowles:
It was all utterly familiar and wholly horrible--existence unmodifiable, not to be questioned, that must be borne. It would never occur to him to cry out.
And that's the kicker. Sometimes we don't even realize we need, or want, and if we do realize it we simply don't know how to ask for it. So we stay locked in, trying to save face on the outside while the inside is crumbling.
From Let the Great World Spin by Colum McCann:
I gave them all of the truth, and none of the honesty.
It's easy to play along, keep yourself out of the critical zone but still very disordered, and nothing can break through that wall of progress but some hell-bent determination. Which, of course, doesn't happen overnight:
Also from McCann:
When you go around in circles, brother, the world is very big, but if you plow straight ahead it's small enough....
She said she would snap out of it. But the word is not snap, more like slide...I will slide out....
Sometimes recovery is definitely one step forward two steps back, but as you easy into it and gain momentum, the net movement is forward and the steps get more and more significant.
Mary Shelley in Frankenstein:
"By very slow degrees, and with frequent relapses, that alarmed and grieved my friend, I recovered."
And to close, a quote from Erica Jong (I haven't actually read any of her books, but came across the quote online a long time ago and wrote it down, sorry I don't have the source):
It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Smoothing Out the Edges
I often have blogger's remorse after I do a negative post, so I felt the need to redeem myself after yesterday's whinefest. Yes, all of those things are difficult right now. But in the big picture, I don't have it so bad...even my rough patches have pretty smooth edges, if you think about it
I am sick but...I live in a country with top medical services available, AND I have a great health insurance package. After a year of paying tons of money for a mediocre plan, my university started offering a great plan that I get for free. I switched immediately, and it is so nice to not have to worry about a high co-pay and deductible every time I set foot in someone's examining room. I know so many people have no medical insurance at all, and I'm really lucky that I do.
My boyfriend lives 600 miles away...but he is still super-attentive and ultra-trustworthy. I have never for a second worried about him straying. And he texts me good morning and good night, and all day in between. He makes sure I know I'm loved no matter what else is going on. I can tell him when I'm struggling without being judged, and he understand that I don't look to him to fix anything, it's enough to just be able to get it off my chest. And he's just plain fun, he invariably knows how to make me smile, even on the worst of days.
I am back living with my family....and I have a healthy family that I am very proud of and close to. They're letting me live here rent-free, which is really saving me financially right now. I get along with them, they give me my privacy, and G. gets a lot more stimulation with more people and cats to track around the house.
I'm definitely feeling lonely and disconnected...but I do indeed have a great network of friends that care about me, even if they're not close by. I moved a ton when I'm a kid, and I know from experience that friendships can stay strong over the miles and years.
I'm feeling a bit puny but not gaining weight despite following my meal plan....but I'm at a psychological point where I can follow the meal plan every day, getting at least that much nourishment. It means eating amounts/types of food that would have been unfathomable to a former version of Cammy. And even though I have lost weight this year, I'm definitely more robust than I kept myself for most of high school and undergrad.
I'm feeling pointless because I don't have enough work....but at least I'm getting a bit of a breather, compared to semesters when I literally had to consult my planner to see when I could fit in a shower. I'm sure that I'll have plenty of high-stress hectic times before I finish my MS and PhD, shouldn't complain about a quiet period while I have it. And it has given me time to work on a couple of side projects not related to my thesis.
One of my favorite professors died...ok it's hard to find a positive for this one. So I'll just be glad that I had the chance to know her when she was alive. She left a huge imprint on so many lives, even though hers was cut off early.
In the big picture, it ain't so bad. Yesterday was one of my Down Days, today has been a bit better. Thanks for the texts, comments, and e-mails, by the way, you know who you are and you're awesome. <3
I am sick but...I live in a country with top medical services available, AND I have a great health insurance package. After a year of paying tons of money for a mediocre plan, my university started offering a great plan that I get for free. I switched immediately, and it is so nice to not have to worry about a high co-pay and deductible every time I set foot in someone's examining room. I know so many people have no medical insurance at all, and I'm really lucky that I do.
My boyfriend lives 600 miles away...but he is still super-attentive and ultra-trustworthy. I have never for a second worried about him straying. And he texts me good morning and good night, and all day in between. He makes sure I know I'm loved no matter what else is going on. I can tell him when I'm struggling without being judged, and he understand that I don't look to him to fix anything, it's enough to just be able to get it off my chest. And he's just plain fun, he invariably knows how to make me smile, even on the worst of days.
I am back living with my family....and I have a healthy family that I am very proud of and close to. They're letting me live here rent-free, which is really saving me financially right now. I get along with them, they give me my privacy, and G. gets a lot more stimulation with more people and cats to track around the house.
I'm definitely feeling lonely and disconnected...but I do indeed have a great network of friends that care about me, even if they're not close by. I moved a ton when I'm a kid, and I know from experience that friendships can stay strong over the miles and years.
I'm feeling a bit puny but not gaining weight despite following my meal plan....but I'm at a psychological point where I can follow the meal plan every day, getting at least that much nourishment. It means eating amounts/types of food that would have been unfathomable to a former version of Cammy. And even though I have lost weight this year, I'm definitely more robust than I kept myself for most of high school and undergrad.
I'm feeling pointless because I don't have enough work....but at least I'm getting a bit of a breather, compared to semesters when I literally had to consult my planner to see when I could fit in a shower. I'm sure that I'll have plenty of high-stress hectic times before I finish my MS and PhD, shouldn't complain about a quiet period while I have it. And it has given me time to work on a couple of side projects not related to my thesis.
One of my favorite professors died...ok it's hard to find a positive for this one. So I'll just be glad that I had the chance to know her when she was alive. She left a huge imprint on so many lives, even though hers was cut off early.
In the big picture, it ain't so bad. Yesterday was one of my Down Days, today has been a bit better. Thanks for the texts, comments, and e-mails, by the way, you know who you are and you're awesome. <3
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Rough Patch
I never thought I'd think/say this, but I'm actually getting a little frustrated that I'm not gaining weight. I have stayed consistent with my food intake, and am actually down a little bit, if anything. Really weird. I'm wondering if the antibiotics that I'm on are messing with my gut flora such that I'm not digesting like I should. Although I haven't had any of the gastro issues they warn you about with antibiotics. Who knows. I just don't feel good right now. I get light-headed and fatigued easily, I have to worry about my heart palps if I'm out in the cold, etc etc. I'm sure it's partly due to the infection, but I know I'm suboptimal on my weight and it probably isn't helping anything.
Of course, a reasonable, normal person would think, well, I'm not gaining weight on my meal plan, why don't I....eat more food? Huh. Or stop exercising obsessively? Hmm. I want to be a reasonable, normal person when I grow up.
I don't mean to be glib. Not much anyway. It's just been a rough week or so and I feel like even cheesy lightness is better than being a total downer. I traveled down to my undergrad town to go to a very, very sad funeral last week. Most tragic memorial I've ever been to in my life. The world is not fair. Then this week my infection flared up again. I cannot stand when my body has something going on that I can't control. I know that plays up to every single stereotype about anorexics being "all about control", which I don't necessarily agree with, but I'll agree that to a certain degree it is an issue, in at least some cases.
I feel pointless right now. In between research trips I don't have much to do. Being back at my undergrad school, where I still have tons of friends, reminded me of how much richer my life was down there. Here I am living with my parents, my boyfriend is 600 miles away, I have pretty much zero opportunities for face-to-face grown up conversations except for with the old lady I've befriended at the gym, where I really should be spending less time. This is not how I pictured my life as a master's student/developing scientist, and I kind of feel like crying right now but I'm afraid if I start I won't stop.
Of course, a reasonable, normal person would think, well, I'm not gaining weight on my meal plan, why don't I....eat more food? Huh. Or stop exercising obsessively? Hmm. I want to be a reasonable, normal person when I grow up.
I don't mean to be glib. Not much anyway. It's just been a rough week or so and I feel like even cheesy lightness is better than being a total downer. I traveled down to my undergrad town to go to a very, very sad funeral last week. Most tragic memorial I've ever been to in my life. The world is not fair. Then this week my infection flared up again. I cannot stand when my body has something going on that I can't control. I know that plays up to every single stereotype about anorexics being "all about control", which I don't necessarily agree with, but I'll agree that to a certain degree it is an issue, in at least some cases.
I feel pointless right now. In between research trips I don't have much to do. Being back at my undergrad school, where I still have tons of friends, reminded me of how much richer my life was down there. Here I am living with my parents, my boyfriend is 600 miles away, I have pretty much zero opportunities for face-to-face grown up conversations except for with the old lady I've befriended at the gym, where I really should be spending less time. This is not how I pictured my life as a master's student/developing scientist, and I kind of feel like crying right now but I'm afraid if I start I won't stop.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
No Universal Equation
So, I've hit the milestone of an entire week of 100% mealplan compliance, after nearly a month off the wagon. I wanted to write a brief post about a phenomenon that I've observed/experienced over and over again: the myth of the magic calorie equation, that for each and every X calories you gain X pounds. "If you have just two extra grapes every day, it all accumulates to X per year" and that scare-tactic bullshit. In truth, bodies don't care much about hypothetical arithmetic.
According to the equations, I should have gained 2 pounds in the past week, and from the increase in food I *felt* like I'd gain 10 overnight. I still weigh myself every morning (a BAD habit I'm trying to break), and there has been some flux this week, mostly seems to relate to salt consumption, but ultimately my weight, on average, has gone DOWN this week, despite pretty much doubling my caloric intake. Apparently my metabolism still works, despite my abuse of it over the years...
Now this post is not supposed to celebrate lack of weight gain, because I know I will be better off with some restoration. I just sometimes like to mention examples like this because I know it's easy to get caught up in numbers and tallys and equations and calculations. It feeds the obsession and sometimes keeps us paralyzed with fear of making even the smallest changes.
There have been times when I did gain weight at approximately the rate predicted by the equations, but it never lasted indefinitely, like the diet magazine articles claim. In those cases, I invariably gained for a little while and then hit a plateau and my weight didn't budge until I made an additional jump in calories. None of this "grapes add up over time to XXX pounds" nonsense. There have been times when I slashed exercise or added calories and saw little to no change, but felt my metabolism rev up noticeably. There have also been times when I "gained" several pounds overnight due to a salty meal, only to see it melt away again the next day (a good reason not to put much stock in daily weigh-ins, flux is natural!) . In reality, your body is a dynamic thing that will adjust to the treatment it receives...just something to think about if you're currently trying to psych yourself up for a mealplan increase or something similar. (And just as a disclaimer so as not to be triggering: Chances are, if you're in that position, you *do* need the extra nutrition and weight).
Anyway, rambling now but in a nutshell, try not to assume that each tiny change you make will add up to dramatic changes like the media tries to make us believe, your body is smarter than that.
According to the equations, I should have gained 2 pounds in the past week, and from the increase in food I *felt* like I'd gain 10 overnight. I still weigh myself every morning (a BAD habit I'm trying to break), and there has been some flux this week, mostly seems to relate to salt consumption, but ultimately my weight, on average, has gone DOWN this week, despite pretty much doubling my caloric intake. Apparently my metabolism still works, despite my abuse of it over the years...
Now this post is not supposed to celebrate lack of weight gain, because I know I will be better off with some restoration. I just sometimes like to mention examples like this because I know it's easy to get caught up in numbers and tallys and equations and calculations. It feeds the obsession and sometimes keeps us paralyzed with fear of making even the smallest changes.
There have been times when I did gain weight at approximately the rate predicted by the equations, but it never lasted indefinitely, like the diet magazine articles claim. In those cases, I invariably gained for a little while and then hit a plateau and my weight didn't budge until I made an additional jump in calories. None of this "grapes add up over time to XXX pounds" nonsense. There have been times when I slashed exercise or added calories and saw little to no change, but felt my metabolism rev up noticeably. There have also been times when I "gained" several pounds overnight due to a salty meal, only to see it melt away again the next day (a good reason not to put much stock in daily weigh-ins, flux is natural!) . In reality, your body is a dynamic thing that will adjust to the treatment it receives...just something to think about if you're currently trying to psych yourself up for a mealplan increase or something similar. (And just as a disclaimer so as not to be triggering: Chances are, if you're in that position, you *do* need the extra nutrition and weight).
Anyway, rambling now but in a nutshell, try not to assume that each tiny change you make will add up to dramatic changes like the media tries to make us believe, your body is smarter than that.
Monday, November 8, 2010
More Weekend Notes
A couple of notes from the weekend that I didn't mention yesterday, because it would have messed up the thematic-ness of a post that was getting lengthy anyway:
1) A close adviser, role model, and friend of mine was killed in a traffic accident on Friday. Total shock, huge loss to the community. The world is not fair. I literally would not be where I am today, professionally and academically, were it not for her. I'm going to stop typing about it now so I don't resume crying for the millionth time.
2) I ended up at the walk-in clinic on Saturday morning with a lesion that had been looking bad for a day or two and was very swollen and gross when I woke up that morning. Verdict: Staph. :'-( This is also one reason I've been careful to fulfill the mealplan (today made 6 days in a row), I just want my body to heal, damnit. I've been having killer headaches, but I don't know if that's from the infection or the drugs that are supposed to be fixing it. Yesterday the spot was looking noticeably better, but today I'm afraid it looks worse, although it could be all in my head. I don't like this!!!
3) I feel like I should end on a positive note: I've made good progress on a paper I hope to submit for publication soon. My oldest younger brother has been in an uncharacteristically good-natured mood lately. I have a dad that goes out in the frost in his boxers every morning to warm my mom's car up for her before she leaves for school, because he worships the ground that she walks on, and that just makes me feel good inside.
I hope everyone's week is off to a good start!
<3
1) A close adviser, role model, and friend of mine was killed in a traffic accident on Friday. Total shock, huge loss to the community. The world is not fair. I literally would not be where I am today, professionally and academically, were it not for her. I'm going to stop typing about it now so I don't resume crying for the millionth time.
2) I ended up at the walk-in clinic on Saturday morning with a lesion that had been looking bad for a day or two and was very swollen and gross when I woke up that morning. Verdict: Staph. :'-( This is also one reason I've been careful to fulfill the mealplan (today made 6 days in a row), I just want my body to heal, damnit. I've been having killer headaches, but I don't know if that's from the infection or the drugs that are supposed to be fixing it. Yesterday the spot was looking noticeably better, but today I'm afraid it looks worse, although it could be all in my head. I don't like this!!!
3) I feel like I should end on a positive note: I've made good progress on a paper I hope to submit for publication soon. My oldest younger brother has been in an uncharacteristically good-natured mood lately. I have a dad that goes out in the frost in his boxers every morning to warm my mom's car up for her before she leaves for school, because he worships the ground that she walks on, and that just makes me feel good inside.
I hope everyone's week is off to a good start!
<3
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Negative Positive Reinforcement?
Match is an astute guy, and although I know he's fairly in tune to me, sometimes he still surprises me with certain insights. Yesterday he initiated a pretty serious conversation about how he's concerned after my last visit, because I was thinner than the last time he'd seen me, and he knows that I've been struggling to stay on track ED-wise with my frequent traveling this fall. He knows I still have periodic heart palpitations, really over-do the exercise, etc. He knows this is the longest I've gone without therapy in almost 3 years. During my visit last week I had a heart-to-heart with him about how frustrating it is that sometimes the behaviors/patterns don't even seem like a choice, it's just what I do, and freedom is so hard to picture.
So of course he's concerned. He knows I don't want him to fix anything for me, just having him to confide in is a huge help. He knows he can't fully understand what it's like for me, and that he can't make it better even if that's what I wanted from him (which I don't), but he is trying to at least make sure he's as in the loop as possible about how I'm doing with it.
One insightful question he had yesterday that I thought worth sharing and trying to stimulate some discussion about:
Do you think it's harmful in the long run if I compliment your appearance when you're thinner, does that serve as unhealthy positive reinforcement?
(Just to note he has NEVER complimented me specifically for losing weight or looking thinner, nothing of the sort, but I do get lots of "you're pretty" type compliments every time I see him).
My answer to him was: it's an interesting issue, and complicated. I tell myself that even if he likes how I look at my current weight, it doesn't mean he *prefers* it to when I was a few pounds more. Getting compliments boosts my self esteem. BUT I won't say I never have anxiety about whether his opinion will change along with my appearance if I gain X pounds back. Granted, I've been heavier than now when we were dating and he seemed just as attracted to me, so I don't think it's a huge issue, but I won't say it's a non-issue either. But if I did think he suddenly found me unattractive, my gut (unquestionably wrong and irrational) reaction would be that I must need to get thinner. I told him all of that, and he said that he actually thought I looked better before the recent weight loss, and that he preferred that and was "worried less." It kind of irks me when people associate level of justified concern with body weight at a given time (you don't have to be underweight to be struggling profoundly), but I knew what he was trying to say, and from a physical standpoint it is partially justified, I suppose. It also kind of goes back on his claim that he doesn't notice subtle changes in body weight, but if you compare my weight to 6 months ago it might look more than subtle, I can never tell.
Thoughts on this issue? Experiences? Opinions?
P.S.
I have actually done REALLY well with food this week, on day 5 in a row of 100% meal plan. I'm feeling a lot better than I was last month. Like I told M., I really am trying.
So of course he's concerned. He knows I don't want him to fix anything for me, just having him to confide in is a huge help. He knows he can't fully understand what it's like for me, and that he can't make it better even if that's what I wanted from him (which I don't), but he is trying to at least make sure he's as in the loop as possible about how I'm doing with it.
One insightful question he had yesterday that I thought worth sharing and trying to stimulate some discussion about:
Do you think it's harmful in the long run if I compliment your appearance when you're thinner, does that serve as unhealthy positive reinforcement?
(Just to note he has NEVER complimented me specifically for losing weight or looking thinner, nothing of the sort, but I do get lots of "you're pretty" type compliments every time I see him).
My answer to him was: it's an interesting issue, and complicated. I tell myself that even if he likes how I look at my current weight, it doesn't mean he *prefers* it to when I was a few pounds more. Getting compliments boosts my self esteem. BUT I won't say I never have anxiety about whether his opinion will change along with my appearance if I gain X pounds back. Granted, I've been heavier than now when we were dating and he seemed just as attracted to me, so I don't think it's a huge issue, but I won't say it's a non-issue either. But if I did think he suddenly found me unattractive, my gut (unquestionably wrong and irrational) reaction would be that I must need to get thinner. I told him all of that, and he said that he actually thought I looked better before the recent weight loss, and that he preferred that and was "worried less." It kind of irks me when people associate level of justified concern with body weight at a given time (you don't have to be underweight to be struggling profoundly), but I knew what he was trying to say, and from a physical standpoint it is partially justified, I suppose. It also kind of goes back on his claim that he doesn't notice subtle changes in body weight, but if you compare my weight to 6 months ago it might look more than subtle, I can never tell.
Thoughts on this issue? Experiences? Opinions?
P.S.
I have actually done REALLY well with food this week, on day 5 in a row of 100% meal plan. I'm feeling a lot better than I was last month. Like I told M., I really am trying.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Vulnerability
Day Two of meeting complete meal plan. It apparently hasn't killed me, so it might actually be making me stronger. ;p
So, I found a link to Self Discovery, Word-by-Word (hosted by Karen at Before and After this month) through Katie's post at Health for the Whole Self, and I really like this concept. Every month there is a key word, and bloggers are invited to write a post using the word as a theme. This month's word, vulnerability, immediately made me think of what happened yesterday that ended up causing a sort of angsty past 24 hours.
Match and I were talking, and out of the blue he mentioned that his mom and one of his brothers (they visited him last month) directly asked him if I had an eating disorder. Being the upstanding guy that he is, he wasn't about to lie to his mama, and I'd never specifically asked him to keep it from anyone, so he told them yes. He sort of fudged it, apparently he told them that I used to struggle with it but have pretty much got it under control now (both true and not quite, I'm worlds better than I was and worlds away from where I want to be). He said they didn't judge me for it, everyone has something in their history, and this one isn't a big deal to them, etc.
Still, I immediately felt so vulnerable and insecure. I wasn't mad at Match for telling; they asked him directly and he answered as discretely as possible. I was upset, but not at him. I was upset at myself for being the Damaged Neurotic Girlfriend with Issues, and sure that's exactly how his family will see me now. He only told his brother and mom, but his brother has a girlfriend (who made me uncomfortable in eating contexts even before this), and I'm sure his dad (his parents are divorced) will find out via the brother and girlfriend because we're scheduled to have Thanksgiving dinner with the three of them. I felt fine about doing the holiday meal with them before, but now that I know at least two and probably all three of them will know about the ED stuff, I feel so incredibly vulnerable and open to scrutiny.
Match was really concerned about how I'd take the news, he knows that I automatically get down on myself for not being "normal" (who is normal about food these days, anyway? it's a shame). I told him that once people know about my ED, I feel like there are certain expectations for how I should look and act, and that for some reason I have such a hard time not pressuring myself to meet those expectations, it's like a fear that not doing it will draw more attention to myself than just playing along.
What is the vulnerability in just acting the way I want, eating what I want, not worrying about what they see or expect to see? It's Thanksgiving, pass the damn pie, how hard is that? Why do I have to stress over violating someone's preconceived notions of what an ED looks like?
Well, partly because I don't know how to eat or do what I want (sometimes, I'm afraid, I don't even know who I am) anymore, the ED patterns have been too ingrained and for too long. I'm much healthier now than when I was at my rock bottom with anorexia, but I still don't feel the least bit free of it. Even when I'm doing "well", I'm following a set meal plan and don't really need to think about what I feel like having, because I wouldn't have the faintest clue without specific instructions. Yes, I have one science degree and am halfway through a second one, but I can't manage to master feeding myself. My hunger/satiety cues are shot to hell, and if I don't have prescribed portions, food groups, and times, I get out of whack very fast. One of the most basic aspects of life, that even my dog manages to regulate intuitively, and I can't for the life of me get a grasp on it. Epic fail. And now his family knows and god only knows how they perceive it. I'm used to the issue, it's a legitimate psychological issue with a large biological component, but the moment I let myself try to picture it through their eyes, I am so utterly ashamed of myself. Vulnerable, anyone?
I tried to explain to M. why it's harder for me around people who do know about the ED than those who don't, I guess that might seem counter-intuitive to some people. His response actually did help a bit in one way, was frustrating in another: "I told them you struggled with it in the past but you've got a hold on it, babe, so all you have to do is eat and they aren't going to think anything of it."
All you have to do is eat. Right. It's just natural, I see. If that were true, the second entire half of my life would have been a much different experience, no?
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Win for the Day
Today was my first One Hundred Percent of Meal Plan Day in almost a month. Feeling kind of gluggish, but that's par for the course, unfortunately. Next item of business is to wake up tomorrow and do it again...
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Scrambling Back into the Saddle
First day back after my almost week-long travels, and I've really made an effort to get back on track with my eating, which admittedly has been very poor all month. I've done well with getting in more calories today, almost up to baseline, but I feel massively blobby and gross, even though I know it's impossible to have gained 10 pounds in the last 12 hours. And that even if I HAD, I could afford it. Anyway, the point is that I'm trying to grit my teeth and not fall out of the saddle as I try to clamber back into it.
On the plus side, I had a great weekend with Match, as always. It felt much more like a birthday weekend, and I was pampered beyond all reason. ;) The one food victory of the weekend was my actual birthday dinner (not actually on my birthday, but the night we went to a fancy restaurant and he gave me my present). I ordered the item on the menu that I thought looked most appealing, instead of the one that looked like it had the least calories, and I actually ate the entire portion. I don't usually post food specifics, but this was so good: pistachio-almond crusted tilapia with lavender honey butter. Granted, I'd done a bit of "saving up" calories that day, but usually I would have chickened out from trying something for which I had no idea of nutrition data.
Match and I did have a serious talk/cry about my ED stuff, I told him I've been struggling since my research trip in October. He still swears he's oblivious to subtle weight changes. and I think he's very worried that part of my struggles is wanting to stay thin for him. When I told him that at one point when we've been dating I weighed XX pounds more than I do now, he looked surprised and commented "Well I honestly have no idea when that was, but you looked beautiful because you always do." Smooth talker, that Match....although I do tend to believe his claim that he doesn't notice the changes as much as I do. Overall it was a great weekend, is always hard to leave, he's way too good to me.
So, working to get back on the wagon and hold on for dear life. I'm tired of feeling the way I have this month.
On the plus side, I had a great weekend with Match, as always. It felt much more like a birthday weekend, and I was pampered beyond all reason. ;) The one food victory of the weekend was my actual birthday dinner (not actually on my birthday, but the night we went to a fancy restaurant and he gave me my present). I ordered the item on the menu that I thought looked most appealing, instead of the one that looked like it had the least calories, and I actually ate the entire portion. I don't usually post food specifics, but this was so good: pistachio-almond crusted tilapia with lavender honey butter. Granted, I'd done a bit of "saving up" calories that day, but usually I would have chickened out from trying something for which I had no idea of nutrition data.
Match and I did have a serious talk/cry about my ED stuff, I told him I've been struggling since my research trip in October. He still swears he's oblivious to subtle weight changes. and I think he's very worried that part of my struggles is wanting to stay thin for him. When I told him that at one point when we've been dating I weighed XX pounds more than I do now, he looked surprised and commented "Well I honestly have no idea when that was, but you looked beautiful because you always do." Smooth talker, that Match....although I do tend to believe his claim that he doesn't notice the changes as much as I do. Overall it was a great weekend, is always hard to leave, he's way too good to me.
So, working to get back on the wagon and hold on for dear life. I'm tired of feeling the way I have this month.
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