Match is an astute guy, and although I know he's fairly in tune to me, sometimes he still surprises me with certain insights. Yesterday he initiated a pretty serious conversation about how he's concerned after my last visit, because I was thinner than the last time he'd seen me, and he knows that I've been struggling to stay on track ED-wise with my frequent traveling this fall. He knows I still have periodic heart palpitations, really over-do the exercise, etc. He knows this is the longest I've gone without therapy in almost 3 years. During my visit last week I had a heart-to-heart with him about how frustrating it is that sometimes the behaviors/patterns don't even seem like a choice, it's just what I do, and freedom is so hard to picture.
So of course he's concerned. He knows I don't want him to fix anything for me, just having him to confide in is a huge help. He knows he can't fully understand what it's like for me, and that he can't make it better even if that's what I wanted from him (which I don't), but he is trying to at least make sure he's as in the loop as possible about how I'm doing with it.
One insightful question he had yesterday that I thought worth sharing and trying to stimulate some discussion about:
Do you think it's harmful in the long run if I compliment your appearance when you're thinner, does that serve as unhealthy positive reinforcement?
(Just to note he has NEVER complimented me specifically for losing weight or looking thinner, nothing of the sort, but I do get lots of "you're pretty" type compliments every time I see him).
My answer to him was: it's an interesting issue, and complicated. I tell myself that even if he likes how I look at my current weight, it doesn't mean he *prefers* it to when I was a few pounds more. Getting compliments boosts my self esteem. BUT I won't say I never have anxiety about whether his opinion will change along with my appearance if I gain X pounds back. Granted, I've been heavier than now when we were dating and he seemed just as attracted to me, so I don't think it's a huge issue, but I won't say it's a non-issue either. But if I did think he suddenly found me unattractive, my gut (unquestionably wrong and irrational) reaction would be that I must need to get thinner. I told him all of that, and he said that he actually thought I looked better before the recent weight loss, and that he preferred that and was "worried less." It kind of irks me when people associate level of justified concern with body weight at a given time (you don't have to be underweight to be struggling profoundly), but I knew what he was trying to say, and from a physical standpoint it is partially justified, I suppose. It also kind of goes back on his claim that he doesn't notice subtle changes in body weight, but if you compare my weight to 6 months ago it might look more than subtle, I can never tell.
Thoughts on this issue? Experiences? Opinions?
P.S.
I have actually done REALLY well with food this week, on day 5 in a row of 100% meal plan. I'm feeling a lot better than I was last month. Like I told M., I really am trying.
4 comments:
wow, it's like youre inside my mind! i am often troubled by compliments vs concerns in relation to weight, bc it really does depend on my mood, a lot of times. when ED is more likely to creep in, i may be urked by certain compliments-- it could trigger obsessive thoughts of even strong feelings about whether someone is concerned (or not concerned) about me because of a number.
interesting and thought provoking post, really makes me think!
I have been married many years, and my husband met me when I was struggling pretty significantly with anorexia (as I still am, though I have had several years remission). He complimented me at high weights, when pregnant and even when I looked horrible and was both quite medically compromised and engaged in the eating disorder. He says those days when I was well and at a healthy weight were "the glory days," and that he loved my body then. But, he compliments me every day ... not on my body but how my hair is thick and pretty; that he likes my outfit; thinks I have "cute feet;" that I smell good or my skin is soft. I used to take that to mean that I must not be as sick as people said ... that if I was, then he would be repulsed by the shocking nature of emaciation and related conditions. That, if I was really sick and not too thin, he wouldn't be complimenting me and sounding sincere ... he just wouldn't say anything, or I would hear a lack of authenticity in his voice or see it in his face. But, he always says he loves me, no matter what, and yes ... he wishes I was better, but he still finds me attractive because I'm the woman he loves, his friend, the mother of his children, and there's more to me than the embodiment of my eating disorder. There were times that I wished he wouldn't find me attractive, b/c it was/is a trigger for old stuff, but I have reconciled that he's just gonna say nice things and walk through this with me, no matter what. I *do* make an effort to avoid looking like shit: I like to wear nice clothes and jewelry; to do my hair; to use lotions and nail polish and perfume. I know many people with eating disorders have grooming issues, and I have been in treatment with many patients who never change clothes or don't touch their hair ... or who intend to be off-putting in appearance (or are just too depressed to care).
In some relationships, I think dealing with the ED and appearance is akin to couples who no longer see (or focus on) each others' "faults" ... or how you just see the grandparent you love and not the wear and tear on their bodies.
I think positive comments could be negative reinforcement for people whose relationship is appearance-based, or if there is one party who puts particular value on body, weight and shape. Match doesn't seem like that guy, and your relationship doesn't seem to have those kinds of values. I think it's important that the compliments are genuine, and I think it's important for you to feel cherished and supported in spite of, despite or beyond blips up and down in your recovery.
There's a bit of an onus on you, however, to speak up if Match is inadvertently giving the ED little bits of ammunition ... no matter his intent. If you make a commitment to being honest about how a comment might strike you and letting him know that you'll let him know ... then maybe compliments can be just that ... feel-good words from someone you care about that can help carry you over and through the rough spots.
I've always found it helpful to hear, "I love you just as you are." If I feel like love is conditional on weight (gains or losses), there's a pressure that gets complicated. I know my husband ADORES me. He makes it very clear that I'm beautiful to him. At the same time, I know he'd love more to grab. Haha. There's just an understanding that he wants me healthy, first and foremost.
Hey Cammy, sorry to be out of the blog loop so much, but hi! and I just wanted to comment on two things. 1) My in-laws know about my struggle with bulimia, and although there have been challenges, overall I am glad they know. They ask a lot more questions about what I would prefer regarding food/timings etc. (however, they did immediately remark to my husband, upon first finding out, that they were now 'very were worried about our social life as a couple'. They are such assholes at times - how about concern for my health? thanks.) but 2) no healthy man will ever be more attracted to you when your physical appearance raises questions about having an ED than when you are slim/healthy looking. It sounds like people are worried about you right now. As an educated adult woman, you need to let it sink in that that appearance does not = pretty, feminine, or a desirable state for your body to be in, in any way. You want to be taken seriously as a capable professional and a reliable friend/daughter/gf, right? You can do it. Be strong and override the addiction. I know you can do it.
massive hugs.
CG
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