I never thought I'd think/say this, but I'm actually getting a little frustrated that I'm not gaining weight. I have stayed consistent with my food intake, and am actually down a little bit, if anything. Really weird. I'm wondering if the antibiotics that I'm on are messing with my gut flora such that I'm not digesting like I should. Although I haven't had any of the gastro issues they warn you about with antibiotics. Who knows. I just don't feel good right now. I get light-headed and fatigued easily, I have to worry about my heart palps if I'm out in the cold, etc etc. I'm sure it's partly due to the infection, but I know I'm suboptimal on my weight and it probably isn't helping anything.
Of course, a reasonable, normal person would think, well, I'm not gaining weight on my meal plan, why don't I....eat more food? Huh. Or stop exercising obsessively? Hmm. I want to be a reasonable, normal person when I grow up.
I don't mean to be glib. Not much anyway. It's just been a rough week or so and I feel like even cheesy lightness is better than being a total downer. I traveled down to my undergrad town to go to a very, very sad funeral last week. Most tragic memorial I've ever been to in my life. The world is not fair. Then this week my infection flared up again. I cannot stand when my body has something going on that I can't control. I know that plays up to every single stereotype about anorexics being "all about control", which I don't necessarily agree with, but I'll agree that to a certain degree it is an issue, in at least some cases.
I feel pointless right now. In between research trips I don't have much to do. Being back at my undergrad school, where I still have tons of friends, reminded me of how much richer my life was down there. Here I am living with my parents, my boyfriend is 600 miles away, I have pretty much zero opportunities for face-to-face grown up conversations except for with the old lady I've befriended at the gym, where I really should be spending less time. This is not how I pictured my life as a master's student/developing scientist, and I kind of feel like crying right now but I'm afraid if I start I won't stop.
2 comments:
So sorry for your rough patch this week. I know the funeral was really hard for you, but I know you enjoyed going back to your alma mater.
As for your body, it sucks when it is not cooperating. It's certainly possible that the antibiotics messed with your body a bit. But in any case, just keep up with your meal plan and continue doing it.
As for the rest of things, can you get involved in anything between research trips? Maybe take a class of some sort, delve into a hobby? If I were closer, I'd hang out with you. ;-)
Oh, girly-o, I wish I could just give you a hug. Oh, wait! I will soon! <3
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