Front-Strike Success

I haven't written a lot lately; have been pretty wrapped up in thinking about other parts of my life and there doesn't seem to be much to report here.  I have had a little break from traveling, but it kicks up again for another 2-3 week stretch soon. All the travel has sort of arrested my progress on the exercise reduction, since it's incredibly hard for me to let myself cut back when I know I'm facing several weeks of planes/shared hotel rooms with little chance to work out at all.  I'm really so, so ready to have a life that isn't controlled by workout schedules, though, and want to make progress on that a bigger priority once I'm back from being on the road.  And I do think I have been handling the reduced exercise conditions during travel pretty well, so that's a different form of progress that has been a success.

Speaking of exercise, I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but D., my dietician, gave me the green light to test out running again--albeit with some strict rules.  No more than 2-3 times a week, and for a very modest amount of time each session, and it has to be a substitute for other exercise (not added on top of what I was already doing).  We were talking about my exercise patterns, and sort of hit on something I'd never consciously realized before: my exercise was always very rigid, but didn't really get uber-excessive in terms of volume/time until I had to give up running due to my joint health (basically ran my knees into the ground by the time I was 21--not an unexpected result from going years without any days off during a period of severe food restriction, low bone density, and a few stress fractures/bone spurs).  

After I had to quit running, it was like I was still trying to get that endorphin hit, doing more and more and more of other exercises but never getting the same runner's high.  So D. and I agreed that I can start testing myself on runs again in order to help me tolerate larger cuts in overall exercise time.  My knees were the main reason I'd stayed out of running for 4ish years, so I studied a lot on proper form, bought some special front-strike running shoes (not the funky vibram toe shoes, though!), and gave it a try.  And so far....absolutely NO joint pain! Nada.  I'm amazed and thrilled.  It's murder on my calves, because with front-strike stride they absorb a lot of the impact that my knees used to take, but they'll get stronger.  Especially since I'm being good and taking plenty of non-run days between sessions.  Also, I started on the couch-to-5k program for designing runs, so it's really not strenuous (considering I was definitely not starting from "couch", cardio-wise).  

Anyway, of course I do NOT mean to imply that taking up running is recommended as a recovery strategy, and I don't think anyone should add to their workout in recovery at all without approval of their treatment team, but the point here (sanctioned by my team) is for me to learn how to add back in an activity I enjoyed pre-ED, but in a healthy and balanced way. I've been doing pretty excellent with the food side of things, especially given my recent travel schedule. I had a recent health workup that showed I'm very stable medically, even if I do have some weight left to gain. I definitely feel myself shifting more towards a fitness than thinness/calorie-burn oriented workout mentality, which is really refreshing and empowering.

(NOTE, though, that bloodwork can sometimes be misleadingly normal for people that are doing poorly with an ED, it's weird like that.  The only things that ever came up abnormal for me, even at my sickest, were liver enzymes and T4 levels).

In other news, I met a friend for breakfast this morning and had a nice catch-up session, which made me feel great and amazingly normal.  I need to start working on my thesis defense talk, which means it looks like a great day to clean my apartment. ;)

Despite the sky-high background stress, my mood has been great recently.  I credit the days getting longer and the huge relief that I am wrapping up this era of my professional life and moving on to something bigger and better soon.

That being said, where I'll be at the next step is still entirely up in the air, as is Match's, which is stressful as hell but we can't do a whole lot about it at this point.  I'm getting very worn out on some aspects of the long distance relationship setup.  It's just not ideal emotionally, financially, hormonally, schedule-wise, etc...but it's been worth it so far, and we're taking/enduring it a day at a time.  I'm not sure at all how things will play out at the next stage.

I hope everyone had a great weekend, love y'all.

Unwelcome Twists

I hate it when I think I have things figured out, but when it comes to making decisions/acting on them, I second guess myself and everything just turns into an inchoate swirl of anxiety and dread.  It twists what should be fantastic news into a nightmare.

Life is just a bit of a mindfuck right now.

Fetters Loosened

This has been a challenging past 10ish days, as I've been traveling almost nonstop and have been in a ton of social eating situations with people upon which it is imperative that I make a good impression.

And honestly, I think I handled it incredibly well.  Nearly every day, I ordered and consumed adequate amounts of non-salad foods, had extra treats I probably didn't "need", including everything from wine to brownies.  Some days were pretty active, others were pretty inactive, most were in the middle. My intake did flux with that somewhat but I think overall it was a pretty successful experiment.

I wasn't adventurous calorically (except for maybe yesterday, but we were on our feet and active literally the entire day), but I did really challenge myself with ordering things that made it difficult for me to estimate accurately how many calories I was consuming.  I also tried some new types of food I'd never had before (and had NO clue of nutritional content).  I think that Ethiopian cuisine is one of my new favorites, and it was definitely a cool experience (look up "injera", it sounds weird but is incredibly good).

I think that breaking rules (as far as what food I can consume when and in relation to how much exercise I've done) is actually a lot easier when I travel.  At home (meaning both my house and my normal circle of social interactions around campus, town, etc), I am so entrenched in rules and routines, that it seems incredibly hard to make changes, but in new situations it is as if the fetters are loosened and it's easier for me to shift my habits to what the people around me are doing. It really is all psychological, but it's interesting to observe/experience the shift.

It's also interesting that at time it goes completely in the opposite, as I've also had problems with restricting when I travel, due to the loss of the routines discussed above.  Who knows.  I think that the social factor has a lot to do with it. I'm a lot more likely to shift to the restriction side on a solo road trip and the free-er side when I'm in active social settings during travel.

I think I handled all of it fairly guilt free, too, until today.  I had major morning-after regrets about what I ate/drank at a party last night (I was nowhere near drunk, just as a disclaimer), and it has made me super uncomfortable today, but I suppose I'll survive.  I've also been running on a major sleep deficit for over a week, which always makes those things tougher, so I'm hoping it will blow over.

I'm starting to think that one option for my school choice is starting to rise above the others in my mind, but it's also the one where I'm actually not at all sure that I'll get an offer, for various complicated reasons.  I should have answers within the next 2-3 weeks, and then it's on to the next round of big decisions and milestones to figure out--when to move, whether to buy or rent when I get there, how to make money over the summer, etc etc...

Participatory prompt: Do you notice that it's easier or harder for you to break eating rules when you are away from home and your normal routines?

I am way behind on blog reading/commenting, but have a little bit of a breather before I have to travel again.  I hope everyone has had a great weekend, love y'all!

Uncertainty Overload

That weekend was . . . confusing.  Actually this year is just confusing so far.  I'm starting to feel really, really crushing anxiety over not knowing where I will be spending the next (and super significant) portion of my career, who my adviser will be (very important professionally), where I'll be working in the field, how my work will be funded, whether I'll get to take my dog when I move or if I'll have to leave him with my parents (don't laugh, this is a big issue for me), if/where/to what degree I'll be employed this summer (ie whether I will be able to make car payments, not to mention some form of rent and groceries), how often I'll see my family after I move, how far I will be from my boyfriend, or if he and I will even still be together. . .

This last Match visit was very rocky in places.  In some places it was ideal.  I just don't know, it seems like there is very little in my life that is certain right now.

I think some of the rocky-ness was from background stress.  Case in point: on Saturday afternoon Match and I took a cuddlerelax break on the couch and he fell asleep, so I started ruminating about stuff . . . and half an hour later he woke up covered in alternating layers of tear-soaked t-shirt and sniffling (okay, snotting) girlfriend, because I just felt so overwhelmed and emotional.  And instead of getting emotional and flooding other people's shirts with tears when he's stressed, Match just gets short-tempered, and so THAT dynamic was colorful, to say the least, at times. :/

 I had 13 hours in the car to ruminate today, and by the time I pulled into my driveway I was nearly in full-on panic attack mode.  I think I either have a stomach virus or stress-induced tummy ooglies, I can't tell yet.

On the plus side, I have an awesome family and some very good friends, I can't discount that. They are constants. Must remember the positives.

I suppose this is a pure whine/rant post, sorry I don't have any insights/wisdom to offer up tonight.