I don't know why, but I'm obsessed with this song lately. Which means I've been listening to it over and over and will probably totally burn out on it in a week or so and not listen to it again. Such are the vagaries of an all-or-nothing personality sometimes.
The lyrics here don't all necessarily apply to me, but somehow it hits home.
I'm not normally a fan of cheesy lyric videos, but the official music video for this song is really stupid, trust me.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Ixnay on iPhone posting
So true to my ostensibly perfectionist form, I was a little horrified at all the typos and grammatical mistakes in yesterday's post. Just for the record, I was typing it on my phone while I was waiting at the oil change place. It's edited now. I swear I'm literate.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Something Has to Give
I feel like I want to write about what's going on with me and ED stuff, but I don't know how.
I think the main thing on my mind about it right now is that the ED stuff is negatively impacting my day-to-day life experience more right now than it has in years.
I'm just sick of trying to tread water and still feeling like I'm sinking. I'm afraid that after almost 14 years of it I just don't have the energy anymore. When I picture where I want to be in 10 years, there is no room for this bullshit in the picture of what I'll need to be doing....and if this has been an issue for the last decade and a half I don't trust myself not to let it go on for another decade and a half.
I had one of those "crack the whip" therapy sessions this week, and they just don't move me anymore. T. gave me an ultimatum: get to X weight and halve exercise by the end of the semester or she's going to stop seeing me and refer me to IP. Not the first time I've had that threat, and I understand her position (she risks appearing to condone stagnation if she stays complacent with lack of progress). Of course what that will actually mean is that I go back to my next field research season with no therapy support again, which is where I really slipped backwards this past year.
She and I made a more concrete plan for exercise tapering, which I gave a good amount of thought/angst to and then didn't follow through with on the designated days. Match asked me how I felt about not doing it, and my honest answer was: I don't feel anything at all about it. I guess that should scare me.
I'm drowning in class work and have a lot of other things I need to be accomplishing too, and I think all of that cognitive depletion is really setting me back with tackling psychologically/emotionally challenging things on top of that. Maybe that indicates flipped priorities, but these days I feel more like I'm triaging than prioritizing every day.
Something has to give soon, though. Match is being beautifully supportive, but I worry about exhausting him too. I don't know.
I think the main thing on my mind about it right now is that the ED stuff is negatively impacting my day-to-day life experience more right now than it has in years.
I'm just sick of trying to tread water and still feeling like I'm sinking. I'm afraid that after almost 14 years of it I just don't have the energy anymore. When I picture where I want to be in 10 years, there is no room for this bullshit in the picture of what I'll need to be doing....and if this has been an issue for the last decade and a half I don't trust myself not to let it go on for another decade and a half.
I had one of those "crack the whip" therapy sessions this week, and they just don't move me anymore. T. gave me an ultimatum: get to X weight and halve exercise by the end of the semester or she's going to stop seeing me and refer me to IP. Not the first time I've had that threat, and I understand her position (she risks appearing to condone stagnation if she stays complacent with lack of progress). Of course what that will actually mean is that I go back to my next field research season with no therapy support again, which is where I really slipped backwards this past year.
She and I made a more concrete plan for exercise tapering, which I gave a good amount of thought/angst to and then didn't follow through with on the designated days. Match asked me how I felt about not doing it, and my honest answer was: I don't feel anything at all about it. I guess that should scare me.
I'm drowning in class work and have a lot of other things I need to be accomplishing too, and I think all of that cognitive depletion is really setting me back with tackling psychologically/emotionally challenging things on top of that. Maybe that indicates flipped priorities, but these days I feel more like I'm triaging than prioritizing every day.
Something has to give soon, though. Match is being beautifully supportive, but I worry about exhausting him too. I don't know.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Tired
I'm having a rough go of it, y'all. It's been one of those weeks where I really question whether I'm capable of ever having anything except this life. I'm tired.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Invasive Day
So far this morning I've had to give a presentation for a class, had my annual gyno exam and all the invasion involved in that, had blood taken, and then had my brain picked during a therapy session.
Now I just want to spend the rest of the day curled up in a ball in the corner where no one can mess with me.
Now I just want to spend the rest of the day curled up in a ball in the corner where no one can mess with me.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Skype, Sleep, and Other Updates
So, yesterday I did a non-update post, today is an update post, I suppose.
Like I mentioned a few weeks ago, I'm starting up therapy again, although in a different set-up than I've had before. I'm back with T, the last therapist I had during my Master's. I like her, and am so incredibly glad I'm not starting from scratch with a new person.
A few things are different. We're Skyping, and are only meeting twice a month (rather than weekly) since my current insurance gives me zero coverage for therapy and I'm paying 100% out of pocket.
Also, when I saw her before I was concurrently seeing a dietitian (who I LOVED and want back, but I can't afford her anymore). So D. covered most of the food and numbers talk, and with T. I talked more about just stresses, issues, concerns, and general life challenges. So now T is monitoring exercise, weight, etc more, which is a shift in dynamic. She has been surprisingly open about her own history with anorexia, and I always, always wonder if that's one reason she prefers to leave the food/numbers talk to D. when she can. But I have no qualms about her professionalism or the fact that she seems to have had a really thorough recovery (she just had a baby and I've never had any red flags that she's not over her own issues, unlike the first therapist I saw when I moved to Master's City).
We've had two sessions so far. One was sort of an update and "where do we go from here" session, and one was talking about how I hadn't adhered to the exercise goals we discussed in the first session. So there's that. I feel like being at my current weight has lost me the 'privilege' of talking about anything except food/exercise stuff. We always used to talk a lot about work stress, life goals (I was seeing her during the year I was applying to PhD programs), relationship stuff, etc, and I want that back. So I guess I have to get myself out of the weight doghouse first, or else it looks like I'm intentionally being avoidant about ED topics.
By the way, I was in Match City for about three weeks, and just got back to PhD Town a few days ago. I had a good visit with Match . . . our fourth anniversary is TODAY, and I feel like we're still getting better and better at this relationship thing all the time.
I really enjoyed Match and we have a good cohabitation dynamic at this point (a sign of how far I've come; when we first started dating I was still so food/exercise routine oriented that staying over for even a whole weekend would have been unthinkable, much less three weeks...). That being said, it was also nice to come back to my own space, run on 100% my own schedule, etc.
I have to be careful, though. PhD Town is at a pretty high elevation (higher than Denver), and for some reason my body goes into a monkish austerity mode for my first few weeks at altitude. My appetite shrivels up and dies to a degree that alarms even a veteran EDer, and I have trouble sleeping more than 3 hours a night. So that becomes a bit of a quality of life issue after a while . . .
Even when I'm not in altitude mode, I rarely sleep more than 5-6 hours a night when I'm alone. My body just refuses to stay dormant any longer than that. When I'm with Match, though, I can get 8-9 hours easily for a week+ at a time. No idea why.
Which is a good segueway to the fact that I'm increasingly aware of how much healthier I feel when I'm with him. I did gain a bit of weight back while I was there. When we're co-habbing I sleep more, I exercise less, and I eat more well-rounded meals (although I also drink more alcohol). I get roughly the same calories/day there, but at home I often don't feel like bothering to cook and for one meal a day I usually default to pulling out however many protein bars and yogurts (or, lets be honest, ice cream or cereal; I've never had hang-ups about junk food, just calorie totals) I need to meet my calorie mandate--a habit that used to drive D. absolutely nuts.
So now I'm home, left to my own devices, and am really trying hard to stay on track. I signed up to help a friend with some local fieldwork all week (the landscape and wildlife around PhD Town are UNBELIEVABLE), knowing that the times I'd be needed would interfere with my routine a bit and keep me from running before I should have. Classes start on Monday, so that will also give me something other than exercise to frame my day around. I guess it's sweet that I fall into healthier patterns when I'm around Match, but I don't like the image that creates of me being somehow dependent (NOT my style) and want to prove I can do it on my own too.
Feet/running update: They're slowly improving. I've run the same amount in the past month that I was doing in a week just prior to my feet going kaput. I'm trying really hard not to push it. As T. pointed out, if running is really that important for me and not ED-motivated, it's better to only run once a week or so and keep that going long-term than to "run yourself to death for a few months and then have to take several years off again." I concur, but it's tough.
So that's that, I guess. This is going to be a pretty intense semester, and I'm really trying to focus on keeping my priorities straight.
love y'all
Like I mentioned a few weeks ago, I'm starting up therapy again, although in a different set-up than I've had before. I'm back with T, the last therapist I had during my Master's. I like her, and am so incredibly glad I'm not starting from scratch with a new person.
A few things are different. We're Skyping, and are only meeting twice a month (rather than weekly) since my current insurance gives me zero coverage for therapy and I'm paying 100% out of pocket.
Also, when I saw her before I was concurrently seeing a dietitian (who I LOVED and want back, but I can't afford her anymore). So D. covered most of the food and numbers talk, and with T. I talked more about just stresses, issues, concerns, and general life challenges. So now T is monitoring exercise, weight, etc more, which is a shift in dynamic. She has been surprisingly open about her own history with anorexia, and I always, always wonder if that's one reason she prefers to leave the food/numbers talk to D. when she can. But I have no qualms about her professionalism or the fact that she seems to have had a really thorough recovery (she just had a baby and I've never had any red flags that she's not over her own issues, unlike the first therapist I saw when I moved to Master's City).
We've had two sessions so far. One was sort of an update and "where do we go from here" session, and one was talking about how I hadn't adhered to the exercise goals we discussed in the first session. So there's that. I feel like being at my current weight has lost me the 'privilege' of talking about anything except food/exercise stuff. We always used to talk a lot about work stress, life goals (I was seeing her during the year I was applying to PhD programs), relationship stuff, etc, and I want that back. So I guess I have to get myself out of the weight doghouse first, or else it looks like I'm intentionally being avoidant about ED topics.
By the way, I was in Match City for about three weeks, and just got back to PhD Town a few days ago. I had a good visit with Match . . . our fourth anniversary is TODAY, and I feel like we're still getting better and better at this relationship thing all the time.
I really enjoyed Match and we have a good cohabitation dynamic at this point (a sign of how far I've come; when we first started dating I was still so food/exercise routine oriented that staying over for even a whole weekend would have been unthinkable, much less three weeks...). That being said, it was also nice to come back to my own space, run on 100% my own schedule, etc.
I have to be careful, though. PhD Town is at a pretty high elevation (higher than Denver), and for some reason my body goes into a monkish austerity mode for my first few weeks at altitude. My appetite shrivels up and dies to a degree that alarms even a veteran EDer, and I have trouble sleeping more than 3 hours a night. So that becomes a bit of a quality of life issue after a while . . .
Even when I'm not in altitude mode, I rarely sleep more than 5-6 hours a night when I'm alone. My body just refuses to stay dormant any longer than that. When I'm with Match, though, I can get 8-9 hours easily for a week+ at a time. No idea why.
Which is a good segueway to the fact that I'm increasingly aware of how much healthier I feel when I'm with him. I did gain a bit of weight back while I was there. When we're co-habbing I sleep more, I exercise less, and I eat more well-rounded meals (although I also drink more alcohol). I get roughly the same calories/day there, but at home I often don't feel like bothering to cook and for one meal a day I usually default to pulling out however many protein bars and yogurts (or, lets be honest, ice cream or cereal; I've never had hang-ups about junk food, just calorie totals) I need to meet my calorie mandate--a habit that used to drive D. absolutely nuts.
So now I'm home, left to my own devices, and am really trying hard to stay on track. I signed up to help a friend with some local fieldwork all week (the landscape and wildlife around PhD Town are UNBELIEVABLE), knowing that the times I'd be needed would interfere with my routine a bit and keep me from running before I should have. Classes start on Monday, so that will also give me something other than exercise to frame my day around. I guess it's sweet that I fall into healthier patterns when I'm around Match, but I don't like the image that creates of me being somehow dependent (NOT my style) and want to prove I can do it on my own too.
Feet/running update: They're slowly improving. I've run the same amount in the past month that I was doing in a week just prior to my feet going kaput. I'm trying really hard not to push it. As T. pointed out, if running is really that important for me and not ED-motivated, it's better to only run once a week or so and keep that going long-term than to "run yourself to death for a few months and then have to take several years off again." I concur, but it's tough.
So that's that, I guess. This is going to be a pretty intense semester, and I'm really trying to focus on keeping my priorities straight.
love y'all
Friday, August 23, 2013
Slate Takes on Claims of 'Thin-Shaming'
So, I don't usually link to articles I see about the media wars, eating disorders in the news, etc, because I am afraid of triggering people and because it seems to just be a never ending issue (I feel like a treadmill analogy is appropriate here, but won't use it).
But I thought that Katy Waldman hit the nail on the head so incredibly well in this piece that I had to link to it. Clearly, Emma Woolf (the person who wrote the original op-ed post on the Daily Beast that the linked Slate essay discusses) is not over her eating disorder yet, and is doing some hand-waving (we've probably all done that, in our heads or in therapy, but not in this public of a sphere) about her views on issue about which a disease is still coloring her vision. That's my thought, at least.
Another thought, though, is that I'm probably not in a much different position from Woolf with the ED stuff right now: struggled for over a decade, doing better but not Better, fixing things but not Fixed. I won't claim that my views are 100% untinted by the ED at this point, either . . .
. . . But I was still appalled by the insensitivity of some of the things she said, and how she seemed to paint the world of overweight women as such a rosy sisterhood. I've been in those staff lunches where people comment on what you are/aren't eating, but I never attributed it to "thin-shaming." It's usually a cominbation of people being concerned and our culture being obsessed with talking about food and weight. Waldman astutely describes what I agree is probably the situation with Woolf:
"Rather than being a target of thin-shaming, she’s really a target of fat-shaming—her own. She’s internalized the voice that flows so freely and viciously through her article, the one whispering that flesh is “bad” and bone is “good,” the one telling readers all about the moral degeneration of the overweight and the virtuous beauty of the petite. She’s the bully she should be worried about."
I do think I understood parts of Woolf's op-ed better than Waldman did, though, and anyone who has had an ED probably would. For example, when Woolf said "I think everyone should know what anorexia feels like," I honestly do think she meant that people really often have no idea how painful and sinister and soul-deadening the disease can be, not that she thinks everyone should try it on like a cashmere sweater. But still, I have empathy for what she went/is going through with anorexia, yet was really bothered by the piece. I was glad that Waldman seemed to try to validate that having an ED is a terrible experience while still not cutting Woolf slack for her waaaay off-target statements about the state of society's views on women's bodies.
Those are my thoughts, at least, from my gut reaction after having read the piece five minutes ago. I'm interested to hear what y'all think if you have time to check it out.
There are no low weights mentioned in the Slate article or Woolf's pieces, by the way.
Katy Waldman, via Slate:
One Woman's Crusade to Make the World Safe for Thin People
And for a spunkier take-down, there's always Jezebel:
Thin Women, I've Got Your Back, Could You Get Mine?
Snip: "If a day arrives when our streets and internets are plastered with signs that say, "GAIN WEIGHT FAST!" and, "Use this one weird trick to load up on belly fat!" then maybe I'll buy this bullshit that fat bodies are celebrated. When women start eating themselves to death to avoid being called "Olive Oyl," then maybe I'll agree that thin-shaming has comparable repercussions to fat-shaming. When families gather around the Cambozola loaf to watch The Lumpiest Gainer, then maybe we can talk about how oppressive body-positivity is."
But I thought that Katy Waldman hit the nail on the head so incredibly well in this piece that I had to link to it. Clearly, Emma Woolf (the person who wrote the original op-ed post on the Daily Beast that the linked Slate essay discusses) is not over her eating disorder yet, and is doing some hand-waving (we've probably all done that, in our heads or in therapy, but not in this public of a sphere) about her views on issue about which a disease is still coloring her vision. That's my thought, at least.
Another thought, though, is that I'm probably not in a much different position from Woolf with the ED stuff right now: struggled for over a decade, doing better but not Better, fixing things but not Fixed. I won't claim that my views are 100% untinted by the ED at this point, either . . .
. . . But I was still appalled by the insensitivity of some of the things she said, and how she seemed to paint the world of overweight women as such a rosy sisterhood. I've been in those staff lunches where people comment on what you are/aren't eating, but I never attributed it to "thin-shaming." It's usually a cominbation of people being concerned and our culture being obsessed with talking about food and weight. Waldman astutely describes what I agree is probably the situation with Woolf:
"Rather than being a target of thin-shaming, she’s really a target of fat-shaming—her own. She’s internalized the voice that flows so freely and viciously through her article, the one whispering that flesh is “bad” and bone is “good,” the one telling readers all about the moral degeneration of the overweight and the virtuous beauty of the petite. She’s the bully she should be worried about."
I do think I understood parts of Woolf's op-ed better than Waldman did, though, and anyone who has had an ED probably would. For example, when Woolf said "I think everyone should know what anorexia feels like," I honestly do think she meant that people really often have no idea how painful and sinister and soul-deadening the disease can be, not that she thinks everyone should try it on like a cashmere sweater. But still, I have empathy for what she went/is going through with anorexia, yet was really bothered by the piece. I was glad that Waldman seemed to try to validate that having an ED is a terrible experience while still not cutting Woolf slack for her waaaay off-target statements about the state of society's views on women's bodies.
Those are my thoughts, at least, from my gut reaction after having read the piece five minutes ago. I'm interested to hear what y'all think if you have time to check it out.
There are no low weights mentioned in the Slate article or Woolf's pieces, by the way.
Katy Waldman, via Slate:
One Woman's Crusade to Make the World Safe for Thin People
And for a spunkier take-down, there's always Jezebel:
Thin Women, I've Got Your Back, Could You Get Mine?
Snip: "If a day arrives when our streets and internets are plastered with signs that say, "GAIN WEIGHT FAST!" and, "Use this one weird trick to load up on belly fat!" then maybe I'll buy this bullshit that fat bodies are celebrated. When women start eating themselves to death to avoid being called "Olive Oyl," then maybe I'll agree that thin-shaming has comparable repercussions to fat-shaming. When families gather around the Cambozola loaf to watch The Lumpiest Gainer, then maybe we can talk about how oppressive body-positivity is."
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
'Destructively Fit'
Check out this article about 'Destructively Fit,' a new program that aims to train fitness professionals to recognize and provide resources for people that are taking exercise to obsessive and/or dangerous levels. I'm really glad that this component of EDs is getting more attention, props to Jodi Rubin for initiating the program.
Even though the Greatist is a very food- and workout-heavy website, I've noticed that they seem to pay more attention to overexercise than any other health-focused website I've seen.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Other update.
Oh, one thing I forgot to mention in my updates yesterday. My beloved G. passed away a few weeks ago (it will be a month ago on Monday). He was my best friend and was pretty woven into my identity. I can't imagine ever finding another pet that was such a perfect match for me.
So that's that.
So that's that.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Back to Therapy
Hey y'all. Once again, it's been a while. Things have been such a whirlwind this year that I've become basically that worst blogger ever, and I haven't felt like I've had big updates on the ED stuff. Maybe because I just haven't wanted to think/talk about it, I guess.
Well, that' about to change. I'm restarting therapy the first week of August. I was very lucky that my last therapist, in Master's Degree City, is willing to do Skype sessions with me even though I now live about 2,000 miles away. This means I'll have someone I like and am already comfortable with, and having someone willing to do remote sessiosns also means that I can have continuous support even when I'm at Match's house or out of the country.
I can't remember if I gave that psychologist an initial on here. Probably did. Let's call her T.
So, why go back to therapy with my tail between my legs?
Because I need it, frankly.
While I was in Tropical Research Country my weight got lower than it's been since about 2008, and even when I have good intentions I basically suck at making myself put weight back on. The funny thing is that in this case I *know* I will look and feel better with more pounds, but it's just so hard to do. I never aimed to lose weight and think I'm more attractive at a higher one. So why is it so hard to do? Who knows. If that part was easy then my world would be a much different place.
So that's a factor, but to be entirely honest being underweight has never solely been a big motivator for me (not saying that's how it should be, saying that's how it be). The breaking point last week was me once again losing the ability to run because of an overuse injury (the fact that this happened surprised exactly zero people, I'm sure). I had really gotten into running again and my performance was soaring. And now I'm hobbling. I can do (and am doing) other forms of exercise, but it's not the same.
I had told myself the running was just something I liked to do (I LOVE it), that I'm talented at (I'm really damn fast, y'all), and gave me some nice time outdoors. I never let myself run two days in a row, always treated it as a sub for other exercise, not an addition, boosted my calories when I started significantly increasing distances . . . no problem, right, entirely healthy?
Then it became apparent last Thursday that I was going to have to take a break from it for at least a few weeks, and my mind/emotions basically fell apart. Cue instant very unhealthy thoughts about food management, body image, the whole shebang. Hello, ED. Fuck you, but hello all the same.
So maybe this injury was bitter but much-needed medicine showing me that I was getting to dependent on the running. I'm sure it was probably contributing to me not gaining weight back very fast (and losing that much in the first place; my running really took off while I was in Tropical Research Country).
The thing is, I've always loved running. I want it to be a healthy hobby. I'm good at it. I was just starting to get invited to do event with people. I love the endorphin high. I don't want to lose all of that.
And most of all, it makes me feel athletic. I was an extremely athletic kid, always in two or three sports at a time, and at least good at most of them and really good at some. The ED basically robbed me of all sports, because I was both too weak and too wrapped up in obsessive exercise routines to attend practices (ironic, no?). Even now, my activity level is way higher than most people's, but none of it except running actually makes me feel athletic. There is not athleticism in an elliptical or a stationary bike. Running was the only thing that made me feel like that again.
So that paragraph was my pity party. I can hear all the tiny violins playing in the background. I guess I should keep *healthy* running as an ultimate goal. But I need to realize that it's a rough enough sport (not like football, obviously, but in terms of wear-and-tear) that it's really not safe to do at a low weight, because injuries happen more often and heal more slowly.
Another factor behind me going back to therapy is that I'm really just not functioning that great right now. I may not look THAT underweight to most people (although I am the worst judge of that, for sure, I have absolutely no clue how to gauge such things on myself), but I'm below that point at which the low weight starts to affect my working memory, my focus, and my energy for getting anything done. I'm in a PhD program, y'all, and the fall semester is just a month away. I must get more on top of things. I hate this empty-headed, no-motivation feeling I've had, because it's just not who I am. I want that other person back, with her legendary drive and motivation and focus.
It's also starting to affect me in other health ways that I won't document here because I always worry that kind of thing is triggering. But trust me when I say that Cammy needs to get a grip. Match and I talked about it, and I have demonstrated a consistent pattern of losing weight after I stop therapy and only gaining some of it back, which adds up to a trend of decline over time. I lost X pounds in about three months after I left undergrad and stopped seeing H., lost XX pounds after I stopped seeing the next therapist, lost XX since I stopped seeing T when I left Master's City last May. I usually gained some back in between, but never can make myself go the full distance on my own. So back to therapizing for me to figure out at why I fail at being a nourished human being.
Match has been great about all of this, of course. (I still have my Match, in case you were wondering, it's been so long since I blogged or mentioned him. Fourth anniversary coming up...). He is the only person that I can be really candid with about this stuff. He is unflagging in his support, but I still worry about wearing him out on it. There are a few people that I used to discuss it with that really seemed to have pulled away lately, but I can never tell if they're actually pulling away or if it's just a combination of them being busy and me having low self-esteem. And to be honest, if they were pulling away I wouldn't blame them in the least bit at all. This shit is tedious and frustrating and who would want to deal with it if they didn't have to? (By the way I am not referring to anyone who is likely to read this post, don't want anyone to wonder).
I'm not saying it's all been a decline. I've actually made progress with flexibility in food times, routines, etc, especially while traveling. I've lost a ton of hesitancy with eating around Match over the years. I've become a lot more self-aware, when I decide to be...okay that might not have made sense but it's true.
Allllright, this was basically a brain dump of thoughts about the situation, because for most of 2013 I've walled the ED stuff off in my mind as something that I just "don't have to think about right now, it's fine."
So that's that.
Oh and by the way, I think the Yahoo e-mail account linked to this blog has been hacked or something. I never really use it, so I wasn't aware at first, but I'm trying to get that worked out.
Well, that' about to change. I'm restarting therapy the first week of August. I was very lucky that my last therapist, in Master's Degree City, is willing to do Skype sessions with me even though I now live about 2,000 miles away. This means I'll have someone I like and am already comfortable with, and having someone willing to do remote sessiosns also means that I can have continuous support even when I'm at Match's house or out of the country.
I can't remember if I gave that psychologist an initial on here. Probably did. Let's call her T.
So, why go back to therapy with my tail between my legs?
Because I need it, frankly.
While I was in Tropical Research Country my weight got lower than it's been since about 2008, and even when I have good intentions I basically suck at making myself put weight back on. The funny thing is that in this case I *know* I will look and feel better with more pounds, but it's just so hard to do. I never aimed to lose weight and think I'm more attractive at a higher one. So why is it so hard to do? Who knows. If that part was easy then my world would be a much different place.
So that's a factor, but to be entirely honest being underweight has never solely been a big motivator for me (not saying that's how it should be, saying that's how it be). The breaking point last week was me once again losing the ability to run because of an overuse injury (the fact that this happened surprised exactly zero people, I'm sure). I had really gotten into running again and my performance was soaring. And now I'm hobbling. I can do (and am doing) other forms of exercise, but it's not the same.
I had told myself the running was just something I liked to do (I LOVE it), that I'm talented at (I'm really damn fast, y'all), and gave me some nice time outdoors. I never let myself run two days in a row, always treated it as a sub for other exercise, not an addition, boosted my calories when I started significantly increasing distances . . . no problem, right, entirely healthy?
Then it became apparent last Thursday that I was going to have to take a break from it for at least a few weeks, and my mind/emotions basically fell apart. Cue instant very unhealthy thoughts about food management, body image, the whole shebang. Hello, ED. Fuck you, but hello all the same.
So maybe this injury was bitter but much-needed medicine showing me that I was getting to dependent on the running. I'm sure it was probably contributing to me not gaining weight back very fast (and losing that much in the first place; my running really took off while I was in Tropical Research Country).
The thing is, I've always loved running. I want it to be a healthy hobby. I'm good at it. I was just starting to get invited to do event with people. I love the endorphin high. I don't want to lose all of that.
And most of all, it makes me feel athletic. I was an extremely athletic kid, always in two or three sports at a time, and at least good at most of them and really good at some. The ED basically robbed me of all sports, because I was both too weak and too wrapped up in obsessive exercise routines to attend practices (ironic, no?). Even now, my activity level is way higher than most people's, but none of it except running actually makes me feel athletic. There is not athleticism in an elliptical or a stationary bike. Running was the only thing that made me feel like that again.
So that paragraph was my pity party. I can hear all the tiny violins playing in the background. I guess I should keep *healthy* running as an ultimate goal. But I need to realize that it's a rough enough sport (not like football, obviously, but in terms of wear-and-tear) that it's really not safe to do at a low weight, because injuries happen more often and heal more slowly.
Another factor behind me going back to therapy is that I'm really just not functioning that great right now. I may not look THAT underweight to most people (although I am the worst judge of that, for sure, I have absolutely no clue how to gauge such things on myself), but I'm below that point at which the low weight starts to affect my working memory, my focus, and my energy for getting anything done. I'm in a PhD program, y'all, and the fall semester is just a month away. I must get more on top of things. I hate this empty-headed, no-motivation feeling I've had, because it's just not who I am. I want that other person back, with her legendary drive and motivation and focus.
It's also starting to affect me in other health ways that I won't document here because I always worry that kind of thing is triggering. But trust me when I say that Cammy needs to get a grip. Match and I talked about it, and I have demonstrated a consistent pattern of losing weight after I stop therapy and only gaining some of it back, which adds up to a trend of decline over time. I lost X pounds in about three months after I left undergrad and stopped seeing H., lost XX pounds after I stopped seeing the next therapist, lost XX since I stopped seeing T when I left Master's City last May. I usually gained some back in between, but never can make myself go the full distance on my own. So back to therapizing for me to figure out at why I fail at being a nourished human being.
Match has been great about all of this, of course. (I still have my Match, in case you were wondering, it's been so long since I blogged or mentioned him. Fourth anniversary coming up...). He is the only person that I can be really candid with about this stuff. He is unflagging in his support, but I still worry about wearing him out on it. There are a few people that I used to discuss it with that really seemed to have pulled away lately, but I can never tell if they're actually pulling away or if it's just a combination of them being busy and me having low self-esteem. And to be honest, if they were pulling away I wouldn't blame them in the least bit at all. This shit is tedious and frustrating and who would want to deal with it if they didn't have to? (By the way I am not referring to anyone who is likely to read this post, don't want anyone to wonder).
I'm not saying it's all been a decline. I've actually made progress with flexibility in food times, routines, etc, especially while traveling. I've lost a ton of hesitancy with eating around Match over the years. I've become a lot more self-aware, when I decide to be...okay that might not have made sense but it's true.
Allllright, this was basically a brain dump of thoughts about the situation, because for most of 2013 I've walled the ED stuff off in my mind as something that I just "don't have to think about right now, it's fine."
So that's that.
Oh and by the way, I think the Yahoo e-mail account linked to this blog has been hacked or something. I never really use it, so I wasn't aware at first, but I'm trying to get that worked out.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Foodie Calls and Other Wins
So, a string of victories to report lately. Things aren't going 100% better (still counting calories, exercising more than I should, etc) but I think I'm making significant progress in some important areas.
Two very basic ones:
1. More calories
2. Less exercise
Granted both changes have been made at a pretty (very) modest scale at this point, but I can feel that sort of loosening in my mind that will let them become increments in bigger changes rather than token concessions that lead nowhere.
A few other wins that have made me feel successful lately:
Answering a "foodie call."
Everyone has experienced this.
It's similar to a booty call, in that most people see it as a spontaneous invite to a pleasurable experience. Except instead of bedroom fun, a "foodie" call comes in the form of random dinner invites, unexpected baked goods being dropped off at your desk, pressure to go out for a lunch you hadn't planned for, etc. Things that some people without food hangups would definitely find fun, but not if you're uptight about everything that goes into your mouth.
So last week we had a summer thunderstorm that knocked out power to our house one evening. Cue panic that I won't have electricity to cook my planned dinner. Cue self-shaming and reminding myself that I just came from a place where most people NEVER have power, and even my relatively privileged lodgings only had electricity for 1/3 of the day. Cue improvised plans for a dinner that required not external heat.
Cue a call from my mom telling me she was on her way to swing by the house after work and did I want to go out for dinner. Cue about 30 seconds of extreme turmoil, then a decision to just do it. Scrapped my plans, went out for dinner with my mom and one of her colleagues, even had extra calories, and enjoyed the evening.
Actually cooking meals WITH my boyfriend
I arrived in Match City on Saturday morning, and so far the visit has been awesome. One of my favorite wins so far this trip was that yesterday at lunch we cooked and ate the SAME things for our meal. This almost never happens. We've had a lot of temporary co-habitation periods over the course of our 3.75 year relationship (has it really been that long???), but usually when we cook at home it just involves him cooking his food and me cooking mine, and then sitting down to eat it together. Yesterday we made a meal where both of our main dishes (we picked different sides based on taste preference) came out of the same ingredients boxes and were cooked together, no alternative Cammy version made separately with lower-cal substitutions. This may not seem like a big deal, but it felt like a huge victory for both of us.
Ordering a challenge food in a restaurant
Ihop chocolate chocolate chip pancakes. Win. Enough said.
I haven't been weighing myself, so I don't know if the weight I'd lost is coming back yet, but I'm trying to keep reminding myself that it's okay when (not letting myself frame it as "if") it does.
So, baby steps. I'm really enjoying this Match visit and I want to stay calm/nourished enough to continue. The only spat we've had was yesterday morning when my blood sugar was WAY too low for me to be rational. That's a preventable situation that I want to try to be more vigilant about. I still have fucked up hunger signals, which means that usually I don't feel hungry at all until my brain/body are feeling unwell. Trying to stay on top of it better from now on.
I hope everyone is having a good week; love y'all.
Two very basic ones:
1. More calories
2. Less exercise
Granted both changes have been made at a pretty (very) modest scale at this point, but I can feel that sort of loosening in my mind that will let them become increments in bigger changes rather than token concessions that lead nowhere.
A few other wins that have made me feel successful lately:
Answering a "foodie call."
Everyone has experienced this.
It's similar to a booty call, in that most people see it as a spontaneous invite to a pleasurable experience. Except instead of bedroom fun, a "foodie" call comes in the form of random dinner invites, unexpected baked goods being dropped off at your desk, pressure to go out for a lunch you hadn't planned for, etc. Things that some people without food hangups would definitely find fun, but not if you're uptight about everything that goes into your mouth.
So last week we had a summer thunderstorm that knocked out power to our house one evening. Cue panic that I won't have electricity to cook my planned dinner. Cue self-shaming and reminding myself that I just came from a place where most people NEVER have power, and even my relatively privileged lodgings only had electricity for 1/3 of the day. Cue improvised plans for a dinner that required not external heat.
Cue a call from my mom telling me she was on her way to swing by the house after work and did I want to go out for dinner. Cue about 30 seconds of extreme turmoil, then a decision to just do it. Scrapped my plans, went out for dinner with my mom and one of her colleagues, even had extra calories, and enjoyed the evening.
Actually cooking meals WITH my boyfriend
I arrived in Match City on Saturday morning, and so far the visit has been awesome. One of my favorite wins so far this trip was that yesterday at lunch we cooked and ate the SAME things for our meal. This almost never happens. We've had a lot of temporary co-habitation periods over the course of our 3.75 year relationship (has it really been that long???), but usually when we cook at home it just involves him cooking his food and me cooking mine, and then sitting down to eat it together. Yesterday we made a meal where both of our main dishes (we picked different sides based on taste preference) came out of the same ingredients boxes and were cooked together, no alternative Cammy version made separately with lower-cal substitutions. This may not seem like a big deal, but it felt like a huge victory for both of us.
Ordering a challenge food in a restaurant
Ihop chocolate chocolate chip pancakes. Win. Enough said.
I haven't been weighing myself, so I don't know if the weight I'd lost is coming back yet, but I'm trying to keep reminding myself that it's okay when (not letting myself frame it as "if") it does.
So, baby steps. I'm really enjoying this Match visit and I want to stay calm/nourished enough to continue. The only spat we've had was yesterday morning when my blood sugar was WAY too low for me to be rational. That's a preventable situation that I want to try to be more vigilant about. I still have fucked up hunger signals, which means that usually I don't feel hungry at all until my brain/body are feeling unwell. Trying to stay on top of it better from now on.
I hope everyone is having a good week; love y'all.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Readjusting
Hey y'all. I'm working on getting settled in; jetlag is still kicking my ass, but I'm starting to feel more human. I hate that I've done NOTHING productive (in terms of school and other writing work) since I've been back, but I just haven't felt up to it. I have caught up on a lot of HBO, though . . . *cringe*
I'm staying with my family for a week before I fly up to visit Match, and it's been so nice to get time with people I love again. Not to mention my beloved G.! I am really lucky to have such an awesome family that I like to spend time with.
I was at pretty high elevation in Tropical Research Country (although not quite as high as where I live in PhD Town during the fall semester), and once again I'm realizing just how much elevation affects my appetite and seems to numb me to energy deficits. I've actually boosted my calories a bit since I've been back, relative to what I was eating last week in TRC, and I am still FAMISHED all of the time. I'm in that mode where I am somehow hungrier after dinner than I was before. It happens every time I come down in elevation from TRC or PhD Town, but it's always weird and frustrating.
I'm trying to listen to it, though...the first day I was back, my mom mentioned that she could tell I'd lost a significant amount of weight in TRC, and I kind of blew her off. I have a hard time seeing gradual changes, and I figured I'd dropped a tiny bit (judging by belt/pants fit) but nothing serious. Then I weighed myself and realized she was right. I'm not sure how much it shows in photos, but I lost more than I'd expected, and really do need to work on gaining it back.
So of course now there's that jump from realizing that intellectually and putting it into practice. I've shaved down my exercise time (still a lot of room for progress on that front, though...) and boosted my calories a bit. I'm doing those mind games with trying to rationalize everything (freaking out about a weeklong road trip with Mom next month and somehow telling myself I need to "save up" energy surplus for that), when really I just need to suck it up and do it. Anyway, work in progress. If I had a dollar for every time I'd said that on this blog . . .
But this time I'm 100% aware and accepting of what I need to do, and am motivated to get myself restored a bit so that I can enjoy the rest of the summer with Match and my family and be in a position to rock the next semester. I leave to visit Match on Saturday, and his city has tons of cool restaurants, grocery stores like Trader Joe's, and other stuff that will hopefully help. I'm honestly just not that into food, but I like novelty and trying new things, so having options around like that is a way to boost motivation to be liberal with my eating.
I'm also just readjusting to culture. Americans are loud, man. LOUD and entitled. And the first time I walked into a grocery store it was WAY overwhelming. Do you realize how much FOOD we have? Not just that things are always in stock (a constant problem at the market in TRC) but that we have not just everything, but twelve different varieties of everything???
It's still blowing my mind. I have to wonder: with all the intellectual, economic, and infrastructural resources at our disposal in this country, surely there could have been something more productive and consequential than developing the sixth variety of Cap'n Crunch cereal? Really, five wasn't enough? There was absolutely nothing more important to invest in? Okay I'm going to stop preaching, but things like that have really been weighing on my mind since I've been back.
Still wrapping up some interpersonal stuff that happened in TRC . . . people are complicated, man.
Anyway, that's the update to cover the past few days. I love TRC but it's nice to be back. Have I mentioned that I have the best most awesome dog in the world? I'm in awe of G. all over again every time I return to him.
I'm staying with my family for a week before I fly up to visit Match, and it's been so nice to get time with people I love again. Not to mention my beloved G.! I am really lucky to have such an awesome family that I like to spend time with.
I was at pretty high elevation in Tropical Research Country (although not quite as high as where I live in PhD Town during the fall semester), and once again I'm realizing just how much elevation affects my appetite and seems to numb me to energy deficits. I've actually boosted my calories a bit since I've been back, relative to what I was eating last week in TRC, and I am still FAMISHED all of the time. I'm in that mode where I am somehow hungrier after dinner than I was before. It happens every time I come down in elevation from TRC or PhD Town, but it's always weird and frustrating.
I'm trying to listen to it, though...the first day I was back, my mom mentioned that she could tell I'd lost a significant amount of weight in TRC, and I kind of blew her off. I have a hard time seeing gradual changes, and I figured I'd dropped a tiny bit (judging by belt/pants fit) but nothing serious. Then I weighed myself and realized she was right. I'm not sure how much it shows in photos, but I lost more than I'd expected, and really do need to work on gaining it back.
So of course now there's that jump from realizing that intellectually and putting it into practice. I've shaved down my exercise time (still a lot of room for progress on that front, though...) and boosted my calories a bit. I'm doing those mind games with trying to rationalize everything (freaking out about a weeklong road trip with Mom next month and somehow telling myself I need to "save up" energy surplus for that), when really I just need to suck it up and do it. Anyway, work in progress. If I had a dollar for every time I'd said that on this blog . . .
But this time I'm 100% aware and accepting of what I need to do, and am motivated to get myself restored a bit so that I can enjoy the rest of the summer with Match and my family and be in a position to rock the next semester. I leave to visit Match on Saturday, and his city has tons of cool restaurants, grocery stores like Trader Joe's, and other stuff that will hopefully help. I'm honestly just not that into food, but I like novelty and trying new things, so having options around like that is a way to boost motivation to be liberal with my eating.
I'm also just readjusting to culture. Americans are loud, man. LOUD and entitled. And the first time I walked into a grocery store it was WAY overwhelming. Do you realize how much FOOD we have? Not just that things are always in stock (a constant problem at the market in TRC) but that we have not just everything, but twelve different varieties of everything???
It's still blowing my mind. I have to wonder: with all the intellectual, economic, and infrastructural resources at our disposal in this country, surely there could have been something more productive and consequential than developing the sixth variety of Cap'n Crunch cereal? Really, five wasn't enough? There was absolutely nothing more important to invest in? Okay I'm going to stop preaching, but things like that have really been weighing on my mind since I've been back.
Still wrapping up some interpersonal stuff that happened in TRC . . . people are complicated, man.
Anyway, that's the update to cover the past few days. I love TRC but it's nice to be back. Have I mentioned that I have the best most awesome dog in the world? I'm in awe of G. all over again every time I return to him.
Friday, May 31, 2013
A Timeline
I've done quite a bit of globe-trotting for someone my age, and I have NEVER had jetlag as severe as I do this week. My body is acting like some kind of insomniac two-year-old that refuses to get with the program.
Granted, this was one of the more challenging trips I've taken. When I visited Tropical Research Country (TRC) last year, I had just one layover and was ending my journey on the east coast of the US. Now "home" (ie where my parents and dog are) is farther west, and I had two layovers, including one that was hundreds of miles west of home, meaning I had to backtrack against a significant portion of the country. If all of that sounds confusing, this is how the trip went:
At what was 23:30h in Eastern time on Monday, I left my house in TRC for the 6 hour drive to TRC's capital city. I was hitching with an undergrad field course that was heading out the same day. We had lunch in the city, killed some time in the afternoon shopping, and had way too much time stuck in the stuffy, dark airport.
At the equivalent of 14:45 on Tuesday in Eastern time, I took off for an 8.5 hour overnight (left at 23:45 TRC time) flight to European Hub City.
Landed in European Hub City at 6:30 local time on Wednesday, 23:30 Tuesday night in eastern time.
Had a 3 hour layover there, then boarded a 10 hour flight to American Hub City (which is farther west than my final destination). Landed at 13:30 local time on Wednesday, which was 20:30 for the time my body was used to.
Scheduled for a 5 hour layover. Did customs and all that jazz, stressed over what to eat and made a few false starts at procuring a meal. Ended up doing well with food, but only because I got scared at how weak/fuzzyheaded I felt.
Huge thunderstorms hit, delaying the flight another 3 hours.
At 22:00 Eastern timeWednesday night, board final flight. Land at 23:45 local time at Regional Hub City. Greet family, gather bags, embark on one hour drive home and finally walk in the door at 1:00 Thursday morning (eastern), about 49 hours after I left my house in TRC.
Discover my dad has moved all of my clothes into storage while I was gone, have exhausted emotional meltdown about lack of immediately accessible clean underwear.
Call Match at 2 AM having said emotional meltdown about underwear.
Am calmed from hysterics to hiccuping sobs by Match, hang up and cry myself to sleep around 3:00 Thursday morning.
Wretched body is wide awake at 5:30 Thursday morning.
Am more numb that sleepy for all of Thursday. Notice on my drive home from lunch with Mom that I REALLY was too bleary to be on the road.
Put myself to bed at 21:15 Thursday night.
Proceed to sleep, but with wake-ups at midnight, 2:00, and finally wide awake at 2:45.
Kill time on the internet (y'all, do you realize how FAST the internet is in this country???). Try to log into HBOGo only to realize the online account I'd been "borrowing" was canceled at some point while I was gone. Switch to catching up on magazines until 5:00 Friday morning.
Log in to write rambling and only arguably coherent blog post at 5:05.
And here we meet.
Oh, and I DO have clean underwear now. Just in case you were worried.
Granted, this was one of the more challenging trips I've taken. When I visited Tropical Research Country (TRC) last year, I had just one layover and was ending my journey on the east coast of the US. Now "home" (ie where my parents and dog are) is farther west, and I had two layovers, including one that was hundreds of miles west of home, meaning I had to backtrack against a significant portion of the country. If all of that sounds confusing, this is how the trip went:
At what was 23:30h in Eastern time on Monday, I left my house in TRC for the 6 hour drive to TRC's capital city. I was hitching with an undergrad field course that was heading out the same day. We had lunch in the city, killed some time in the afternoon shopping, and had way too much time stuck in the stuffy, dark airport.
At the equivalent of 14:45 on Tuesday in Eastern time, I took off for an 8.5 hour overnight (left at 23:45 TRC time) flight to European Hub City.
Landed in European Hub City at 6:30 local time on Wednesday, 23:30 Tuesday night in eastern time.
Had a 3 hour layover there, then boarded a 10 hour flight to American Hub City (which is farther west than my final destination). Landed at 13:30 local time on Wednesday, which was 20:30 for the time my body was used to.
Scheduled for a 5 hour layover. Did customs and all that jazz, stressed over what to eat and made a few false starts at procuring a meal. Ended up doing well with food, but only because I got scared at how weak/fuzzyheaded I felt.
Huge thunderstorms hit, delaying the flight another 3 hours.
At 22:00 Eastern timeWednesday night, board final flight. Land at 23:45 local time at Regional Hub City. Greet family, gather bags, embark on one hour drive home and finally walk in the door at 1:00 Thursday morning (eastern), about 49 hours after I left my house in TRC.
Discover my dad has moved all of my clothes into storage while I was gone, have exhausted emotional meltdown about lack of immediately accessible clean underwear.
Call Match at 2 AM having said emotional meltdown about underwear.
Am calmed from hysterics to hiccuping sobs by Match, hang up and cry myself to sleep around 3:00 Thursday morning.
Wretched body is wide awake at 5:30 Thursday morning.
Am more numb that sleepy for all of Thursday. Notice on my drive home from lunch with Mom that I REALLY was too bleary to be on the road.
Put myself to bed at 21:15 Thursday night.
Proceed to sleep, but with wake-ups at midnight, 2:00, and finally wide awake at 2:45.
Kill time on the internet (y'all, do you realize how FAST the internet is in this country???). Try to log into HBOGo only to realize the online account I'd been "borrowing" was canceled at some point while I was gone. Switch to catching up on magazines until 5:00 Friday morning.
Log in to write rambling and only arguably coherent blog post at 5:05.
And here we meet.
Oh, and I DO have clean underwear now. Just in case you were worried.
Monday, May 27, 2013
EDs in Novels?
Thanks so much for the support you ladies have shown me after I went AWOL for a few months; every single comment on the last post absolutely brightened my day.
Question:
Can anyone think of a novel that features a character that has/had an eating disorder, but sort of as a subplot (ie, not a traditional "sickness and then recovery" narrative a la Hunger Point, The Best Little Girl in the World, etc)? I guess the caveat here is that I have in mind books that treat the issue as a serious but not ridiculed component of someone's life (not the "oh that flakey skinny chick must anorexic, ick" approach that seems to provide some sick comic relief in occasional books and movies).
Not sure if I explained that quite right, but let me know if you can think of any titles? I much appreciate your input.
Flying home tomorrow...love y'all.
Question:
Can anyone think of a novel that features a character that has/had an eating disorder, but sort of as a subplot (ie, not a traditional "sickness and then recovery" narrative a la Hunger Point, The Best Little Girl in the World, etc)? I guess the caveat here is that I have in mind books that treat the issue as a serious but not ridiculed component of someone's life (not the "oh that flakey skinny chick must anorexic, ick" approach that seems to provide some sick comic relief in occasional books and movies).
Not sure if I explained that quite right, but let me know if you can think of any titles? I much appreciate your input.
Flying home tomorrow...love y'all.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Been a while
So . . . I don't really feel like I deserve to have anyone reading this blog anymore, since I went completely AWOL from writing and reading ED blogs during this field research session. I've stayed in touch with a few people, but feel a lot of guilt about avoiding the blogosphere. I can't explain it exactly, but I try *so* hard to compartmentalize and be purely in "researcher/scientist" mode when I'm in the field. I guess I worry that if I keep up with ED blogs during my time out here, I don't give myself a chance to shed those obsessions and end up distracting myself from my research.
I don't know if that actually works. Things have been okay; could have been better and could have been worse. So I'm sorry if I haven't been as supportive as I should have in the blog world.
I'm going home in three days, and even though I've been here in Tropical Research Country for four months now, the time has flown by. As I'm inching closer to "real life" again (whatever that is, right?), I can already feel my anxiety about food/exercise stuff ratcheting up.
I have no idea where my weight is. Okay, by "no idea" I mean I don't know a finely measured number, but I guess I do have some idea. I suspect it edged down a bit, judging by the fit of my pants/belt, but not dramatically, and I did do better with keeping up calories than pretty much any other field session. This was mostly because this time I was living in a house, with access to a full kitchen and my own meal prep (as opposed to relying upon dining hall offerings). My formal exercise has been a bit lower than in the States, going to try to push it down a bit farther in re-establishing my routines Stateside.
Remote field stations are such weird places from a sociological/psychological standpoint. You have a small group of 20-somethings thousands of miles from home, hundreds of miles from a city, dealing with a foreign setting and culture, isolated with only each other for company 24/7. It's almost like being in a spaceship, except with really awesome tropical birds in the background.
Anyone who has ever watched a reality TV show knows better than to underestimate the drama that a small group of 20-somethings can generate with virtually no outside stimuli.
I've been lucky enough to get along with pretty much everybody, although there are a few people whom I try to minimize my time with. My housemate is pretty moody, but I've learned not to take it personally. I'm pretty sure another PhD student here is bulimic. I got very, very close to one person here over the past few months (that's a long story), and am still moping about them leaving for another job last week. It's also the "lull period" between spring and summer waves of researchers, so the place feels kind of empty overall. I'm pretty lonely and will be ready to go home on Tuesday/Wednesday (yes, two full days in trucks and trains and planes to get from here to home).
So I guess this is just my reintro post; I plan to be back to reading/updating in the blog world more regularly again. I hope you all know how much your support has always meant to me, and hope my hiatus didn't lose too many people--although that definitely wouldn't be undeserved.
Love y'all.
I don't know if that actually works. Things have been okay; could have been better and could have been worse. So I'm sorry if I haven't been as supportive as I should have in the blog world.
I'm going home in three days, and even though I've been here in Tropical Research Country for four months now, the time has flown by. As I'm inching closer to "real life" again (whatever that is, right?), I can already feel my anxiety about food/exercise stuff ratcheting up.
I have no idea where my weight is. Okay, by "no idea" I mean I don't know a finely measured number, but I guess I do have some idea. I suspect it edged down a bit, judging by the fit of my pants/belt, but not dramatically, and I did do better with keeping up calories than pretty much any other field session. This was mostly because this time I was living in a house, with access to a full kitchen and my own meal prep (as opposed to relying upon dining hall offerings). My formal exercise has been a bit lower than in the States, going to try to push it down a bit farther in re-establishing my routines Stateside.
Remote field stations are such weird places from a sociological/psychological standpoint. You have a small group of 20-somethings thousands of miles from home, hundreds of miles from a city, dealing with a foreign setting and culture, isolated with only each other for company 24/7. It's almost like being in a spaceship, except with really awesome tropical birds in the background.
Anyone who has ever watched a reality TV show knows better than to underestimate the drama that a small group of 20-somethings can generate with virtually no outside stimuli.
I've been lucky enough to get along with pretty much everybody, although there are a few people whom I try to minimize my time with. My housemate is pretty moody, but I've learned not to take it personally. I'm pretty sure another PhD student here is bulimic. I got very, very close to one person here over the past few months (that's a long story), and am still moping about them leaving for another job last week. It's also the "lull period" between spring and summer waves of researchers, so the place feels kind of empty overall. I'm pretty lonely and will be ready to go home on Tuesday/Wednesday (yes, two full days in trucks and trains and planes to get from here to home).
So I guess this is just my reintro post; I plan to be back to reading/updating in the blog world more regularly again. I hope you all know how much your support has always meant to me, and hope my hiatus didn't lose too many people--although that definitely wouldn't be undeserved.
Love y'all.
Friday, March 1, 2013
National Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2013
I'm sure everyone reading this blog is already aware of this, but it's National Eating Disorders Awareness week....PostSecret had a few ED secrets this week, not all of them positive. The most recovery-oriented:
I know I haven't updated lately...things are going okay, not perfect but okay. I haven't been around blogland much, when I'm in field research mode I really try to keep myself in that zone more than anything, for better or worse. I'll try to update soon, though. Love y'all, as always.
I know I haven't updated lately...things are going okay, not perfect but okay. I haven't been around blogland much, when I'm in field research mode I really try to keep myself in that zone more than anything, for better or worse. I'll try to update soon, though. Love y'all, as always.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Catch My Breath
T-minus 4.5 days until I leave the US for Tropical Research Country. I am a scatter, distracted mess. And it's been a while since you got a Randoms post. Sounds like a recipe for stream of conscious list-making to me:
-I stuck to the calorie boost enough days that it feels like the default/routine now, although I haven't stepped it up the increment that I planned. But I don't know how much I do/don't need to; I miss having D. for perspective. One benefit to this addictive personality type is that I form habits at the drop of a hat, and if I can just shove myself over the anxiety hump of making a change in the first place, I can usually make it stick in the long run. (Or maybe the short run; at least until something shakes my world up and I revert, that's a topic that needs more than a bullet point to delve into). Anyway, I'm going to a country where my immune system is going to need to be in kickass shape, so I'm trying to tell myself it's okay to be liberal with intake right now. We'll see.
-I got a new Kindle Fire today (thanks to my amazing grandpa, who couldn't stand for me to go several months without my beloved National Geographic subscription while I'm overseas), and it absorbed waaaay too much of the time I should've been putting into grant applications. I don't think I'd realized that it is really a tablet instead of a straight e-reader. It feels like a big Droid, which is a bit clunky for someone used to Apple products (unabashed Mac Snob, sorry), but it does a ton more than my old Kindle and overall I'm happy with it.
-#thatawkwardmomentwhen you are showing off your new Kindle to your mother and she scrolls over your digital copy of the Kama Sutra. For the love of all that is holy why me...
-I think I've confessed this on here before, but I am totally a sucker for pop songs (I draw the line at boy bands and Bieber! What a goon), and this one is the newest addition to my Recovery playlist:
"Shadow-boxing the other half" really hit home for me. Also, if you didn't see Clarkson sing the at Obama's inauguration earlier this week, you totally should. She starts off slow and really opens up at the end. I don't really care what mean media people say about her; I love that voice. The video above also made me want to finally get that wrist tattoo I've been thinking about forever now.
-Speaking of music, the 'Shazam' app has changed my life.
-I ate beef today for the first time in...years. I suppose this is an achievement for 'breaking a rule,' although my reasons for not eating beef have absolutely zero to do with calories. I could give you my spiel on how unsustainable factory-produced meat is, but I won't. Anywho, I was just thinking about how I sometimes miss roast beef sandwiches even though everything I know about how their made is a huge turn-off...and I reasoned that soon I'll be in a place where I won't have the chance to indulge any random food whims whatsoever, so I went to Subway and got a roast beef sandwich, damnit. And . . . it didn't really taste good to me. I remember that I used to love those things. So weird. I think my baseline anxiety is so high leading up to this trip that I'm just distracted and out of touch with most things and maybe am just not focusing enough on the world around me to cue into sensory details too acutely. Who knows. But I ate the damn sandwich.
-I have made zero progress with curbing exercise and thus have set myself up for a major anxietyfest when I show up at my field site late next week and am suddenly faced with much less opportunity to work out without having made any effort to ease myself into it at all.
I anticipate that going something like this:
-I've been sleeping an average of 4 hours per night for the last week. That whole plan to wean myself off of caffeine before my trip, because I can't have it in the field . . . JUST KIDDING. Couldn't let all those nice coconut mocha Keurig cups that Match bought me go to waste...
-Major good news on the writing front in my "real life." Can't say more here*, but it was pretty validating and exciting.
-*I'm pretty sure that most of the people that subscribe to this blog in private mode do know who I am in "real life," and at least 100% of the people that I know for sure still read definitely know. I can't tell you how much I've appreciated the degree to which people I've met through this venue have continued to respect my pseudonymity and keep the two worlds separate; you ladies are amazing.
-GREAT NEWS: On my flight out next week, I have a five hour layover in Match City. We thought he had meetings all afternoon that day, but his adviser gave him the afternoon off so he's going to come over to the airport and hang with me. SO glad I get one more chance to see him before I go. It means another tearful goodbye, but it's worth it for even one more hug before I head off.
I have an early morning tomorrow and really should try to get a human amount of sleep tonight. I hope all is well for everyone, love y'all.
-I stuck to the calorie boost enough days that it feels like the default/routine now, although I haven't stepped it up the increment that I planned. But I don't know how much I do/don't need to; I miss having D. for perspective. One benefit to this addictive personality type is that I form habits at the drop of a hat, and if I can just shove myself over the anxiety hump of making a change in the first place, I can usually make it stick in the long run. (Or maybe the short run; at least until something shakes my world up and I revert, that's a topic that needs more than a bullet point to delve into). Anyway, I'm going to a country where my immune system is going to need to be in kickass shape, so I'm trying to tell myself it's okay to be liberal with intake right now. We'll see.
-I got a new Kindle Fire today (thanks to my amazing grandpa, who couldn't stand for me to go several months without my beloved National Geographic subscription while I'm overseas), and it absorbed waaaay too much of the time I should've been putting into grant applications. I don't think I'd realized that it is really a tablet instead of a straight e-reader. It feels like a big Droid, which is a bit clunky for someone used to Apple products (unabashed Mac Snob, sorry), but it does a ton more than my old Kindle and overall I'm happy with it.
-#thatawkwardmomentwhen you are showing off your new Kindle to your mother and she scrolls over your digital copy of the Kama Sutra. For the love of all that is holy why me...
-I think I've confessed this on here before, but I am totally a sucker for pop songs (I draw the line at boy bands and Bieber! What a goon), and this one is the newest addition to my Recovery playlist:
"Shadow-boxing the other half" really hit home for me. Also, if you didn't see Clarkson sing the at Obama's inauguration earlier this week, you totally should. She starts off slow and really opens up at the end. I don't really care what mean media people say about her; I love that voice. The video above also made me want to finally get that wrist tattoo I've been thinking about forever now.
-Speaking of music, the 'Shazam' app has changed my life.
-I ate beef today for the first time in...years. I suppose this is an achievement for 'breaking a rule,' although my reasons for not eating beef have absolutely zero to do with calories. I could give you my spiel on how unsustainable factory-produced meat is, but I won't. Anywho, I was just thinking about how I sometimes miss roast beef sandwiches even though everything I know about how their made is a huge turn-off...and I reasoned that soon I'll be in a place where I won't have the chance to indulge any random food whims whatsoever, so I went to Subway and got a roast beef sandwich, damnit. And . . . it didn't really taste good to me. I remember that I used to love those things. So weird. I think my baseline anxiety is so high leading up to this trip that I'm just distracted and out of touch with most things and maybe am just not focusing enough on the world around me to cue into sensory details too acutely. Who knows. But I ate the damn sandwich.
-I have made zero progress with curbing exercise and thus have set myself up for a major anxietyfest when I show up at my field site late next week and am suddenly faced with much less opportunity to work out without having made any effort to ease myself into it at all.
I anticipate that going something like this:
-I've been sleeping an average of 4 hours per night for the last week. That whole plan to wean myself off of caffeine before my trip, because I can't have it in the field . . . JUST KIDDING. Couldn't let all those nice coconut mocha Keurig cups that Match bought me go to waste...
-Major good news on the writing front in my "real life." Can't say more here*, but it was pretty validating and exciting.
-*I'm pretty sure that most of the people that subscribe to this blog in private mode do know who I am in "real life," and at least 100% of the people that I know for sure still read definitely know. I can't tell you how much I've appreciated the degree to which people I've met through this venue have continued to respect my pseudonymity and keep the two worlds separate; you ladies are amazing.
-GREAT NEWS: On my flight out next week, I have a five hour layover in Match City. We thought he had meetings all afternoon that day, but his adviser gave him the afternoon off so he's going to come over to the airport and hang with me. SO glad I get one more chance to see him before I go. It means another tearful goodbye, but it's worth it for even one more hug before I head off.
I have an early morning tomorrow and really should try to get a human amount of sleep tonight. I hope all is well for everyone, love y'all.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Lightly
“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig. Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me. When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic. No rhetoric, no tremolos, no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell. And of course, no theology, no metaphysics. Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling, on tiptoes and no luggage, not even a sponge bag, completely unencumbered.”
-Aldous Huxley, Island (1962)
Monday, January 21, 2013
Placebo gauntlet
Days into birth control placebo week: 2
Number of crying events by 10:30 this morning: 3
Number of other people I made cry this morning: 1
Pounds I feel like I've gained overnight via water weight: ~847.6
Ibuprofen popped for headache: 3
Weight of the imaginary truck that feels like it's rolling back and forth over my midsection: ~5 tons
How much this compares to the physical hassle of NOT taking my birth control and getting pregnant: Nothing
Having a private blog on which to vent my hormonally aggravated woes: Priceless
Sorry y'all.
(Disclaimer: although I am in whiny self-pity mode, I love my birth control and absolutely wouldn't dissuade anyone from going on it for whatever health reason. I really count the days (5 left!) until I go BACK on it during these infrequent weeks off).
Number of crying events by 10:30 this morning: 3
Number of other people I made cry this morning: 1
Pounds I feel like I've gained overnight via water weight: ~847.6
Ibuprofen popped for headache: 3
Weight of the imaginary truck that feels like it's rolling back and forth over my midsection: ~5 tons
How much this compares to the physical hassle of NOT taking my birth control and getting pregnant: Nothing
Having a private blog on which to vent my hormonally aggravated woes: Priceless
Sorry y'all.
(Disclaimer: although I am in whiny self-pity mode, I love my birth control and absolutely wouldn't dissuade anyone from going on it for whatever health reason. I really count the days (5 left!) until I go BACK on it during these infrequent weeks off).
Sunday, January 20, 2013
The Self in Self-Help
Sunday reading recommendation: I was fascinated by this article by Kathryn Schulz in New York Magazine on the self-help industry and what it tells us about, well, us and our issues.
I know the Schulz uses weight *loss* as an example in one paragraph (come on, it's the American media, it's inevitable), but I she's essentially talking about lifestyle changes, and I think that can easily be translated to weight gain or cessation of disordered behaviors in ED recovery.
I was a little disappointed with the last page or so when she describes her own recovery from depression (that sounds awful, clarification: I'm super happy she made it through and is in a better place, but I think she really gave short shrift to what a damn hard process it can be). But the discussion about our concepts of self, inner motivation, and what behavior modification even means is pretty interesting.
Snip:
Would love to hear your thoughts if you get a chance to read it!
I know the Schulz uses weight *loss* as an example in one paragraph (come on, it's the American media, it's inevitable), but I she's essentially talking about lifestyle changes, and I think that can easily be translated to weight gain or cessation of disordered behaviors in ED recovery.
I was a little disappointed with the last page or so when she describes her own recovery from depression (that sounds awful, clarification: I'm super happy she made it through and is in a better place, but I think she really gave short shrift to what a damn hard process it can be). But the discussion about our concepts of self, inner motivation, and what behavior modification even means is pretty interesting.
Snip:
"...all self-help literature offers is a kind of metaphysical power of attorney for our putative better halves. But if you identify with the above-mentioned Oreo-eater or healthy-relationship saboteur or procrastinator, you yourself are evidence that this is a nonsolution. If giving your better half executive control by fiat could change your life, sales of self-help material would plummet overnight. It is a somewhat beautiful fact that the underlying theory of the self-help industry is contradicted by the self-help industry’s existence."
Would love to hear your thoughts if you get a chance to read it!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Night Stars
Okay so I was all doom and gloom on the last post, but starting yesterday my mood has really turned around. I know this might sound silly, but I think the weather has had something to do with it--it was FINALLY sunny and beautiful again for the first time in a week and it sent my S.A.D. skittering away into a corner, for now at least. I also had opportunities to get out of the house, make myself look human (seriously, I really needed a day in which I had a reason to wear mascara), and interact with people, which is always a big booster despite my basic introvertedness (introvertivity? introversion, I think actually. Anywho I'm not shy, I just like a lot of my time to be "me time." But not too much. Closing the parentheses now).
Guess who added calories yesterday? And had a major challenge food today? (even though the food ended up not tasting as good as I expected and I don't think I'd choose it again, I still did it damnit). I am honest when I say I want to boost my health before my trip, and now I'm trying to change "want to" to "am actively working to".
I had a really long lunch/hangout session with an old high school teacher today--the only one I have EVER discussed ED stuff with. We didn't talk about it at all today, just discussed our lives and such since I graduated in 2005 and generally got caught up. It was awesome. I like her even better now that I'm not her student and she can be more candid with me about school, politics, the world in general, etc. I love what great people there are in this world, you know?
Some of our conversation got a bit philosophical, and although we didn't discuss anything ED-related, it did make me think a bit...if I could go back and erase the ED from my life then I would, but since that isn't possible, I do acknowledge that I think I'm a more insightful, self-aware, introspective person as a result of seesawing around recovery for the past...13 years? Jeebus. Anyway, this quote captures some of what I think I was feeling today:
"What makes night within us may leave stars."
-Victor Hugo
Happy weekend, love y'all.
Guess who added calories yesterday? And had a major challenge food today? (even though the food ended up not tasting as good as I expected and I don't think I'd choose it again, I still did it damnit). I am honest when I say I want to boost my health before my trip, and now I'm trying to change "want to" to "am actively working to".
I had a really long lunch/hangout session with an old high school teacher today--the only one I have EVER discussed ED stuff with. We didn't talk about it at all today, just discussed our lives and such since I graduated in 2005 and generally got caught up. It was awesome. I like her even better now that I'm not her student and she can be more candid with me about school, politics, the world in general, etc. I love what great people there are in this world, you know?
Some of our conversation got a bit philosophical, and although we didn't discuss anything ED-related, it did make me think a bit...if I could go back and erase the ED from my life then I would, but since that isn't possible, I do acknowledge that I think I'm a more insightful, self-aware, introspective person as a result of seesawing around recovery for the past...13 years? Jeebus. Anyway, this quote captures some of what I think I was feeling today:
"What makes night within us may leave stars."
-Victor Hugo
Happy weekend, love y'all.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Exercise bicker woes
Had a major bicker with Match yesterday about my exercise habits. Cue existential angst and total despair about ever getting out from under the thumb of this thing.
It's also VERY hard to have an argument with someone when you actually know they're right about everything.
And it's impossible to fill in the parts of the issue that the other person doesn't "get" when you are too ashamed to explain yourself.
Today is a new day, right?
It's also VERY hard to have an argument with someone when you actually know they're right about everything.
And it's impossible to fill in the parts of the issue that the other person doesn't "get" when you are too ashamed to explain yourself.
Today is a new day, right?
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
2013 commences
Updatage:
I spent two weeks in Match City after New Year's and just got back to my family's house last night. (In case I hadn't explicitly mentioned this, at the moment I have no home place of my own and am bouncing around between other people's bedrooms until I leave for Tropical Research Country. Sounds risque, right? Really it's just exhausting. Oh god maybe that still sounds risque...).
I had a great visit with Match. On several fronts. We were getting along well, especially considering it was our longest continuous trip EVER (an entire month of living together). I also did the best ever with my food. I ate a lot of things/amounts I used to be too shy to consume in front of him. He had to work half-days most of the time I was there, so I had time to get enough exercise in to eat relatively normal amounts for me--ie, more than on typical visits with him. Because I still default to foods with relatively low energy densities, if I'm getting all my workout time in I need volumes of food big enough to make me self-conscious, but I sucked it up and did it and you know what? He loved me anyway. Maybe even moreso for loosening up around him. Win.
Now I won't see him for five months. He and I have to say goodbye all the time, it's the nature of a long-distance relationship. But damn if that wasn't the hardest one ever. We're trying to tell ourselves that we'll both be so busy that it'll go by fast. Right...in the mean time, I need to relearn how to fall asleep without him rubbing my back until I drift off every night.
ED stuff: I was a good girl and took a solid month off of running when my leg was injured, then slowly eased back into it, and now I'm totally back and the leg feels great. Win. I made it through the holiday without losing weight, although I know I should have been working harder at gaining leading up to my trip. Now that I'm back to my own routines the exercise and food stuff are 'same ole same ole', although I'm really trying to work myself up to increasing cals this week.
It's times like this that I remember why my ED flew under the radar so easily for so long. I am so, so unmotivated by food and always have been. I was a painfully picky eater as a kid, and food was never not an issue of contention/confusion for me. I'm trying to incentivize myself to eat more by reminding myself of all the things I won't have in Tropical Research Country (better take advantage of them now!), but I really just don't find food rewarding, and it's not helping my weight gain ambivalence any. (I really hope that wasn't triggering, I think that is just sort of part of my natural temperament, even pre-ED, some people are just more foodies than others and I don't judge people poorly if they are food-motivated. Everyone's senses and reward circuits are their own). There are some exceptions and favorite foods, of course, but I feel like trying to motivate myself based on taste and sense rewards always ends up disappointing me. WOW what a first world problem, given the fact that I'm about to go to a place where malnutrition is the norm, I'm actually pretty ashamed I'm even talking about this. I know everything in this paragraph is not at all a legitimate excuse for being an educated adult and not nourishing oneself adequately, and I'm not trying to use it as a cop-out, just musing.
On that note, I'm going to go berate myself for being a brat and try to stop automatically rolling over in bed to whisper something to a Match that isn't there anymore.
I spent two weeks in Match City after New Year's and just got back to my family's house last night. (In case I hadn't explicitly mentioned this, at the moment I have no home place of my own and am bouncing around between other people's bedrooms until I leave for Tropical Research Country. Sounds risque, right? Really it's just exhausting. Oh god maybe that still sounds risque...).
I had a great visit with Match. On several fronts. We were getting along well, especially considering it was our longest continuous trip EVER (an entire month of living together). I also did the best ever with my food. I ate a lot of things/amounts I used to be too shy to consume in front of him. He had to work half-days most of the time I was there, so I had time to get enough exercise in to eat relatively normal amounts for me--ie, more than on typical visits with him. Because I still default to foods with relatively low energy densities, if I'm getting all my workout time in I need volumes of food big enough to make me self-conscious, but I sucked it up and did it and you know what? He loved me anyway. Maybe even moreso for loosening up around him. Win.
Now I won't see him for five months. He and I have to say goodbye all the time, it's the nature of a long-distance relationship. But damn if that wasn't the hardest one ever. We're trying to tell ourselves that we'll both be so busy that it'll go by fast. Right...in the mean time, I need to relearn how to fall asleep without him rubbing my back until I drift off every night.
ED stuff: I was a good girl and took a solid month off of running when my leg was injured, then slowly eased back into it, and now I'm totally back and the leg feels great. Win. I made it through the holiday without losing weight, although I know I should have been working harder at gaining leading up to my trip. Now that I'm back to my own routines the exercise and food stuff are 'same ole same ole', although I'm really trying to work myself up to increasing cals this week.
It's times like this that I remember why my ED flew under the radar so easily for so long. I am so, so unmotivated by food and always have been. I was a painfully picky eater as a kid, and food was never not an issue of contention/confusion for me. I'm trying to incentivize myself to eat more by reminding myself of all the things I won't have in Tropical Research Country (better take advantage of them now!), but I really just don't find food rewarding, and it's not helping my weight gain ambivalence any. (I really hope that wasn't triggering, I think that is just sort of part of my natural temperament, even pre-ED, some people are just more foodies than others and I don't judge people poorly if they are food-motivated. Everyone's senses and reward circuits are their own). There are some exceptions and favorite foods, of course, but I feel like trying to motivate myself based on taste and sense rewards always ends up disappointing me. WOW what a first world problem, given the fact that I'm about to go to a place where malnutrition is the norm, I'm actually pretty ashamed I'm even talking about this. I know everything in this paragraph is not at all a legitimate excuse for being an educated adult and not nourishing oneself adequately, and I'm not trying to use it as a cop-out, just musing.
On that note, I'm going to go berate myself for being a brat and try to stop automatically rolling over in bed to whisper something to a Match that isn't there anymore.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Obligatory holiday recap post and status update
Well hi there, happy 2013. I haven't updated in quite a while; I flew up to Match City on December 16, we drove back to my parent's house on the 20th and spent Christmas there, did a road trip back to my Undergrad Town (LOVE LOVE that place) a couple of days after Christmas, and the plan was for Match to drive back to his own city this week to start work today, with me planning to fly out to spend another week or two with him later in January.
Then on Tuesday morning we started looking at plane ticket prices and realized how much more sense it would make for me to ride back with him on Wednesday and buy just a one-way ticket back, which carried the added benefit of me being here before he starts classes again later in the month. He still has to work at least a half-day most days, but at least he doesn't have classes and studying on top of that for now.
SO the upshot of all of that is that I had about 4 hours notice on Tuesday that instead of returning to all of my routines and norms and alone time as of yesterday, I actually needed to pack for a 600 mile road trip to stay up here in Match City for 2 weeks.
YIIIIIIPE.
Fortunately it was less disruptive to do this leaving from my parents' house than if I'd been leaving my own place (which I don't actually have right now; I'm subletting my apartment in PhD City until I get back from Tropical Research Country in June. I need a fictional Cammy Atlas or something to keep all these places straight). Basically, between now and June, no matter where I am it is not my own space, so whatever.
So I'm here. It's actually going to be a bit of a relief because I'll have the place to myself until at least the afternoon and sometimes all day for most days due to Match's work schedule. And I waaaay prefer sharing a bathroom with Match to sharing one with my two teenage brothers (gag). I have access to a gym here, and the public transit is good enough to get me anywhere I need to go on my own. So it could be worse.
I did okay ED-wise over the holidays given the circumstances. While we were at my parents' house I managed to get by on between 1/2-3/4 of normal exercise most days (sometimes less, just once or twice a bit more) by going to the gym early in the morning before Match was awake (he knew I was going, I just did it that way to avoid losing waking time with everyone). I did adjust my calories accordingly, but did NOT overcompensate out of anxiety (ie burning X less calories in exercise but taking in 2X less in food just because I'm nervous about the change in routine), which has been a strong trend during past holiday seasons.
Some days I did even come close to normal cals despite the reduced exercise (read: holiday parties = lots of alcohol = Cammy hates to let a good wine go to waste, elliptical time be damned). And I did feel a possible slight shift of norm, I think if I pushed I could let myself have full cals at 3/4 baseline exercise to start with, and try to walk it back further from there...we'll see. I have less than a month before I leave for Tropical Research Country and did need to gain some weight before that...
Speaking of that, I haven't weighed myself at all since I left PhD City, so I have no idea what my weight did over the holidays. I feel kind of blobby because I haven't had time to get in weight-lifting and strength training like I like, but I learned long ago not to trust my perceptions on that kind of thing. And stuff still fits the same as far as I can notice. So there's that.
I feel like Match and I grow/develop/figure things out a bit more on each visit, and this will set a record as our longest continuous visit ever (over a month). There were a couple of rocky patches, but really just one or two significant fights and I feel like sometimes that's part of the growing process. So I think that's going well, which is a relief because we need a solid standing to go over 4 months without seeing each other during my upcoming field research session.
Ooookay that's my long holiday update, sorry y'all. I feel like I'm glossing over tons of detail but most of it was probably mundane and of minimal interest anyway. I'm behind on reading blogs since I haven't had the same amount of free internet time while visiting with family/Match, but plan to catch up soon. Really hope everyone is doing well; happy holidays. Love y'all.
Then on Tuesday morning we started looking at plane ticket prices and realized how much more sense it would make for me to ride back with him on Wednesday and buy just a one-way ticket back, which carried the added benefit of me being here before he starts classes again later in the month. He still has to work at least a half-day most days, but at least he doesn't have classes and studying on top of that for now.
SO the upshot of all of that is that I had about 4 hours notice on Tuesday that instead of returning to all of my routines and norms and alone time as of yesterday, I actually needed to pack for a 600 mile road trip to stay up here in Match City for 2 weeks.
YIIIIIIPE.
Fortunately it was less disruptive to do this leaving from my parents' house than if I'd been leaving my own place (which I don't actually have right now; I'm subletting my apartment in PhD City until I get back from Tropical Research Country in June. I need a fictional Cammy Atlas or something to keep all these places straight). Basically, between now and June, no matter where I am it is not my own space, so whatever.
So I'm here. It's actually going to be a bit of a relief because I'll have the place to myself until at least the afternoon and sometimes all day for most days due to Match's work schedule. And I waaaay prefer sharing a bathroom with Match to sharing one with my two teenage brothers (gag). I have access to a gym here, and the public transit is good enough to get me anywhere I need to go on my own. So it could be worse.
I did okay ED-wise over the holidays given the circumstances. While we were at my parents' house I managed to get by on between 1/2-3/4 of normal exercise most days (sometimes less, just once or twice a bit more) by going to the gym early in the morning before Match was awake (he knew I was going, I just did it that way to avoid losing waking time with everyone). I did adjust my calories accordingly, but did NOT overcompensate out of anxiety (ie burning X less calories in exercise but taking in 2X less in food just because I'm nervous about the change in routine), which has been a strong trend during past holiday seasons.
Some days I did even come close to normal cals despite the reduced exercise (read: holiday parties = lots of alcohol = Cammy hates to let a good wine go to waste, elliptical time be damned). And I did feel a possible slight shift of norm, I think if I pushed I could let myself have full cals at 3/4 baseline exercise to start with, and try to walk it back further from there...we'll see. I have less than a month before I leave for Tropical Research Country and did need to gain some weight before that...
Speaking of that, I haven't weighed myself at all since I left PhD City, so I have no idea what my weight did over the holidays. I feel kind of blobby because I haven't had time to get in weight-lifting and strength training like I like, but I learned long ago not to trust my perceptions on that kind of thing. And stuff still fits the same as far as I can notice. So there's that.
I feel like Match and I grow/develop/figure things out a bit more on each visit, and this will set a record as our longest continuous visit ever (over a month). There were a couple of rocky patches, but really just one or two significant fights and I feel like sometimes that's part of the growing process. So I think that's going well, which is a relief because we need a solid standing to go over 4 months without seeing each other during my upcoming field research session.
Ooookay that's my long holiday update, sorry y'all. I feel like I'm glossing over tons of detail but most of it was probably mundane and of minimal interest anyway. I'm behind on reading blogs since I haven't had the same amount of free internet time while visiting with family/Match, but plan to catch up soon. Really hope everyone is doing well; happy holidays. Love y'all.
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