Okay so I was all doom and gloom on the last post, but starting yesterday my mood has really turned around. I know this might sound silly, but I think the weather has had something to do with it--it was FINALLY sunny and beautiful again for the first time in a week and it sent my S.A.D. skittering away into a corner, for now at least. I also had opportunities to get out of the house, make myself look human (seriously, I really needed a day in which I had a reason to wear mascara), and interact with people, which is always a big booster despite my basic introvertedness (introvertivity? introversion, I think actually. Anywho I'm not shy, I just like a lot of my time to be "me time." But not too much. Closing the parentheses now).
Guess who added calories yesterday? And had a major challenge food today? (even though the food ended up not tasting as good as I expected and I don't think I'd choose it again, I still did it damnit). I am honest when I say I want to boost my health before my trip, and now I'm trying to change "want to" to "am actively working to".
I had a really long lunch/hangout session with an old high school teacher today--the only one I have EVER discussed ED stuff with. We didn't talk about it at all today, just discussed our lives and such since I graduated in 2005 and generally got caught up. It was awesome. I like her even better now that I'm not her student and she can be more candid with me about school, politics, the world in general, etc. I love what great people there are in this world, you know?
Some of our conversation got a bit philosophical, and although we didn't discuss anything ED-related, it did make me think a bit...if I could go back and erase the ED from my life then I would, but since that isn't possible, I do acknowledge that I think I'm a more insightful, self-aware, introspective person as a result of seesawing around recovery for the past...13 years? Jeebus. Anyway, this quote captures some of what I think I was feeling today:
"What makes night within us may leave stars."
-Victor Hugo
Happy weekend, love y'all.
2 comments:
Hey C! Glad you got out and had a reason to wear mascara and interact with humans - totally relate on how that helps!
also - way to go on the challenge food and the xtra cals! You know, I was thinking about you this week, when I was eating a container of yogurt and cliff bar for a snack (and, yes, I still ate breakfast and lunch and dinner and other snacks too). I was remembering how in your post you said that you just don't get that excited about food and you kinda just don't care about it. Often times, I feel similarly. Was I craving a cliff bar and yogurt? No. Do I have cravings? Not that often. But yet I was eating the yogurt and cliff bar for a snack and I think it's because I kinda just know I need it. I know I the person I want to be when my nutrition stays up; I know I feel better when my nutrition stays up; so, in some ways, eating is quite robotic and very much like medicine. So, I guess I thought about you because I was thinking about how, in recovery, part of it is getting to know yourself and your body and honoring what it is that you require.... learning about yourself. And what I learned about myself is that, yeah, I'm not someone with a lot of cravings - I'm not a "foodie." Yet, I require more food than the average person anyway to maintain my weight and my mental state and my energy - so, I eat just b/c I know myself and my needs - not b/c I'm driven to. At least that's how I see it sometimes.
Have a great day!!!!
I definitely also get down in the dumps with too much alone time, but stressed out with too much people time. Why do our brains have to be so damn picky?
Anyway, I've also been doing lots of thinking about "what would I give to have had a life without ED, or xyz..." And yes, like you, I would erase all that crap from my past in a heartbeat. Again, EDs suck. I am only recently starting to admit (begrudgingly) that all the medical/psychological drama of the past few years have indeed made me more resilient and insightful.
It's hard to feel anything but bitterness towards a chronic illness that has caused you way more pain and angst than it's worth, but you have proven again and again that you are a way stronger, scrappier, more compassionate person for it. I wouldn't ever wish this illness on someone, and if I could snap my fingers and make it go away for you, I would! But sometimes, quite simply, good can come out of the bad. The Hugo quote is beautiful and totally exemplifies what I am trying to say in a much more eloquent and efficient way.
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