Back to Therapy

Hey y'all. Once again, it's been a while. Things have been such a whirlwind this year that I've become basically that worst blogger ever, and I haven't felt like I've had big updates on the ED stuff. Maybe because I just haven't wanted to think/talk about it, I guess.

Well, that' about to change. I'm restarting therapy the first week of August. I was very lucky that my last therapist, in Master's Degree City, is willing to do Skype sessions with me even though I now live about 2,000 miles away. This means I'll have someone I like and am already comfortable with, and having someone willing to do remote sessiosns also means that I can have continuous support even when I'm at Match's house or out of the country.

I can't remember if I gave that psychologist an initial on here. Probably did. Let's call her T.

So, why go back to therapy with my tail between my legs?

Because I need it, frankly.

While I was in Tropical Research Country my weight got lower than it's been since about 2008, and even when I have good intentions I basically suck at making myself put weight back on. The funny thing is that in this case I *know* I will look and feel better with more pounds, but it's just so hard to do. I never aimed to lose weight and think I'm more attractive at a higher one. So why is it so hard to do? Who knows. If that part was easy then my world would be a much different place.

So that's a factor, but to be entirely honest being underweight has never solely been a big motivator for me (not saying that's how it should be, saying that's how it be). The breaking point last week was me once again losing the ability to run because of an overuse injury (the fact that this happened surprised exactly zero people, I'm sure). I had really gotten into running again and my performance was soaring. And now I'm hobbling. I can do (and am doing) other forms of exercise, but it's not the same.

I had told myself the running was just something I liked to do (I LOVE it), that I'm talented at (I'm really damn fast, y'all), and gave me some nice time outdoors. I never let myself run two days in a row, always treated it as a sub for other exercise, not an addition, boosted my calories when I started significantly increasing distances . . . no problem, right, entirely healthy?

Then it became apparent last Thursday that I was going to have to take a break from it for at least a few weeks, and my mind/emotions basically fell apart. Cue instant very unhealthy thoughts about food management, body image, the whole shebang. Hello, ED. Fuck you, but hello all the same.

So maybe this injury was bitter but much-needed medicine showing me that I was getting to dependent on the running. I'm sure it was probably contributing to me not gaining weight back very fast (and losing that much in the first place; my running really took off while I was in Tropical Research Country).

The thing is, I've always loved running. I want it to be a healthy hobby. I'm good at it. I was just starting to get invited to do event with people. I love the endorphin high. I don't want to lose all of that.

And most of all, it makes me feel athletic. I was an extremely athletic kid, always in two or three sports at a time, and at least good at most of them and really good at some. The ED basically robbed me of all sports, because I was both too weak and too wrapped up in obsessive exercise routines to attend practices (ironic, no?).  Even now, my activity level is way higher than most people's, but none of it except running actually makes me feel athletic. There is not athleticism in an elliptical or a stationary bike. Running was the only thing that made me feel like that again.

So that paragraph was my pity party. I can hear all the tiny violins playing in the background. I guess I should keep *healthy* running as an ultimate goal. But I need to realize that it's a rough enough sport (not like football, obviously, but in terms of wear-and-tear) that it's really not safe to do at a low weight, because injuries happen more often and heal more slowly.

Another factor behind me going back to therapy is that I'm really just not functioning that great right now. I may not look THAT underweight to most people (although I am the worst judge of that, for sure, I have absolutely no clue how to gauge such things on myself), but I'm below that point at which the low weight starts to affect my working memory, my focus, and my energy for getting anything done. I'm in a PhD program, y'all, and the fall semester is just a month away. I must get more on top of things. I hate this empty-headed, no-motivation feeling I've had, because it's just not who I am. I want that other person back, with her legendary drive and motivation and focus.

It's also starting to affect me in other health ways that I won't document here because I always worry that kind of thing is triggering. But trust me when I say that Cammy needs to get a grip. Match and I talked about it, and I have demonstrated a consistent pattern of losing weight after I stop therapy and only gaining some of it back, which adds up to a trend of decline over time. I lost X pounds in about three months after I left undergrad and stopped seeing H., lost XX pounds after I stopped seeing the next therapist, lost XX since I stopped seeing T when I left Master's City last May. I usually gained some back in between, but never can make myself go the full distance on my own. So back to therapizing for me to figure out at why I fail at being a nourished human being.

Match has been great about all of this, of course. (I still have my Match, in case you were wondering, it's been so long since I blogged or mentioned him. Fourth anniversary coming up...). He is the only person that I can be really candid with about this stuff. He is unflagging in his support, but I still worry about wearing him out on it. There are a few people that I used to discuss it with that really seemed to have pulled away lately, but I can never tell if they're actually pulling away or if it's just a combination of them being busy and me having low self-esteem. And to be honest, if they were pulling away I wouldn't blame them in the least bit at all. This shit is tedious and frustrating and who would want to deal with it if they didn't have to? (By the way I am not referring to anyone who is likely to read this post, don't want anyone to wonder).

I'm not saying it's all been a decline. I've actually made progress with flexibility in food times, routines, etc, especially while traveling. I've lost a ton of hesitancy with eating around Match over the years. I've become a lot more self-aware, when I decide to be...okay that might not have made sense but it's true.

Allllright, this was basically a brain dump of thoughts about the situation, because for most of 2013 I've walled the ED stuff off in my mind as something that I just "don't have to think about right now, it's fine."

So that's that.

Oh and by the way, I think the Yahoo e-mail account linked to this blog has been hacked or something. I never really use it, so I wasn't aware at first, but I'm trying to get that worked out.