If you could go back and either 1) stop yourself from developing an eating disorder or 2) develop one but start working on recovery much sooner, would you do either? If so, which one? If not, why not?
This is such a hard one to answer. I am insatiably curious as to what my life, my personality, my body, what everything would be like if I had never developed an ED. I was always a picky eater with a passion for being active, so I had never really thought about my weight at all prior to the year I developed an ED (I decided to diet more out of need for an anxiety outlet than anything else), and I do wonder how/when/if I ever would have developed more of a consciousness of those issues.
Although...I do have lots of lingering issues and a ways to go before I'm really recoverED, but I do like who I am now, in spite of my countless flaws. And I know I wouldn't be the same person without the ED and the experiences it has wrought. Would I have just developed a different "issue" (drugs, alcohol, depression, etc). Would I be as close to my mom? Would have done better, or worse, in school? Would a different high school experience have led to a different university, or even a different major in college? I'd be in a different relationship, or married, or single. I would have a different pet. Everything would be different. And from my perspective, I love my pet, my relationships, my job, etc. But, if you asked Alternate Cammy, I hope she'd say she likes her Alternate Circumstances too. So strange to think of how much of our lives are based on contingencies, you know?
So in ways, the ED has made me stronger, wiser, more self-aware, and I value that. But in the end, when I think of the hours, days, weeks, months, years, not to mention the physical and emotional energy that I have poured into this disease, I am really, really saddened and disappointed at all of the regrets. I spent so many nights isolated and so many days distracted by ED thoughts and behaviors. So even though the ED has indeed helped me to grow in some ways, if I could rewind the tape I'd choose the life of enriched experiences instead, I'm sure I'd have learned plenty of lessons along that path too.
I am a longtime lurker/reader, and I am SO PROUD of you for how far you have come since you have started this blog!! What do you wish you could tell the Cammy that started the blog (about recovery especially but also about life or anything else)?
This one is also a toughie, but in the end the answer is simple. I wish I could just go back and reassure myself that this whole damn ordeal of recovery is infinitely worth it. I was so scared and directionless and just plain exhausted at everything. I really wished I would just not wake up one morning, because I hated living with the ED but didn't think I could ever tolerate living without it.
At first, recovery feels almost like someone is forcing you to break up a long-term relationship. Even if it's been abusive, it's the only way you know how to function, the only image you have of yourself. And so it's scary to venture out and find a new, healthier life, even if you know it's the healthy and necessary decision. Untested waters, road untaken, insert your favorite metaphor here. I think that's why going into treatment can seem so threatening: suddenly someone else is telling you how to life your life and why, and there can be a "gimme back" reaction if you feel like your ED is being taken away by someone who doesn't really understand. An abusive boyfriend would also tell you other people don't really understand your relationship, really it's not so bad and they're just imposing out of ignorance, right? Same deal.
So enough with the analogies and figurative language. In a nutshell, I'd go back and tell the Cammy of June 2008 that yes indeed it's going to be a long road, but that 1) she'd love her body even more after XX pounds, 2) she'd love life INFINITELY more after achieving more balance, and 3) no artificially small size looks as good as energy feels. All in all, the same thing I'd say to anyone reading this right now who finds themself struggling or teetering on the edge. Keep going. You're worth it. It's never hopeless. Look at the alternative...what is there to lose? Baby steps add up to giant leaps. It may take a grace period to adjust to everything. But whatever you do, never doubt that you deserve better, and keep going.
3 comments:
It is always easier to look at hindsight, but the fact remains that the ED changes us for better for worse. W learn from our lives as they are. One thing, however, the things that you may have wished for prior to ED, there's nothing really stopping you from obtaining those goals either. In fact, they could even mean more now than then.
As for recovery, great advice to yourself. It's a hard road, but in the end, will be worth all those bites of food. LOL I'm glad you're able to look back and see how far you have come as your readers do.
Hey, great answers to hard questions. The advice you would have given to yourself years ago is still applicable today! Keep it in mind. Best wishes for health and happiness in the coming years!
Even though you said it took you awhile to get to these questions, I think it was worth the wait. Very introspective and very helpful. It might not seem like it in the eye of the storm, but everything that happens to/for us, makes us the people we are today (for better or for worse.)
Keep all this in mind when you have an off day, as when we're in a good place, everything makes sense. When we're struggling, it's easy to listen to the ED voice that talks you out of rationalizing. Thank you!
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