Last night I stepped way outside the box and had a pre-bedtime snack. It sounds silly that this was a big deal, especially considering that I had made "allowance" for it in my dinner calories, but it's something I probably have not done in 10 years. Score?
Yet I woke up this morning with the most evil, mind- and body-clenching hunger I have felt in a long time. Hey body, you make my life difficult sometimes.
As part of my food records for D, I'm supposed to rank my hunger both before and after eating, with 1 being "I'm about to starve" and 10 being "I'm about to vomit." According to her, "normal" people should eat at around a 3 or a 4 and be around a 7 right after a meal. (Just a note: this doesn't always apply to people with EDs because your signals are all mixed up. Sometimes you DO need to eat even if you're not getting a hunger signal. That's the purpose of her having me do this, because my signals are still pretty screwy and it's supposed to help me pay more attention to them.)
So this morning I was just above a 1, had my normal breakfast, and still only felt like about a 3 for the rest of the morning. Then I just had my normal lunch, and all of the sudden I feel full to the gills yet still with a little bit of hunger throb. That makes no sense, I know. I wish someone would tell that to Ms. Stomach down there.
I had a major hypermetabolic phase early in my recovery, and it cropped up again periodically after that. I used to get SO pissed that I actually spent more time hungry while refeeding than I did when I was restricting. And the hot flashes. Had I somehow skipped from pre-puberty to menopause? Then it faded away slowly such that I didn't realize right away that it was leaving. Then there are days like today, when it is roaring back on me. I know it's normal for "regular" people to have hungrier than normal days, but I eat the SAME number of calories every day, to a pathetic precision, it's not as though I'm making up for a light day yesterday.
And now my fullness is at about an 8.25 (D makes fun of me for using decimal precision on my hunger scale. I'm a scientist!) but I'm already feeling unsatisified and counting hours til dinner.
Sometimes I wonder if my body and I will ever be friends again?
I'm also having a pretty down day for various academic and personal reasons. I can't wait for my summer traveling to start, I really need some adventure/change of scenery.
4 comments:
Glad you like the scale. I find it very hard to use. Plus when I write down food's I'll count the calories. I might have to re-think after reading this.
Just for the record, I do realize that keeping detailed food records can be triggering and counter-productive for some people. Thanks David for pointing out that this may not be an ideal option for everyone. I was already counting calories before I started the records, so that was a risk already breached for me. I am NOT advocating a specific record keeping strategy for anyone, was just commenting on what D has recommended as best for me at this point in time; everyone's cases are different.
So I'm having one of those hungry days, no matter how much I've eaten. Can I take that as a sign that my metabolism is starting to actually function??
Haha, Tracy used to make fun of me for using decimals in my hunger/fullness scales too :)
I hate when hunger/fullness gets out of whack. It takes you by surprise and then you just get all weirded out by it... Sometimes it helps to know that "this happens" and you can't always explain every sensation the body has.... and, it's weird, but it's also okay if you can't find a way to perfectly understand it.
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