Even though I gripe that I don't connect with C as well as D, yesterday I was reminded of one factor in her favor: C has had an ED, and D hasn't. Not that I'm biased, and I think D is INCREDIBLY insightful, it impresses me every session...but sometimes there are small things that come up, and someone with that experience can look you in the eye and say "I get it" in the way that other people can't fully do.
Confession: I had totally planned to restrict and manipulate my meal plan this week, out of anxiety for the upcoming events on Saturday. I literally had it mapped out on a piece of paper (cut X here, Y here, do an extra Z minutes of this exercise on this day, etc). I mentioned I'll be eating out a lot, but that actually makes it even easier for me to restrict because I just play the Picky card as an excuse for not eating much.
Yesterday's double therapy sessions (I usually see C weekly and D every other week, but I knew I was inching towards a bad place and so got a session with her yesterday even though I saw her last week also) helped me get my head back on straight. I didn't have illusions of losing weight before the weekend, just wanted desperately to not gain, look bloated, etc. Which is how I started the whole ED path in the first place, of course--not to lose a ton of weight but just to not gain anymore, which I became pathologically good at to the point of withering away to almost nothing. But really my weight hasn't gone up in a while even doing my full MP every day, so it was just irrational anxieties trying to manifest in the ways they typically have done in the past. But really this event is not centered on me, and I want to have good memories of it, not fuzzy ones formed in a hypoglycemic haze.
So the current goal is to hang in there and do my best to make it through this week without falling off the wagon.
2 comments:
I was JUST talking about this with Jane yesterday.... how i was never attempting to lose weight... I was just "making sure" I didn't gain any - and by default, by accident, that ends up in weight loss. (although, now, my body just kinda stays put. I think I could starve for a month and I'd weigh the same as if I ate everything in the grocery store every day for a month)
Good for you, Cammy for realizing what your TRUE goals are: to have good memories of this week, not fuzzy ones formed in a hypoglycemic haze." (That is also my goal for going to Colorado today).
Hang in there, Cam. You're worth it. And I believe that you will do it.
i needed to read this!!!!!!! i am going on a 5 day trip to MD for a wedding i am in, in 2 weeks... i have already started the mind games, extra stress/anxiety over something that SHOULD be an incredibly fun experience!
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