It's funny, because internally and externally this weekend have been totally different experiences. I had a full-blown anxiety attack yesterday morning, and 2 hours later I showed up primped and pressed for a big ceremony and day of activities, smiled and joked and put on my best charms for Match's family. I cried halfway to the event today, but got there and truly had a good time. What is wrong with me? I did spontaneous things and stepped out of the box, but just contemplating it at the start of each day made my head want to explode.
I feel kind of like I've been holding my breath all weekend, trying to make the most of things in the moment while a craving for the norm underlaid everything...and I find out today some of his family is staying til tomorrow, and I'm invited to do more stuff with them. I felt like a deflated balloon. And I fucking hate that, because I LIKE these people. I have fun with them. They're smart and funny and awesome. I'm the freak with the screwed up gears in my head.
Match and I had some tense words this morning, he was pissed off that I didn't stay overnight there last night to hang with his family more, but I really, really needed the recharge time. I don't think he really understood that. Then I felt like he was being pushy and demanding and a bit controlling (I'm an adult! I'll sleep at my own apartment if I want to!). BUT, I hadn't really kept him in the loop about how stressed I was throughout the weekend, I played happy happy dress up smile and sunny because I didn't want to be a cloud over the celebrations. Once I explained to him just how much effort and stress it is for me to even break routine a little, much less for an entire week, he was a lot more understanding. Communication! What a great invention. He was great about working in some breaks for me today, and did request for me to spend time with them tomorrow but told me he'd work around whatever time was most comfortable for me, and wouldn't expect me to stay very long if I didn't want to. And the thing is I DO want to spend time with them. It's just scary and stressful. I think I've already said that several different ways at this point.
Ok for being too tired to do anything this is a very long post, I shall cut off the rambling....now.
9 comments:
Tough weekend but you've gotten through it.
I can definitely understand that whole prior to anxiety of event and then having fun later. It makes you feel crazy, because you aren't able to feel that way ahead of time. I think it takes a lot of practice to get to a point of feeling okay.
Glad that you and Match talked though and he's been more understanding. Recharge time is important. Hope tomorrow goes okay and eating gets back on track too. ;-)
Here's to you getting recharge time AND for making it through the past week no matter how hard it was.
I understand that kind of emotion. It is like a RELEASE of sorts from all the tension, analyzing, control etc you've been holding- all the worry etc. You realize it was for nothing, but you are still anxious and over-wrought and OVER WHELMED because it IS SO HARD mentally, and psychologically/emotionally taxing! IT is relieft mixed with so much emotion that I think our bodies can't handle such intense mixed feelings. Communication is key! Be open and honest with him! However, you went anyways! Hopefully, with time it will get easier. You faced your fear and got through it! You should feel so proud!!! XOXO
I think this mirrors my general feeling about changes in routine in general ... whether it's something I plan and, ostensibly, I'm looking forward to, or it's something impromptu, dreaded or otherwise slightly (or more than slightly) out of my control.
For me, I think it's a combination of generalized (and ED-specific) anxiety, as well as change-inertia, control issues and an ongoing difficulty just "being" in my own skin and my own space/life (if it hasn't been carefully crafted). It's that difficult letting go, giving up control, rigidity and love for rules, structure, knowing what to expect, planning, etc.
Besides, people are so messy and unpredictable ... even though you have enjoyed your time with them, it has been a significant journey outside your "routine box," and the cumulative effect of all those things on top of regular life stressors = !high anxiety! emotional lability! hypervigilance! irritability!
Even people without a history of eating disorders or mental-health diagnoses are challenged by relatives ... and for you, these relatives are new and not actually related (don't have to accept you unconditionally).
I think your feelings are perfectly reasonable responses, and the experience likely will help you navigate such social occasions in the future. I'm glad the visit is going well and you have pushed through and used communication skills, but I'll be glad for you when you can let your guard down and settle back into some semblence of normalcy.
I relate to a lot of this, as I have a really hard time breaking routine. When I do break routine, I need a lot of recharge time. I have a ton of anxiety going into events like this. Larry and I are talking about going out to Michigan to see his family next summer (yes, over a year away) and I'm already hyperventilating. I don't like having to be "on." I don't like dealing with other people's food preferences (and having to tweak mine accordingly). I tend to restrict in these situations. It's just so overwhelming for me and I've yet to figure out how to deal with it while eating 100% of my calories. The last time we went to see Larry's family, I really did have a sort of breakdown that necessitated a walk outside and some Valium. No joke. I don't think it's that abnormal to consider things like this taxing. It really is important to just communicate what you need to make the situation OK, and hope that Match or whoever else understands. Don't be too hard on yourself either. You're not some screwed up freak. This was a difficult weekend, and for good reason, in my opinion.
"I played happy happy dress up smile and sunny because I didn't want to be a cloud over the celebrations."
i do this too :( i regretfully over anxiety and overthink so many situations, hell any situation, where i will be anywhere for any extended period of time. my true test starts next wednesday when i am away from my home(hell across the nation) for 5 days straight. i am so nervous/antsy about it.
communication is key though i agree with you. i mine as well 'spill the beans' when and if i freak out because people will have more understanding
Oh wow, sounds like life has really been testing you! I know things have been a bit off, but you will get back to normal. I'm glad that Match tries; it sounds like he really cares about you, even if he does get frustrated.
It would have been a hard weekend for me, too. I'm glad you (in retrospect) are feeling okay about it. And I ALWAYS get anxious before events and freak out and then have a wonderful time!!! I hope you get lots of recharge time and can get back in a groove (but no unhealthy stuff in that groove, ok?) I am really happy and excited for all that you were able to get through, and that is part of recovery--to face your limits and then realize, "hey, I did this and survived" and to know that the next time will be easier. I'm also glad you were able to discuss with Match.
Wow, Cammy, I read this and am so impressed by you. You know when you read things about other people, and, while you understand it was hard for them, you just know that it was so good too? And you, as the reader, can see 100% that whatever the author did was good... but the author, because he or she had to live it, is still unsure and a little shaken? that's how I feel about you now. I really do see how hard this was for you.... and I just see you REALLY doing things that are totally inline with your goals - to live a healthy life where the authentic Cammy is calling the shots so that you can develop close relationships and seize what there is to seize in life. You're doing it, Cammy. And this is how it feels... hard.... but this weekend was so good for you. I hope you're majorly patting yourself on the back!
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