More Good Questions

From Formspring:

Your blog title "building beauty beyond body" conveys that you believe the ultra thin look is "beautiful" and that you are trying to build something beyond this. Do you really think the ultra thin state is beautiful?

I am sorry to hear that the title can be interpreted as such, because that is honestly not what I meant to imply. I *absolutely* do not think that the ultra-thin state is beautiful, glamorous, feminine, or to any degree desirable. I look at pictures of myself from my rock-bottom periods, and the only thing I can think is that I looked like...a creature. Barely even human, much less beautiful. Ultra-thin is sick, miserable, cold, and empty. None of which are anything to aspire to. I would not go back to my thinner body if you paid me, even if you promised I wouldn't feel cold, hungry, tired, etc. I for damn sure wouldn't want to look like that again.

So what DOES the title mean, then? It is hard for me to articulate exactly, but basically I mean for it to convey that in order to resolve body issues, you have to focus on the bigger picture, you have to look at the beauty around you, the beauty of experiencing life, engaging with people, and fulfilling your potential. Physical beauty comes and goes with the trends and the years. Part of recovery is finding physical balance, and I hope that everyone does indeed see the beauty in their healthy bodies. But in the end you have to find a more lasting beauty in your life in order to stay happy in the long term. We are constantly bombarded with messages that we have to be X, Y, or Z to be beautiful. We have to be thin, we have to be curvy, we need no fat on our stomachs but plenty on our chests, we have to be tall and leggy or petite and precious, curly blonde or super-straight brunette. We get hit with diet pill ads back-to-back with fast food commercials. Our culture invented both the Stairmaster and the escalator. Wtf, really? It's like being Alice in Wonderland, where she is given all kinds of pills that lead to different physical results (should she shrink down tiny or grow to an enormous height?), and the mixed messages just scramble everything until we can't tell up from down, but we know we always seem to be oriented the opposite direction from what we think we want.

Now I'm rambling from atop my soap box, apologies. The title of this blog is meant to imply moving towards a fuller, more multi-faceted embracing of life, because being happy and healthy is the most beautiful state possible, inside and out. I know it might sound cliche, but it's so true.

You've come a long way since you began this blog, and even if you still have issues to overcome, you're much farther along on your path to recovery than I am. Do you have any advice for someone with anorexia who has just recently began trying to recover?

This is a toughie because I feel like the answers are both simple and complex. In general, people with EDs are highly intelligent and high-functioning in other areas of their lives. So it's not an issue of getting someone to understand that eating only X or continuing Y behavior will damage them physically, make them mentally miserable, and shorten their life. We get that, right? The hard part is to learn that those rules actually apply to *you*. This might sound strange to an outsider, but I would bet most EDers understand. You would never tell a friend she could only have a tiny amount of food and must exercise many hours a day, would you? You wouldn't impose that on a child. I hope you wouldn't even do it to an animal. But we do those things to ourselves every day, with the behaviors and the destructive self-talk. So one of my main pieces of advice would be to work on taking a step back and asking yourself if you would want your friend, sister, daughter, etc, making the decision you're about to make.

Another item: give yourself time to adjust to your body as you gain weight. I tend to be in freakout mode for a week or two when I add a few pounds, but after a grace period I honestly come to love the healthier look. It takes a while for your brain to catch up with what your body is doing (see this post for a detailed discussion on the science behind that: http://buildingbeautybeyondbody.blogspot.com/2008/06/does-this-outfit-make-my-schema-look.html). So if you get to a goal weight, or even just to a milestone, and find that you don't think you can stand it, do your best to wait it out, it really will get better, and you'll be much happier in the end.

One of the most frustrating parts of anorexia, for me, was the wasted time and opportunities. With all the hours I devoted to my disease every day, I could have read an extra library of books, become fluent in several languages, done tons of art projects, played a team sport, created deeper relationships, written a novel...but I literally just burned time away. One of the greatest things about recovery is creating room in your life for other hobbies/goals. Maybe if you're struggling, it could help to start a project, join a club, invest in supplies for a new passion that will both occupy your time constructively and give you some other way to define yourself beyond the ED.

Taking it stepwise is ok (assuming your treatment team is supervising/approving the steps), just make sure you're consistently stepping in the right direction. Remember that no matter how hard recovery is (it is challenging, I won't lie), look at the alternative. It's amazing how easy it is to cling to a harmful and miserable lifestyle just because it's known, the familiarity factor is very powerful. But each day is a new box on the calendar and a new chance to make the right decisions. There is NO power forcing you to do something just because you did it yesterday, even if it feels like the pattern is inescapable. You're the boss and you call the shots here, the disease is a part of you but it is not You.

Too sappy? I'm not sure, if so then major apologies. But it's still true.

(Apologies for color variation at the start of the post, must have been an issue in copying and pasting from Formspring).