Pondering the Positives

I have a major exam tomorrow and cannot fit one more piece of knowledge, not ONE MORE. If I cram in single extra item, some other vital piece of information will slip out, slide away, evaporate into cognitive dust. This factoid could be something useless, like my ex-boyfriend's birthday, or it could be some vital tidbit of information up on which my entire career as a scientist hangs in the balance. Can't risk it, so now I am done with learnin' for tonight and am cooling my circuits in the blogosphere.

So, my perceptions are pretty much ping-ponging around right now, and in honor of "No Fat Talk Week," I figured it would be good to document a positive day to try to balance all of my recent wailing and flailing. I have been letting my weight inch up a little again after sliding backwards for a couple of weeks, and I am trying really hard to make myself ok with it.

So, for the past day or so I have felt good. What is "good," anyway? It's funny how that is such a relative and ambiguous turn. In the very recent past, a "good" day might have been one with no episodes of passing out. "Good" could mean finding an extra pocket of time to exercise, or getting really lucky and "only" having minimal heart palpitations for an entire day. Glamorous, huh?

Fortunately, as I am working on shedding the ED, my "goods" seem to be getting "gooder." Today: I felt strong, physically and mentally. Not strong in terms of mustering the energy to endure the day, but strong as in truly motivated and energetic. Strong as in realizing that treating my body right really does make the day 2934% more enjoyable. Strong as in slowly coming to terms with the fact that living in a more realistic physique might not be so bad after all. This week I have been able to see myself a bit more objectively, and to force myself to view food in terms of what it can do for me, instead of what it may do to me.

Positive observations:

~As I have noted before, I am starting to acquire a butt. However, it's actually a pretty cute one, I think.

~Starving makes your mind constantly obsess over food. But there are so many more interesting things to think about than counting calories and stressing over the next meal. I am really, really frustrated with myself over the amount of time I spend each day thinking of nothing but food and calories and exercise. Seriously, if I channeled that much brainpower into something else, I probably would have discovered the Higgs Boson or mapped the Bigfoot genome or invented toilet paper that can be used without shredding the first three sheets of a new roll into ribbons. Since my body is slightly less in survival mode these days, my brain is able to take longer and longer breaks from obsessing over the next meal, and it's such a freeing feeling. Maybe my body is growing, but my mind is able to grow infinitely more, and that's a pretty good deal.

~A little extra padding makes sitting in plastic chairs a much less agonizing experience.

~It feels good to hear a favorite song come on the radio and have the energy to jam out to it, dancing with the dog and making a general fool out of myself, albeit within the privacy of my own walls. I can distinctly remember times in high school when I was so utterly sapped that I would sit there and weigh the pros and cons of reaching up to push a strand of hair behind my ear if it fell into my face. Then it was too. much. effort. No more.

I think I may start randomly posting observations like these as they come to me, I want to make sure this blog has a positive spin while still giving a real picture of what a bewildering process this whole recovery thing can be. Some days I feel as if I look like someone stuffed a basket ball into my stomach, and some days I can see my body and realize how much better it looks and feels to have tone than bone, to feel fit instead of feeling like a broken toy held together with cheap scotch tape. I still have a lot of weight left to gain, not sure how I am going to handle that, but I guess I will get there the same way I got here, one day at a time, keeping enough perspective to rebound from the slides.

So in the meantime, happy No Fat Talk Week, please do me a favor and try to make a list for yourself of things your body does for you, instead of things that you can do to it. As always, take care and treat yourselves kindly.