Panel discussion was fairly good but not that remarkable, I may have comments on it later but wanted to address some stuff from the weekend first:
But when I uploaded my pictures I was really appalled at how grotesquely huge I look. Damn, how can I walk around like this, with my disgustingness on display to the world? Objectively I know I'm still underweight, I haven't gained any weight in weeks, but I am heavier than I have averaged since I've been in college, and I hate the changes. It doesn't help that I went on the same camping trip last year, to the exact same site (I wasn't in the class last year, but I was allowed to tag along), so I have two sets of pictures to compare, with the Cammy of 2008 significantly heavier than the Cammy of 2007. I'm embarrassed to send the new ones to my family or post them on Facebook, even though I'm doing some awesome things in the photos and really want to share those adventures.
It's not just my overall size in the pictures that bothers me, it's mostly my face. I HATE it when my face fills out, I just don't like the shape of it. One possible reason for this (H.'s favorite theory, at least) is that it's because I look so incredibly similar to my biological dad. If you compare pictures of us at the same age (yes, he was just a little older than me when I was born, SCARY) we could seriously pass for fraternal twins. thus, filled out face = reminder of abusive alcoholic father. That's a hypothesis, but I don't really buy it, because I honestly can go weeks without even thinking about him, I just don't consider him all that relevant or significant. At least not compared to the crippling relevance that fat feels like.
If I feel like this right now, how am I ever going to handle getting to what H. has decided my minimum first goal should be? Why is this so hard? And why, when I looked at pictures of myself in another -ology lab just three days before the fieldtrip, was I struck by how thin I looked? I didn't gain any weight between the two sets of pictures, but I swear I look way huger in the weekend photos. What gives, my friends?
One other downside to the weekend is that my metabolism is a Big Growling Beast right now, so I spent a lot of time hungry. When you're in the field food is mostly granola bars, etc, and those just don't hold me very well right now. As a result I spent way too much time thinking about how much I wanted food, it was pretty annoying, I would have much rather been focused on other things.
One upside to balance the downers: I opened up to a friend about the eating issues and the fact that I'm seeing a therapist. She used to be a gymnast, and she has never had food issues but she has definitely witnessed the downward spiral in others. She was really understanding and supportive, it wasn't as awkward as I imagined something like that would be.
I have two exams tomorrow, and not only did I spend time going to an event on campus tonight but now I am sitting on Blogger. Bad, bad Cammy, I need to go hit the books.
2 comments:
Kudos for being brave with your friend. I used to worry that people would judge me negatively if they knew I had an eating disorder, but nearly everyone who knows has been supportive.
As for the pics - photographs are damn tricky things. Your perceived increase between the lab pictures and the field trip pictures could be due to anything - lighting, clothing style, etc - but I'd wager it's HOW you're seeing, not WHAT you're seeing. I think it's part of the disorientation that comes with not having a stable body image.
I dare say you're the only one who notices those differences -- just speaking from past experience and also what I've heard from other people. Remember: be healthy. :)
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