I am slowly realizing that I'm just going to have to come to terms with the bad days, or else that little piece of elastic that is suspending my sanity is eventually going to snap. Some days will be good, some not, but I can't derail every time things get tough. I have had terrible body image days this week; I am feeling a little less disgusting today (good), but only because the scale has been lower each morning for the past few days (bad). Also, I think that to some degree I am just exhausted to the point of ambivalence, also not really good. Is this semester over yet?
I am definitely in need of affirmations right now, reminders of why I'm putting myself through the recovery wringer in the first place. So, just a few reasons that recovery is worth it:
1)MEMORY. Last semester I would get immensely frustrated and more than a little scared when I studied, and studied, and studied, and still retained so little. It's extremely disturbing to know that you've just looked at a piece of information, but find yourself unable to recall it. I had to work twice as hard to remember half as much. My grades didn't fall, but that was only due to extreme effort. In contrast, now that my brain is out of starvation mode I am noticing a huge difference. I have a semi-photographic memory, and now I'm back to where I only need to look at something once or twice for it to "stick." I will never take that for granted again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming any kind of superintelligence, I think it has little to do with IQ and everything to do with level of engagement. Starving brains have more pressing things to worry about than ecological theories and the taxonomy of monotremes, and my favorite recovery reward so far is new mindspace for ideas and information.
2)HAIR. When I was younger I would constantly complain about how thick my hair was: curly and unruly and generally a pain in the ass. Sometimes it seemed so thick that I could have concealed a weapon in it. Over the past few years it has thinned down quite a bit, sort of surreal to watch. I think it is starting to get back some shine now, though, and I'm not getting handfuls out of it every time I shower.
3) ENERGY. I have mentioned this before, but it's one that I really just can't get over. Life is so much better when you are not in constant energy debt, it's amazing. I actually played a spontaneous game of tag with G. in the backyard today, a few months ago I would have had no physical or mental fuel for something like that. Everything was calibrated to get me through the daily routine with absolutely nothing left over. Having some ooomph to actually live is definitely a reward.
Ok, I have three papers to finish this weekend, plus two exams coming up next week, so I'm going to stop procrastinating and get back to work. Take care and have a great rest of the weekend, everyone.
3 comments:
oh cam, please stop the morning weighing. If there's one thing that frees my mind more than anything else in recovery, it's having the scale put away and not tempting me in the bathroom. There's no way to win if you watch the scale each day. If it goes up you're pissed, even sub-consciously, if it goes down it's addicting...you really need to stop looking at it and focus on the way your body feels. xoxo
My freshman year I got A's, but like you I worked much harder than I should have had to. I tend to study too much anyway, but that was ridiculous. A lot of that year is still very fuzzy in my memory.
And yay hair! My dad was getting tired of unclogging our drains. It looked like I left a hamster carcass in the drain every time I showered.
those are great reasons for recovery, thanks for sharing. v motivating. so, any way you could trash that scale?
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