It's been a while. I have definitely been slacking in the blogging department. I am so indescribably overwhelmed this semester, I honestly have no idea how I'm going to pull everything off. I'm active in a lot of things, taking a lot of classes, etc, all of which I thought I could handle...but it turns out that the number of papers I have to write this fall is unreal, more than all of my other semesters of college combined. Plus, I'm applying for MegaHugeGrant for my proposed grad school topic. It's worth six figures, this is the kind of thing that professors will take a semester's sabbatical to work on, but I'm trying to get it done on top of two jobs, 18 hours of classes, at least an hour a day with correspondence/coordinating work for the organization I am president of, etc...I have always been a "doer," but I have really found (and passed) my limit, I think. So far I have spent a total of over nine hours on just one of the four essays required for the application, and the piece is still only about 2/3 done.
For once in my life, nutrition/exercise are not the biggest self-inflicted health hazards. I think they have taken a backseat to sleep deprivation, which I am experiencing at a whole new level. I can't claim to have insomnia, because I have no trouble falling asleep when I decide to let myself, I just have trouble getting to bed, if that makes sense. Could we call this "anasomnia?"
Exhibit A: Bad: This week it got to the point where I literally had to sit down and consult my planner to figure out when I had time to take a shower.
Worse: I had to decide that there indeed wasn't time.
Worst: This happened for three days in a row. Hurrah for pony-tails and baseball caps.
Exhibit B:
I had do move my alarm clock from the bedroom to the computer room, because it has become routine for me to fall asleep over the keyboard and never make it to bed. I'll fade out and fall asleep at the desk for an hour or so, wake up and squeeze out about 20 minutes of work before nodding off again...wash, rinse, repeat, and before you know it morning has come and it is time for the pre-dawn workout, G.'s morning walk, and frantic packing of stuff for a 14 hours on campus before rushing out the door to my 8 AM class.
Because I am a trivia junkie, a couple of interesting scientific terms:
Nocturia is the medical term for "having to pee in the middle of the night"
The crusty stuff on your eyes when you wake up is called "rheu."
Anyway, I am really tired of feeling crappy all the time, but I just have so much to do. Thus far I have resisted falling back into my old caffeine addiction; the stuff leaches calcium from your bones and I cannot afford that. I need to figure out something with the sleep, though, because I am really, really feeling run down and on edge most of the time, and that is not how I wanted my senior year to go.
Plus, I feel fat. Some say fat is not a feeling, but technically it can be: you have sensors and special areas of your brain for building cognitive body maps, and one fo the things they keep track of is how much fat you have. Back in June I wrote about body schemas. Read the original post for the whole story, but in a nutshell your schema is your body's sensory map, it keeps track of all of your bits and pieces. When we gain/lose weight, body image (how you see/feel about yourself) and body schema can change at different rates, so things get out of whack and you just feel weird. I think I am experiencing this right now. Or something.
It's hard to explain. I just know that my weight was slowly inching up (and I mean slowly, I've been seeing H. for 10 months and I have gained less than 1/3 of what she wanted me to put on by July). I was ok with it, I really was. I don't miss heart palpitations, I don't miss "shakey brain," and I was enjoying having energy. But the scale started crawling towards a threshold at which I really start to feel uncomfortable. The number itself is pretty arbitrary, but then again what isn't? So, there was anxiety about seeing and then passing that point. Also, last week I was struck by the fact that all of the sudden my legs and ass move a little when I walk/jump. Wtf, this feels WEIRD. I have started to turn into a semi-voyeur, paying extra (yet subtle, I hope) attention to other people of about my age, and it appears that LOTS of people have jiggle and motion, some quite a bit. Doesn't that bother them? I mean, how does it not drive them nuts?I'm not being rhetorical, I really do wonder this. And don't get me wrong, I don't even see many of these people as being fat. They look good, like healthy young women. Actually, I am often jealous of them and their synchronized schemas. The issue, I think, is that I have had the ED since I was barely 13, and have just never had a woman's body. It feels like putting on someone else's clothes: alien and awkward and just a bit icky. If I had developed a womanly shape gradually like most normal people do, it would have been a natural transition from child to adulthood. But at this point I'm already a grown-up, and the change is just from adult to heavier adult. Yikes. And with everything else that is on my mind right now, being in a foreign physique is not something I can really afford to spend time stressing over.
So this week I have been inching back down a little bit, only semi-intentionally. My schedule is crazy and it's easy to skimp on food without even realizing it. I haven't really tried to take pounds off, but I haven't made the necessary effort to keep them on, if that makes sense. It's amazing how much a margin of just a couple of pounds can make a difference in how my body feels. Or, more accurately I guess, how I feel about my body. Schema vs image, right?. It's also amazing how seductive loss is. . .the power to diminish the body at will, the ephemeral high that comes from reaching new lows.
I'm can't let this spiral into a relapse, though. I won't. I have way too much on the line right now. I can tell that my concentration and energy are much better than X pounds ago, and I have no desire to digress back to that place. I know that if I keep moving towards a healthy weight my system will eventually equilibrate, it's just a matter of gritting my teeth and dealing with the awkwardness until I get to that point. I know all of those things intellectually, but feelings are always what throws a wrench in the best-laid plans. . . we'll see how it goes.
5 comments:
hi sweets, I am so glad you took the time to write all this out. I find it helps me to focus and attack the day better when I can visibly see the words and feelings that have been running through my mind, even when it seems there is not a moment to spare for myself.
Some thoughts...why do you have to do so much? Can you still achieve your long term goals by cutting back a bit on the present To-Do list? e.g. instead of heading 3 clubs, can you head one or two? Maybe a trusted professor could tell you which activities, if cut, would not affect grad school admission or grant decisions? It just seems so abnormal, you know, having to do so much as an undergraduate. Most successful, happy people surely didn't have to do half that much to get where they are. Secondly, can't remember if it was you or someone else, but did you say you had a boyfriend? If so, what does he say about your body and changes? I find my husband has been my number-one advocate and helper in accepting my body. "Ladies are supposed to have a curve right there, CG" etc. I don't want to look like I am 10 years old anymore, I'm 25. I want people to take me seriously at work!!
Anyway, I am thinking of you and sending lots of positive vibes your way. Stay strong : )
xoxo
"Being in a foreign physique" - what a fantastic way to put that feeling into words. When you try to change your body and you actually get results, it's disorienting. Scary, too, to feel that "wiggle" where it hadn't been before. Sometimes when I notice it, I get a panicky must-go-to-gym-NOW feeling, must-STOP-eating feeling. Even when people tell you how much better you look, there's a struggle to break free from that control/out of control dichotomy.
And damn, girl, you are busy. Not to be a nag, but I kind of agree with CG - is there anything you could let go of?
I agree with Cookie girl that cutting back might be helpful. Easier said than done. Part of learning about yourself is also learning your limitations.
I totally hear you about sleep deprivation. I am similar to you--as soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm out, it's just getting me to the point of going to sleep. Sleep deprivation, however, can really mess with your head after awhile, so it is vital. I've found really the only way of getting at least a decent amount of sleep was by making it a priority.
As for body stuff, I have to admit, I chuckled at your descriptions of asses jiggling. I've had similar thoughts. Don't know much to say there but that your ass is a part of your body and it does indeed move, and that is normal and it's okay too. :-)
I think your last line about knowing your body will find where it needs to be is a good one, but at the same time, you have to let it get there too. Again, easier said than done.
Hang in there!
You're amazing. Really. This post makes me want to NEVER complain about being busy EVER AGAIN. Having to plan showers into your agenda is a foreign concept to me. Sleeping in my desk chair for twenty minutes and then waking up to do more work is a foreign concept as well.
Please, please take care of yourself. Don't get sucked back into the "less is better" mentality. You need fuel and energy to get through this stressful time.
C, I got overwhelmed reading this post, and I'm not even DOING it! I don't know how you are. What is your treatment team saying about this? They can't be okay with the amount of classes and projects you are committed to. Just like Tiptoe said, learning more about yourself and respecting your body means learning your limits and honoring and respecting them. It's okay you aren't super human; nobody is. I'm worried C!
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