This has been a rough, rough week in terms of crazy deadlines, exams, meetings, etc. I can't remember the last night that I slept more than 4.5 hours. Fortunately, the weekend should be a blast. One of my -ology classes is going on a weekend fieldtrip, we leave this afternoon and will spend two nights in a national forest (about three hours away). It will be pretty much nonstop finding/examining/learning about critters, I'm pretty pumped.
Eating has not been great this week, I wish I was feeling stronger for the trip, but I usually do well with eating when I'm doing fieldwork. I guess part of it is being removed from my normal routines and rules, and part of it is that it really helps me to see my body as a machine that needs fueled, and to focus on things in the big wide world, outside of the microcosm of Cammy's ED. Being in nature makes me realize how small my place in the world is, how many of the things that stress me so much (calories in/out, exercise, weight, etc) are pretty arbitrary and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I'm pretty much just in awe of this planet and the mind-blowingly complex web of things that occupy it. And after this week, I am definitely down for some nature therapy.
Speaking of therapy, thanks for the comments/e-mail support I got for yesterday's appointment. It was less stressful than the past few sessions have been, I think H. is trying to play "good cop bad cop" on me. She did want to talk about how I felt during/after last week's appointment, when I got the most upset I've ever been in a session. I think I'm going to ruminate on things this weekend and later I'll write a more coherent, collected post about that stuff, because I don't really have it all sorted out in my head right now. I think my main problem is that after almost 10 years of this, I am really kind of shooting into the dark. I can't aim to just give up the ED and go back to normal, because I have no concept of what that's like, I've never been a "normal" adult. Going forward into the unknown is much different than going back to a better time, and I think that's where I'm stalling.
One thing that did irritate me this week, though, is that she is really pressing the IP issue. I am not going to do it, for myriad reasons, but she keeps pushing. Maybe it is an alternative, more professional way for her to dump me, to make me someone else's problem. Don't get me wrong, I know IP has helped a lot of people, I'm not trying to denigrate the general concept, it's just not in any way feasible (or, in my admittedly biased opinion, necessary) for me right now, even if I did want it.
Anyway, enough of that talk, I have to go do the panic-last minute packing ritual before heading out. I hope everyone has a great weekend!
2 comments:
I'm glad to hear your therapy appt. was less stressful. For the record, I really don't think she is mentioning the IP idea as a professional way to "dump" you. I know our minds can see it that way.
I think your insight into one reason why you're stalling is very valid. Fear of the unknown is an incredibly scary place, whether it be as simple as going to a new place. finding the right job/school, finding who you really are, or discovering what recovery truly is. Keep pondering these things. It's good stuff!
I hope you have a good weekend doing nature stuff. I always find peace and solace in that as well.
Hugs.
If you want to be yourself as you dream, you have to take out the rubbish that you learned which is not yours
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