Therapy yesterday:
I was telling C. about my conversation with Match about ED issues, and mentioned that he claimed he hasn't noticed I've gained a few pounds since we started seeing one another 6 months ago. C jotted a note down and said "I agree, I can't tell either. I don't try to pay attention to that on all my clients, but there are some that I'm supposed to pay attention to, and I can tell you I can't tell that you've gained any weight since last fall."
Who decides who she is "supposed" to pay attention to? What is involved in "paying attention", shouldn't this be an issue for all the clients? How does one get oneself flagged and how can I unflag myself? Is she mandated by some higher up to check out the spread of my ass every time I leave her office? I'm really not upset about this, just gave me pause. At first she was weighing me at random times, until I convinced her that this did terrible things to my mindset and made my eating really off-balance for a full 48 hours leading up to all my appointments. Now she trusts me to self-report accurately if asked (I am always honest), and doesn't weigh me in the office. But apparently she "pays attention," whatever that means.
The doctor last month:
When I went in to get my back looked at after my car accident, I mentioned to the doctor (it was an UrgentCare doc, not my normal physician) that I was erring on the side of caution with getting checked out, because I am in recovery from anorexia and have low bone density. He very blatantly looked me up and down and said "Well, you seem to be doing well with that, don't you?" Jeepers mister, thanks. I'm sorry I didn't crawl in on bony hands and knees to make a nicer specimen for you. I should get a note from you to show to C.
Mixed messages, anyone?
And then this gem from Match, who, despite being very caring and insightful, does blunder occasionally:
He was stroking my arm while we were watching a movie, and he put his hand around my bicep and said "Look, I can almost fit my hand around your arm, close but not quite." Poor guy, for a normal girl this may have implied thinness, but it was not too long ago that I could fit my own hand around my arm easily, and a reminder of how much I've "grown" in the past 2 years still feels like a kick in my amplified gut. I think he saw the anguish flash on my face, because he quickly back-pedaled and said "My hand just needs to be bigger, I think," and tried to change the subject. (Actually, his hands are not much bigger than mine, which is disproportionate b/c I have long fingers and wear a size 10 shoe. where was I going with this? Am I still speaking parenthetically? Oy vey). I knew he was just being playful and wasn't thinking about weight issues when he said it. I guess that's a good sign, because it means he's not on eggshells about it all the time.
Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it, and if you can't laugh at least don't dwell. That's what I tell myself, at least. I know that 90% of the time most of these comments are not ill-intentioned at all. And some of the ones I've gotten in the past are pretty damn funny, sometimes the more ignorant the better. I think that if you can make fun of it (it being the ED), to some degree, you can own it and give yourself a little bit of the upper hand (which should NOT fit around your arm!).
15 comments:
I agree with your assessments on the comments. C's was a bit off but likely to give you assurance than anything else. Those comments are some of the hardest to get my head to un-spin out of it.
Poor Match. Though playful, glad he did realize it was a sensitive subject.
Lastly, I want to say what a great attitude you have about it. I think being able to find humor in EDs is really a therapeutic and a sign of progress in recovery. Love the last line!
Ya, I understand this one all too well. I feel like any comments about food or weight or body size are a total minefield. There's not much someone can say that's really 'right.' Your therapist kind of flubbed up there. I mean, marking certain clients as being on a watch list is sort of too transparent to her process or something. I find it best when therapists just don't comment on weight at all. My best one would just nod if I said I felt fat or whatever. That kind of diffused it. If I say I've gained weight, there's not really a right response. "Good job" feels trite and silly. "I can't tell" feels sort of dismissive. "I can tell" feels HORRID. It's hard for people to know what to say. About the doctor... I'm not sure why, but they are notorious for stupid comments. I had one pinch my stomach once and say, "Well, at least you have some fat." Oh my. I just don't even tell my doctors about my past anymore. It never goes well. As for Match... I feel for him. Guys don't always say the right thing. Funny, I've had the same arm issue. There was a point when I told my husband, "Oh my god, I can't put my hand around my arm anymore" and he said, "That's great!" I said, "No, it's not." He was totally confused. It's hard because the stated goal is weight gain...but our heart isn't always in that, and our emotions reflect the ambivalence. He tried to backtrack. He really seems to put effort into being supportive and understanding, and that's the important thing.
This comment is way too long!
Guys do say without realizing what it's saying to us. One morning I was lounging on the couch with a tank top and no bra. My boyfriend comes in and sees me and says "Why are your boobs so far down?" Gee thanks. :)
But I am sure Match meant it as look at how small your arm is, and you are doing a great job getting over your ED. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
One of the things I've had to work really hard on is not being triggered by comments. Especially by comments from people who aren't aware of my e.d. issues.
It's healthy that you can see the humour in these comments.
I propose a new mantra for the week: "Health and beauty is having limbs you can't fit your hand around!!"
I think it would have been acceptable to throat-punch the urgent care doc.
But seriously, comments are so hard. I'm afraid to tell people that I am in recovery because I am afraid of precisely an urgent-care-doc reaction.
And Match is learning. Jim once blacked out all the nutrition information on every food package in his apartment. If I didn't know, then it couldn't bother me, right?
Its good you handled it so well, my boyfriend told me my boobs were getting bigger and I immediately called it off, blaming the sudden decision on big whoppers.
Don't dwell. He thinks your sexy as hell!
my boyfriend will comment with adorable joy when my boobs get bigger. he's so excited -- i feel badly about how freaked out it makes me that i've grown.
i've had plenty of people tell me i'm at a great weight, when in truth i'm starving and restricting and obsessing. i try hard to know my own truth. not easy, always.
perhaps C. didn't phrase her thoughts perfectly, but i took it to mean she really cares for you. wouldn't it seem negligent if she weren't keeping an eye out for you?
it's not a lot of fun having an ED, is it?
Comments are tricky. An interesting thing, though, is that when I read about the Dr. comments, I interpreted it to mean that he was being sarcastic and because you are very thin. My therapist doesn't even weigh me and she reminded me that I had gained weighttr - that was a wonderful experience - lol. And my RD says to me "I don't need to weigh you all the time" which to me means "you're fat so I don't need to worry about you losing weight." Anyway, our mind totally twists these comments. I'm glad you're able to see this, remind yourself of the intention, remind yourself that it's not good to be able to fit an entire hand around your arm at all. Keep the rational brain in control when you hear comments like these.
Surprise, I wear size ten shoes, too! Yay! And I could once fit my hand around my arm, too, and it was an odd day when I realized I couldn't do that anymore. It was odd, but not devastating, either. I'm happier overall. Really happier.
Once my SISTER commented on my "new" boobs (after recovery) and I almost cried. Out of all of the people who could have said anything... for some reason, even the people who "should know better" aren't immune to such things.
I love you!
I know what you mean. I once had my (ex)boyfriend -who'd been my friend throughout recovery- tell me at my minimum weight that I "looked fine now."
That was a head-storm and a half.
I agree that a lot of comments are difficult during recovery- but in reality, that's what they are, just comments- just words escaping from the mouth of others often without much thought- and recovering from an ED means combining that with all the twisting ways of the ED to change the meaning into something that the say-er didn't really intend in the first place.
It's tough (especially that doctor's one, I feel frustrated by that- especially since he's a doctor!) If it's a comment that's particularly sensitive, I usually make sure to convey how I interpret the comment just to sort of...I don't know...dispel the ED voice's interpretation or to get the other person to realize the weight of their words.
"Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it, and if you can't laugh at least don't dwell."
story of my life there! it is so true...sometimes ya just gotta be a trooper and keeping marching forward in life/recovery because if not itll just pass you by!
I am (for all intents and purposes, at least) recovered, and I recently went through a period of six months that were just amazingly healthy. I was in another country where I didn't know any of the calorie counts, and I didn't look them up or anything. Gained 30 pounds in 6 months. It was really good, health-wise. (Of course, I've technically been "recovered" for almost ten years now, so make of that what you will.)
Anyway, while I was there, a guy I knew saw me buying a slice of pizza. And he commented on the fact that I was eating pizza, which is weird, 'cause girls don't eat pizza, they want to stay thin, right? I said something about how I had...erm..."dieted" in the past, but that it's really kinda bullshit that "girls don't eat pizza." My body is my business. And he said "Well, you are...well...bigger...than most girls, but you don't look bad. Just...don't care TOO little. I think you look good how you are, but gaining any more...I wouldn't really like that."
True story. Oh yeah, and I wasn't even dating this guy. And he's going on about how HE thinks my body should look. I flat-out told him that I don't give a shit what he thinks about my body. But I did give a shit. Even though I'm not attracted to him, the fact that he referred to me as "bigger than most girls" bothered me. A lot.
Oh, Melissa.... what an insensitive guy you had to come across!!!! Anyone - whether they had had an ED or not - would be offended by that comment.
One time in high school, before I had an ED, and I was naturally a size 4, a guy said to me "you look like you're a girl who eats." I didn't have an ED, but I remember that comment to this day....10 years later. It really bothered me.
Comments like that doctor drive me insane.
I've never felt sick enough - crazy ED thoughts, but always manage to stop before I go to a dangerously unhealthy weight. Technically I've never had a BMI under 18, so I constantly think: I'm not really sick. On a downhill spiral now, but at the moment all I am getting are positive comments, which just fuel me into thinking 'see how fat you were ... you must have been fat or else no-one would be commenting that you've lost weight'.
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