Logically, I know my weight hasn't been higher this week, according to the scale (I have done less than stellar w/the less frequent weighings that I promised C at my last session). Eating and exercise have been same ole same ole. Well, even less eating yesterday. And today.
But I am leaving for a big trip at the end of the week and *know* that I need my body to be strong for it, so I'm also frustrated and resentful that I really don't have the option of cutting back much right now. The last thing I need to do before going to stay in primitive tropical conditions is to weaken my muscles, immune system, etc.
Methinks I need to talk to C. about how being more physical with Match may be making me more self-conscious about my body. I don't think that is the reason I've had a rough time with body image this week, but it is an area that can be affected when I'm already struggling.
6 comments:
ugh, i feel your pain. for me, sleeping is the worst, because i perceive more layers and softness. this, of course leads to a less than ideal nighttime.
i wish could offer advice to feel better. i just keep thinking, this will get easier....cause it has to!
Hey Cammy,
I feel for you. I have so much empathy for "body blahs," as you put it. It really can be such an overpowering, all-encompassing, paralyzing, self-esteem-crushing feeling. And to know that you can't just fix that by restricting, puts you in, what fees like, a lose-lose situation. I think a lot of recover FEELS like a lose-lose situation lots of times (choosing to eat as you should but feel badly about your body and LOSE feeling peace that comes from feeling okay with your body vs. choosing to restrict and feel better about yourself/your body and LOSE recovery).
I'm sorry you're in this lose-lose situation right now. It really is a painful, deeply painful, place to be. Maybe it'll give you some peace of mind to know that this feeling is a necessary part of recovery? It's a good sign that your'e feeling this way because it means you're moving forward in recovery (i.e., getting full control of your life back). You could just toss it all out the window, decide you're not going to care about being strong for your trip, and restrict to feel less anxiety.... BUT YOU'RE NOT DOING THAT AND THAT'S AWESOME!!!! You are turning a leaf. The new Cammy doesn't do that; the new Cammy feels like shit as she moves forward. Sounds pretty awful, but, if you really look at it, it's a good thing.
I'm glad you logically know your weight hasn't changed, your eating hasn't gone up, etc. Just stick to that logic. You KNOW, intellectually, that you are not turning into a lipid-filled balloon. So, when the part of your brain that tells you you're fat wants some air time... you just tell that little neuron that you don't feel like listening. And go listen to the neuron that says "logically, I know you're not fat."
Be kind to yourself in your head and in your actions.
Take care!
I total get it. And your doing the right thing with not weighing in with eating to make yourself ready. That's the best thing. Just think of it as preparing yourself because you will loose when you are away. This is what normal people -non ED types- would do.
Don't worry about Match, he likes you for you not for what you look like. Sure that's a part of it at first but once you get to know someone you see them as them not as a wow she gained 5 lbs. Guys may be shallow but if he's still with you he's not that shallow.
Have a great time on your trip!
body image woes are the worst! I am struggling alot with that too right now. It seems like I get so far in my recovery and then get freaked out by my body.
You are right, it would be a good idea for you to stay healthy for your trip. Sounds like a good motivator!
hmmm. Have you ever thought that maybe this "gut" hanging over the belt might be what an attractive stomach is like to most people? You never answered my last question about whether or not you think you look ideal right now, or if it's that you know you do not look healthy but just cannot deal with change itself. If it is the latter, you must also know logically that your stomach is still very thin, right? What does Match say about your body?
The feelings associated with your bio father's appearance must be awful. But you are you. Screw him. You have a right to an adorable, healthy body. xoxo
CG: I didn't mean to ignore your last question, sorry about that. That is a hard one to answer, it seems to vary day to day. Sometimes I can see that I'm thin. I never see myself as being generally fat, but I do get hung about about specifics such as my belly, my face, etc. Sometimes I feel like I am just a stomach on legs. I know, logically, that I am much healthier at this weight. Some days I feel fine, like I said in the post, this is just my body and feels normal. And then occasionally I have days when I find it nearly intolerable. Also, this may be TMI but I still haven't started menstruating yet, so my weight gain has been somewhat distributed but not to the degree that I would like (ie too much belly not enough boob, at least in my view).
As for Match, he is great. He knows enough about EDs to avoid making too many comments about my body (for example, he'll complement my eyes or something like that instead). But an interesting thing happened last week: I was superanxious all day because I felt like my favorite jeans were becoming too snug. Then, out of the blue he told me he thought the jeans looked great on me, even though 1) I hadn't mentioned to him that I was anxious about them, and 2) he has never commented on clothing before. So that gave me a lot to think about.
Ok I hope that answers your question, if I didn't address precisely what you wanted to know just let me know!
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