On Brothers

Littlebro called me this morning to tell me about a book he just finished reading, and afterward I did some thinking about my relationship with my brothers. Just a couple of years ago, it probably wouldn't have occured to him to call me if his legs were on fire and I possessed the last jug of water on the planet. When I was 13 I started the ED dance, and essentially checked out of their lives. Before we had been like any siblings, involved in equal parts bickering and playing, conspiring against each other at times and being ultra-allies at others.

There have always been some underlying issues in my thinking about siblings. My mom and biological dad divorced when I was 2, my mom remarried when I was 4. I had a brand new dad (one that did not get drunk, did not hit people, did not kill family pets), and had this ideal image of a family with two parents and several siblings. When Brother actually arrived, I had major anxiety that all of the sudden my dad would lose all interest in me, now that he had a "real" child of his own. Of course, that didn't happen, and I fell just as in love with Brother as the rest of the family, while my position as Daddy's Girl was never threatened.

For pretty much all of my teenage years, though, I lived isolated from the family, both physically (I was the stereotypical teenager that was locked in her room virtually all the time) and emotionally/mentally. Then I moved out of the house to start college, and had pretty much zero relationship or contact with my brothers outside of mandatory visits home for holidays.

Over the 12-18 months, though, that has changed significantly. Part of it is probably due to the fact that the boys are growing up (Brother is 16, Littlebro is 13) and are a little easier to relate to as fellow human beings. But I have made an effort to reach out and make myself available to them to a much larger extent than I ever would have while I was still so incredibly entrenched in anorexia.

I was not really entitled to any reciprocation from them. I wouldn't blame them for writing me off just as easily as I wrote them off for so many years. But that hasn't been the case at all, and I am gradually developing genuinely close relationships with each of them. It is much more rewarding than I ever would have imagined. They impress and inspire me on a daily basis, and it gives me a major confidence boost when they come to me for girl advice, school advice, or parent advice; to vent, to share a joke or website, to ask a science question, or for any other reason, whether it be something profound or completely arbitrary. They have also been supportive in ways I never would have expected and never will deserve.

In a nutshell, so far one of my favorite benefits from recovery is rebuilding my connection with my brothers. I seem to have stepped out of myself just in time to watch my boys develop into amazing young men, and I never would have forgiven myself if I had completely missed out on that.