Believe you me, violent stomach viruses greatly compound the burden of being a compulsive exerciser.
My system is pretty much back on track now, but it has been a looong couple of days. As I have mentioned before, H. likes for me to keep a running list of ideas about what I envision "recovered" life will be like. I have a new addition: recovery means allowing yourself to miss a workout (hell, maybe even take a whole day off!) when your digestive system is involuntarily turning itself inside out. I guess you get the picture, not much more to say about that.
I intended to have a post-vacation analysis up on Monday, but have been too busy being sick. I have several topics to think/blog about as a result of the trip. In a nutshell, food was okish. I got in moderate exercise but still far less than I would have at home, and did not go crazy. I did cut back on food, but nowhere near as severely as I would have in the past. I had a fantastic time catching up with my high school friends. I am all about making new friends everywhere I go, but there truly is nothing like an old friend to just make the world feel golden.
I also actually got to take a break from being the most dysfunctional one from the family, and that was a breath of fresh air in many ways (not to imply I was pleased that someone was having problems!).
One thing that was obvious, though, is that even after years of seeing it, many times talking about it, and even going to a session with H., my mom really doesn't "get" the ED thing. I've pretty much given up on making her understand the struggles, just trying to stay open with her and deal with it as best I can. I have no doubt that she loves me and wants the best for me, but it is frustrating to feel like such a freak in a glass case when certain issues come up. She still cannot seem to grasp how hard it is for me to eat when I feel as if I'm under the microscope (especially around my grandmother) and when my meal plan calls for way more food than other people are consuming. I am open with her about the fact that I usually eat a max of half my mealplan when I'm with the family, and she always just seems to brush that off.
I can't help thinking that she doesn't take the eating/image issues seriously because I don't look so sick anymore. Do I really have to push myself all the way to the physical edge for people to believe that I am hurting?
And yet despite the fact that she seems just as clueless about ED issues as ever, I am worried about her. (Please don't judge my interpretation of the situation entirely from the brief version presented here, more in-depth discussion will be made into another post). She has really started taking her running seriously, and I thought she looked significantly thinner than when I last saw her, around 8 weeks ago. She also ate like a tuberculosis-ridden bird on the first day of the visit, which was both triggering and distressing for me. I was honest with her about my concern, but she blew me off, told me she has actually gained weight since starting running. She did eat more freely after that, but I suspect it was just for my benefit, and wasn't all that confident that she wouldn't make up for it when she got home.
Granted, she is dealing with an immense amount of stress. My dad is preparing to go to Afghanistan, she's planning to quit her job to start law school in the fall, and my brothers are having mega-issues (to be discussed in a forthcoming post). I don't know. Have I mentioned that I hate the hell out of food and weight issues?
9 comments:
[hugs] it sounds like you made some positive steps, even if they didn't meet your high standards. You're a rock star.
"Do I really have to push myself all the way to the physical edge for people to believe that I am hurting?"
Oh, Cammy. This question and its implications may be one of the hardest parts (for me) about recovery. Being visibly sick felt like the only way for those around me to pay any damned attention to how I felt. Looking "normal enough" then brings a challenge. How to solve an old problem without the old tool? How to avoid the old tool when you know that it solves fewer problems than it creates?
Sounds like parts of your trip went well. I am really glad you were able to scale back your exercise even slightly, though being sick is not a fun addition.
As for your mom, curious, has she ever talked to H.? I can't remember if you said she had or not. I only mention this just because I think third party people can sometimes get through to our loved ones better than we can about our struggles.
I understand the whole thinking of being visibly ill in order for people to "get" it. But you know what, that is not worth it at all. I've learned that some people will never truly get it or be able to "see" it, just like the fact we rarely can see our physical selves.
As for your mom and running, that can be such a touchy issue. It's hard to say for sure unless you are physically there to see. All you can say is that you are concerned about her.
Hi Cammy, thanks for the post. I too feel like I don't look sick enough. Unfortunatly my father thinks it too and doesn't understand why they think I need to eat more 1200 calories a day is fine. Maybe even less. Talk about fueling an eating disorder. I sometimes feel like I'll have to stop eating long enough to pass out to make him realize that I'm not faking something. I've gotten to love the headaches from not eating enough durring the day and lie to the therapist and diatician about how much I eat. And I can say that here because I'm Anonymous. It's good to vent sometimes, I think three month's of therapy I should be better by now.
Amy: Thanks for the encouragement and the reminder to focus on victories as well as struggles. =)
T.S.T.: Very good point, it's so easy to fall back into the comfort of default coping methods, as if an old pain is better than a new unknown. I think overcoming that fallacy is one of the key points in recovery.
Tiptoe: Actually I didn't let myself take any slack while being sick, that was what I was trying to explain without saying it out right, I guess. My mom came to one session with H. back in April, and although it went well, H. definitely saw how she glosses over things while still seeing herself as being supportive. H. said my mom focuses on positives because she doesn't know how to discuss/deal with struggles, preferring to go on "business as usual", possibly because she grew up in an alcoholic household as well.
Anonymous: Don't put yourself down for still feeling conflicted after 3 months of therapy. I have been seeing H. for...20 months! And still have quite a bit of work to do. She told me she typically sees ED patients for an average of 2 years, although some people need more time and some less. So, don't get discouraged, just focus on tackling one day at a time. Just out of curiosity, do you live with your parents? I have wonderful, supportive parents, but I made much progress with my eating once I moved out on my own.
Cammy, 2 years?! No wonder when I asked her how long this would take she didn't tell me. No I don't live with my parents anymore but I still see them all the time,but with my dad's eating disorder (restricting type) and my mom's (bingeing) I'm in a full blown war when I see them. I do feel better after commenting, I just finished my 10:00 snack grain and dairy and don't feel like purging. Thanks for blog it's nice knowing that other's out there seem to be going through this too, not in a mean way but, well it's just nice not to be so alone anymore. The eating disorder loves it when I isolate myself.
Your mom reminds me of my mom in terms of how she "doesn't get it." My mom recently told me "I think you know what good nutrition is. Are you done seeing a nutritionist yet?" Um, yes, mom, I do know what good nutrition is and I generally eat well BECAUSE I FOLLOW A FREAKING MEAL PLAN. HELLO! THIS IS ME FOLLOWING ORDERS HERE.
It can be super stressful to suspect that your mom has issues with exercise/food. I started to suspect the same thing in my mom earlier this year. I also mentioned it to her. She also blew it off. She also started to all of the sudden eat more freely. For my mom, it was stress-induced. My dad changed jobs, my family was moving, she was unhappy, she knew my dad was unhappy, etc. etc. After life settled down, her eating returned to normal. I hope the same happens for your mom.
Anon - I've been seeing a therapist for a year and a nutritionist for a little over two years. Be patient.
Also, I think your addition to what "recovered" will be like is very true!
oh man...poor Cammy, I def feel your pain. But can you see how utterly SICK ED is? Why do you have to "prove" to anyone that you are sick? ED is nothing to boast about!
Good for you for realizing another step you need to take in recovery. I had exercise-anxiety too, and still somewhat struggle with it.
Oh boy, that sounds entirely too stressful for this chick. I hope you are continuing to press forward despite others' actions; it's really the only way to deal with it.
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