Fact: This is the most weight I have lost in one continual slip since Christmas break.
Fact: I. feel. crappy. All the time.
Fact: I am losing according to the scale, but I absolutely cannot tell from the mirror, and actually have increasing anxiety over the alarming size of my gut.
Fact: All of this is starting to affect my productivity and focus, something I cannot afford when I start grad school next month.
Fact: This is really not any fun. How have I let myself live like this for so many years?
Fact: I have only 3 sessions left with H., so it is a rather inconvenient time to start a new slip.
Fact: I know this game well enough to recognize the red flags.
Fact: It just doesn't seem fair that the times we are weakest are when we most need the strength to pull ourselves up and out.
Fact: I have enough on the line right now to push me back in the right direction, resolving to start that today.
Fact: It still disheartens me that I can work so long and so hard, yet still revert back to illogical, destructive patterns at the drop of a hat.
Fact: I feel like I get more and more jaded every time I repeat this cycle.
10 comments:
Fact: I know EXACTLY how you feel, and you are not alone.
Fact: You can get yourself back to good.
I get so mad about how anorexia can just sneak in. At one time, I thought that as long as I knew the signs, I could stop it. But, the truth is that sometimes it just sneaks in. It's a sly one. It takes a lot of courage to admit what you've admitted. I think that kills a little bit of the anorexia because keeping in the truth leads to shame, and more restricting. All I can say is keep writing, and reach out for the help you need. Nobody thinks any less of you!
"Fact: I have only 3 sessions left with H., so it is a rather inconvenient time to start a new slip."
Do you think your "slip" may be partially attributed to the knowledge that you only have three sessions left? I've been fully recovered now for about eight years, but during my recovery, the biggest backslide I had was in the months before I left for grad school. Change wasn't my forte (strike that...still isn't my forte :-p ), so the knowledge that I was moving to a new city to embark on an intense doctorate program AND was stopping seeing my therapist when I needed her most sent me into a tailspin. My relapse didn't end until my therapist suggested continuing our sessions via phone. Until that point, I hadn't really realized how scared I was about ending therapy with her. Technically, conducting therapy by phone across state lines is discouraged by the APA, but we said screw the APA guidelines and continued therapy for several years until I was ready to be on my own.
Just a thought...
*Elizabeth
By the way, I love reading your blog. This is the first time I have commented, but I've been a long time "stalker." You remind me a lot of myself ...and your recovery is taking a similar path to mine. Oddly enough, I got a tattoo as well (a small heart with an "I" in it on the inside of my wrist - the "I" stands for "Intuition" ...the book "Intuitive Eating" played a big role in my recovery) - the tattoo was truly the turning point in my recovery.
I can relate. I feel like I'm slipping and I know it. Anorexia is so opportunistic and manages to catch us at our worst possible moments. I hate this disease.
Have you found someone to take H's place? That should definitely be something to consider. I agree with Elizabeth: the slip may have been triggered by the stress of not seeing H again.
I'm happy that you have a good incentive to get back in the right direction.
Fact: You can get through this.
Fact: Even though you're slipping your post shows that you are aware of the problems and don't want to keep getting worse. This shows amazing strength and determination.
Fact: Your blog is amazing and it gives me inspiration when I am struggling with recovery.
I can really relate to what you said on your last post, about needing to be on the edge physically for people to understand that you are hurting. Since I have restored weight I feel invisible.
I hope you can find a good therapist who specialises in EDs when you move. That's next month, right? I am kind of in the same boat.
It sounds like you are pretty motivated to turn this slip around, considering what a crucial time it is in your life. It seems like ED always gets worse when it is least convenient! I wish you luck (almost wrote "i wish you lick" he he). You can do it!
Fact: we are always stronger than we think we are.
[hugs]
Cammy,
I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I think change and transition are some of the most opportunistic times for ED to come kicking around again.
Though you have knowns and certainties in your life, you also have a lot of unknowns, and that can be very scary and overwhelming.
I hope you address some of these issues with H. and how you feel about ending therapy with her unless you decide to go the phone route.
I really want and hope that you can start off on a good foot next month. You can get through this. A slip is only a slip and does not have to turn into anything more than that.
I agree with everyone else but I will not phrase this in terms of "fact." "Fact."
Rather, I will say that I read this great recover book once (the name of which I simply cannot remember! curses!) which said that there is a difference between a slip, lapse, and collapse. Slips and lapses can be turned around if you recognize what you've done and take immediate steps (as in THAT DAY) to change them.
Collapses (when you full-fledged run into the arms of your eating disorder, choosing to ignore what's happening and what you could do to change it) are hard to turn around.
I guess I would encourage you to make this a slip/lapse. YOU have the power to determine what this is. Today is a Sunday so you can't see your dietician or therapist. But you CAN eat your MP. All of it. You KNOW you can do it, you know that every day you don't gets you further away from your very awesome goal of being fully present in grad school. Just do it.
Tomorrow morning, first thing, call your dietitian, call H and make a contingency plan to get yourself back on track. Heck, blame it on the stomach problems you had last week if you want. Just tell them you're off track and pissed, and that it's imperative that they help you get back on track and give you some accountability. This is not a failure-- this is you taking charge of your recovery. They value you, they want you to succeed, and I bet they will help you.
Email me if you need a texting buddy to get you through this!
I am sorry you have such a hard time! Recovery is such a slippery way and these little red flags are terrible and at the same time they feel like going home. I hate it.
But your insight is great and you have much much better way infront of you than THAT ONE.
You can do this, you can get yourself back on the right track.
Fact: Even things that limits us have their limits, small hours and weaknesses. Do you know any?
I mentioned it in an earlier comment, but I'd like to reaffirm what Elizabeth suggests about the possibility of ongoing phone therapy sessions with H. This sounds like a very difficult time for you to establish a new relationship with a therapist.
Cammy, your keen self-awareness will serve you well if you use it as a starting point for needed changes. It sounds as though you are doing just that. Much love!
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