So, yesterday I laid out the basic facts of my recent slippage, and the incredible support and insight I recieved has led me to do a little more in-depth thinking about the situation. I spend so much of my day "just doing it," not giving myself the option of contemplation when it comes to ED behaviors. So, the Slip SitRep:
-I had a stomach virus last week, which was miserable but also allowed me to achieve that feeling of ethereal emptiness, feeling powerful for being so weak and still persisting, if that makes any sense at all. Major trigger. I wrote a research paper once about how periods of fasting or other involuntary calorie deficits can trigger endorphins and other biochemical processes that lead to restricting in people predisposed to EDs, and I know I am definitely susceptible to this.
-I have had a lot of upheavals/changes in my life over the past few months, and am anticipating more. Last month I went through an extremely "down" period, where I was depressed and overwhelmed. I managed to pull out of that after a while, but part of me wonders if slipping back into ED behaviors is what "helped" me to decrease my anxiety about other things.
-I am starting graduate school next month, and while I know that I was recruited for my brain, I still feel this urge to be the "whole package": not only intellectual, but trim and attractive and witty and sophisticated and fun. And on most days, I feel like I will never be ANY of those, but that weight is the one that is most easily manipulated. Thus, another way to use the ED as an outlet for anxiety.
-I am stressed out over mi madre's exercise and food stuff, and the fact that although she still seems pretty clueless about many intricacies of my ED, I also worry that her relationship to food and body is digressing into the unhealthy zone. Maybe I am just being paranoid? Probably a little of both? Thinking of her losing weight doesn't make me want to start losing also, don't get me wrong, but it does contribute to the overal cloud of stress.
-Even though I have lost weight over the past few weeks, I am still not as thin as I have been for most of my adult life, prior to starting therapy with H. This makes it hard for me to take "slips" seriously sometimes.
-Since my weight is not as low as it once was, I have noticed that I do bounce back much faster than I used to. Yesterday I resolved to do better, and ate very well, and even after one day I can tell a difference in my energy and mood stability.
-I think meat might be an issue related to the previous point. Over the past month or two I have drastically, drastically cut my meat consumption. This honestly was not by conscious decision, actually, it just happened as a correlate to the other changes I was making in my eating patterns. I used to eat meat (including fish) about 5x a week, and that declined to about once or twice a week. I know that there are many people that live most of their lives as vegetarians, and I think that's great, but I'm not sure if my system can handle that. I've noticed that I tend to drop weight when I decrease meat, even if calories remain constant, and even though I am good about my nuts, soy, dairy, and other protein sources. Maybe this has to do with the fact that meals containing meat usually have more sodium (at least for me, with the way I cook and construct menus), but I do think it's something more. Seems great, to the ED: eat the same calories and lose weight! But I also tend to feel really, really terrible and low energy when i do that. My exercise is still a huge issue, and working out X hours per day + protein deficiency is not a happy way to be. The meat thing is just a hypothesis that is a much smaller factor than is it would appear considering the proportion of this text that has turned out to be devoted to it. Ihope I am not offending any vegetarian readers.
-Dealing with the T. situation last month was a trigger, partly because of stress and partly because all of the sudden I was very aware of someone else being very aware of my body. Yikes.
-I am going to try the ED center in my new city, to see how that goes, and if it doesn't work out maybe I can ask H. for phone/e-mail support, at least on a trial basis.
-H. wants me to toss the scale (has wanted me to do this since Day 1), but sometimes I wonder if it actually helps me stay in touch with reality. I know this is the "wrong" idea from the POV of most recovery advice, but my body image is still so distorted, I genuinely feel as though my stomach has grown as I've lost weight over the past weeks. It would be so nice to be untethered from numbers, though.
-I truly do want to break out of this box and have a life that is more balanced. I have made much progress, but the ED still influences most of my daily decisions. When I started college, I made major changes that represented a leap forward, and I am trying to look at starting grad school as a similar opportunity to move farther along the path away from disordered life.
I guess that's it for now. This is indeed a ramble, I plan to return to more themed posts soon. Again, endless thanks to the comments and e-mails of support. <3
4 comments:
---I am starting graduate school next month, and while I know that I was recruited for my brain, I still feel this urge to be the "whole package": not only intellectual, but trim and attractive and witty and sophisticated and fun.--
Oh, my goodness, do I hear you on that. Like, this is a terrible thing to say, but "hot" or "beautiful" is not usually the first thing you think of when you think of a writer, yet almost all my grad school peers are ridiculously nice looking, and I'm like, shit, I've got even more stuff to deal with now. (Even though it totally doesn't matter what we look like in the end.)
I hope you are able to sort this out; you seem really perceptive about your entire situation.
Wow, Cammy- that's some hard-core honesty. And I think that type of honesty--looking at the situation clearly, trying to identify what you can and just move forward--will serve you very well in recovery.
I didn't take my current relapse very seriously for a variety of reasons, but in part because "I've been thinner." Well, okay, this is true but my weight was still down from where it needed to be.
You have good motivation in front of you and that has been crucial to keeping me well. You have all the attributes you need to have- the only thing you lack is an ability to see them as I do.
it's interesting to see you still have a scale for similar 'reasons' as me...to prevent myself from slipping too far into the dark side. But do I really use it for that, now? It's what I told myself in the beginning. Not so sure about that anymore.
When, when, when will we finally realize sheer idiocy of the scale?
These are great insights to have, and it's definitely a lot on your plate.
A friend of mine once told me when I was in a very deep, dark depression that it really doesn't have to be this way. And I think this is true. This is a great opportunity for you to step forward, maybe perhaps out of your comfort zone a bit, and challenge yourself. (Ok, I know later I will be eating my words on this) Maybe looking at it as an experiment might be more helpful for you.
Re: the scale. I see your point honestly and understand the distorted body image greatly.
That said, here's a thought. Since you will be trying out the new facility, what about ONLY having them weigh you there. I know you are not for blind weights, so maybe talk with them about this. Like Wrapped said, I think our intentions of the scale as one thing beings to turn into another or loses its real purpose. This is just another challenge really. I know letting go is difficult though. Just think about it.
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