I have zero patience for drama. Zilch.. Kein, senki, nessuno, zaden, noben, ninguno. And yet is has pervaded my life to a suffocating degree over the past two weeks. Please, please forgive me for this digression into relationship talk, I assure this is not the norm for me and you will not be subjected to it often.
So, T. I like him, a lot, quite a bit. He is funny, sweet, hellaciously intelligent, and extremely insightful. But he is moving so fast. He's already using The L Word unabashedly, and is starting to really push for a verdict on whether I want a committed relationship or not. I hate to sound coy, but I honestly don't know. I need more time. And space. To figure it out. Yes, we've known each other for four years, but about three of that has been with only rare communication. We definitely have an intense connection, but I need to figure out what that means.
The boy is suffocating me, though. I do care about him deeply, but I am a pathologically independent person, and I do not like getting (literally) hundreds of text messages per day, no matter how much I like someone. I wasn't kidding when I mentioned that he is like a human G. Unfortunately, I am prefer a more feline style: scratch me in the right place, then leave me alone until I solicite further attention. The fact that I neither need nor want you glued to my hip does not mean I don't love you, and I understand/assume you need your own space as well. This worked very well for years with the boyfriend I had in high school, and not having him constantly panting at my heels made me want him much more, I suspect. So poor T. sees me needing space as pulling away or losing of interest, which it isn't. And stress over that is starting to over-ride my enjoyment of him and distract me from how much I actually like him.
It's hard for me to unentangle whether or not I want a relationship (which, by the way, will have to be over a long distance) with him, and if I don't, whether it's really because I don't or because I still have an emotional fortress around myself. I had a long, long conversation with him last night, and I outright told him that with my current status, if I was in a situation where I had to choose between ED behaviors/urges and him, I would choose the ED. He says he understands, and he will be supportive and patient, but I'm still not sure if he gets the significance of that for our relationship. I think he deserves better, and I'm not sure if this whole thing is worth the stress that it is creating.
Ok, I guess that's most of the venting for now. AARRRRGGGGHHH. Part of me is afraid, I guess, that now that we have resolution about how things ended for us several years ago, and now that I know he is mine for the taking (I don't meant to sound arrogant, but those are the exact words HE used), I don't want him in that way anymore. What if I am just a walking cliche, a person who only wants something when it's out of reach? And what if he is also that cliche, and will lose interest after the "chase" is over? I have no doubt that I care about him, have a unique connection, and will always value his friendship. The other stuff is just a mess.
I can't help wondering how all of this would be different if I were "normal." My weight may have crept up over the past year, but emotionally (and still behaviorally) I am still pretty walled off and have a lot of ground left to cover. I don't think it's responsible for me to be entering a relationship with someone when I know I will still make my disease a higher priority than they are.
7 comments:
All I have to say is trust your intuition. If you feel it's moving too fast, then it's moving too fast. I've done this thing of talking myself out of very real fears by saying, "But, I'm just afraid. It's my anorexia talking. I don't want to get close, etc, etc." It IS confusing when we've spent so many years not listening to ourselves. BUT, if you are getting a gut reaction and feeling like you need space, trust that for now. If he really cares about having a relationship with you, he'll be patient. You deserve all the time you need to figure out what you want and what works for you, ya know? There's just no point to rushing into something that causes you anxiety. I realize I'm a little biased based on my personal experiences, but I just want to make sure you are doing what YOU want. And, as a sidenote, I have to say that it's so exciting that you have someone who adores you so much :) You deserve only the best!
hey, i'm not a frequent commenter, but i had to comment on this since i've been doing a lot of thinking about the correlation between anorexia and sexuality and read just this morning in one of my many books on the subject how suppressive of sexual urges/desires eating disorders are. hello, my life. so i think it's totally understandable that you are at this place with this dude and i will say that i HATE being suffocated. however, i just have to question why you are so willing to give in to this destructive line of thinking. i do it, too, don't get me wrong. but i think admitting that the ED is more important than relationship & love with a live human being is the first step. it doesn't mean accepting that and just living with it. it means admitting it so we can move on (in my case, ask God to remove the defect of character). i think it's great to be honest that that's where you are right now, and i may be reading you wrong, but it seems like you are resigned to it and almost defensive of it, like this is the way you will always be. that's letting ED win, and that means forfeiting real life.
i totally don't mean to be harsh or judgmental but i wanted to kind of call out what i saw. let me know if this is way off.
wow, I'm so glad I'm not dating anymore. I totally sucked at it and so I'm not sure I have any useful advice for you. i do thinks it's pretty positive, though, that you are able to be up front with him about your priorities and where you are at.
I agree with Kim- if you need space, you need space. The "why" is less important than the "what." I had a guy interested in me in high school (a relationship I never pursued because of anxiety/depression issues), and he called constantly, always wanting to talk, even after he had just seen me. And I felt like a bitch, wanting to scream "Go away! I can't miss you if you're ALWAYS AROUND!" It was no less true.
It's not like you have to banish T to Siberia just because you don't want a romantic relationship right now. You can still be friends. Do you see H next week? She might be able to help you start setting some boundaries and sorting through these thoughts.
Good luck!
Thanks for the feedback, and for not thinking I'm an adolescent dweeb.
I hope I didn't come off as defensive of the ED, I hope not, I am always scared to death I will say something triggering on here. I don't want to resign myself to it, but I am trying to be as upfront as possible with him (and myself) about the current state of things in my head. It's funny, because I've always actually been relatively comfortable with my sexuality throughout the ED, emotions scare me much more. But, sexuality does involve someone being very aware of my body, which does make me much more conscious myself, which is usually not a good thing.
Carrie, you took the words out of my mouth with the "I can't miss you if you're always here!" Amen! I guess I have been single so long now that the sudden inundation of communication is as much a shock to my system as the sentiments carried therein.
Egh. Kim said it all. TRUST YOUR GUT. I cannot emphasize this enough.
Cammy, I think your feelings of frustration is what any girl would be feeling. Nobody likes that kind of constant attention, except well, weird people. Everyone deserves their own personal space and the time to think it through in their own time to discover their inner thoughts and emotions. I'm not experienced in relationships, but I definitely know that guy is just a tad bit too much...it'll make any girl go crazy!
I agree with Kim's comment. Choose what is best for YOU, and you deserve all the time to think it through. If that guy really loves you as he says and if he truly believes you, he would have the patience to wait and the ability to understand.
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