Anyway, lots of challenges to food routines and daily schedules. I think I am doing fair with that so far. I have definitely had to loosen up on the routines, and I am actually making progress with being less rigid about missing a workout. I still do my best to make it up, but it does not consume my thoughts, and I'm more likely to let 10 minutes slide here or there. I am not trying to use Match as a crutch, but I can't deny that it is a hell of a lot easier to spend the evening on the couch with him than it would be to try and keep myself still and non-exercising if I were alone.
I may have mentioned that Match is a psych major. I did tell him that I am "in the process of recovering from AN," and we kind of left the issue alone for quite a while. Now we are getting to the stage where we're starting to share deeper things with each other, though, and he seems to be very interested in the "story" of my ED (how it developed, etc). He said he had not learned much about thesubject in his psych classes, but did do quite a bit of research after he learned that I have dealt/am dealing with it.
I trust him, and I know he cares about me, but I still feel a little weird telling him about what a dark and pathetic history I have when it comes to this. I guess I still carry a good deal of shame, for what I have put my family and even myself through. I made it clear to him that I do NOT expect any kind of help or built-in therapy from our relationship, the fact that he wants to be a therapist and I am currently in therapy is just an ironic coincidence. He said he understands that, and just wants to be supportive however he can.
Ok, there isn't much of a point to all of that, except that the background information is much easier to organize in my head than my actual feelings about it. Now that we are getting to know one another well and fill in info about our histories, leaving out the ED factors does tend to leave gaping holes and missing links in many of the details about my life for the past 10 years.
I often wonder what he wonders. He hasn't shied away from inviting me out to eat, and most of the time I go along with that relatively well. I still have some hang-ups about eating out, but it is entirely based on control over the prep of my food, not about eating in public.
I guess I will just take a stepwise approach, not dumping everything on him but giving him more basic facts and filling him in as it seems appropriate. I think there is a line between opening up information and completely pouring everything out. Advice from anyone that has been in this situation?
6 comments:
That's good that you don't have time to blog, it's called LIFE. I'm so jelous you have one.
I know what you mean about the "missing time". I look back and it's like 10 years were lost to that?. And now how much longer till it's really gone.
You give me hope!
I've been in this situation with Larry and with guys I dated before him. I remember being very tormented about what to say and when to say it. I preferred to just be very blase and casual when I did tell Larry. I wanted to make it seem like "no big deal." It was only over time that I started divulging more. Now, I can tell him about any freak out going on in my head. That took a couple years though. In the beginning, I gave him the overview of my disorder -- when it started, my stint in treatment, a few thoughts I have on anorexia and why I developed it. I left it at that. Guys can be a little simple about these kinds of things, and I'm sure Larry didn't overthink it or judge me or see me differently. It seems like Match wants to get to know you, genuinely and fully. That's very sweet. I would give him bits of information until you start to feel more comfortable. I don't think there's a "right" way to do it. It'll come naturally as you trust each other more. Relationships are scary because of all the letting go and truth-telling, but you will both be stronger for it. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to sharing things, but then I realized that it reduced a lot of my shame and made me feel closer to Larry. At this point, you may even want to start by telling Match that you're not sure what to share and that you're worried he'll think _____ (insert your worries there). That can start the conversation :) Don't worry too much though! Enjoy things!
You are not using him as a crutch; you are living life. Life is watching movies on the couch with a boy you like. Overexercising alone is not really life (it's rather a state of death.) I don't know if I'm articulating this well at all, but I guess I feel pretty passionately that any time you are choosing to engage with another human being instead of isolating in your disorder, you're not using that person as a crutch; you're making a courageous choice to live life more fully. It shows strength, not weakness, and it's definitely not using them. We ALL need people to remind us of what's really important, and to participate in it with us. That's all that you're doing, so never feel bad about it. If he helps you, it's because you're letting him in. It's good.
I have some experience w/ dating and EDs, since D and I started dating when I was at a subclinical level of my ED and then continued to date as I fell into the worst of it and slowly (painfully) crawled my way out. I really need to just do my own post on this though b/c I get questions about it a lot. Hmm. Will try to get to this this week. I have much more to say than just a comment can hold. It can be done though.
Either way, I'm proud of you and excited for you :)
Okay, Miss Cammy, you've just gone and given me goosebumps!
My psychiatrist told me that he knew his patients were doing better when life started getting in the way of their eating disorder. And I am so glad you have such wonderful, mundane things to get in the way of your old habits.
Match is a lucky guy.
Good to see things are movin' on up. I second what Carrie said, but my knowledge comes from memoirs. I figure if it works for other people, why not the rest of us? [happy hugs]
Hey Cammy,
So glad to hear that you are opening up, relaxing, and lving life. I think this is such an important part of recovery for you or anyone else. It will always be hrd but it gets easier.
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