Rewards

I took a road trip this weekend to attend a family get-together with my grandparents and various aunts/uncles/cousins (same location as this trip back in August). G. got to go, and the weather was absolutely gorgeous. That part of the country really feels like home to me, everything from the landscape to the local social customs, so I was looking forward to it. Also, I've been working on doing better with my eating lately, so although I've actually lost weight since that trip back in August, my energy has been improving and I felt much more stable, both physically and emotionally.

Accomplishments:

-Sitting up until way too late having beer and discussing the world with my cousin.

-Allowing myself a snack that was always my standard for road trips as a kid, but that I haven't had in a while.

-Not overcompensating for missed exercise sessions.

-Having extra energy to help my grandparents out. We went to an event on Saturday that was mostly outside, with performers underneath big tents. There was one that my grandmother really had her heart set on, but she moves very slowly and by the time we got there every.single.seat. in sight was taken. I roamed around, up and down, for about 10 minutes, and there was not a chair to be had. So I ran down to the next tent, two blocks over, grabbed three chairs for us, hauled them back, and wheedled my way up front to plant them in the very first row, so that my grandfather could hear and my grandmother could see (their senses, or lackthereof, are complementary at least). All they could talk about for the rest of the day was how happy they were to see me barging down the street with those chairs in tow, and it was probably the best I have felt about myself in a very, very long time. There are not many times when I actually feel proud of myself, you know. I can think of almost no examples. My grandparents and I are extremely close, and lately they have started looking older and older every time I see them. They helped to raise me, after my mom and I had to run away from my biological father, and I always knew they would do anything and everything they could for me. Now the roles are reversed, and I have to say that being able to take care of them, and to have the energy to put forth when they need something, makes me very, very proud.

I have attended this event with them almost every year since I was a kid, and I can remember so many times, starting in middle school, when it took every scrap of energy and willpower that I had just to make it through the day without collapsing. All I could do was muddle through the day in a hypoglycemic haze, mostly tuned out to the performers because my mind was alternating between calculating calories and counting minutes until I could get back into the car for a rest. This weekend was such a refreshing contrast, it really gave me a lot to think about and was a motivation-booster for staying on track and not letting myself slip back into such a disconnected, miserable state.

I tend to stress over quantitative things, even in recovery: grams, pounds, calories, BMI, minutes of exercise, etc. This weekend was a reminder that although the metrics may be a means to an end, the end in itself has got to be about regaining the qualitative things that make it all worthwhile.