Observations, musings, and general ramblings on the path towards recovery from anorexia.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Unfortunate Equation
Undercutting calories + anxiety + barista that failed to decaf my venti Americano = heart palps + insomnia = long night ahead
At least caffeine highs do tend to lift my mood a little (better living through chemistry), which creates an interesting hybrid feeling of crappy + cheerful.
Hey, Cammy! Can you eat a little more? This could potentially come out sounding harsh - I only mean it with love -- but I wanted to share somethign with you that helped me turn my behaviors around. One day, I realized that if I don't want to be eating disordered, I can't do eating disordered things. Like, I can't just theorize and process and philosophize and think about goals...... bottom line: there is no choice... if you don't want to have an eating disorder, you can do eating disordered things. (I know it's easier said than done... but it's not supposed to be easy...so, it's SUUUPER HARD (I really do appreciate and understand how hard it is) and it FEELS SOOOO WRONG,... but your only option is to curb your disordered behaviors. That means you can't cut calories. It will feel awful to not cut calories, but you can't. So... try to settle for feeling awful but doing the "less disordered" thing. It's what you ahve to do. I hope adn wish and hope and wish that you will find the ability to give your body a break and eat a little more while at this conference.
You wrote a post waaaaay back about how you used to peek under your shirt at night, watching your heart beat irregularly and just praying that the muscle would keep beating through the night. Remember that? You don't want to return to those stress filled nights. You want to get FAR away from those. The only way to get far away from those, is to eat more.
I hope this isn't coming out as "just eat," because - I get it - it's not that easy. People have screamed in my face "just eat," and I thought, "I just can't!" But you know what? You can... you can... you can.....
5 comments:
Oooh Cammy is all juiced up and ready to go!!!
I hope the night isn't too long and you do get the positive mood effects.
*hugs*
Oh my gosh, I can't go anywhere near caffeine. I feel like I'm on speed. I hope you got some rest!
Oh hun, but why are you cutting calories?? You've admitted that you're underweight and that you know it's unattractive, right? Use your strength!!
Hey, Cammy! Can you eat a little more? This could potentially come out sounding harsh - I only mean it with love -- but I wanted to share somethign with you that helped me turn my behaviors around. One day, I realized that if I don't want to be eating disordered, I can't do eating disordered things. Like, I can't just theorize and process and philosophize and think about goals...... bottom line: there is no choice... if you don't want to have an eating disorder, you can do eating disordered things. (I know it's easier said than done... but it's not supposed to be easy...so, it's SUUUPER HARD (I really do appreciate and understand how hard it is) and it FEELS SOOOO WRONG,... but your only option is to curb your disordered behaviors. That means you can't cut calories. It will feel awful to not cut calories, but you can't. So... try to settle for feeling awful but doing the "less disordered" thing. It's what you ahve to do. I hope adn wish and hope and wish that you will find the ability to give your body a break and eat a little more while at this conference.
You wrote a post waaaaay back about how you used to peek under your shirt at night, watching your heart beat irregularly and just praying that the muscle would keep beating through the night. Remember that? You don't want to return to those stress filled nights. You want to get FAR away from those. The only way to get far away from those, is to eat more.
I hope this isn't coming out as "just eat," because - I get it - it's not that easy. People have screamed in my face "just eat," and I thought, "I just can't!" But you know what? You can... you can... you can.....
Hope today was better.
xoxo,
Laura
hi cammy, I'm pulling for you! now's comment is a really good one. cg
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