I was so incredibly uncomfortable and distracted all day, because I had guilt over just sitting on my ass in the seminar sessions for hours and hours.
Normally I have minimal trouble getting in exercise when I travel, because I find somewhere to walk, hit the fitness room, and do stuff in my own room. Here, it is too cold and in not quite a nice part of downtown (I'm not staying at the conference center, to 'spensive) to walk outside. Fitness room is a joke, the only functional equipment is a treadmill so shaky I'm afraid to put it over 4 mph. And I have a roommate, so no-go on the room workouts. Had lunch with a friend from my old town today (she is also here for the conference), and eating with people that know about my ED makes me feel really under the microscope.
I know I cut enough cals today to compensate, but I still feel disgusting. I actually had time to go down and do a session on the shaky treadmill, but physically didn't feel up to it because eating has been limited. So since I skipped that, I feel even grosser, even though I know it's not logical. This anxiety is making me wish I had just stayed home. This has cost me a ton of money, and almost a week of productivity at a hectic time of semester, and all I'm doing is worrying about my weight. I could have done that at home.
My prof wants updates, and I'm good at being upbeat and playing up the positive aspects of everything in public, while internally I am just so frustrated and un-solid.
I have been doing decently at home, but when I am out of my comfort zone it's like I totally freeze, I feel like I fail at every attempt to function like a real person.
Rant, vent, whine, sorry. Trying to soldier on tomorrow, but the schedule is going to consume even more of my time, leaving even less chance for exercise, and I'm already dreading it.
EDIT
And my roommate just came into the hotel room with some guy she picked up, and let him leave his stuff here while they go drinking. I am too old for this.... :s
6 comments:
that sounds like a nightmare. i hate all types of roommate situations.
keep telling yourself its only a week. although perspective is hard when you have a slutty roommate. lol.
Hey hun,
YOu have my sympathies. I do hope it improves in some way, but whine away if it helps and especially if it frees up space in your mind and stuff.
Thinking of you lots *hugs* xoxo
ugh, I have no advice, but I offer you [hugs] and hope that your brain gives you some space to enjoy your time at the conference.
You can take off a few days and still eat. Your body will adjust. Trust your body!
That said I know your missing the endorphen rush from the exercise. That's not good. I hate being on exercise restriction! But you can make it through.
I am not saying this to minimize how you are feeling, but I just want to say that I understand. Last week, I was not able to exercise once outside of 30 minute beginner Pilates DVDs 3 times because of my trip. And you know what? I came home, my pants still fit fine, and I look the exact same to my husband and (honestly) to myself in the mirror. I can't even say I've ballooned, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that it happened.
One week without exercise is just one week without exercise. It's not setting you up for a lifetime of fatness. Keep reminding yourself of this, and the facts that you know your body doesn't actually NEED the exercise. You won't die. You won't gain 50 lbs. You just have a few days off of exercise. It will be okay.
When I've been in situations like these in the past, it has helped to turn that fear and anxiety into power, determination and excitement by thinking that THIS is a chance for progress. Get though this - miserable and all - come home - don't compensate - and you get to say you had some MAJOR progress.
I really do have a lot of empathy for you. I understand how hard and how miserable this can be. The logical, rational part of your brain that knows that your body can handle no exercise, that knows that you are not balooning up (or even gaining any weight at all actually) is correct. People go on vacations all the time, eat more, exercise less. And when they come back, do they look any different to you? Nope! You, Cammy, are just like those other people. You can exercise less, eat more (even though I know you're eating less to compensate for the exercise), and you will look the same.
(hugs). Keep writing. This is hard and you need lots of ears and support during this week.
Sieze this opportunity for progress!
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