Of course this backfires, because starvation is gruesome rather than gorgeous. An ED will put your body through hell, and your looks reflect that. Still, it's amazingly hard to shake the mantra that being thin means being pretty, at whatever cost. Or that gaining weight will automatically make you unattractive, even if the weight was greatly needed for health.
Thus, as I've restored weight, I have had a very hard time, because it's like giving up whatever band-aid I had put on my image insecurity. I'm still trying to figure out ways to remedy this for myself. I know that outfits look cuter when the clothing actually fits you, rather than hanging off. I know that visible veins are not attractive. I know that thinning hair is not too sexy.
But still, when I'm getting ready to meet new people, go on a date, etc etc, I get nervous about how I look and immediately I feel as though I've gained 10 pounds overnight. Or vice versa: if I can tell that I've gained weight, I conclude everything else about me is ugly too. I can't control the shape of my nose or the texture of my hair or anything else, but the weight I can change at will, so that's what I focus on, I suppose.
I think that it's not too uncommon, even for non-eating disordered people, to have absorbed the message that thin = beauty, or is at least a decent substitute. It's funny how we let one serve as a proxy for the other.
In addition, I think it is one of those ideas that we are much quicker to apply yp oursleves than to others around us. I can think of many ads with superthin models that I really do not think have pretty faces, I would never have picked them out on the street as model material. And vice versa, I have seen/met many overweight women that I thought were beautiful. People are people, basically, in all shapes and forms.
In addition, I think it is one of those ideas that we are much quicker to apply yp oursleves than to others around us. I can think of many ads with superthin models that I really do not think have pretty faces, I would never have picked them out on the street as model material. And vice versa, I have seen/met many overweight women that I thought were beautiful. People are people, basically, in all shapes and forms.
Of course, one obvious remedy is to remember that external image is only a small part of who we are. Weighing X or Y does not diminish other talents or attributes. Having Jennifer Aniston's hair will not automatically make you witty, charming, or otherwise successful. There are many other things that count for way more. At least that is what I'm trying to remember when I walk out the door every morning.
I am afraid, reading back over this post, that I've come across as really shallow. Just for the record, it is NOT that I think beauty is of utmost importance. It is really irrelevant to most skills and talents. But feeling good about yourself is undeniably nice also, is my point. Maybe not necessary, but definitely a nice luxury. And the second point is that using ED behaviors to compensate for anxiety about other aspects of appearance--real or imagined--is not a trivial issue. I'm supposed to be identifying "recovery obstacles" as homework for therapy, and this was one that popped into mind. What are your thoughts/experiences with this issue, any specific strategies that have worked for you?
6 comments:
I do not think this sounds shallow at all - it is a definite struggle for many in recovery (at least in my opinion). When I first entered recovery, I did not even realize I put this much emphasis on thin=pretty ... but I did. My therapist had me make a list of 50 things about me that were positive or lovable or good - things like being kind and compassionate and a good listener. It was tough, and because I could not do it myself, she had me ask other people in my life to help me make the list. For some reason, that was a very humbling experience for me - and I learned that people like me for many other reasons than the fact that I am thin.
What I also find strange, is that this concept of thin=pretty, only applies to me. I do not even come close to judging other people the way that I judge myself. It is the whole double standards thing. Those restriction I created in my mind only apply to me - no one else.
On days when I am especially struggling with weight restoration and body image (which has been most days recently), I pull out that list I made almost a year ago and re-read it ... and really try to come up with something else that I can add to it. It is a great reminder to me that there are many other things people like about me that have nothing to do with appearance.
Thanks for this - it certainly was a good reminder for me this morning. And sorry this is so long!
I agree with Sarah (which feels weird to type.) I have a complete double standard where the expectations for myself are much, much higher. And as I've learned that about myself, I've begun to look at women differently. It's hard because I know that the external isn't even that important. I know that the most beautiful people are those who may be plainer on the outside but who have a genuine love for other people, or a great sense of humor, or who are too busy for their looks because they run amazing charities or businesses. I've really worked at taking that "eternal" perspective vs the now. I know that whatever appearance I have right now will fade someday; I want to be a beautiful older woman because of the laugh lines on my face, my smile, my kind eyes, and the way that I make other people feel about themselves. Not because of my body.
Physically speaking, though, as I've become healthy weight-wise, I've had a transformation in what I consider ideal--now I consider athletic bodies (not super muscular--just toned) to be beautiful instead of super thin bodies. I really wonder if being drawn to the idea that thin=beauty was some sort of starvation-mediated "fixation" that was cured by gaining weight.
I'm also trying to be realistic in my knowledge that bodies are ALWAYS changing; that the body I see now could look different in a year even if I changed nothing about my eating or exercise habits. Weight redistribution and shape change are a part of being a woman and an adult.
I've always thought that I had a pretty face; boys have always liked me and reinforced that for me. I once received the compliment that I had an "empirically attractive face." That was enough for me to never question my face again. But I've never been able to get over the body hatred, so whenever I start to hate on that too much, I just remind myself of everything I typed above, and turn my focus to clothes or doing something fun with my makeup!
Now that I've written a novel...
I'm so glad you wrote about this, Cammy. I think someone once made a comment asking if you thought emaciation=beauty, or something along the lines because of your blog title suggesting a current 'beauty' of the body. I remember hoping you would comment on that! Maybe the question is, do you think you look good right now? Or do you feel you would actually look better at a healthy weight, and is change itself really the issue?
I can relate with this, very very much. I would disagree with you that you're not pretty, but regardless of the truth, if you feel like you're not pretty, it's very easy to want to "compensate" for that. Wow, can I relate. It was helpful to know that I'm not the only who has felt this way.
This was huge for me in my ED. I absolutely believed that my only chance to be pretty, even a little, was to be thin. And this was reinforced, at least in the beginning, as people would compliment my weight loss or ask how I stayed thin. I don't think it's shallow at all. I think every girl wants to be able to feel pretty, but as you pointed out there are so many other things that go into that equation and I think that personality is one of the biggest.
Unfortunately I don't have any gems of wisdom to add, but I did want to tell you that I was looking through your facebook pics last night, and thought you were ironic you post this now, just as I was was thinking last night, "Wow, C's so beautiful. I hope she knows that."
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