I really, really need to do well on this trip. I don't talk about many details of my work, but I think that it's sufficient to say that this basically represents what I have been dreaming of ever since I was a little girl. Going to these kinds of places, learning about this kind of thing, being that person out there having adventures, it's all I've ever wanted. I've worked on similar projects before, but always as an assistant, this is the first time it is 100% "my" project. And I am thrilled beyond words.
And I have to keep the ED out of my f*ing way while I do it. This is where I am able to see the line between "should" and "need." It's not that I just know I should do this for myself, it's that I know that I need to, for the sake of my research, my co-workers, and myself. Of course it's not that that line doesn't always exist, one always "needs" to take good care of themself, but with the ED it's easy to see that as an optional "should" and just file recovery away on the To-Do list to tackle sometime in the indefinite future.
I need to do well physically, because it's going to be very physically demanding. Hard work in hard environment. I need to do well mentally, because I love this stuff and I want to enjoy it, be able to focus on what I'm doing, and have fun with the people I'm working with.
I am a little stressed about food already, because the site will have a cook making food for everyone, no options or chances to choose meals. Plus the offerings are pretty much rice at every meal, including breakfast. I loves me some carbs, don't get me wrong (I need this shirt), but rice and pasta are things I have a hard time with if I'm not the one to prepare it. I get worried about what they "snuck" in there. Also, I have a hard time because it's not served in discrete units. You can't say I ate a rice, or two rices, like you can with pieces of bread, tortillas, etc, it's just "how big of a blob did I just have, where do I stop? Difficult when my hunger/satiety signals are still out of whack, and also a major challenge to my tendency to measure things meticulously. I know you can eyeball portions, and I'm good at that, but it still, lack of absolute precision makes me anxious. So, big opportunity to challenge those aspects of the ED, or at least that's how I'm trying to look at it. I'm taking a generous stash of granola bars, protein bars, oatmeal, etc etc to have as alternatives, although I am limited due to weight constraints for my luggage, with all the equipment I'm also taking down.
The whole thing reminds reminds me of part of the song "Sympathy" by the Goo-Goo Dolls (video here, specific lines bolded below), which has always been one of my favorites from my recovery soundtrack. (Someone remind me, when I'm back, to post an updated version of that playlist, I have close to 40 songs now). I have a lot of regrets from events that I have missed out on, trips I haven't taken, experiences I turned down, people I kept myself distanced from, all for the sake of this disorder. And I cannot let life slip past me anymore, I've worked too hard to get this far--academically and professionally--to then just let the disorder ride my back the whole time and ruin everything.
So, big deep breath.
"Sympathy"
Stranger than your sympathy
This is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out
I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
All I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees
Oh yeah everything's all wrong yeah
Everything's all wrong yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?
Stranger than your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt
It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true
Oh yeah it's easy to forget yeah
You choke on the regrets yeah
Who the hell did I think I was
Stranger than your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong
And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel
Before the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were all the empty things disguised as me
4 comments:
Oooh hunni, I'll be praying. I also get that pre-travel anxiety... basically as soon as I"m out the door, i'm FINE, but the night before, I'm usually in tears and FREAKING OUT about it... like you, i've learnt to ride it out.
As for food... sure I could go on and on about the challenges you can make in facing the ed and stuff...but ultimately, I just want to say, if you can survive the tour and stay HEALTHY and ENJOY your research, the trip is successful hun. Because well, the ed is probably gonna play up and be downright annoying and want to ruin things... in a sense, you can let it ruin them by freaking out about freaking out... or just like you're doing with riding out pre trip anxieties, do the same with the ed until you get back. Try to eat as much as you can and stay as healthy as you can... if you think, "I don't think I've eaten enough" eat a bit more because you'll use up the energy in stress and exhaustion anyway... but don't let it ruin everything by being consuming (if you can). THere will be other trips to work on other stuff with ed you know??
HOpe this makes sense, but know I'll be thinking of you lots and lots and sending up prayers. Look forward to hearing how you go when you get home!
*hugs*
Love Telly xo
So sorry about the anxiety. Just think it will soon be over and you will have done it. You can do it. I know your worrying about the food but I loved the shirt! I orded the one about junk food and am going to wear it to group. Kind of cruel but then so am I.
You are going to do so great! Hear from you when you get back.
I'll be thinking of you! I think it's great that you are so passionate about what you're doing, enough to WANT to push your ED out of the freaking way! You seem aware of what the food challenges will be. I've kind of accepted for myself that I'll have food challenges and being prepared for them is just about the best I can do. Things probably won't go "perfectly," but I think you can take care of your body and really make the most of the trip. As for things like blobs of rice, I do that thing of asking what I'd serve someone else and then I eat that amount (or aim for that). It will be out of your comfort zone, but I think you'll be totally fine. Have fun!
Wow, Cammy! Congratulations on earning this opportunity! I have no idea what you're about to go do...( fly to some jungle and climb trees and test for the level of some chemical in the leafs?) and I am so curious!!! but I respect your keeping the specifics of your identity secret. I am SO EXCITED for you and really proud of you for getting this opportunity and getting to this point!
CAmmy, I have good feelings for you. You are really motivated, you know it will be hard. But I REALLY BELIEVE you will be able to get through this with health and energy.
I know it's nearly impossible, but try not to think in terms of calories and think in tersm of "does this meal look like a normal size?" I'm just like you in that I used to measure everything, count everything, etc. So I totally get the hardship with rice without measuring cups, etc. But I believe that you will be able to handle your anxiety and keep your eye on the prize (enjoying this opportunity).
Also, if you struggle at one meal, or one day, or a couple of days, it does not mean you're a failure and doomed to struggle the rest of the week. You can just pick right back up and do the next best thing.
Thinking of you!
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