So despite all the turmoil and backsliding with regards to food and working out, I realized this morning that at least one behavior has improved: weighing. I’ve never been one to obsessively weigh multiple times a day, but that ritual morning check-in with the scale and recording of weight in my little notebook was always of umpteenth importance to me for years. (Interestingly, I went through a period where I was very sick but never weighed myself, there have been various stages). Obviously I could not weigh myself every day when I was out in the jungle, though, and it seems to have broken that mental loop and just really don't care enough on most mornings to do the scale thing. Giving it less weight, and I won't lie, the pun is intended.
Now that I’m co-habitating with family again, I can’t keep my scale in the bathroom because it would be awkward/upsetting for various family members, I think, and despite my history I really do try to minimize stress on my family. My room has no hard surfaces on which to put a scale, so I can’t use it in there. I’m usually up before everyone else in the morning, so it’s easy to just carry it into the bathroom, but I really do seem to have just broken the habit. I’ve been back for 2 weeks now and have weighed myself 4-5 times, way less than the minimum 14 times I would have previously. And all but one of those times I forgot to write it down in The Notebook.
So there you go, something to break the streak of doom and gloom posts.
Leaving this afternoon to spend a few days with Match and try to get this damn thing worked out.
No matter what happens with M, I won’t see him again for over a month (he lives 10 -12 hours away), and I think right now is a good time for me to have a break from being physically with someone, because although in some ways it has definitely helped me to validate my healthier body over the past year, right now I think it’s probably just an added stressor to my out of whackness.
I know this still smacks of Tomorrow Syndrome, but I SWEAR that after this trip I’m going to get back on the wagon with eating.
Ok need to bounce, will catch up with y'all this weekend my loves.
7 comments:
Yay-despite you aren't fully weaned from the scale, it sounds like you are making some good improvements! My parents don't allow scales in our house ever since my ED and I haven't used one in...almost a year perhaps? It's an 'out of sight out of mind,' type of thing for me- I won't lie if I'm at a friend's house and they have a scale in their bathroom I definitely do get curious.
As for the M thing, best of luck :)
It's awesome that you're making improvements on the scale. My therapist keeps trying to get me to give her my scale...I keep refusing. I've gone from weighing myself 10+ times a day to about twice. I know it's hard. I think it's amazing that you've only weight yourself 4 or 5 times in 2 week. That's amazing and I know it was hard!
Keep going strong!
-Lisa
hey, progress is definitely progress. proud of you for noticing even the smaller things, because those add up to the big things that really matter. keep truckin' along, C.
xo
I'm glad you're giving yourself some credit and acknowledging what a bit deal it IS to not rely on the scale for validation of anything. Really, is there a good number? If it's down, the sick part of you is happy but your body isn't. If it's up, your body is happy but your mind is messed up. Best to trust how you feel, no?
With that said, I had no scale in my house EVER until about a month ago. I relied on the scale at the gym, and since I quit going there semi-cold turkey, I decided I needed one for a weekly "accountability" check. Just once a week at the same time in the same place...it's very freeing ;)
not weighing sounds glorious. i wish i could free myself. why is this so hard?
good luck with Match -- may you find clarity and peace in whatever directions you choose.
YAY!!! I'm so proud of you. Stay strong and away from it--breaking my obsession with the scale was one of the single most significant things I ever did for my recovery. Like another commenter here said, there never seems to be a "good" number that doesn't produce SOME sort of reaction, and you know that weighing yourself multiple times a day isn't really showing you anything true anyway! I'm so proud of you for this big step. Keep it up!!!!
It's strange how sometimes just getting out of the habit of doing something is enough to, for the most part, break the anxiety around said habit. I still weigh myself daily, but, that being said, it's less a part of my thoughts than when I had no scale. Now I weigh myself and may have forgotten the number minutes later, whereas before I was always scheming to find a scale, read my weight, figure out "the number". Good job on starting to break the habit!
-Em
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