So, the Match situation is hard to explain right now. I tried to break up with him and he's refusing to accept that, and somehow he always talks me down. He made the valid point that our last good-bye was way too rushed (it was, emergency in the airport and I literally had to sprintoff). So he's coming down next week and we're going to spend a few days together. I think he's seeing it as coming down to rescue the relationship and remind me of why we're good together, but in my mind it's kind of a last hurrah/wrap up/finalize this type situation. In a nutshell, I'm confused and don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Truthfully, he's my best friend right now, I think that's the main issue that's keeping me from doing what I know I need to. He knows me better than anyone. He's the only person I can talk to about my ED. He always knows what to say to make me smile, he is the most honest (in a tactful way) person I've ever met, his voice can calm me down like no other and mine seems to do the same for him, we have our inside jokes and text each other at the same moment randomly multiple times a day. Goddammit now I'm crying. Again. I bet this all sounds really selfish, too. It's not that I dislike him and want him out of my life, I just have this gut feeling that this is not It, as he claims, this little worm of dissatisfaction that has been building for quite a while. I wish I had a good reason, some excuse to be mad at him or dislike him, but I don't, he's actually a great boyfriend.
So, that's the update on that. Collecting myself, for the moment.
Food and exercise have deteriorated a bit since I've been back and I'm at the lowest weight I've been in over a year. I need to get a grip on this. I KNOW that. I can't get in this pattern, I'm too experienced and efficient at it to let myself. I have Tomorrow Syndrome right now, although Tomorrow is a stand in for various milestones in the future. I'll do better in the morning, I'll do better this weekend, I'll do better after the trip to see Match.
On another note, a while back (2 years almost, damn) I posted a Rihanna song that really hit home with me regarding ED stuff. Recently I've also been struck by her chorus in the single she has out right now, "Love the Way You Lie." (Video at bottom). Actually if you're not mega-turned off by Eminem, the whole song can be seen as a sort of metaphor for an ED, as it's about an abusive/entrapping relationship. But anyway, I think the chorus sums it up well:
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I REALLY don't want this quote to come off as anything pro, I'm afraid it seems like a quote that would show up on one of those sites, because that's NOT how I want to frame it. Just trying to share that sometimes things like this strike a chord and I think it captures the ambiguity of relapse, being simultaneously afraid and seduced, drawn to something that can only end up poorly, as if a moth knew it would burn but can't break the trance of the flame.
7 comments:
I know all about "Tomorrow Syndrome." It's a dangerous son of a bitch. I really love the new Eminem album, including that song.
I know you'll figure things out with Match. Don't be too hard on yourself if it's confusing for a while. This is kind of a normal thing. You'll work it out... There is no absolute "right" answer.
this is really similar to my experience with my ex. he IS my best friend and knows me best, but the chemistry is gone, and he can't be my boyfriend. it's really, really hard because i love him SO much and need him, but he wants something else and....it's SO hard.
re: food and exercise and rihanna and eminem. are you saying you feel like you're relapsing? i am awful at taking care of myself, so i'm the worst to make suggestions BUT i really believe we know best what's going and what's best. we may not choose to do what we know is best, but we know.
take really good care. it's a confusing time.
I'm sorry that you are stuggling with both the break up, and more importantly with the eating disorder. Are you sure that you aren't pushing Match away because you know he is support for the eating disorder, and the ED doesn't want support? Why do you think that he will find you more attractive at a lower weight?
That song spoke to me also when I heard it.
I'm suffering from "tomorrow syndrome" also right now. I hope that we can both get our heads back into recovery. Sending good thoughts your way. Take care:)
I agree with Kim--don't be hard on yourself if it's confusing right now. If he is patient enough to wait while you figure it out, then let him. I also wonder if your recovery lapse is making you more apathetic/anxious than usual. In the worst of my ED and even when I struggled with recovery I pushed D away because I didn't want to be loved. I wonder if you are (even subconsciously) dong this, yet at the same time it is important to listen to instinct. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to be ambiguous about relationships, even if they ARE the "right" relationship. I'm sorry it's so confusing! In the meantime, take care of yourself so you can think clearly!
Don't beat yourself up. We are all human and can't be perfect. Relationship issues are tricky in any situation...especially when freaking ED has snuck his way into it as well...
you will figure it out and things will get better. be careful.
I suffer from the tomorrow syndrome weekend bc my treatment program is during the week...sigh. so, know you're not alone. we can do this.
stay strong! <3
Hey Sweetie!
Do what's right for you! It seems that maybe it's your fear talking? Are you afraid that someone (Match) knows you SO well- and accepts you as you are, that it freaks you out. Maybe ED hates that and is making you want to run? ED makes you believe it's only you and ED. The second you have a chance at a happy life: self acceptance and a life without him (ED), this fear of losing ED wells up and ED fights that much harder to win you back.
On the other hand- you're still young and only you can truly know if it's time to end it. I was in a similar situation MANY times, and I have also looked back with regret many times. I knew that it was my fear- the "what if", fear of rejection/acceptance, of losing control- that truly led me to make the decisions I made, regardless of if the decisions were ultimately right for me, or not.
If ED feels threatened, and if something scares you and makes you have to face yourself- it can be good for you. If it's truly time to move on.... well, have a fun last hoorah!!!
I support you no matter what!
XOXO
Barbara
ps- after reading this, I also would like to add that maybe it's time to truly end it with ED!!! Sorry for the HORRIBLE sentence structure. 2 hours of sleep, and apparently I've regressed to grade 4!
If he's an educated man, how could he possibly find an emaciated body more attractive than a slim healthy one??
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