First of all: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to all of my lovely wonderful readers! You are all amazing and I hope that you all do something to pamper yourselves today, if you're single or coupled or whatever in-between you might happen to be.
I also got the Big Three words, one of which starts with an "L". Yes, that phrase, which I am too repressed to actually type. First time he's said it since we've been dating.
Should have been incredibly sweet. It WAS incredibly sweet. But my brain totally refuses to let me accept that.
He must just have thought he was obligated because of the holiday. He must have assumed I was expecting it since we've been dating for over 5 months now, and didn't want to disappoint me. He must have felt like he was doing his duty as a boyfriend. Right?
One of the things all of the therapists I've ever seen have told me, over and over, is that I disconnect myself from emotions, as a self-protective mechanism. Maybe they were right. I should be elated, but hearing the Big Three actually just makes me question things more than if he hadn't said them. Mind games totally taint even the best events. But if he was going to toss it out gratuitously, he wouldn't have waited almost 6 months, right? But again, maybe he felt like he'd avoided it long enough and needed to do it to make me happy for V's day. Chore, right? Could I sound ANY more angsty and middle-schoolish if I tried? :s
Dear Brain: why won't you ever let me have any fun?
12 comments:
Those are 3 hard words with so much meaning behind them. I'm thinking it was not out of obligation but the way he really feels ab out you.
Like you, I protect my emotions, so I'd be flustered too. How do you feel about him? Is this too short a period to be saying those 3 words, or do you wonder how you may in fact be loveable to someone else? Think about it.
I hear ya, sister, but, from the way you write about him, my vote is that he's for serious. <3
I remember the first time Jim said "I love you" - I was over the moon for the first hour or so, and then I started to worry and doubt. I talked to my mom, who almost knocked me upside the head. To paraphrase: "Lisa, don't be a dumbass. The boy said he loves you. He means it."
Yeppp you're talking to the queen of analysis.
Maybe he meant it...in fact he probably did mean it, that's why he said it :)
Personally, I think people throw around that phrase entirely too much without realizing the power it can wield. I'm the same way with emotion--in that I'm icy--but when I say something, I mean it.
With you, I wonder if it's a matter of accepting those feelings from him--the "am I worthy?" thing--or if it's making you feel obligated to reciprocate, possibly questioning your own reasons for saying it back.
What I'm rambling about is, if you feel the same way and want things to move forward, freaking enjoy this next step and realize you ARE lovable and he loves you for YOU. Just like food, rest, happiness, etc. you don't have to do anything to earn it--you deserve it!
Haha, I love Lisa's comment.
The "l" word can be a little hard to deal with. The first time D told me that he loved me, I got mad because I thought he said it too early. I think EVERYONE has their own understanding about love. For D, it just meant that I made him happy and that he wanted to keep dating me. For me, "I love you" was something I wanted to save for someone I knew I would marry. My best friend and her now-husband have been saying "I love you" since 10th grade when they started dating, and my brother "loves" his girlfriend two weeks after starting to date. It means something different to everyone, and I think it's okay to ask about what it meant to him if it's bugging you and maybe talk about what it means to you, if you have different definitions, etc. I think it's really important to be on the same page in a relationship, even if you have to have awkward conversations sometimes to get there.
I also agree with Amy though :) It sounds like he knows how he feels, and meant what he said. I wish your brain could let you believe that you are lovable because I don't even know you and I love you, as do so many of your blog readers.
At the risk of sounding immensely stupid and insensitive I just have to say this: I AM SO VERY HAPPY FOR YOU!!!
I know that your brain is busy analyzing what he said, and I know you aren't yet able to feel happy about it, but I am happy for you. From everything you've said Match sounds like a fantastic guy who recognizes the need to take things slow. He doesn't sound like someone who would bandy words about that could possibly hurt you. So confusion and stress aside, I am happy you have someone good in your life.
Just remember that it is OK to take the time to sort out how you feel. There should never be any pressure to say them back, and you should be allowed all the time you need to process them.
Those words are loaded. I remember when Larry and I were dating and he said, "There is a phrase I want to tell you, but I'm afraid because I've been burned before. So, you probably know what it is, and you should know that I feel that way, but I'm afraid to say it." Ha. Then, a couple weeks later, he said it before we were falling asleep ;) I think fear is a natural part of the process, for anyone. We all want to protect ourselves. Once you sit with it for a little while, I think you'll get more and more comfortable with the closeness to him. I think it's exciting :) Happy Valentine's Day :)
I'm with the peanut gallery in that I don't think he threw it out there gratuitously or out of Valentines obligations. I also identify with a sense of discomfort with that kind of intimacy.
I freaked out when my now-husband of 20 years said it, and I broke up with him ... and almost "hid" from him/avoided him ... out of this crawling sense of nakedness/vulnerability and panic. I recognized I was screwing up a good thing and that my reaction was coming from childhood history and relationships ... and that he wasn't them, nor was it childhood anymore. I told myself to just sit with it: "Do the oppposite," i.e., when I feel like running, stay; when I feel like withdrawing, go ahead and stay connected; when I feel panicked, tell myself it's my panic and there's nothing inherently threatening about this sweet, authentic, good guy. I could observe how different things were in his family of origin, and I could see where his more open inclinations came from ... and I could see how nice that dynamic worked for them.
I told myself I could learn to be more comfortable, less analytical, more trusting, etc. And I have. I am still reserved with physical and emotional affection, but I am more comfortable ... and it has obviously worked out, since we have been married all these years.
It's nice when relationships give us opportunities to grow ... it flushes out lots of different areas in a person's life.
It IS hard to hear those words, especially when you're not 100% sure how you feel about yourself; but if he was just going to throw it out there randomly, my guess is he would have done it sooner. From the way you write about him, it sounds like he meant it. Honestly, if it hadn't been on Valentine's Day, wouldn't your brain have come up with some other reason why it couldn't be "for real"?
I know it's difficult to accept it, but you deserve to accept it.
<3 <3
aaaw. I like him more and more.
(Five months is a good amount of time btw. my husband dropped the L bomb at about three, and I was a bit like...already? But then I realised I loved him too.) xoxo
You need to define what it means to you. Spell it out and then show him and ask if that's what he means. I think most of us define love very differently but when we hear what someone else thinks of it it's like Oh yeah I mean that too.
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